d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Getting even means doing about million times better in life than when I was with him and rubbing it in his face How long do you intend to maintain this relationship? He may not be physically there, but he is consuming you every waking moment. You can do better than that.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 He is not consuming my every thought. It's only today. Mostly I don't think about it. I am curious. I truly, genuinly wish that he stays alone and miserable for the rest of his life. Does that make me a bad person?
Taramere Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I know the PC thing is to wish your ex all the best. But I don't wish him all the best I always think that notion that you should wish an ex best regardless of them having cheated on you, or otherwise inflicted some hard-to-repair wound, is asking a bit much of a wounded person. It's enough to be shafted over and betrayed by the person...must people also knock themselves out with guilt because they dont feel like wishing their ex well in life? It makes more sense to save that kind of goodwill for people who've treated you decently and therefore deserve it. I was never a big fan of the Prodigal Son parable. 1
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Does that make me a bad person? Why do you even worry about it? Relationships form, relationships fail. After the end of the relationship, does it really matter what happens to them? No. Unless you somehow get / keep involved with them. And you keep yourself emotionally involved with him. Life is not fair. He may get further in life than you. He may not. You can only say that in 50 or 60 years, when you can look back on your life. The question is completely irrelevant to you. Why punish yourself for things you cannot change anymore?
johan Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 This seems like anger more than dislike. Something must be stirring up your anger at him for things that happened. Not that it isn't justified. Maybe this is what the process of dealing with it looks like. But you should deal with it. It's easy to turn it on yourself or inflict it on the next guy.
DuchessKaye Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Anger and bitterness will only eat you up... Let go of it... You can use your thoughts better, think of D'A, maybe? 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Why do you even worry about it? Relationships form, relationships fail. After the end of the relationship, does it really matter what happens to them? No. Unless you somehow get / keep involved with them. And you keep yourself emotionally involved with him. Life is not fair. He may get further in life than you. He may not. You can only say that in 50 or 60 years, when you can look back on your life. The question is completely irrelevant to you. Why punish yourself for things you cannot change anymore? Unless he wins lottery, I don't see how he can do better. I am already doing better than him. I was doing better than him while I was with him. He has no talents, no intelligence and no skills.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 This seems like anger more than dislike. Something must be stirring up your anger at him for things that happened. Not that it isn't justified. Maybe this is what the process of dealing with it looks like. But you should deal with it. It's easy to turn it on yourself or inflict it on the next guy. Are you suggesting that I am inflicting it on the next guy johan? Because if you are, you are WAY off base
snug.bunny Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Thanks SB. My hate comes in waves. In between there is mostly indifference. I hate how he treated me. I can't let go of that. He doesn't know it because I try to be polite. Mostly, we are NC. Yeah, I feel like he is worthless. He is ugly, dumb, spineless and I should have never given him a chance. Everybody told me that I could "do better". I didn't listen. ARGHARGH I am sure that he will never do better than me. Absolutely sure. That will be punishment enough. Glad to help. Write it out if it helps you to feel better. You can also treat yourself to a nice massage, a pedicure, get yer' hair did!
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Unless he wins lottery, I don't see how he can do better. I am already doing better than him. I was doing better than him while I was with him. Then why beat yourself up over such an irrelevant question? It is out of your hands. It is not your concern anymore. And it should not be of any concern of you the day you walked out of the relationship. Right now that guy is some sort of ethereal emotional tampon to you. You use it every so often when it is that time in your life again that you reflect on things, when you are not happy about where your life is. Don't use him as a crutch to keep limping along. Heal, and walk. That is much better for you.
fucpcg Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 As a spiritual teacher I read once put it: When you want to set fire to someone's house, where do you get that fire? You get that fire from your house, which is already burning. When you feel that way about an ex, all it means is you are burning, and that should be what concerns you.
johan Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Are you suggesting that I am inflicting it on the next guy johan? Because if you are, you are WAY off base I'm not suggesting you are doing anything. But anger like this can have an effect on future relationships.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Then why beat yourself up over such an irrelevant question? It is out of your hands. It is not your concern anymore. And it should not be of any concern of you the day you walked out of the relationship. Right now that guy is some sort of ethereal emotional tampon to you. You use it every so often when it is that time in your life again that you reflect on things, when you are not happy about where your life is. Don't use him as a crutch to keep limping along. Heal, and walk. That is much better for you. What world do you live in seriously? Do you really beleive that people walk out of a relationship and can just "leave it all behind"? Do you think forums like this would exist? I thought you were smarter than some canned advice.
