To men who have been cheated on.

[Hurtbylove]

Okay I really need advice and help understanding and coping with some things.

Long story short I made a horrible mistake and cheating on my boyfriend. It was merely texting and emotional affair for just under a month. I was naive and met up with this guy one time and it makes me sick to my stomach to say I had too much to drink and had sex with him. I never wanted or intended for it to go that far at all. I regret it so much. Anyway we love each other so much that he decided to trust and believe me and work it out. We've been working on things for a year and Half now. It happened two Octobers ago.

Well I thought we were going great. He hardly shows any signs of sadness anymore. He doesn't act out anymore or talk about it at all. He seems the type to keep it inside anyway. He has never lied to me and is the most honest down to earth guy I know and tells me everyday how much he loves me and talks about when we're getting married and what not. He talks about future plans all the time. So this is a serious relationship were both in our late twenties. I have made sure I show him everyday how much he means to me and that I messed up. He even says he knows and can tell I am genuine about this. Anyway last week he said he had a horrible dream of me cheating and woke up so angry and hurt that he wanted to retaliate. He ended up texting a girl we both know. The text wasnt cheating to me. He only flirted once said a couple things then ended the convo apologizing and that it wasn't cool what he was doing and never said another word to her. He tells me he text her in spite and it meant nothing. Once he smoked and calmed down he instantly regretted it and felt horrible. I can see in his eyes he feels terrible. A couple things he said is he's glad it happened the way it did. He realized it didn't make him feel better and that he would never do that again and of course he stopped himself and it would have never gone any further than that.

So my main concern i and questions are...

Is this typical behavior from someone who's been cheated on? Wanting to retaliate even if your in love with the person. Is it strange that's he's just now retaliating a year and half later or is that okay cause he could still be battling things? Should i trust him when he tells me he never wants to lose me and wants to move foward through all this? Does the pain go away? Will it et easier on him so we can make it through this? He says it's gotten easier and less frequent. But I'm terrified he won't be able to move forward. All I want is him for the rest of my life:(

[Reddice]

By cheating on him, you seriously damaged his trust in you and your relationship. You hurt him in the worst possible way and you would be surprised what this can do to someone. The trust can be reestablished though, but it might take years for him to get at the stage you were before the cheating took place. That is, if he ever gets over it at all. You really have to earn his trust again. He does seem to love you a lot and willing to fight for you and your relationship, so that's a good sign. Only thing you can do is try to keep him happy as much as possible and keep working on the relationship.

[USCGAviator]

In my own experience I was cheated on in the first year of our marriage. We recovered and stayed married another 10 before it happened again

 

I didn't realize until after I was divorced that I never fully connected with my wife after the first incident. I carried just enough resentment to not really think about it, but to never truly be in love with her.

 

No matter how good things seem on the surface, infidelity destroys the foundation of your relationship. Build on top of it all you can (put a garden up there too) but the damage has been done.

[YellowShark]

Because you were a slut, (and sorry if that stings, but you were,) you have forever changed your relationship. It will never be the same. Never ever. Hope the dude you cheated with was worth it.

 

By cheating on your boyfriend who was devoted to you it has forever altered his thoughts and trust in you. And please don't blame the alcohol, the alcohol didn't make you drink it and it didn't make you forget you were in a relationship. Additionally you were texting and flirting with the other dude while you were perfectly sober.

 

I know I may sound harsh but you made this mess and really hurt a guy who loved you. So sympathy and understanding will be reserved for him only. You get the horns of the bull for your actions.

[ascendotum]

I didn't realize until after I was divorced that I never fully connected with my wife after the first incident. I carried just enough resentment to not really think about it, but to never truly be in love with her.

No matter how good things seem on the surface, infidelity destroys the foundation of your relationship. Build on top of it all you can (put a garden up there too) but the damage has been done.

 

OP, the bolded parts from aviator's post can sum up my experience. She didn't seem to get it and I admit it was not consciously acting different but I did not see her as so special anymore and she picked up on my change in enthusiasm and the relationship slowly disintergrated.

[Hurtbylove]

Fair enough. I was a slut. I was also immature and it was only my second relationship. Isn't it possible that you don't know all the circumstances of the relationship or things that may have been going on at the time. I mean it sounds like all of you have been hurt really bad but does that mean there's no hope for recovery? I show him everyday and in every way possible how much he means to me. I grew up in my mistake and realized how naive and immature I was and he sees that. If things were that horrible for him why would he continuously talk of marrying me and building a future with me? Thank you guys for your responses. It's appreciated.

[nofool4u]

So my main concern i and questions are...

Is this typical behavior from someone who's been cheated on?

 

Not sure. I've heard the stories, but it certainly wouldn't be typical from most of the guys I know.

