My boyf keeps talking about his ex

[slm4355]

I'm not entirely sure if I'm writing this in the right spot, but here goes...

 

My boyfriend of 4 months constantly brings up his ex. Sometimes, he might just drop her name into the conversation, othe times, she will be the actual subject of conversation. She was his first serious sexual relationship & it lasted 2 years. It wasn't the most normal of relationships, however. For starters, she was twice his age. They started off as just Fk Buddies, but it progressed to something more serious a year later. He fell for her hard, until all of a sudden she broke up with him via text, with no explanation whatsoever. He told me about her on our very first date, but because I was already smitten (I'd known him for 4 months before we actually got together), it didn't deter me in any way. Little did I know just how much he would mention her every time we hung out. He does tend to tell me a lot about his past (his friends, his high school & college days, his nights as a DJ, etc), so I am just hoping that he is only talking about her because she was a HUGE part of his past. A few things that really bother me (apart from the obvious fact that he talks about her) is that he often tells me all the sordid stuff they did together (he has now begun to realise that maybe it's not the best thing to tell me, yet he still does...sometimes, at the most inappropriate moments). He also has informed me that he has kept a box filled with gifts that she gave him over the years they were together (mainly cards, jewellry, etc). Now he is bit of a hoarder, keeping ANYTHING & EVERYTHING from the past 29 years, so I'm hoping that this box is just due to the fact that he wants to keep something from that part of his life (regardless of it being good or bad). I'm a virgin, which I have already told him & he knows to take things slow with me...he doesn't want to rush into anything the way he did with her. He thinks the sex ruined their relationship. Our relationship is a whole lot normal to what theirs was...which he likes. He's introduced me to the most important people in his life (his family & friends). We enjoy going places (I've recently learnt NOT to go to places where he's already been with her), I've been invited to family get togethers & spend HOURS upon HOURS at his place on the weekends (we live 30 mins apart & still live with our parents). We go to parties. All these things he wasn't able to do with his ex girlfriend, because she wanted to keep their relationship a secret. He always knew that their relationship would never last...whereas he can actually see a future with us (we've even started a bucket list just for fun & already ticked a few things off!) He has told me that he wasn't really looking for a girlfriend when I came along. So it took us both by surprise when we got together. And he says that he is well & truly over her, but sometimes it does make me wonder if he really is. He is my first serious boyfriend & I am completely & utterly in love with him...the first time I've EVER felt this way about a guy. He treats me like an absolute princess...kisses, hugs, lots of hand holding in public (& most importantly, he tells me he loves me every day). I'm just not used to all this confusion & uncomfyness whenever he talks about his ex.

 

(Sorry about the long post!)

Edited May 27, 2012 by slm4355

[firemanq]

he is not over her, possibly because of the way she dumped him. He has never had closure.

 

I do not know how this will reflect on your relationship. Are you his first since he was dumped?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I would be extremely careful in this situation, emotionally and partially mentally he is still living in the past.

 

When someone is significantly and profoundly impacted by an experience, especially when it comes to love and relationships and they don't move on from it then a piece of them always lives in the past. The forefront of his mind are on her at all times romantically, he's just pushed it back as far as he could. That's why he speaks so much about her, because she's always on his mind. Emotionally he's secluded a little area and bombarded it off because that is where she resides internally for him.

 

When he says he wasn't looking for a relationship he meant that he wasn't over her and didn't think he'd met anyone else in this emotional state that he could devote any serious emotions to. You overlooked this red flag because you lack the experienced and/or insight, but this is actually a huge barrier within a man, one of the big ones because you can fill that area until he lets it go, that means your "love" will only extend so far...he reserves an area and judging from the sound of it, it's quite large..she'll be like a cancer to your relationship, and your presence doesn't assist in making this go away it only validates where his true deep emotions reside...for her.

 

You see everything you do together is filtered through a glass of his past emotions he had for someone else, you're not getting the whole man, you're getting a deluded, filtered down version, even though you may feel what he does with you is very real and exclusive...that's how it always feels, in fact the actions he commits emotionally can be more related to her than you, because his emotions built up within himself and you're like the venting piece, you're the blank canvas but not the paint.

 

I know that sounds horribly bad, but that's ultimately what I feel is the truth. This man displays still a deep infatuation with her as well as his past, he's looking backwards not forwards which means while he moves forward with you a part of him is being left behind..It's like an emotional zombie state where as instead of the brain is gone, the soul, the person...emotionally he is gone, the chance to establish new memories is overridden by the fact that looking back is where is fondly looks upon for his true happiness.

 

The reason he is not overeager with you is possibly because he realizes this emotional state...and engaging in a fast paced romance with you would only complicate and further pull him where he truly is. You see, he can still focus his thoughts and emotions in the past while not interluding a complex emotional conflict with you and her. He's outright lying to you that he is over her, his actions display that's exceedingly far from the truth.

 

Unfortunately what you see as positives in this relationship is actually false because you overlook where the root of this is all coming from, that the man you're with is still in love with someone else. Therefore you think you can love this man to get over this other woman or he's just merely reminiscing on the past for fun I suppose. I know that you won't really have an answer or explanation to that question that you can realistically believe.

 

I'm not saying that what he feels with you isn't to a degree real, I'm sure he sees you and feels with you, but honestly not to the degree that you feel. How you fell in love with this man was your own fault...your own perspective, your own fantasy and your misinterpretation of his actions being exclusive to you...It is all too common for men who are in love with another woman to display those affections with a stranger or a new girl just to satisfy his own will and desire to fulfill them. Therefore I don't believe he is being completely genuine with you, and although he displays long-term commitment through harmless gestures such as bucket lists, realize that those things have been done before and have not necessarily lead to long-term relationships/marriage, don't fool yourself by reading some signs and ignoring the others so that you can put this little picture of what you want.

