Have you broken up with someone despite loving them dearly?

[foolishlover]

Ive been broken up with my ex for a month. We were together for 2.5 years, with the last 10 months being on and off.

 

During the first year, he was everything I could want and more. But things then turned sour. We had our arguments, we had our disagreements like every other couple. But some things that he did I just could not accept.

 

There were a lot of lies. He would lie to me often and get angry if I caught him out. This included (in my opinion) emotional cheating. He exchanged numbers with around 6 people he met at a club (which he lied to me about his whereabouts so he could often go clubbing by himself) and was messaging them back and forth behind my back. I never knew what they messaged about cause he deleted them all he said. But after that, I have lost trust.

 

Anger, agitation and lack of respect. If we have an argument, even if he is blatantly in the wrong, it would always go back to being my fault. He would get so fired up that i rather hide anything that upsets me in fear of having an argument which I will never win.

 

Overall, there was one incident which was the straw that broke the camels back. I said this cant go on and there is no point. He didnt even want to fight for it and just sniggered and continued drinking his red wine. I then left and have been in NC for a month.

 

Point is, i had to leave the relationship because it was unhealthy. It was killing me inside and I was losing who I was, being so under his thumb. But i love him and i still do. I will never forget how great he was when we first met. He said I was the one that dumped him and it was all my doing. But i feel i had no other choice than to do so...

[d'Arthez]

Sounds like your ex is unhealthy himself, and he projects his issues on you. You must not forget that despite the relationship being unhealthy for you, it worked for him.

 

You did the right thing for yourself. Our first priority is looking after our own well-being.

[DuchessKaye]

To answer your question, YES, I did! I broke up with the man of my dreams only because I wanted some time to enhance myself, I loved him sooo much and still loving him until now but I really thought I had to leave the relationship so I can focus on my studies and some sort of changes in my lifestyle because I wanted to fit into his. I cultivated hobbies and I continued my travels to learn different cultures. And will soon go back to college to finish Masters. I just hope he can really wait until I pursued my all my goals. Well he said, he will... And I hope he really understood that I did that move not just for me, but for us...

[foolishlover]

Its so difficult cause I know I love him. I know it is for the best cause it is an unhealthy relationship. But this sadness brought about by the breakup makes me wonder if it really is worth the pain. Should I have just stuck it out in the relationship to avoid this hurt I am going through now?

 

By being the one who had to end the relationship, I feel like I made an active choice to bring about all this pain and to suffer from it.

[d'Arthez]

By being the one who had to end the relationship, I feel like I made an active choice to bring about all this pain and to suffer from it.

No. You did the right thing. As much as it hurts now, it would have hurt even more if you had stayed in longer. Tell yourself there would not have been a happy ending if you had tried to ride this out.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I could never break up with someone I love. Love is all there is. I very rarely fall in love (maybe once in my life if that). Having said that, if the man I love cheated or abused me I would dump him. But if he did that, I would stop loving him - so technically I wouldn't be in love with him then.

[favoritepills]

He's a liar, a cheat, and his anger issues were so bad that you were too scared to be honest about your feelings with him. You should NEVER have to feel scared of your lover - this guy is scum. I know this sounds cliche, but when you meet someone new who makes you feel safe, comfortable and loved, you'll be so glad you never gave this guy another chance to hurt you.

[FizzyGirl]

I could never break up with someone I love. Love is all there is. I very rarely fall in love (maybe once in my life if that).

 

Even if the person you love didn't love you? Even if you never got on, the relationship was bringing you down, and you were constantly being hurt, and all other avenues were exhausted, you wouldn't break up with them? Sometimes breaking up with someone is the only option you have left, even when you are in love.

 

Having said that, if the man I love cheated or abused me I would dump him. But if he did that, I would stop loving him - so technically I wouldn't be in love with him then.

 

And if the man you're madly in love with cheated on you, would you immediately stop loving him? Love doesn't just disappear into thin air. If you really, truly loved someone, you'd love them regardless. That doesn't mean you should stick around through abuse and affairs, but you don't just stop loving them. If it were that simple, then we'd find it easier to get over someone, the break up wouldn't be as difficult.

[foolishlover]

Even if the person you love didn't love you? Even if you never got on, the relationship was bringing you down, and you were constantly being hurt, and all other avenues were exhausted, you wouldn't break up with them? Sometimes breaking up with someone is the only option you have left, even when you are in love.

 

 

 

And if the man you're madly in love with cheated on you, would you immediately stop loving him? Love doesn't just disappear into thin air. If you really, truly loved someone, you'd love them regardless. That doesn't mean you should stick around through abuse and affairs, but you don't just stop loving them. If it were that simple, then we'd find it easier to get over someone, the break up wouldn't be as difficult.

