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Stereotypes

wellwhynot

By wellwhynot
in The Other Man / Woman

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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What is the most outrageous stereotype that you have heard tossed around about the OM/OW that you know to be totally false from your own personal

experience?

 

Does it bother you when people make these mindless assumptions with no basis in fact, or do you consider the source?

 

I was just wondering what type of response that leads to for you, I know sometimes I find the level of ignorance so crazy that it's almost funny, but I do admit to a certain level of frustration from time to time. Generalizing bothers me overall, but especially when someone applies their narrowmindedness to my relationship or argues with me about why I do something or tells me I must be mistaken because "all affairs are.... "

 

The most ridiculous stereotype I've heard is that affair partners are together because they love drama. I think I laughed for 20 minutes when I heard that because drama is the last thing we have in our relationship. Obviously that didn't bother me because it was just silly.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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Golden va ja ja! :laugh: Poor widdle WS just couldn't resist the power! :p

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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Golden va ja ja! :laugh: Poor widdle WS just couldn't resist the power! :p

That makes me smile too. I made a reference earlier that we must have pixiedustfilled vaginas and I was thinking of EXACTLY that type of mentality when I started this thread

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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I think any title be it ow, bs, ws, etc have stereotypes that aren't necessarily true however any of the above titled do have a lot of commonalities and that includes affairs which usually have many commonalities.

 

Since I'm a ways out from being an ow, I don't concern myself with stereotypes much at this point. However, I'm sure that if I were the ow now I would have be defensive about it and most likely the reason that I would have been defensive was that some of the stereotypes were true although I wouldn't have wanted to admit it then.

 

I never said some aren't true... but there are a whole lot more that aren't and those are the ones I'm most interested in discussing.

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VioletFemme Member

VioletFemme

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I would turn the question back to you--what are the stereotypes you are hearing?

 

Personally, I don't encounter a lot of sterotyping in my every day life. I see it online in articles or on this forum occassionally, but in real life...not so much.

 

One steroetype I have seen online is:

 

**The poor, sad OW sitting alone depressed and friendless on holidays and special occasions.

 

My personal experience: I celebrate the holidays and special occasions the same way I ever did before: with friends or family, or solo, as I choose. I may have a "wish he was here" moment, but it's a moment. I live pretty far away from some other people in my life who are important to me--during holidays where I can't be with my long distance family I also have "wish they--Mom, Dad, sisters, Grandparents--were here" moments too. It doesn't fill my life with sadness that my lover can't always be there.

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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VioletFemme has a point. The stereotyping I encountered was only apparent in two isolated areas. LS, and the BS.

 

The BS (in the early days of her being aware) said it was all about the sex (so very, very inaccurate) and many LS posters maintained here and on other forums that a sexless marriage could never happen and it must be lies.

 

Imagine how much I care about either of the above :D

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pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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I would turn the question back to you--what are the stereotypes you are hearing?

 

Personally, I don't encounter a lot of sterotyping in my every day life. I see it online in articles or on this forum occassionally, but in real life...not so much.

 

One steroetype I have seen online is:

 

**The poor, sad OW sitting alone depressed and friendless on holidays and special occasions.

 

My personal experience: I celebrate the holidays and special occasions the same way I ever did before: with friends or family, or solo, as I choose. I may have a "wish he was here" moment, but it's a moment. I live pretty far away from some other people in my life who are important to me--during holidays where I can't be with my long distance family I also have "wish they--Mom, Dad, sisters, Grandparents--were here" moments too. It doesn't fill my life with sadness that my lover can't always be there.

 

This misconception is the one that applied to me, and I think the purpose was to deem us as pathetic. Oh believe me, I have felt pathetic at times, but it was never from the affair.

 

I am really blessed to have many friends and family, even now if I am alone it is due to choice, but not because there are no options. Back then, during the affair, I was too busy to even think about being alone...now I am working out my past and do have a tendancy to isolate, of which my friends will constantly try to get me out and about.

 

During the affair, I was very active, but did miss him during parties and most family get togethers, of which there is a party every night of the week...birthdays, anniversaries etc. I was my own person and enjoyed my own life.

 

One of the many major blessings is I have many friends that I have known since grade school, and some I've recently connected with

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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What is the most outrageous stereotype that you have heard tossed around about the OM/OW that you know to be totally false from your own personal

experience?

 

That OW "can't get a man of their own" so have to share.