 

Do know this, being cheated on puts people, in most cases, in desperation mode. They are hurt, confused and will say and do things that aren't normally part of their behavior. To me, cheating is tantamount to emotional cruelty. So nothing can be considered typical or not.

 

 

Wanting to retaliate even if your in love with the person.

 

To me I'd only retaliate if my significant other now disgusts me. But then again, I won't be with someone like that. I'd break up if I ever thought the need to retaliate. It just isn't worth it.

 

 

Is it strange that's he's just now retaliating a year and half later or is that okay cause he could still be battling things?

 

Its not ok, but make no mistake. Just because he seemed to be in a better mood for a while and doesn't talk about it, I assure you, he has been battling it and bottling things up this whole time. Because you will never forget being cheated on.

 

 

Should i trust him when he tells me he never wants to lose me and wants to move foward through all this?

 

Why not? You expect him to trust you after what you did, right? Point is, you need to decide that and make a move whether to stay with him or not.

Because afterall, he stayed with you after what you did. It would be highly lousy not to give him the same courtesy.

 

 

Does the pain go away?

 

Depends on the person. To me, IMO, the only way to truly get rid of the pain is to get rid of the source of the pain, the person that caused it. But thats just me.

 

 

Will it et easier on him so we can make it through this? He says it's gotten easier and less frequent.

 

I believe it can get easier, and I believe he can get to a point where it doesn't eat away at him on a daily basis. But make no mistake, he will NEVER forget.

 

 

But I'm terrified he won't be able to move forward. All I want is him for the rest of my life:(

 

I know you have probably heard this, but I'm going to say it anyway. You should have thought about that before betraying him.

[nofool4u]

Okay I really need advice and help understanding and coping with some things.

Long story short I made a horrible mistake and cheating on my boyfriend. It was merely texting and emotional affair for just under a month. I was naive and met up with this guy one time and it makes me sick to my stomach to say I had too much to drink and had sex with him. I never wanted or intended for it to go that far at all.

 

Yes you did. Call it what it is, but you knew what you were doing when you met up with him.

Edited May 30, 2012 by nofool4u
responded to wrong person

[Reddice]

Fair enough. I was a slut. I was also immature and it was only my second relationship. Isn't it possible that you don't know all the circumstances of the relationship or things that may have been going on at the time. I mean it sounds like all of you have been hurt really bad but does that mean there's no hope for recovery? I show him everyday and in every way possible how much he means to me. I grew up in my mistake and realized how naive and immature I was and he sees that. If things were that horrible for him why would he continuously talk of marrying me and building a future with me? Thank you guys for your responses. It's appreciated.

 

If I read between the lines I can see that the real question you're trying to pose is: Why can't he just get over it already?!?!?!

 

You're being very selfish if this is the case. You asked about our opinions and our experiences, we gave it to you, and still you believe that it shouldn't be that hard for him because it's in the past. Well, let me tell you something: You destroyed the foundation of your relationship. The trust is gone! He has to doubt your every move, your every word, your every gesture. Every time he calls you and you don't pick up, the cheating will cross his mind. Every time he sends you a text message and you don't reply swiftly, the cheating will cross his mind. Every time you want to just go out with (female)friends, your cheating will cross his mind. Every time you go to school, work or any other social event, the cheating will cross his mind. You messed up big time and have the nerve to wonder when it will get better. Well, newsflash! It might never get better! but the thing is... It's up to you to work on it. It's up to you to rebuild the foundation of your relationship. It's up to you to make sure he starts trusing again. You might succeed in 1 or 2 years or you might never succeed at all, but that's the risk you took when you decided to cheat on him. You put this guy through hell, now it's up to you drag him out of it. That is... if you really love him. Though I have the impression you'd rather give up, seeing as that will be the easiest way out.

[Hurtbylove]

Noooo you must have misinterpreted my message. I am not rushing him or putting a time frame on him. and sure as hell not going to give up! I was replying to some of the rude messages. I know what I did. I live with it everyday. It literally kills me to see and know the pain I've caused someone I love so much. I'm not here to make excuses or give all the details of what was going on. We hadnt been together long when this happened and we werent too close. Since all of this our relationship is night and day. We've never been closer. We know each other inside and out. Whereas before we didn't really know each other. I don't really think its nice to continuously call me a slut too. People make mistakes, but if that's what make you feel better. So be it. I'm here to get feedback on how and if some of you have been able to move forward In the relationship. And if it can be repaired. I want to know some things I can do or say to help build the relationship back. He already has stuck it out for a year and half now with me. He tells me he never wants to lose me and we will get through this. Because he can tell I'm genuine and would love nothing more in the world than to get our relationship bAck on track. I would just appreciate some advice and experiences from people who have worked it out.

