CopingGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Eternal Sunshine, I hated my ex for a very long time because he did a lot of hurtful things to me, including psychological abuse, cheating, and telling many, many lies. I was very, very, very angry for a long time. I posted a lot of things in the "Post this instead of contacting your ex" in the coping thread. I released anger a lot for a long, long time in that thread thru my posts. Some days ago, I released more anger, and for some reason, that one helped a lot and helped me to turn a corner. Maybe I've started to run out of anger. I'm still angry, I still have very bad feelings toward my ex, but not as much as I used to. I pity him more than I did before. I think also my birthday had something to do with it. My housemate treated me sooo well for my birthday that I feel lucky. I don't know if all that anger will come back. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I do know that in order for my anger to keep lessening, I have to stay away from him, not look at his facebook page, not contact him in anyway, and keep focusing on myself. Ever since that day, I've been feeling so much more calmer and happier. It took a very long time for me to get here. By April I was feeling so much better, but then I looked at his facebook and he confirmed he was not sorry for anything he did to me. My anger came back big time and I took huge steps backwards. But I've been staying away from his facebook page and now I feel so much better.
CopingGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Are you familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief?DenialAngerBargainingDepressionAcceptance I think that I am moving out of the anger stage and into the acceptance stage.
Star Gazer Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think when we feel about someone we were involved with, it has just as much to do with them being as it does about how we feel about ourselves for having allowed ourselves to be with them (again, ). A sort of, "How could I do that to myself?"
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think you are throwing a great deal too much energy at something that is supposed to be diminishing in importance in your life.
robaday Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Mine hates me, at least it seems that way. She broke it off. And since then has consistently veered between flirting, crying, and outright cricism of me. I finally just said leave me alone, its a whirl of confusion and her head seems to be all over the place.
CopingGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think you are throwing a great deal too much energy at something that is supposed to be diminishing in importance in your life. It's really hard not to when someone treats you so badly. And sometimes it's hard to detect you are being treated badly when someone lies to you constantly. I say, feel what you feel and let it out in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. Keep posting your anger. Keep on, Keep on. Eventually, your anger will lessen. But also, look at your behavior in the relationship, you always have to do that. Did you ignore any red flags.
Mack05 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) For me eternal sunshine is in her 30's and single. I think a huge reason for this is her inability to take accountability for herself and her actions. All this wasted energy and negative emotions on a guy she has no future with. I believe the problem is more you then him, I really do... Anyway just ignore me, stay angry and despise him and see further down the line if the right guy comes into your life... He won't! unless you make changes to yourself and your overall pysche. The right person doesn't magically appear like in the movies. He arrives after you fix what is wrong with you. The big problem here is you are too busy being angry at him, to fix yourself. Too busy being negative, instead of positive. Guys (at least the good one's) are not attracted to negative, bitter, emotionally immature women. Poor me, my ex is an ******* nothing works for me...You know what will happen, if you stay busy focusing on him and don't work on yourself... Nothing...It will be same ol same ol. Blaming everyone else but yourself...It's time to take a long look in the mirror cause right now things are not working for you and they will continue not to work, while your focus and negative emotions are on him and not having your focus and positive energy on you.. Edited May 28, 2012 by Mack05
Gulf-Delta Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I despise who my ex has become. I've always been a believer that a cheetah doesn't change his spots. My ex, when I met her was incredible, and just such a sweet person...that person is still in there. And that is the person I love. But eventually she got lost in a life that isn't her. She got caught up in partying and evidently seeing someone else more compatible with that lifestyle. This person disgusts me frankly, and I really want nothing to do with the person she is now. I just keep hoping that for her own sake, she realizes this is bad news, and starts focusing on her career and is single for a while. Obviously I love her, and want her happy. I love her enough to want her to find out what she what is really important in life, even if that involves not being with me.. But the lifestyle she's leading now is a...mask I guess you could say. She's never going to find happiness if she keeps acting this way.
threebyfate Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think that I am moving out of the anger stage and into the acceptance stage.Glad to hear this! One stage that isn't listed since it's not part of grief, is the indifference stage where they become irrelevant.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Mac05, by your logic my ex is in the same boat. He is over 30 and single. I was his first serious relationship. I was the first girl that he introduced to his parents. I was the first girl he lived with. His brother is 35 and NEVER had a relationship longer than 2 months. Their family is screwed up beyond beleif and controlling their lives. That's the huge part of the problem. I am first to blame myself, but in this instance; he is a really emotionally unhealthy individual. I am unhealthy too, in other ways. I actually don't even spend that much time thinking about him at all. Perhaps I gave the wrong impression by starting this thread due to one day of anger.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 TBF is correct, I tried to leave twice before and came back to him because I wasn't sure if my perception was correct. I needed to be proven beyond any doubt so that I would have no regrets.