 

Another is that the OW entices the WS by being willing to demean herself sexually. Sure, if participating in and enjoying sex is demeaning...:lmao:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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VioletFemme Member

VioletFemme

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Pretty much everything since post # 11 has been off topic and will get deleted, you know. If you want to discuss a different topic that has been brought to mind by this topic, please start another thread. The topic of this thread is "stereotypes" and we should be respectful of that. I personally find it a valid topic, and think it could be discussed fully, without further name calling, without wandering off the topic.

 

I think it's important to discuss misconceptions and sterotypes. If you want to communicate with someone, how can you do that when you've got them pegged as one thing, with all it's various preconcieved notions? You're not even trying to communicate fully if you are clinging to sterotypes and your own beliefs so hard that you can't see the other person for what and who they are: a fully formed and unique individual.

 

Yes, I am currently an "other woman" by many definitions. But I am also many other things: fiercely independent. Intelligent. Strong. Caring and compassionate. A loyal friend. A good daughter and sister. A person who holds dear to her own moral convictions (be they different from yours or not.) If someone tries to paint me as JUST one thing, they miss the rest of the picture. While that may well be their loss--and not affect me too much--they will NEVER get through to me or make me hear or understand them if I've felt thay have been dismissive of me as a whole person.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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I think for me, luckily, I honestly knew little about affairs prior to mine so it really wasn't something I knew was stereotyped. You see it in movies, etc but I really have never focused much on that area of other's relationships so my experience had been pretty neutral. I knew about my mom's affair when I was very young but other than annoyed they stayed in a continuing bad marriage I really did not feel tied to it; it had nothing to do with me.

 

I guess I tend to walk to the beat of my own drum and don't listen to others. I had friends and family who were worried about my heart but they were supportive of me.

 

I have not experienced or found myself to be alienated, not supported, alone, a fantasy, not real, unicorns and puppy dogs :rolleyes:, not dealing with "real life" issues :rolleyes:, or being used for any reason.

 

It really just wasn't that exciting, just a regular old relationship.

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VioletFemme Member

VioletFemme

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I think for me, luckily, I honestly knew little about affairs prior to mine so it really wasn't something I knew was stereotyped. You see it in movies, etc but I really have never focused much on that area of other's relationships so my experience had been pretty neutral. I knew about my mom's affair when I was very young but other than annoyed they stayed in a continuing bad marriage I really did not feel tied to it; it had nothing to do with me.

 

I guess I tend to walk to the beat of my own drum and don't listen to others. I had friends and family who were worried about my heart but they were supportive of me.

 

I have not experienced or found myself to be alienated, not supported, alone, a fantasy, not real, unicorns and puppy dogs :rolleyes:, not dealing with "real life" issues :rolleyes:, or being used for any reason.

 

It really just wasn't that exciting, just a regular old relationship.

 

I find this most interesting:

It really just wasn't that exciting, just a regular old relationship.

 

That is so very very UNsterotypical. Excellent point.

 

No matter what others think of the TYPE of relationship we are in--affair--it is a REAL relationship to the persons involved in it. And when you have real people, you have people who don't fit the mold, the sterotype, the assumption. People are too unique; situations are too unique. While there are and will be similarities in experiences, each one is different unto itsself.

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pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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That OW "can't get a man of their own" so have to share.

 

Another is that the OW entices the WS by being willing to demean herself sexually. Sure, if participating in and enjoying sex is demeaning...:lmao:

 

This is another major misconception, bigtime.

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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I hate the stereotype that all affairs are the same. They really aren't, you know? Every single relationship is different.

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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Yet they all involve a WS and an AP so it makes them all look exactly the same with different players in the role. Different lines, same script;stereotype...maybe....maybe not.

 

Nope. I haven't seen 2 stories that are the same yet. I see people saying over and over that they are the same, but I have yet to hear 2 actual stories from the people involved that are anything close, so yes, stereotype.

 

It's like people saying all gay relationships are the same or all intercultural relationships are the same or all college relationships are the same or all marriages are the same.

 

It just shows how narrow minded some people are. I offered to tell someone my situation when they asked, the response was...basically that they didn't want to know. They wanted to be snide and bitchy and when I actually offered to explain they didn't care because they might have had to rearrange their thought process.

 

Stereotypes can show a lack of creativity and indicate a boring person. I'd much rather get to know people and find out why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do.