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I thought you were smarter than some canned advice. Hey, if you want to use me as some emotional tampon for your anger issues, feel free to. I am not going to participate in that. I am better than that. Enjoy
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I'm not suggesting you are doing anything. But anger like this can have an effect on future relationships. That's why I am not getting into relationships yet. D'oh.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Hey, if you want to use me as some emotional tampon for your anger issues, feel free to. I am not going to participate in that. I am better than that. Enjoy THIS, has nothing to do with you. So don't bring yourself into it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 It really bothers me that when he asked me to move in with him, he didn't take any responsibility for that decision. Ton of my stuff is still there. Whenever I want to get it, it's never "convenient" for him. He could have packed it all in a box and mailed it, but he just can't be bothered. Why expand any effort when there is nothing in it for him. I would do it for any flatmate. Let alone for a person you claimed you wanted to marry. It bothers me that he presents himself as a "nice guy". In reality that's just a cover for being weak and spineless. We were supposed to go to Europe in august and booked the trip a month before we broke up. Again, he CBF canceling it or lifting a finger. I had to do all the calls, hunt down his signature etc etc. He did absolutely NOTHING.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 That's how I feel at the moment. I just feel incredible amount of disgust when I think of him, his face. Like that I would probably throw up if I had to kiss him again. Like he repels me in every way and I am not sure how I ever felt otherwise. I don't feel angry, just Anybody else? P.S. I am at 4 months post BU. We had civil but minimal contact. He is not dating anyone else. So it's weird that I hate him so much. Hi, ES!!! For awhile, I loathed him. He disgusted and infuriated me. It all turned into indifference, which is better--indifference takes up no energy:) Oh....The thought of sleeping with him does make my stomach turn. He couldn't perform.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Hi, ES!!! For awhile, I loathed him. He disgusted and infuriated me. It all turned into indifference, which is better--indifference takes up no energy:) Oh....The thought of sleeping with him does make my stomach turn. He couldn't perform. LOL as hard as he tried, mine was done in less than 2 minutes. Plus he was not very ummmm big. Left a lot to be desired ETA: mine is slowly turning into indifference. Days like today are few and far between and there are always triggers. After we broke up, I felt like this every day. I never missed him or felt any longing though. It was always hate/anger. Edited May 27, 2012 by Eternal Sunshine 1
Mack05 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) "It bothers me that he presents himself as a "nice guy". In reality that's just a cover for being weak and spineless" Why does it bother you!!!? Me and my ex see &^&* in each other now but the one thing I do know is, when we first became boyfriend and girlfriend both of us wanted to be happy forever together..I don't believe people intentionally come together to **** on the other..It didn't work. move on! U are living your life in the wrong way. I made mistakes, my ex did too. We don't think much of the other, we can diagnose the crap out of each other till the cows come home, but I know I want her happy..No matter what she said or did to me. Whether people think she is a saint/sinner or not, I couldn't give a ****!. I am too busy focusing what I want out of life. She is the same.. I feel so sorry for people who can't let go. It says SOOOO much more about them, then it does their ex's.... Edited May 27, 2012 by Mack05
threebyfate Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Are you familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief? DenialAngerBargainingDepressionAcceptance
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I would give my right arm to never have been involved with my ex.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 TBF I seem to cycle between anger, depression and acceptance. I don't feel angry all the time. There is no bargaining - I never want him back. I think that mostly I blame myself for not having enough self respect to leave earlier.
threebyfate Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Yeah, not everyone goes through every stage where it's not always in order. People sometimes cycle back and forth between stages or get trapped in stages for awhile, so what's happening to you isn't abnormal. It's over and done with. Had you left him sooner without knowing the entire story, would you have had regrets? Something tells me you would, even to the degree of breakup then make up. Perhaps this was the best way for it to have unfolded. As far as hating my exes, not a one. Time heals.
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