wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I have been married for two years and I love my husband sooo much. Before I married, in past relationships I was never "committed" mainly b/c I never cared about the ppl I was with. I did whatever I wanted do. Now that I am happily married, I devoted myself to him and havent had any issues. Recently I had to stay out of town for work and I met this man that was attracted to me. (first of all let me say that I have to reject men on a day to day basis, and it never phases me, part of being an attractive women). He realized I was married and he told me he was engaged. the next night as a group we had a few drinks and the group ended up seperating leaving the two of us alone. (we were hanging out outside).Now im no idiot and I could quickly tell that this man had more intentions with me than to just socialize, so I quickly told him that I am happily married and that I am not going to do anything with him. He was shocked that I rejected him before he even did anything (what he did was touch my leg with his leg under a table and just kinda "hung" around me) and he apoligized and said he respected that. Well even though i acted as I should've for some unexplainable reason, I am so sexually attracted to him. After I went to my room that night, i kept thinking about him and how I really wanted to be with him.(im sure the alchohol was talking too). The next day we talked again and he knew at this point that I was attracted to him. I was no longer drunk at this point but I was still "sexually attracted" to him. I have no desire to be with the guy but I really wanted to sleep with him. As we parted ways he told me that he will leave me alone and if i ever want to get in touch with him I can call him first. Well its been a few days since ive been home and I know that I will never call him. (i have ZERO intentions of cheating on my husband). The problem is that I cant stop thinking about it and Im not sure why. Its driving me crazy. I tried taking it out on my husband but he hasnt been "in the mood". That may be why I am so attracted to this other guy? Me and my husband have sex about twice a month.The sex is almost always great, but the one thing I miss is feeling sexy. This other guy made me feel so sexy and the way he looked at me was so arousing. This guy told me that if we hooked up he would even keep his pants on and just wants to please me. My husband wants me to enjoy sex but he is so lazy in bed. When we do have sex he just asks me if I want to and If im just laying there im not usually in the mood. I guess I want him to take more initiation and to actually turn me on by making me feel sexy and "foreplay". So my main question is why do I have these feelings towards this other man? Is this normal?
Artie Lang Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) he made you feel "sexy," again.....something that your husband has been shunning lately. your best bet is to stay clear away from him. another thing. by the way you've described him, this is NOT his first time doing this. believe me when i tell you this scumbag has priors. you'll just be another conquest for him, especially if you're as "attractive" as you say you are. if you want to be just another notch on his belt, then go right ahead with it.....if you think so low of yourself, that is. Edited May 26, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Artie, I know men very well and their intentions. I even asked him if he has cheated on his fiancee before and he didnt answer. So of course he has. Typicallly I look at men like him with disgust. I don't know why I dont feel this way towards him. aasdf, maybe it doesnt have anything to do with my husband. And I completely agree about the fact that I shouldve cut it off earlier. Honestly, in the begining I was interested in this guys "philosophy". (i saw him praying before his lunch and this behaviour just didnt match). I like screwing with ppl's minds. I am a very logical person and I was confident in myself not caring about this man. That is the reason I didnt cut it off. But now that I did have these feelings really pisses me off b/c now i have to be extra precautious with myself. I am sure not having boundaries previously does make this much harder for myself and I used to get mad at my husband for saying "once a cheater always a cheater" So, if i just completely ignore this guy, should my attraction to him go away? Or is this just something I have to deal with? I DONT LIKE IT. I really appreciate the feedback. Just reading these things is giving me a much needed "reality check"
Furious Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 It's great that you're reaching out for feedback. I highly recommend a great book to read by Shirley P. Glass, the title is called Not Just Friends.
Author wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Why? What does it do for you? Does it make you feel superior? You say he makes you feel sexy and you like to mess with people. It appears you are gaining something of worth to you from outside sources that you cannot generate from within. It appears that your payoffs will need to include more and more a crossing of boundaries. My entire life I have always been intrigued into "watching" people. I love to observe others. I should've been a sociologist. I like to understand why ppl do the things they do. In this guys case, I would like to understand his "religious outlook". I am an atheist and interested in all types of religions. Why would he publicly pray and then immediately try to cheat on his fiancee? I guess it proves to me that there is no God. I guess I wish ppl would just think about why they do things and why they believe in things so maybe they would understand themselves more.