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Radagast Established Member

Radagast

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A stereotype that riles me is the claim that "other women" are interchangeable and that an unfaithful spouse is somehow just looking for any old pair of legs to squeeze between. Nothing could be further from the truth! If any old pair of legs would do then they'd be happy with their spouse. Choosing to participate in an affair is serious business. It involves a great deal of effort and potential risk. Perhaps there are some individuals who get off on that kind of thing but most men that I know and from my own experience it takes a special person to make you want to go to all of that trouble and take that kind of risk.

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skywriter Established Member

skywriter

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I get what you're saying about that stereotyping Rad. I made myself believe that too, while involved with the MM.

 

It was how he behaved later, that helped me to realise, there was much more going on with him.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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Yet they all involve a WS and an AP so it makes them all look exactly the same with different players in the role. Different lines, same script;stereotype...maybe....maybe not.

 

Isn't is funny how ALL relationships involve two parties, they meet, they have an attraction, they act on it, ad nausem.

 

Aren't all relationships pretty darn stereotypical at the macro level?

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wellwhynot Established Member

wellwhynot

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If this were a the general relationship forum I would have spoken about general relationships. Since this is one where an AP is part of the equation...that is the one I have spoken of. :)

 

 

Exactly, which just shows that indeed, affairs are just like regular relationships in a lot of ways, which leads me to another stereotype that drives me crazy.

"Affairs arent' real relationships" and that's just crazy because it's very real.

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Radagast Established Member

Radagast

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On a related note, how about "affairs are all romance and roses and not about the mundane realities of life, like sick children and mortgage payments"? I think it's fair to say that many, if not most, affairs involve a good deal of mundane reality, including sick children and mortgage payments but they differ from many marriages in that in affairs sick children and mortgage payments are not the sole basis for the relationship while in far too marriages (certainly my previous marriage was one) they are.

 

Another related stereotype is that affair partners are always "on" and so they only see the best sides of each other. In reality affair partners have a pretty rounded perspective on each other as they see the mundane, the stressed, the fun and the dreams, while spouses often see only the stressed and the mundane, with fun forgotten and dreams locked away because they so often feature an escape from the mundane realities of faculty life.

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seren Established Member

seren

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There will be as many stereotypes about affairs as there are about marriages, equally as many about OW/OM as there are about WS and BS. The stereotypes abound and depend on what role and what the individual's experience of A's are. The debate often gets jammed up because each will debate depending on what their role is, or how they would like it to be.

 

My experience as a BS and my view of the OW and why my H had an A has no positives, so naturally I would view that A as negative, as does the OW and certainly my H. Furthermore, in the majority of A's at least one person will be hurt and so will view the A in a negative light. It stands to reason that on a site for Infidelity there will be stereotypical views, it's the nature of the beast. Shame that it usually ends up with one side defending their stance by degenerating the other, seems to be becoming a pattern lately.

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Radagast Established Member

Radagast

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Yeah, I really hate that stereotype too. If affairs are so "real" why aren't they out in the open?

 

Some are. This is another stereotype: that affairs are always hidden, and that the other woman is some "dirty little secret". My affair was not hidden. My family knew. My friends knew. My colleagues knew. Everyone who was important to me knew, including my children. The only one who did not know was my then-wife. So it was very much "out in the open".

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Radagast Established Member

Radagast

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I never said they aren't real. I just believe the "real" that is based on lies and deciet real not last.....just like a marriage based on those things.

 

This is another stereotype: that affairs are based on lies and deceit. Our relationship was based on honesty and trust. Not a single lie passed between us. Any "lies and deceit" lay outside of the relationship, in the marriage. If any relationship was characterised by "lies and deceit" it would have been the marriage and not the affair.

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Ghisop Established Member

Ghisop

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My best friend was with a mm for years. When people found out the way they treated her was awful. It was like she was instantly this depraved husband stealing slut. I think that's the biggest stereotype I have seen. She was looked at like she had no morals. When really, she's my best friend and a woderfully Caring sweet person.

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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A stereotype about OW is that they are jealous of the BW, and want "her life". Er, at best they want the man who happens to still be legally bound to her. I have not come across any OW who wanted to live the BWs life, with her kids, her job, her body, her house, her clothes etc. most are more than happy with their own, just with their love losing his spousal appendage.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Yeah, I really hate that stereotype too. If affairs are so "real" why aren't they out in the open?

 

It's often only one person or a small number of people who are unaware.

 

I don't think it's any basis on which to qualify a relationship as 'real' or 'imaginary'.

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