Mack05 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) Mac05, by your logic my ex is in the same boat. He is over 30 and single. I was his first serious relationship. I was the first girl that he introduced to his parents. I was the first girl he lived with. His brother is 35 and NEVER had a relationship longer than 2 months. Their family is screwed up beyond beleif and controlling their lives. That's the huge part of the problem. I am first to blame myself, but in this instance; he is a really emotionally unhealthy individual. I am unhealthy too, in other ways. I actually don't even spend that much time thinking about him at all. Perhaps I gave the wrong impression by starting this thread due to one day of anger. Eternal I am in my 30's and single so people in glass houses and all that... My last ex is by a country mile, the most messed up person I was ever with in my life. When we broke up, I finally (after months) figured out exactly what was wrong with her. I did it too with my ex before her. What an enormous waste of my time and energy! We can list our ex's faults till we are blue in the face, but it doesn't achieve anything. It just delays putting the focus on us..I couldn't give a monkeys nutsack if my ex is happy or not. I hope she is, but I am not overly bothered. I couldn't care less of her opinion of me. It's not relevant in my life. I am single in my 30's, made bad choices because of me. No one else. If we call our ex's unstable, messed up that means we are too!Water finds its own level. I decided to make huge changes to my life, because it simply wasn't working the way I wanted to. I left my family and friends where it was 'safe' and moved to a new country and started a new life for myself. Drastic? Absolutely, but it needed to be. The old way simply wasn't working. I am here nearly 4 months now and I love it! I am still single, but it is by choice. I made a resolution to not get involved with a woman again, until I fully resolve the issues that have blighted my last few relationships. It's not easy. I have good days and the odd bad day. I have the odd set back and that is when I am tested. I could easily ask a few girls I know on dates, but that is just avoiding doing the hard work and looking for an easy way out.. When I first came here I would see posters talk about focusing on yourself. I had no idea what that meant until I got here. I go for walks and runs everyday. I get at least 3 hours of fresh air. I made more of an attempt with people, because I have no friends here. Or at least I didn't, I do now. When I feel lonely I don't over eat or reach for a beer like I used to. I just make a cup of tea and sit with the uncomfortable feelings until they pass. Sometimes I will update my journal, others I will through emails my ex's sent me detailing my flaws and failings. I read self help books on the area's I know I am weakest on and take regular online tests to see how I am progessing. It's a journey, sometimes its not easy but I know I have to do it or things will never change for me. I will keep posting here giving advice I don't follow myself. I will keep meeting the wrong girls, I will stay angry at them when they went to leave cause I pushed them away. I will focus all my energy and negative emotions on them, until I finally talk sense to myself. You need to release the shackles, as this guy is weighing you down. Being angry is ok, its natural but you have been apart for 3 months now? Its time to leave that anger go. I don't think people realise the effect that negative emotions and negative thinking has on their lives. They are pushing people away they haven't even met yet, without even knowing it.. I am turning my life from a negative to a positive. I really wish you would do that same.. Edited May 28, 2012 by Mack05 1
Joaquin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Are you familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief? DenialAngerBargainingDepressionAcceptance I really like this quote, also from kubler-Ross. "....When people are frustrated in repeat relationships, it's as if they're looking for milk in a hardware store. No matter how many times they go up and down the same aisles they're not going to find any milk. If you want love, tenderness, and affection in your relationships, but you have chosen a person who clearly can't give it to you, it's time to choose someone else. Don't allow people to be reckless with your love, your heart, and your tenderness. And don't allow old definitions dictate your present life. You can rewrite the rule book by learning to honour yourself and others, and by recording over the old tapes. You can find a new definition of love for yourself, one that truly means treating the other person as valuable, as worthy of great love and care. And you can expect that same treatment for yourself. Whatever it is, it is yours to define for yourself this lifetime...."
Radu Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 That's how I feel at the moment. I just feel incredible amount of disgust when I think of him, his face. Like that I would probably throw up if I had to kiss him again. Like he repels me in every way and I am not sure how I ever felt otherwise. I don't feel angry, just Anybody else? P.S. I am at 4 months post BU. We had civil but minimal contact. He is not dating anyone else. So it's weird that I hate him so much. Yes, not my last ex mind you but one before her ... the one who 'had fun' trampling over me. Being in the same city with her [2.5 million ppl] makes me barf.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 People are often afraid of anger. I think it can help you figure things out. As TBF pointed out, it is part of the process of healing. What's important is putting anger in perspective: it's a phase. This means how you feel now about your past relationship isn't how you will always feel about it. Allow the anger, explore it, but then let it go. Here, I think the anger phase can be particularly healthy for you ES. I remember your relationship and remember the ways in which you favored being in the relationship over asserting your own needs. I think what's happening now is that you're realizing you put up with way too much in this relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. The take away of your anger phase will be this: in your next relationship, there will likely be a better balance with you knowing and asserting your boundaries. Makes sense?
CopingGal Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think anger is good too. I was extremely angry for such a long time...maybe too long, but I'm glad I didn't ignore my anger and try to force myself not to be angry. Nowadays, I don't want to go back to all of that anger, but I don't want to force it down. I think when the anger starts to rise again, I'll take a different approach this time, by doing deep breathing, but still recognizing it. But I think in order for me to get to this point, it was important than I spewed all of my venom out on paper and in the "post here instead of contacting" threads. I do not blame myself for the way he treated me. I didn't even know he was doing a lot of what he did to me because it was behind my back. And I did take a stand by requiring us to seek therapy as a couple. I didn't know he was lying in therapy at the time. But I do blame myself for staying in the relationship. I should have left a long time before I required us to seek therapy as a couple. But I really didn't know any better because the relationship mimiced my parent's marriage. I've processed a lot and read self-help books. I've learned to listen to my instincts and not ignore them. I've learned so much. It has been terribly, terribly painful lessons, but I'm learning. Most of all, I'm proud of myself for staying out of relationships and not running to another man to fix my problems. Be angry! So you don't want good things to happen to him. So what? Big deal! I wished a lot of terrible things on my ex and I still do, but not as strongly as I did before. I do feel sorry for him now as well. Embrace your anger, for several months if you have to. Let it out! Let it out! But after several months, if you are still just as angry, you might want to consider therapy...heck, therapy can help you even now. Therapy is good to help with a break up. You can't control other people's actions. Don't blame yourself for this person treating you badly. But do ask yourself why you stayed in the relationship for as long as you did and work on yourself so that it doesn't happen again. But most importantly, focus on you now. Read self-help books to get you through this break up. Think about what you can do to prevent bad treatment again.
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