Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) That's how I feel at the moment. I just feel incredible amount of disgust when I think of him, his face. Like that I would probably throw up if I had to kiss him again. Like he repels me in every way and I am not sure how I ever felt otherwise. I don't feel angry, just Anybody else? P.S. I am at 4 months post BU. We had civil but minimal contact. He is not dating anyone else. So it's weird that I hate him so much. Edited May 27, 2012 by Eternal Sunshine 1
DuchessKaye Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I don't... I still love him and I believe we will eventually get back together.
kindest Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I don't really know what I feel. I go from love to anger to hate to sadness to loneliness to bitterness to emptiness to longing in just one day. Then I go to sleep and go through the cycle all over again. I'm a mess.
Leigh 87 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 ET - I think it is because your ex was a jerk to you! A decent, nice guy, will not make negative comments about their girlfriends body and do the things your ex did to you. In a healthy relationship, where neither person wrongly puts the other person down; I do not think people would become sick at the thought of their ex ! Not unless the ex DID something, that made him a jerk and just a mean person in general. I do not think it is normal, for two people who mutually like and respected one another, to feel disgusted at the thought fo being sexual with an ex! They would have to DO something, to paint them as a bad person. ,, You feel disgusted because he is a jerk! You know this now! Yet you let him touch you and you gave him your physical and emotional intimacy... I would feel disgusted with it too, after the way he treated you.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I used to go through those cycles early on, perhaps first month. But then everything settled on disgust and indifference. I have been steadily feeling this way for a while.
Dark Phoenix Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 So you made a mistake and had the rose tinted glasses on. You learn from it and grow up from it. You weren't an angel in your relationship with him. Stop making him look like the only bad person. You need to eat crow yourself. You had an intense relationship with him and now you are starting to see him for who he is
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 So you made a mistake and had the rose tinted glasses on. You learn from it and grow up from it. You weren't an angel in your relationship with him. Stop making him look like the only bad person. You need to eat crow yourself. You had an intense relationship with him and now you are starting to see him for who he is It's not even about the blame. I am aware I made mistakes that I wouldn't make in my next R. He is probably not even a bad person. I think the way he treated me was mostly due to relationship inexperience rather than malice (at 30, I was his first serious relationship). It's just this instinctive feeling of disgust towards him - it's hard to explain. I imagine his face and feel :sick::sick: Like I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole.
Dark Phoenix Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Yup, you grew up, you realize now that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You let your emotions take control of your life and now that you are in control of them you start to see things more clearly. I understand the disgust that you are feeling, done that myself
Leigh 87 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 ET - what he said to you was off.... yOU said he was critical of your body... Guys who are clued in, or otherwise nice, know not to act that way, socially, and especially in a relaitonship. His inexperience may have contributed to it, of course, not genuinely being a jerk at heart. I do not know him, after all. What he said to you though, is enough to make you feel sick at the thought of him.... In regards to the inexperience - my recent ex said a very off thing to me, in the beginning of our relaitonship, largely due to the fact I am his first long term g/f, he was 24 when he said it to me..... 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Yup, you grew up, you realize now that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You let your emotions take control of your life and now that you are in control of them you start to see things more clearly. I understand the disgust that you are feeling, done that myself Yep DP, right on the money.
Pyro Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I do not. I refuse to let any of my ex's live rent free inside my head. One of my ex's cheated on me but it is ancient history. 3
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 No. My ex and I did not work out. We set each other free. I hope she can find happiness on her own, and, since she is relationship oriented, let's another man in. I am confident she has.
