uprooted Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I don't want a divorce, but my husband refuses to work on problems. He has a bad temper. We fight over stupid things - one time he told me to go buy him ice trays. I reluctantly left to go buy them, while as usual he sat on his ass at home. I brought them home; didn't fill them. Didn't think it was a huge deal. The next day he blew up at me. If I don't hear him say something or I don't understand, instead of talking about he he yells at me saying I don't listen, it's all MY fault, if I'd just act the way I'm supposed to it'd be OK. Sometimes he doesn't hear me, but that's OK I should just get over it. I swear I'm being literal. He yells and throws a huge fit if say I was in another room or the TV is loud and I don't hear him. He refuses to get counseling. I've been in denial for a long time that I'm happy in this marriage. But I'm scared to leave. It seems hard, all the legalities. I don't know if I can take my name off of anything - I probably can't - but I do NOT want to stay here, nor could I afford it. He wants to spend money and not work, he is in the military reserves but about to get kicked out due to his weight. He complains and whines about his weight - he hates it. He's very fat and unhealthy, but like today he sits on the couch for SIXTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT. Then I make a nice dinner - he eats it, but 3 hours later, he hits the McDonald's drive through. I think he is addicted to fast food. We don't hardly have sex anymore either. Yeah he might be depressed, but it doesn't matter. If I try to talk to him, he dismisses me, yells at me, tells me to shut up, etc. I might just get counseling myself to get my head on straight. I can't really leave now, I have no where to go (my family does not support me leaving him) and I don't have the money. I don't know if I'll have the guts to leave him later, but at least come March our lease is up on our house so that clears me of that. It just sucks cause I've wasted so much time on this. I don't even know where to go or what I want or who I am. The military has defined everything for so long. I just don't understand why I had to meet him and go thru all this just for it to end. And I'm so disappointed to admit that a good portion of our marriage has been a huge letdown for me, and that I'm worked hard to convince myself that we are happy. Unfortunately, I know there's a good chance I just won't leave, so it will continue. I know he won't want me to leave, but he won't admit it and he won't put in ANY work. His solution? For me to shut up, listen, and do "what I'm supposed to". If I'd just quit being stupid and bitchy, we'd be fine. Yeah that is the solution. He is 100% against counseling. It is killing me, all I ever wanted was a happy marriage and I wasted so much time being miserable. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. The stress is taking a toll physically. I have no one to turn too, so here I am.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Sounds like you feel stuck. Feeling better about yourself, changing yourself is the first step. You cannot change him.
Author uprooted Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Thanks. That is why I thought I'd get counseling for myself. I have to wait until we get insurance again, but if he doesn't straighten up then, we'll lose it due to his weight. I don't have a church (don't want religious counseling anyway) I have no clue if I can get it anywhere else. I'm just at a loss. It sucks that I have to do all this work, while he won't do anything. I don't feel like I can save this marriage alone. His solution is, I can shut up and do what he wants (even if I don't know, I should figure it out or get yelled at) OR I have to "settle" for being yelled at and unhappy.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Look around for a support group until you can begin formal counseling. You can get yourself back to a happy place. He'll have to make his own choices. You've suffered silently for what sounds like half your life.