[nofool4u]

People make mistakes

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. Its a choice based on your desire. Please do not try to downplay your actions as a mistake.

 

Call it a poor choice based on your character, or that you f**** up big time.

 

But it is no mistake. Cheating happens because the people involved WANTED it to happen.

[Imported]

So you're in love with one guy, but you take up texting for a month with another guy. Meet up with that guy and ****. You got drunk and didn't mean to? Were you drinking alcohol for the entire month you were texting him? Were you already drunk before you went out and met him in person? Is ****ing some dude what happens when you get drunk? If you didn't mean to, than it wouldn't have happened. There was a whole lot that went on before you went out and ****ed him.

 

Your boyfriend should have ended things upon finding out. He trusted you before, look what happened then. You didn't mean for it to happen or for things to go that far. Yet it did. I am sure you don't mean for it to happen again or for things to go that far again. Personally, I wouldn't trust you on that and would have cut ties and moved on.

[drifter777]

The rage your boyfriend felt because of his dream is something that is going to happen more often now that the damn is beginning to burst. He has compartmentalized your cheating in his mind and is hoping that it will just go away. Since you don't have kids, why are you even trying to fix this relationship? Reconciliation from infidelity is one of the most difficult things a couple can do, and it fails as often as it succeeds. It can take years and it's hard, painful work.

 

You destroyed this relationship when you screwed the other guy. Learn from this and move on with your life. Your boyfriend is still reeling from what you did to him so it's hard for him to think clearly right now. If you really love him, do him a huge favor and break up with him so he can start to heal.

[Woggle]

Once you betray a man's trust you don't get it back. He might take you back and act nice but the trust is dead.

[ascendotum]

The fact that your bf, had that dream shows its on his mind at a subconcious level. The fact that he instantly had a retaliatory reaction, I feel is telling. He contacted another girl, but then checked himself and did not proceed to do anything that he was going to regret. I feel he has not dealt with it as much he would like for you to perceive or even to his own acknowledgment. If you to were to get married, and there was a rocky patch, it would not shock me if he was to 'square the ledger' so to speak, with an affair.

 

I would suspect the vast majority of people are left with a permanent emotional stain after being cheated on, some are able to push it to the back of their mind and figure despite the infeidelity their partner is the best they could hope to find, and others not. You know your bf better than any of us, but he might be the type not to be an open book when it comes to his true emotional feelings. If he was to have a revenge affair down the line, would you be as forgiving as he is?

[MelodyRye]

Once you betray a man's trust you don't get it back. He might take you back and act nice but the trust is dead.

I have to say this is true. Though it wasn't cheating in my previous situation and he wasn't my bf, what I did last year (was in 12th grade then) was still bad enough to make him cry.

Present-time: yes I was forgiven (not in that moment, it took many months later after the graduation and trying to make it up to him) and we're friends again but not too close as before. It wasn't been the same since and I still regret it till this day.

 

If I had to travel back in time, I would have been a better person during my high school years, esp. to him.

[Hurtbylove]

@drifter We're staying together because we love each other more than anything. I f*cked up. People make mistakes. It was early on in our relationship and we both had a lot going on. We've grown from this and I feel it almost made us stronger we know each other on a much deeper level than we ever have. I did try to end the relationship. I told him I hate to see him upset from the pain I've caused and I would rather see him move on and happy with someone else. Trust me. I've said all this. He doesn't want any part of it. He insists he never wants to lose me and we will get through this. So if this was such a deal breaker to him and ive lost all hope and trust..why would he insist these things and why would he constantly talk about future plans with me and talk with my father about wedding arrangements? I mean, really. What I did was horrible and there are no exuses for it. But if he didn't want to make it work he has had several opportunities to move on. Especially since he just retaliated for the first time. And he tells me he's been angry before enough to retaliate but never did until now and it was only because he had a bad dream and was p*ssed. So why can't I just take it for what he tells me? He is a straight foward guy and would leave if he wanted to. So why do you guys make it seem like we will never recover.

And to the other response. If we were to get married it would only be until I knew he was absolutely sure he was over the cheating. We've already spoke on this. And i know he would never be able to cheat. But if for some reason he did.. I hate to say it but It would be my fault and I would have no choice but to be as forgiving as he has been to me. Because I love him that much.

[WonderKid]

Its not cheating people! LoL

Its disrespect! You 'cheat' in a card game.

 

But yes, don't get married. It's not impossible but you have slim chances at that working. He must be a nice guy. When nice guys get cheated on its like a voice in the back of their head telling them something. They'll think it's something wrong with them. I think you guys can recover I'm rooting for you. It's messed up that happened. But hold off on the marriage talk until all the conflicts are 100% resolved.