Author wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 If that is all it took for your belief in the lack of God to confirm that ....you could have done that with anything...like your willingness to engage in this "thing" that makes you come here seeking answers. But that is another topic for another thread. You didn't say you like to observe others, you said you like to mess with their heads...that says something entirely different to me. And just for the record..many of us know why we believe in God in spite of our inability to live like him for any extended period of time. bentnotbroken, I am struggling with religion right now... but as you said that is an entirely different topic. and the best way to observe someone is to mess with thier head.... I guess it backfired since I let him mess with mine. Thanks everyone, Im feeling much better and I realize I couldve prevented this. Im just VERY glad that I was thinking about my husband and that kept me out of a could of been very bad situation.
Author wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 he made you feel "sexy," again.....something that your husband has been shunning lately. your best bet is to stay clear away from him. another thing. by the way you've described him, this is NOT his first time doing this. believe me when i tell you this scumbag has priors. you'll just be another conquest for him, especially if you're as "attractive" as you say you are. if you want to be just another notch on his belt, then go right ahead with it.....if you think so low of yourself, that is. Artie, you saying that has really helped. I used to think very low of myself, but I know I am better than that. Thanks.
Artie Lang Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 ^just telling it like it is. i saw him praying before his lunch and this behaviour just didnt match doesn't seem very pious to me, considering it was obvious he was trying to get you in the sack.
Author wwtd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 hah, never thought of it like that. that would be some screwed up reasoning.. he first has to assume i'm a christian then hope I'm an unloyal christian.. very interesting.
wellwhynot Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 You obviously don't WANT to get involved with this guy, so I'm going to be ridiculously blunt. Take it how you want...I simply mean it as practical advice. If you can't get him out of your head, and have no desire to be near him, go take an hour and fantasize about him while you masturbate. Chances are you'll never think of him again and you'll probably be way better at addressing your own needs than someone that is that much of an operator would be anyway.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I have been married for two years and I love my husband sooo much. Before I married, in past relationships I was never "committed" mainly b/c I never cared about the ppl I was with. I did whatever I wanted do. Now that I am happily married, I devoted myself to him and havent had any issues. Recently I had to stay out of town for work and I met this man that was attracted to me. (first of all let me say that I have to reject men on a day to day basis, and it never phases me, part of being an attractive women). He realized I was married and he told me he was engaged. the next night as a group we had a few drinks and the group ended up seperating leaving the two of us alone. (we were hanging out outside).Now im no idiot and I could quickly tell that this man had more intentions with me than to just socialize, so I quickly told him that I am happily married and that I am not going to do anything with him. He was shocked that I rejected him before he even did anything (what he did was touch my leg with his leg under a table and just kinda "hung" around me) and he apoligized and said he respected that. Well even though i acted as I should've for some unexplainable reason, I am so sexually attracted to him. After I went to my room that night, i kept thinking about him and how I really wanted to be with him.(im sure the alchohol was talking too). The next day we talked again and he knew at this point that I was attracted to him. I was no longer drunk at this point but I was still "sexually attracted" to him. I have no desire to be with the guy but I really wanted to sleep with him. As we parted ways he told me that he will leave me alone and if i ever want to get in touch with him I can call him first. Well its been a few days since ive been home and I know that I will never call him. (i have ZERO intentions of cheating on my husband). The problem is that I cant stop thinking about it and Im not sure why. Its driving me crazy. I tried taking it out on my husband but he hasnt been "in the mood". That may be why I am so attracted to this other guy? Me and my husband have sex about twice a month.The sex is almost always great, but the one thing I miss is feeling sexy. This other guy made me feel so sexy and the way he looked at me was so arousing. This guy told me that if we hooked up he would even keep his pants on and just wants to please me. My husband wants me to enjoy sex but he is so lazy in bed. When we do have sex he just asks me if I want to and If im just laying there im not usually in the mood. I guess I want him to take more initiation and to actually turn me on by making me feel sexy and "foreplay". So my main question is why do I have these feelings towards this other man? Is this normal? Ego stroke. When you're attracted to someone and then know they are attracted to you as well, knowing you can't ever have them makes you want them more. Don't over analyze this okay. This is total biology and chemical attraction, animalistic. You are letting yourself get caught up in the fantasy of what YOU think and HOW you think the sex and foreplay will be. Make yourself just stop thinking and fantasizing him..You're feeding the attraction and also (could?) make yourself attached to him on an emotional level too. Focus that energy into your husband and go out on a date. DO NOT ever act upon what you are feeling with the other guy. Unless you want to ruin what you have with your husband and go against your vows, change your whole life.. All for what? Sexual lust? No, don't go there.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Artie, I know men very well and their intentions. I even asked him if he has cheated on his fiancee before and he didnt answer. So of course he has. Typicallly I look at men like him with disgust. I don't know why I dont feel this way towards him. aasdf, maybe it doesnt have anything to do with my husband. And I completely agree about the fact that I shouldve cut it off earlier. Honestly, in the begining I was interested in this guys "philosophy". (i saw him praying before his lunch and this behaviour just didnt match). I like screwing with ppl's minds. I am a very logical person and I was confident in myself not caring about this man. That is the reason I didnt cut it off. But now that I did have these feelings really pisses me off b/c now i have to be extra precautious with myself. I am sure not having boundaries previously does make this much harder for myself and I used to get mad at my husband for saying "once a cheater always a cheater" So, if i just completely ignore this guy, should my attraction to him go away? Or is this just something I have to deal with? I DONT LIKE IT. I really appreciate the feedback. Just reading these things is giving me a much needed "reality check" You just don't let yourself think of him in that way or allow yourself to get caught up in how he turns you on. it's great to feel sexy and desired by others, a great ego feed in a healthy way. But when you need it to feel good about yourself or it intefers in your marriage, lusting after someone you can't have isn't good at all. The guy is scummy and if you wanted to, he would do you for sure! Don't get caught up in the fantasy and feed this into something more. Detach and don't ever let him know how you feel inside as that will just keep him onto you.