 

I agree completely with you Fizzygirl. I feel that I shouldnt stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. I felt like I exhausted all avenues to make it work, even compromising who I was. But there comes a point when there really isnt anything more one can do.

 

Breaking up with him truly was the only option i had, despite being in love with him...to maintain my dignity...my self respect...

[Brit]

He, 'snickered,' at you. My love at that point would have vanished, no afterthought, history, and no lingering feelings of doubt, wishes, or needs. My question is how can you love someone dearly, after their actions were clearly done with zero compassion or care of your feelings.

[Brit]

In fact, since my sense of humor can run it's own course, I would of Fed 'exed,' him a box of Snickers and a bottle of NightTrain, with a simple note, of 'Enjoy:)'

[leoc1973]

Yes one time. She was a shopaholic. We both had great jobs and were losing everything because she couldn't stop shopping. I told people about it and they laughed almost as if I was joking but it was ruining both our lives and our credit. Whats the saying she had champagne taste on a beer budget?

 

Duchess what are you thinking? You are going to lose him for nothing!

[alexandria35]

foolishlover you did the right thing. It's common to believe that the pain of the breakup is worse than the pain within the relationship and in the beginning that's probably true. But ride it out and get through the raw pain and soon you will feel stronger and more sure of yourself. I too have left a man I was deeply in love with because he was so very unhealthy and damaging to me. I felt like I was being pulled into a dark dark hole with him and I could never have a rational discussion with him either because he would just rage and blame me for everything, including his own actions. Crazy. Stay the course and you will get through this.

 

Duchess I think you are brilliant. Far too many young women let their own aspirations and dreams fall by the wayside while they are chasing romantic love. Good for you for rising above that! If he moves on without you then there will be someone else even more special for you.

[foolishlover]

I felt the exact same way Alexandria. I felt I could have a rational discussion with him as it would always get so fired up and I end up just shutting down.

 

I remember so clearly one argument where i told him my friend just met someone. He said he cant believe it cause no one likes fat chicks. And i go, please dont say that about my friend. And it became an argument about me being touchy and defending a friend over him. He just would not stop insulting her and it got me so upset.

 

How are you now Alexandria? Did he ever regret it or come back to you for a second chance?

[69ways]

To answer your question, YES, I did! I broke up with the man of my dreams only because I wanted some time to enhance myself, I loved him sooo much and still loving him until now but I really thought I had to leave the relationship so I can focus on my studies and some sort of changes in my lifestyle because I wanted to fit into his. I cultivated hobbies and I continued my travels to learn different cultures. And will soon go back to college to finish Masters. I just hope he can really wait until I pursued my all my goals. Well he said, he will... And I hope he really understood that I did that move not just for me, but for us...

 

So to get this right.

 

You love him, he is the man of your life and you left him for your own issues, not because he did something wrong.

 

You want him and hope he will wait , will you most likely been or will have sex with other guys and he will have sex with other women and then get back together and hope you be happy?

[alexandria35]

He and I were on and off for 8 years with two stints of living together. When I met him I was 36 with a 21 yr old son who had left home and a 16 yr old son who still lived with me. I had recently ended an 8yr relationship with an alcoholic and I was no where near recovered from that. Along came this guy who I thought was my prince charming. It was like the universe knew exactly what the perfect guy for me would be and handed him to me. Our first 8 months together were surreal. I will never forget how wonderful I felt during those early months together. We did everything together, went everywhere together, talked, laughed, loved. He did a couple of odd things and said a couple of weird things early on but my head was too far into the clouds to pay much notice.

 

At the 8 month mark we moved in together. He almost immediately became unbearable to be around. I had already sort of started to censor the things I said because I noticed that if I had noticed that sometimes I would say something and his mood would change. He would get all quiet and kind of brood. Once I moved in with him he no longer brooded, instead he would out and out rage. Throw things, call me the most horrendous filthy names which I had never been called in my life and he could go on for a couple of days straight. The things he would freak over were so ridiculous and innocous that I felt like I had entered an insane asylum. I felt afraid to even move from one room to the next without his permission. After living together for 5 months I decided I had to go because I felt like he had drained away my whole life. I had no freedom and I couldn't even talk freely anymore. When I told him he really freaked and gave me only a few days to get out even though I had nowhere to go. I had to go stay with my mother.

