Having unwanted emotions.

May 28, 2012

Thanks Pierre,

I do not know why I need external validation but it is so true. I even know that the person "validating"is a scumbag,so it shouldnt mean anything anyway. I wish I knew what is about me that tells men that I like their attention. I had a coworker hit on me and had me in tears b/c I dont know what it is about me that attracts this type of person. And I KNOW that I dont give all of these men so called "vibes". I just concluded that those type of men hit on anything they find attractive and hope a percentage says yes.

I wish I wouldve put this man in the same category as I do all of the others. Im not sure why I let it get this far. I guess b/c I was acutally attracted to him too unlike most men that do hit on me.

The more I think about him, the more he pisses me off. Just b/c I thought he was cute, I let him get in my head. I am better and stronger than that.

I agree that some sort of counseling is a good idea. I dont know why I can be insecure at times.

Thanks

May 29, 2012

He emailed me at work and he wants me to call him. Should I call him to tell him to leave me alone our just ignore him? I don't want to email anything because its a work email and anyone can see

May 29, 2012

ignore him!

the next time you see him- because he will approach you -make it perfectly clear that you are a married woman and don't want to engage him anymore.

May 29, 2012

I've always been physically attracted to other women. I just deal with that and don't put myself in situations that would be tempting. I don't have a lot of opportunity these days though.

(btw I'm a betrayed husband who's in the middle of a divorce)

Maybe read the book "women's infidelity"? It's by a woman just like yourself, who was surprised by her own urges and started going to therapy for it. She started interviewing other women and found that many felt the same way. A big point she makes is that women are brought up to not expect to be attracted to other people, they don't expect it when they make their vows...so it makes them vulnerable when suddenly they face extramarital desires. Whereas men are taught to expect it and expect to battle the urges all the way through a marriage.

May 29, 2012

He emailed me at work and he wants me to call him. Should I call him to tell him to leave me alone our just ignore him? I don't want to email anything because its a work email and anyone can see

Do not call him. Unless you want to start cheating!

He is testing you by putting it on you to start contact - what you DO or DON'T DO tells him EVERYTHING!!!!

If you call = he knows you have the door open for him....

If you don't = THAT gives him the clear signal that you are NOT going to PARTICIPATE!

On a side note - ALLOWING him to take your phone and put his number in it was completely inappropriate! When YOU DIDN'T GET MAD at HIM for crossing the line of privacy (taking YOUR phone) - he got the idea that it was OK to keep crossing that line!

What you DO or DON'T DO send clear signals!

For me - if married or taken - any man taking MY phone would be cause for blatant words that allow HIM to understand perfectly well that HE IS crossing MY boundary.

I'd be quick to tell him that he's completely OUT OF LINE!!!!!

Have you told your H what happened? I suggest you do!

May 29, 2012

He emailed me at work and he wants me to call him. Should I call him to tell him to leave me alone our just ignore him? I don't want to email anything because its a work email and anyone can see

Personally I think either one is ok. But if you do talk to him, the message is clear and concise (meaning short)...I don't want to have any contact with you. If you pursue me, I will tell both my husband and your wife. Bet that's the last you have to hear from him. Nothing wrong with communicating your boundary and then sticking with no contact.

You're doing well. For what it is worth, I recommend you discuss the whole event with your H. This makes it more difficult for you to slip and opens up a dialogue with your H that you need. He will appreciate your honesty and you might get a more honest dialogue going on your sexual needs.

May 29, 2012

Recently I had to stay out of town for work and I met this man that was attracted to me. (first of all let me say that I have to reject men on a day to day basis

Every single day huh? Even when they know you are married? I somehow doubt that. But on with the story.

and it never phases me, part of being an attractive women).

The only way men are going to hit on you daily when they know you are married is if you are somehow putting out a signal. Women that are knowingly married may get hit on once in a blue moon, but not every day unless you are sending out a vibe.

He realized I was married and he told me he was engaged. the next night as a group we had a few drinks and the group ended up seperating leaving the two of us alone.

Uh, so why didn't you go with your group? Answer, you wanted to stay there alone with him. Don't make this sound like you two were left high and dry together.

The next day we talked again and he knew at this point that I was attracted to him. I was no longer drunk at this point but I was still "sexually attracted" to him. I have no desire to be with the guy but I really wanted to sleep with him.

You had no desire, but you had desire. Huh?