Artie Lang Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 go take an hour and fantasize about him while you masturbate. ummm.....okaaay???
BetrayedH Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) I think it is great that you are here. You've likely dodged a bullet. The book is a great suggestion. I think it should be required reading. Be wary of suddenly reevaluating your marriage because of this attraction. It is very common for someone to mentally justify cheating because, gosh, if I am so attracted to someone else, I must be unhappy with my marriage. You know, now that I think about it, I've been unhappy for years. It's called rewriting your marital history and it happens all the time. Of course, anything with this OM would probably be fantastic, considering you don't have to argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes or any other such real-life problem. That fantasy also sucks people in big time. But my other point I wanted to make DOES have to do with your husband. After a year of reading this stuff daily, it is clear that many affairs beyin with some component of unresolved resentment that has occurred during the marriage. There may be some truth to your sexual needs not being met. Welcome to a normal marriage. The key is to ADDRESS IT. It is really hard to do but when you just suck it up on something that bothers you (whatever it might be), you eventually develop resentment and that manifests itself in a much less controlled way than if you deal with it early and head-on. This is another way affairs begin. It is HARD to be that honest. I encourage you to talk very openly with your husband about this entire incident and your interest in him taking you. Let this go too long without being resolved and I bet you find yourself interested in yet someone else (and again thinking how you have been unhappy for years). See the pattern? When you get these temptations, your choices are (1) Address your marital problems (2) Divorce (3) Cheat. I'm very glad you have made the right choice. Now go and do the hard part. Edited May 27, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
wellwhynot Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 ummm.....okaaay??? Are you telling me you've never thought about someone besides your spouse or girlfriend while you did? Really? I highly doubt that. Never thought about a celebrity or some random girl you happened to think was hot? My point was... if for some reason she has him stuck in her head and her fantasy keeps drifting there, then actively thinking about it is going to have one of two likely scenarios, most likely she's goign to start to think about and either feel awkward and that will kill it because she knows she doesn't really want him or she's gonna have a quickie with herself and never think about him again because she doesn't really want him... and if nothing else, she already said her sexual needs weren't being met, so meeting her own needs will at least get rid of that urge for her. It was a practical solution. I was unaware that apparently even thinking is now cheating... seriously everyone else gave her the same carbon copy advice. The fact is.,. I offered an alternative solution. It's not like I told her to go pretend her husband is him did I? Which certainly COULD happen if she doesn't get the thought of him out of her mind or said she shoudl go have sex with him.. I said have a little imagaination time in her head.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 she has him stuck in her head and her fantasy keeps drifting there, then actively thinking about it is going to have one of two likely scenarios, most likely she's goign to start to think about and either feel awkward and that will kill it because she knows she doesn't really want him or she's gonna have a quickie with herself and never think about him again because she doesn't really want him... and if nothing else, she already said her sexual needs weren't being met, so meeting her own needs will at least get rid of that urge for her. Or third option, she gets used to fantasizing and day dreaming about him and it feeds her attraction towards him. It becomes a habit. It won't make her feel that awkward around him since he is flirty with her, if anything it'll just feed both of their ego's and be a dangerous situation where saying NO could be difficult if they are alone somewhere together. 1
wellwhynot Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Or third option, she gets used to fantasizing and day dreaming about him and it feeds her attraction towards him. It becomes a habit. It won't make her feel that awkward around him since he is flirty with her, if anything it'll just feed both of their ego's and be a dangerous situation where saying NO could be difficult if they are alone somewhere together. eh... I didn't say make a habit of it. I suggest she do it once? I guess I didn't realize that practical suggestions would be treated with such narrowminded views. Foolish of me apparently. Edited May 27, 2012 by wellwhynot
Artie Lang Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 a buddy's wife or GF-- NEVER! seriously. i know how to tune that out. some of us can, you know. an aquaintance's GF or wife.....ummm, maybe. a celeb-- yes.