 

I should have walked away and never looked back. But a strange thing had happened in that year. I didn't know it was happening but it was. You see he had tapped into something kind of sick in me that I didn't even know was there. I guess you could call it codepency. No big surprise really considering I had spend 8 yrs with an alcoholic. However with this new guy it was much more pronounced. I had seen his vulnerable loving side, he had opened up to me about his horrific childhood and I believed that deep down he loved me in spite of the terrible ways he treated me. I felt that if I loved him hard enough he would change. I was a silly silly woman to ever think that. Our relationship was always an emotional rollercoaster. It wasn't ever bad all of the time. Instead I was either on a total high with my love for him or in the depths of hell. During this time I became addicted to the drama. Again I didn't know this was happening and didn't recognize it for what it was. When I moved out I felt great for a few days and then I crashed. I felt like there was just a vast dark hole where my life used to be.I felt dead inside and all I could see ahead of me was a gray bleakness. I now realize that this is what withdrawl from unhealthy dysfunctional addictive relationship feels like. Instead of feeling relief and happiness at being out of the relationship, I just felt lost and alone. My world had an eerie silence that I didn't know how to cope with. It was because I had become accostomed to him always being with me, him always keeping me wound up tight, not knowing what the next moment would bring, I had become used to the intense emotions always being right there on the surface.

 

So I won't bore you with the all the details but suffice it to say we got back together and we broke up and we got back together and we broke up..over and over again. The second time I lived with him I lasted for almost 2 years. In that 2 years I began to really see our relationship for what it really was.. I began to see him for who he really was. No longer was I sucked into the poor tortured soul bs. I was sick of being blamed for everything, I was sick of walking on eggshells, I was sick of being called horrible names for no reason other than I got home 5 minutes late. I was sick of the constant negativity and the disrespect. The longer I lived with him the worse he got. There were no more highs, it was all misery. It still hurt to leave but I was a lot stronger by then. I knew the pain that was coming and I knew I just had to deal with it. Even after I moved out though we still had a hard time staying away from each other. It only really ended when he up and moved to another city.

 

He just recently visited me and we were very happy to see one another. I'm glad he lives far away because I still love him but I know he will never be good for me. While he was here he brought up something from our past and during the course of that conversation I realized that he still fully blames me for everything. I didn't bother arguing or defending myself because he was only visiting and I didn't want to get into it with him, but it was a nice reminder of what life with him was like. He said he always wanted to marry me but I refused to do anything to make that happen. Oh my God!! The reason we couldn't get married was because we didn't have any money to spare for it and the reason we didn't have any money is because he spent money all the time like a crazy person.

 

I simply couldn't make sense of what he did with the money. We both had good paying jobs and yet when I left we had resorted to borrowing money from people just to make it through the month. Something that sickened me because I don't borrow money. I handle my finances and budget and I never have a need to rely on anyone else financially. It made me sick because we made just as much money as anyone else we knew yet we were always broke and behind in our bills while everyone else was doing okay. HE BLAMED ME! He was the one spending while I was trying so hard to budget. If I brought up his spending he would immediately rage and accuse me of being the problem. Like once I asked him how in the world he managed to spend 700 dollars in one week. I had done all the shopping, put gas in our vehicles and bought smokes already so he shouldn't have had to spend anything. Well when I very carefully and gently brought it up he started to scream at me that I'm a selfish bitch and I'm so cruel I won't even let him buy himself lunch when he's at work. Huh? Lunch? Who spends $700 dollars on lunch in one week? He would call me names like bitch, whore, c*nt and then when my feelings got hurt he would tell me to grow up and stop being a baby. He would say terrible terrible things to me and then just expect me to get over it. But nobody was to ever say anything the least bit negative to him or he would start freaking out. Ahh..it was just crazy.

 

Foolish be glad that you are rid of this guy. It doesn't get better. It gets worse and you will lose yourself in his lies and delusions. Don't ever let anyone disrespect you or demean you. It only hurts you and enables a jerk.

[foolishlover]

Thank you for sharing that Alexandria.

 

I see so much of myself in what you just described. When it is good, it is really good and when it is bad, it is really bad. Sometimes I wonder if I got addicted to the highs and lows in the on and off relationship. A few times I would think that once we went on our little breaks, there would be that sweet golden time once we make up. Very unhealthy.

 

Similarly, when I was first with him, he would never express strong anger. He would let things slide (or at least i thought so). When the relationship went sour, the slightest thing could set him off and I would be given the silent treatment for days on end.

 

I love him and I still do! I dont know what he wants though. He tells me he loves me and I cant expect anything more...but his actions tell otherwise. How can you treat someone you love so poorly? So i have no choice but to walk away. One of the main reasons was that I caught him lying about another person. Emotional affair. I said if he ever lied to me again, i would walk. He lied again. I forgave him. Then I found out he lied again. I have no choice but to leave...as painful as it was.