As we parted ways he told me that he will leave me alone and if i ever want to get in touch with him I can call him first. Well its been a few days since ive been home and I know that I will never call him. (i have ZERO intentions of cheating on my husband).

The problem is that I cant stop thinking about it and Im not sure why. Its driving me crazy. I tried taking it out on my husband but he hasnt been "in the mood".

That may be why I am so attracted to this other guy?

So you are going to blame your husband for your attraction to someone else?

Me and my husband have sex about twice a month.The sex is almost always great, but the one thing I miss is feeling sexy. This other guy made me feel so sexy and the way he looked at me was so arousing.

Well ya, thats the feeling you'll get from a stranger, from someone that doesn't have to be with you every day.

This guy told me that if we hooked up he would even keep his pants on and just wants to please me. My husband wants me to enjoy sex but he is so lazy in bed. When we do have sex he just asks me if I want to and If im just laying there im not usually in the mood. I guess I want him to take more initiation and to actually turn me on by making me feel sexy and "foreplay".

So my main question is why do I have these feelings towards this other man?

Because marriage isn't for someone that can't realize that things do calm down a bit once you have been with the same person for so many years. Marriage and being parents change the relationship. It doesn't have to be dead, but don't delude yourself into thinking that if you were with this guy, his charms and "only wanting to please" you will stay that way.

Marriage is for those that can handle knowing that the fires in the furnace won't be as hot as when the logs were first thrown in. It can be hot, but you are looking at a guy that doesn't have to live with you every day. So of course being with someone new makes him a knight in shining armor.

So why do you have these feelings towards this other man? Because you are married. Plain and simple.

May 29, 2012

Hey WW---did you remove his # from your phone

when you had just finished contact with this scumbag-----who wants one thing and one thing only-----you were fantasizing---and the putting down of your mge/H.---was you attempting to justify, your feelings

You had some spicy, excitement going, your brain was throwing the chemical cocktail around and you were caught up

Hopefully you have had time to figure out, that if you were to be so, And I put this bluntly---STUPID, enuff to ruin a perfectly good mge, and cause a wonderful man to have horrible pain and unrepairable mental harm----you will not allow contact---plus you yourself will regret what you would have done for the rest of your life

Read on some of these forums, where the true wayward spouses, many times DO NOT RECOVER from their cheating ways

You need to send this scum one e-mail---you tell him 2 things---if he ever tries to contact you again, in any way, shape, or from, you will bring him up on sexual harrasment charges---he probably hasn't gone that far, but he is now treading in water where he does not belong---you told him NO, once, that is enuff---anything after the no---is harrasing---secondly---you tell him, if he does not dissapear, you will tell his fiance, that he is trying to start an A.-----Hopefully that will be the end of the situation with him

If you were ever to get thoughts like this reverie you were in----take a large rubber band, wear it on your wrist---the minute your thoughts start to stray---snap that rubber band, and keep on snapping it until it hurts---that will bring you back to reality

One other thing---if you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship with your H---have a serious talk with him---and I mean serious---many mge., tank, cuz the 2 partners, are afraid to SERIOUSLY, and FORCEFULLY talk to each other.

Good luck and stand tall----and above all protect your mge

May 29, 2012

Did you have contact with him today?

If so - what did you tell him?

May 30, 2012

The only way men are going to hit on you daily when they know you are married is if you are somehow putting out a signal. Women that are knowingly married may get hit on once in a blue moon, but not every day unless you are sending out a vibe.

Uh, so why didn't you go with your group? Answer, you wanted to stay there alone with him. Don't make this sound like you two were left high and dry together.

You had no desire, but you had desire. Huh?

So you are going to blame your husband for your attraction to someone else?

Well ya, thats the feeling you'll get from a stranger, from someone that doesn't have to be with you every day.

Because marriage isn't for someone that can't realize that things do calm down a bit once you have been with the same person for so many years. Marriage and being parents change the relationship. It doesn't have to be dead, but don't delude yourself into thinking that if you were with this guy, his charms and "only wanting to please" you will stay that way.

Marriage is for those that can handle knowing that the fires in the furnace won't be as hot as when the logs were first thrown in. It can be hot, but you are looking at a guy that doesn't have to live with you every day. So of course being with someone new makes him a knight in shining armor.

So why do you have these feelings towards this other man? Because you are married. Plain and simple.

Okay, so no I dont get hit on every day. i didnt mean it litteraly. and most of the time its just some creepy guy giving me the look. But it is often and for some reason its usually more often by men that are married. I cant say i'm innocent but in MOST cases I do not offer positive body language.