skywriter Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Thanks. That is why I thought I'd get counseling for myself. I have to wait until we get insurance again, but if he doesn't straighten up then, we'll lose it due to his weight. I don't have a church (don't want religious counseling anyway) I have no clue if I can get it anywhere else. I'm just at a loss. It sucks that I have to do all this work, while he won't do anything. I don't feel like I can save this marriage alone. His solution is, I can shut up and do what he wants (even if I don't know, I should figure it out or get yelled at) OR I have to "settle" for being yelled at and unhappy. Uprooted, I'm sorry for what you are going through in your marriage. It doesn't sound like you have anyone to turn to. You can start helping yourself though. Even without going to counselling. Some ways are actually common sense that gets lost along the way for us. Like, not being idle and waiting for someone else to change. Being, independent, even if it's a part time job. Realising it's ok to make a mistake, Every success has trials and failures. Stepping out on the faith you have in yourself is empowering beyond description. Just once is enough to make you stronger than you were yesterday. Edited May 27, 2012 by skywriter
Author uprooted Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I wish I knew how to have that faith. I'm not sure what to do to change for myself. All I know is that I'm getting back into working after years of not (due to military life overseas) and that is taking a lot of time. I am hoping to have a good job, save money, get established then perhaps transfer to another branch in another city one day. Learn the divorce laws and figure out my best steps to take, what to do, get a couple things paid off so less to worry about with him. Make sure that by law I get custody of our pets (not sure what this entails but I take care of 95% of their needs). I would try to talk to him one more time if things keep going. I want to again, but everytime I do he just loses his temper and refuses. Perhaps I will try a different approach; I'm not sure when or how but even if we aren't fighting I can't stand his laziness anymore. He also wants to spend money like he's still making 4K a month. He's making 1300 per month now and that pays rent and maybe half the bills - if I try to talk to him about not having enough money for bills and our gas getting shut off, he just doesn't care, he says I should get the money from a relative. Yeah, money is an issue too. a big one. He likes to spend $130 a month on diet shakes (which are doing no good) I mean who does that when you go from making $3900 per month to $1300? But he doesn't see the issue! He thinks I'm overreacting, tells me to shut up, and will not speak about it. Or, he says he understands and then just goes the next week and does it again. I'm going to open my own secret savings account soon, I won't have much in it to start and through the summer, but hopefully by Christmas I have a couple thousand at least. I don't even know how much a divorce would cost.
YellowShark Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Here's what you need to do. One, accept you are unhappy. Two, accept he is emotionally abusive and hurting you. Three, accept he is going nowhere fast and refuses to do anything about it. So now you evolve without him. Go open a bank account, go find a job, and tell him flat out he has 6 months to change or you cannot remain in a unhealthy abusive marriage that makes you crazy. That's not what you signed up for. If he is unwilling to change, then YOU be the change you want to see in your life and leave him in the dust getting fatter and angrier on his precious couch.
Author uprooted Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 That is what I know I need to do, and I certainly will. He doesn't think I will ever leave him. That in a way is good - because I want to be the one to leave. I don't want him to leave first, taking certain things, and our pets. I do not want to be left with this house. I want to hopefully get my name off the lease, take the pets and a very few things, and just leave. I don't want him to have time to prepare and sneak out before me, you know? I don't want to sound mean but I take care of our pets, he does not, but I know he'll want them. But you are right, I will try to talk to him and tell him I'm not putting up with this anymore, and a change needs to be made. Then I'll quietly go about my business, and next year maybe when the lease is up that'll be easier, and one of our mutual debts is paid off, then I can leave. I just hope the job thing works out. I'm having a hard time getting work, and getting enough to pay for a divorce and a move. Paying for a move and a new place will be hard; I have no idea about a divorce.
skywriter Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Just take your time, find a confidante, that you can trust, if possible. Realise, that people want to help people, that are willing to help themselves. Do things in the proper order, job first, then atty.
KathyM Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I would suggest you go to counseling for your own benefit, even if he won't go. In counseling, you can explore your options and they will also teach you to be more assertive with your husband. His yelling and insults should not go unchecked. You need to more assertively stand up to him and tell him you don't want to hear that from him anymore. A lot of men are like little noisy dogs. As soon as you stand up to them, they back down when they realize you're not putting up with it. I would also recommend the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That gives you a lot of info on the dynamics of such relationships and how to reduce or put a stop to the verbal abuse and how to stand up for yourself.
tcarr13 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Hi, I was reading your post. "It is killing me, all I ever wanted was a happy marriage and I wasted so much time being miserable. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. The stress is taking a toll physically. I have no one to turn too, so here I am." I am very sorrowful that this had to happen to you. I just want you to know that there is help out there for you. How do I know this? I know this because I have been there I was one of those jerks that you speak of here. I understand exactly what you are going through. If you want to know more of how my life was destroyed by what I did and how I was able to resolve it you can just message me. After what happened in my life I have had the deepest desire to help those that have to suffer because of one person's foolish obsessions.
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 tcarr13, neither one of you can message the other, you don't have that facility and won't have for a while.
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