pillowcase Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I don't... I still love him and I believe we will eventually get back together. What she said.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I feel like my ex doesn't deserve happiness. I would actually like him to end up alone. Half because no grandkids is his parents worst nightmare. They treated me appalingly because his dad, as a doctor felt that I am past my prime when it comes to reproduction (since I was 32 at the time) and therefore am less worthy as a human being That man doesn't deserve grandkids. My ex never did anything to stand up for me. To this day I have nightmares of his dad. He is a cruel, brutal man. My ex is just weak and spineless. 2
Mack05 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) That's how I feel at the moment. I just feel incredible amount of disgust when I think of him, his face. Like that I would probably throw up if I had to kiss him again. Like he repels me in every way and I am not sure how I ever felt otherwise. I don't feel angry, just Anybody else? P.S. I am at 4 months post BU. We had civil but minimal contact. He is not dating anyone else. So it's weird that I hate him so much. I did for awhile. Its taken me alot longer then normal to get rid of my anger. I don't anymore. She is not a good person in my opinion, no matter how hard she tries to prove otherwise. She said alot of horrible things to me. I think the first step to changing your life and becoming a good person, is embracing your flaws and resolving anger. My ex is incapable of neither. Still though in my last relationship one of us was as bad as the other. I was like her 'blaming' the other person for everything, but that is such an emotionally immature way of looking at things. I think I was angry at the wrong person. I saw the red flags very very early and I choose to stay. Not only that some of my own behaviours were very erractic in the relationship. I was very up and down and would change my mind a lot. I learnt some valuable lessons. Consistency, backing up your word and being reliable are so important in a relationship. I have had a lot of time for myself and I have learned to turn it inwards. To look at myself and my behaviour and not just focus on hers. My ex has every right to despise me (but it won't help her). She was a girl looking for love and met a guy who was in denial and was a total mess. Who hadn't dealt with the relationship before that. Who was clearly in rebound mode. Who didn't have the decency to leave the relationship, when he knew it was wrong cause he was scared no one would ever want him. I heard a great quote on this site. "Harbouring bitterness and resentment to someone is like taking poison and expecting them to die". It is so true. I am very close to forgiving my ex and letting all the negativity go. Not quite yet, but very very close. More importantly, I am close to making peace with myself. Once that happens I am free to love again and I have removed all baggage from my last relationship, confronted it, dealt with it and have the freedom to pursue my hopes and dreams. Don't be like me ex eternal. She has so much anger inside her. I don't think she will ever be happy, no matter how much she tries to convince herself/me otherwise. She told me she will never forgive me. She has so much anger to many other people in her life. She lives life in total denial, blaming anyone and everyone for her predicament. She follows the same tried and trusted routine. Meets a guy, everything is amazing at the start, only for it to slowly unravel. She ends up hating him and moving onto the next guy. Lather, rinse, repeat. Use this time to let go of the resentment Eternal. Just google the term there are many sites with many tips. If you can deal effectively with the baggage from this relationship and other area's of your life, it will make you far better prepared to be in a great relationship going forward. Don't rush it. Let others be angry, aportion blame and rebound and live their lives in denial. Choose a different and wiser path for you..A path that has far more chance of leading to happiness.. Think of it this way. If you met a great guy and you saw he was full of anger towards his last ex would it concern you? I would much rather meet someone who has shown a capacity to forgive. Having that kind of capacity leads to healthy relations in the future and that is what you should be focusing on -> The future, just resolve the issues from the past first.. Edited May 27, 2012 by Mack05 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Thanks for the insightful post. I feel totally over him (in the sense that I don't miss him a bit and would never get back together with him). BUT I do hate him - I can't help it. The thing that bugs me is that he thinks he is such a good person when he is not at all. He is extremely selfish and uses and disposes of people as he pleases (including his closest friends). He never admitted to weaknesses (for example feeling jealous of other guys) but would go behind the scenes to remove them from our social circle (I found this out later), yet he would call me crazy for being jealous - at least I had it out in the open! After the end (when he didn't need me anymore) - he took no responsibility to forward me my mail (we lived together at his place). I ended up being hounded by debt collectors because he CBF forwarding my mail and I forgot to change the address at one place. He is like that - when he has no more use for people he likes to pretend they don't exist. YET - he is convinced that he is way "too nice" and that's why he is unlucky in life Seriously, I can't stand him
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I know the PC thing is to wish your ex all the best. But I don't wish him all the best and I don't pretend to. I wish him to never find happiness, at least not until he looks in the mirror and faces who he is truly is.