And honestly I was left high and dry by my group b/c they went to smoke weed and im not into that. So I shouldve just went back to my room.

I meant I had no desire to have a relationship with him, just sexual.

And I am in NO way blaming my husband for my actions, but just trying to find out why I am the way I am. Which thanks to much of the feedback, I am getting it.

To answer other questions:

I have not told my H and I'm not sure if and when I will but I am planning on talking about our sex life. (which I have brought it up to him several times)

So I took everyone's advice and ended not calling the OM, but I did reply to his email with One statement " Do not contact me again". and that is all I said. He did reply and said "I totally agree............." I did not respond back even though he was probably expecting for me too, and Im not going to. So he is just probably agreeing to make himself look better?

May 30, 2012

I was really suprised with all the feedback I recieved. Especially against contacting him. Reading some of this stuff was really a much needed slap in the face. I am definatley going to read the recommended books. All I want to do now is better myself.

One of my problems is that I hate turning ppl down and I dont know why. One day at work this married man asked for my phone number (he was above me in rank) and I gave it to me. I had NO interest in this guy but I just feel pressured. I instantly told my husband about it and he was shocked but glad I told him and that way he knew I had no intentions of talking to this guy if he did call me. (the next day I told him it was a mistake)

but that's just an example of how I am.... I hate it... !!

But i am excited and optimistic about bettering myself and learing more about myself.

Thanks

May 30, 2012

Nope. It was his test to see if you would "open" the line of communication.

You shut it down - so now he knows not to try any further...

May 30, 2012

Wwtd

I'm am giving you a high five. Please read the book I recommended, it really makes a lot of sense.

I'm excited for you...you can have a better marriage and being only married for two years gives me hope for you and your husband to live a happy and fulfilling life together.

Best of luck

May 30, 2012

"I totally agree............."

then why did you make contact in the first place, DOUCHEBAG!!!

May 30, 2012

Okay, so no I dont get hit on every day. i didnt mean it litteraly. and most of the time its just some creepy guy giving me the look.

But its ok if its a guy that is attractive and he obviously doesn't care about your wedding vows?

But it is often and for some reason its usually more often by men that are married. I cant say i'm innocent but in MOST cases I do not offer positive body language.

So you DO then admit you offer "positive body language" in SOME cases?

And there is the problem. You send out a vibe, and its totally unacceptable as a married woman. In a sense, you have already betrayed your husband.

And honestly I was left high and dry by my group b/c they went to smoke weed and im not into that. So I shouldve just went back to my room.

Yes you should have.

I meant I had no desire to have a relationship with him, just sexual.

And that makes it all better how?

And I am in NO way blaming my husband for my actions, but just trying to find out why I am the way I am. Which thanks to much of the feedback, I am getting it.

You are the way you are, because, well, you are the way you are. Its that simple. You tested the waters because you wanted to have sex with this guy. Again, you have already been unfaithful to your husband whether you want to believe it or not.

To answer other questions:

I have not told my H and I'm not sure if and when I will but I am planning on talking about our sex life. (which I have brought it up to him several times)

Well if you don't tell him, you'll never have your feet held to the fire and won't be held accountable for your actions, thereby opening up the doors for you to test the waters again.

So I took everyone's advice and ended not calling the OM, but I did reply to his email with One statement " Do not contact me again". and that is all I said. He did reply and said "I totally agree............."

Oh yes, he only totally agrees because you said that. If you said you wanted to meet him, he'd be all for it.

But its good that you told him to not contact you again. Now how are you going to make this disrespect up to your husband?

I did not respond back even though he was probably expecting for me too, and Im not going to. So he is just probably agreeing to make himself look better?

Yup, he just wants to look better. Otherwise he'd be willing to whatever you are willing to do.

May 30, 2012

then why did you make contact in the first place, DOUCHEBAG!!!

Because he got the vibe from her. It works both ways.

May 30, 2012

eh... I didn't say make a habit of it. I suggest she do it once? I guess I didn't realize that practical suggestions would be treated with such narrowminded views.

Foolish of me apparently.

Foolish indeed. First, it wasn't a practical suggestion.

Second, sure, thats the way to forget about him is to think about him more and pleasure herself to visions of them having sex. Ya, thats going to make her want her husband more:rolleyes:

Perhaps if this were some fleeting fantasy, like you suggested earlier about thinking of a celeb or someone that doesn't consume your every thought, it might be different.