 

You seem very young and naive when it comes to love and being a virgin I'm sure to at least a degree you have some greater expectations than just sharing love with someone....I'd hope. You also have no understanding or relation to what he has experienced with this other woman, so you severely underestimate It's impacts because you tell yourself one thing..that it was just a FWB, she was a lot older, so there was no future...

 

Well guess what...you're with a man who's in love with another woman still, that's where his heart is, so you just merely shared some degree of love together but not ready to progress further...just break up with him at this point and that's the end of the story? right?...this is what he would tell other women in the future, should they care? should he care? a lot more complex when you're involved and you can actually feel the emotions isn't it?...you don't acknowledge what he felt, you underestimate the words he is telling you, you're simplifying and ignoring the emotional impact this woman has had on him and the affections that he developed for her regardless of the title and he's writing all over the walls with it but you believe his words, hell, maybe even he believes them...however often people live in denial to a degree, and sometimes completely.

 

So to me your situation is fairly typical, to you it's all in depth, confusing and complex because all those details mean something to you, all of those emotions you feel are real and valid...how could this be? how could this not be real? I've never felt this way for someone before...so listen to the words he is saying to you, they are not empty, there are feelings and emotions in them and his past If you respect what you have together.

 

You need to have a SERIOUS conversation before this goes forward...honestly If he talks about her this much and displays this much affection for her still I'd be completely wary...I understand and know what he is going through all too well. This is a relationship you should get of though, he needs to do in the hard work of getting over the past, not for you but for himself and then he can develop a relationship with you and someone else, If you continue at this rate you're going to share this man with another woman...and I'm not sure that is what you want even though he sounds like a decent guy and to be treating you well...however I know as a man that's the easy part, that's the cheap part...the harder part is where his emotions are, that is NOT something you can help him with or glaze over with your love, it just doesn't work that way...peoples issues are to be corrected by themselves not others, you can't change someone...you CAN'T change the way someone feels...I want you to really think about that part.

 

You could print this out and let him read If you like...he may deny it, and he may tell you I'm full of **** and I'm just some guy online, but he'd know insides..It'd send a shockwave internally because I know where he is...it would hit him and you yourself know I speak a lot of truth in this. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm sure he didn't intend for this to happen...but If he really loves you and wants the best for you he should put himself in a place where he can really give you his all, and that needs to be done without you, because with you there, it's like a blockade, the gears just can't shift into the right places....plus, you love him. Ironically my advice is not to pull you apart, It's to bring you together (in the bigger picture)...and I don't want to see you really hurt If you give this guy your all, and him really disappointed that he was never in a place to really give you it all.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Joaquin]

The post above is very good.

 

I do wonder whether a talk with him will shed light on it though. My guess is that it will be more of the same from him and he will give you enough to keep you there.

 

If you chose to stay with him my suggestion would be to take a closer look at his contact with her. Maybe a month of snooping just to see what he is saying to her.

 

I know many would say this is a terrible thing to do, but I think you my find he is still involved with her emotionally and the only way to find out is to snoop.

 

It's a very tough situation but you need to protect yourself. Your intuition is screaming red flags already. Don't ignore them.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Joaquin

[slm4355]

He isnt in contact with her. They haven't texted one another since December last year.He has bumped into her just the once since we got together. She told him that she regretted breaking up with him & wished she could take back all the stuff she did to him. He just stood there, listening to her go on & on & then told her that he had a new girlfriend & how happy he was with me. Yeah, I know, that this is just what he told me, but I honestly believe him. I know I probably look at everything through rose colored glasses, but that's just the kind of person I am. He doesn't have leftover feelings for this woman...I can tell by the way he talks about her to me. It's kinda like I'm not just a girlfriend @ times, but also a shoulder to lean on, a friend that he can tell anything to. He already knows he talks too much about her. He explained to me once that by telling me about he, he was just being honest & wanted to let me know how she treated him. But going on about her on a weekend away, while we're cuddled up in bed together, is probably the wring thing to do!

[rubberduck]

I get what you're saying but I'm inclined to agree with the general opinion on this thread.. the fact that he talks about her so much is more than just 'letting you know what she was like'... it's proving how deeply she still is in his mind, and he can't let go of that. The fact that he'd bring her up while you're in bed together is further proof.

 

I really do think you need to have a proper chat with him about it, initiated by yourself in a calm rational manner.

[darkmoon]

not sure if this is the guy to lose your virginity to, not too good to be in bed with a guy who talks about other women/woman it is like that for most all women - hurtful not happy, me

 

a young girl can have her pick of men, why kiss a frog?

[Balzac]

T O X I C. This guy disrespects you on a daily basis. I cannot see any way this relationship can become normal. I hope you extract yourself and find an emotionally healthy man. He is toxic to your relationship.

[slm4355]

Wow...jee thanks. You've all made me feel so much better...uh...not!!!

[Reddice]

Wow...jee thanks. You've all made me feel so much better...uh...not!!!

 

I wonder why you came to these forums. Were you not looking for the objective opinion and advice from other people? Even though I didn't post any reply I find it very offensive that you do not appreciate all the input that some people have given you (especially Ninja). Do with the advice as you please, you are the only person who knows the full scope of the situation after all. But don't pretend like people are trying to hurt you on purpose. In fact, there's a 90% chance that the people here are correct with their observations.