Mack05 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the insightful post. I feel totally over him (in the sense that I don't miss him a bit and would never get back together with him). BUT I do hate him - I can't help it. The thing that bugs me is that he thinks he is such a good person when he is not at all. He is extremely selfish and uses and disposes of people as he pleases (including his closest friends). He never admitted to weaknesses (for example feeling jealous of other guys) but would go behind the scenes to remove them from our social circle (I found this out later), yet he would call me crazy for being jealous - at least I had it out in the open! After the end (when he didn't need me anymore) - he took no responsibility to forward me my mail (we lived together at his place). I ended up being hounded by debt collectors because he CBF forwarding my mail and I forgot to change the address at one place. He is like that - when he has no more use for people he likes to pretend they don't exist. YET - he is convinced that he is way "too nice" and that's why he is unlucky in life Seriously, I can't stand him I have no doubt everything you said about him is true, but how does it help you? I think there are two ways of dealing with a breakup from what I have seen here on LS and encountered in my own life. 1) You can stay angry at the other person, focusing on their negative traits until one day somwhere down the line you feel 'indifferent' or 2) You can deal with in a emotionally mature way by feeling all the various emotions everyone experiences throughout a breakup.. Look at the relationship through your eyes, your ex's eyes and a third parties eyes. Journal everything and try piece everything together.. While you are sitting in on a weekend 'despising' your ex he is out there living life. I think if you deal with a breakup the first way (mentioned above) what are you really learning about yourself Eternal? Lately I have been focusing on my breakup from my ex's eyes. I have numerous emails outlining where she felt I went wrong. I find it very helpful on my journey to emotionally grow as a person, to see someone's criticisms of me as a person. I could easily say my ex is this and my ex is that, but that is absolving myself of accountability/responsibility in the failure of the R and as I said above what am I really learning about myself? You say you "I can't help it" but you can. We all have the power to change things in our lives that are not working for us. From what I gather, you are a woman in her 30's who has suffered a few broken hearts?. Maybe now is the time to bring this inwards and try to change the script? To try look at your life from a different angle, a different presective. Spending time feeling all these negative emotions towards an ex is an enormous waste of a precious life. You are a good woman with a good heart. You are very pretty too. You have so many strings to your bow. Go live life and get what you deserve. You won't get that by despising a man, who to be honest is not worth a second thought.. Edited May 27, 2012 by Mack05
gibson Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Eternal, First... Get Better, not Bitter! Second... I think you have lost sight of what dating, relationships and a break up truly are / mean. Third... I suggest you read "A Break Up... Is The Answer To A Question" below in my signature.
snug.bunny Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 You know the old saying, "I can forgive, but I can't forget"? Welp, the reverse has been my mantra in the past under certain circumstances "I can't forgive you, but I will forget you". But, that in itself is a paradox... Despising someone, essentially means you consider that person beneath you. He/she is worthless. Pretty strong 'stuff' to be carrying around... Your ex is a human being. He's let you down, he has hurt you. He has faults. He has limitations. He's made mistakes. He isn't perfect. This is true, of you, too...It's true for all of us. At the end of the day, the simple truth is that you will never be free, if you can't learn to forgive someone. Forgiving someone, also means, forgiving yourself. This WILL be something you will have to come to terms with and resolve, IF, you ever want to be able to love another person freely in the future. Here's a cute video to help cheer you up:
DuchessKaye Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 ES, stop consuming yourself! You don't like wrinkles, do you? Don't get mad, get EVEN! 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 ES, stop consuming yourself! You don't like wrinkles, do you? Don't get mad, get EVEN! There is always Botox Getting even means doing about million times better in life than when I was with him and rubbing it in his face
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 You know the old saying, "I can forgive, but I can't forget"? Welp, the reverse has been my mantra in the past under certain circumstances "I can't forgive you, but I will forget you". But, that in itself is a paradox... Despising someone, essentially means you consider that person beneath you. He/she is worthless. Pretty strong 'stuff' to be carrying around... Your ex is a human being. He's let you down, he has hurt you. He has faults. He has limitations. He's made mistakes. He isn't perfect. This is true, of you, too...It's true for all of us. At the end of the day, the simple truth is that you will never be free, if you can't learn to forgive someone. Forgiving someone, also means, forgiving yourself. This WILL be something you will have to come to terms with and resolve, IF, you ever want to be able to love another person freely in the future. Here's a cute video to help cheer you up: Thanks SB. My hate comes in waves. In between there is mostly indifference. I hate how he treated me. I can't let go of that. He doesn't know it because I try to be polite. Mostly, we are NC. Yeah, I feel like he is worthless. He is ugly, dumb, spineless and I should have never given him a chance. Everybody told me that I could "do better". I didn't listen. ARGHARGH I am sure that he will never do better than me. Absolutely sure. That will be punishment enough.
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