But suggesting she fantasize about a guy that she just can forget about? That isn't practical, unless the end result is to get a divorce.

May 30, 2012

He emailed me at work and he wants me to call him. Should I call him to tell him to leave me alone our just ignore him? I don't want to email anything because its a work email and anyone can see

Seriously? You have to ask? I know you didn't, but the fact that you would even consider screams that you're going to cheat eventually. Unless you get some counseling on it to find out why you do such things as this and your previous lack of concern for other people.

Edited May 30, 2012 by turnera

May 30, 2012

As for your husband, get this book and give it to him. Tell him you want, expect, him to participate:

Amazon.com: 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex (9780962962899): Laura Corn: Books

And be honest with him about why. Tell him that if he doesn't start taking more interest, you'll be more vulnerable for another guy in the future. You want your husband to get to you the way that guy did. He needs to hear it.

May 30, 2012

As for your husband, get this book and give it to him. Tell him you want, expect, him to participate:
Amazon.com: 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex (9780962962899): Laura Corn: Books

And be honest with him about why. Tell him that if he doesn't start taking more interest, you'll be more vulnerable for another guy in the future. You want your husband to get to you the way that guy did. He needs to hear it.

I like your suggestion and do know they need to work on the marriage.

But unless her husband is a spineless lapdog, the bolded part will not be well received.

If I was married again and a wife told me she just might cheat if things don't go exactly how she expects, I'd tell her to GTFO. I'll work on a relationship, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be emotionally blackmailed.

May 31, 2012

I like your suggestion and do know they need to work on the marriage.

But unless her husband is a spineless lapdog, the bolded part will not be well received.

If I was married again and a wife told me she just might cheat if things don't go exactly how she expects, I'd tell her to GTFO. I'll work on a relationship, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be emotionally blackmailed.

I think it's all in the way it is phrased. I sincerely doubt the OP would even consider blackmailing her H. It's just a tough conversation to have. For her, I think straight honesty will work wonders. She can say that for the first time in her life, she found herself entertaining the thought of someone else. She shut it down and did so with some fervor. That said, it made her realize that what's going on (or not going on) is having more of an impact than she ever expected and that she wants to do whatever is necessary to keep an honest, open and faithful relationship with her husband. Can we please talk about this in marriage counseling?

Marriage is hard. And it has to be nourished or it dies. No blackmail. Just honest and open communication with the intent of preserving a marriage in the face of so many failed ones. It takes an extra effort and this was a wake-up call for the OP and should be for the H, too.

May 31, 2012

I like your suggestion and do know they need to work on the marriage.

But unless her husband is a spineless lapdog, the bolded part will not be well received.

If I was married again and a wife told me she just might cheat if things don't go exactly how she expects, I'd tell her to GTFO. I'll work on a relationship, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be emotionally blackmailed.

Come on, you know what I mean. They need to have honest, open conversations about the state of their marriage.

May 31, 2012

Come on, you know what I mean. They need to have honest, open conversations about the state of their marriage.

You said she needs to tell him that if he doesn't do as she expects, she just might cheat. That is basically what you are saying she needs to tell him. You used different wording, but its all the same.

You also said he needs to be told that he needs to be like this other man. Again, that isn't going to be well received unless he is a doormat.

You said, "he needs to hear this". So what does she need to hear from him as far as his expectations? How about, "ok, I'll do better, but you stay home from now on and act like a wife?"

Edited May 31, 2012 by nofool4u

May 31, 2012

I was really suprised with all the feedback I recieved. Especially against contacting him. Reading some of this stuff was really a much needed slap in the face. I am definatley going to read the recommended books. All I want to do now is better myself.

One of my problems is that I hate turning ppl down and I dont know why. One day at work this married man asked for my phone number (he was above me in rank) and I gave it to me. I had NO interest in this guy but I just feel pressured. I instantly told my husband about it and he was shocked but glad I told him and that way he knew I had no intentions of talking to this guy if he did call me. (the next day I told him it was a mistake)

but that's just an example of how I am.... I hate it... !!

But i am excited and optimistic about bettering myself and learing more about myself.

Thanks

By participating in ALLOWING someone - anyone - to have your number - is an invitation for that person to contact you!

By saying no - it sends a clear message that you don't intend to take their calls.

If its business - tell them to call your business number.

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Having unwanted emotions.

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