wellwhynot Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 a buddy's wife or GF-- NEVER! seriously. i know how to tune that out. some of us can, you know. an aquaintance's GF or wife.....ummm, maybe. a celeb-- yes. She didn't say it was a buddy's husband or boyfriend, or really anyone that I was under the impression she was ever going to even see again. If I missed additional information in a different thread then I may have given a different response. Frankly I just thought we were all adults here and something other than a repeat of everyone else's response was warranted.
Author wwtd Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 is there a reason you have his contact? Well he took my phone out of my purse when we were at dinner and took my number then put his number in my phone. ... And the fact that we work for the same company, contact info is easy.. (different office fortuantely) And to answer others questions, this was the first time I have met him and will likely not meet him again except the occasional work conference if that.
Author wwtd Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I think it is great that you are here. You've likely dodged a bullet. The book is a great suggestion. I think it should be required reading. Be wary of suddenly reevaluating your marriage because of this attraction. It is very common for someone to mentally justify cheating because, gosh, if I am so attracted to someone else, I must be unhappy with my marriage. You know, now that I think about it, I've been unhappy for years. It's called rewriting your marital history and it happens all the time. Of course, anything with this OM would probably be fantastic, considering you don't have to argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes or any other such real-life problem. That fantasy also sucks people in big time. But my other point I wanted to make DOES have to do with your husband. After a year of reading this stuff daily, it is clear that many affairs beyin with some component of unresolved resentment that has occurred during the marriage. There may be some truth to your sexual needs not being met. Welcome to a normal marriage. The key is to ADDRESS IT. It is really hard to do but when you just suck it up on something that bothers you (whatever it might be), you eventually develop resentment and that manifests itself in a much less controlled way than if you deal with it early and head-on. This is another way affairs begin. It is HARD to be that honest. I encourage you to talk very openly with your husband about this entire incident and your interest in him taking you. Let this go too long without being resolved and I bet you find yourself interested in yet someone else (and again thinking how you have been unhappy for years). See the pattern? When you get these temptations, your choices are (1) Address your marital problems (2) Divorce (3) Cheat. I'm very glad you have made the right choice. Now go and do the hard part. Wow, you really hit the nail on the head... I did start analyzing my marriage which is ridiculous because I LOVE MY MARRIAGE! I was somehow how letting this incident to mean way more than it is. Me and my husband are best friends. and Yes i do need to talk with him more about our sex life, but I do bring it up from time to time, and he really does feel bad about the things I bring up, but I think he must have some underlying issues of his own and I feel bad to punish him for that. but i still get frustrated sexually with him. I can masturbate all I want but for a woman atleast its not just about the sexual feelings its about feeling wanted and needed sexually from my husband. Im not always in the mood for sex but I am always in the mood for his attention. I am a young women (in 20's), im athletic and told by many men that Im gorgeous, but when I walk around the house in lingerie he hardly notices (and I dont do it that often b/c I feel silly from lack of attention) and when I start kissing on his body and grabbing his d*** he may just turn the other way or grab my hand and say later. ....frustrated.
Author wwtd Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 You obviously don't WANT to get involved with this guy, so I'm going to be ridiculously blunt. Take it how you want...I simply mean it as practical advice. If you can't get him out of your head, and have no desire to be near him, go take an hour and fantasize about him while you masturbate. Chances are you'll never think of him again and you'll probably be way better at addressing your own needs than someone that is that much of an operator would be anyway. Thanks for the tip, but I dont think this method would work for me b/c (as a woman) I dont really fantasize about ppl when I masturbate. I dont need that visual stimulation like men do. When I do need something visual i imagine myself being f***** but I dont imagine it being a particular person or body style or anything like that. I just imagine the movements etc... and I also agree with the "third option" that was given, if I actually could imagine him while I masturbate, it may make it worse b/c then my fantasy actually seems more realistic. But I do appreciate your suggestion.
Just_A_Poster Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Me and my husband have sex about twice a month.The sex is almost always great, but the one thing I miss is feeling sexy. My husband wants me to enjoy sex but he is so lazy in bed. When we do have sex he just asks me if I want to and If im just laying there im not usually in the mood. I guess I want him to take more initiation and to actually turn me on by making me feel sexy and "foreplay". Well I'm confused. One moment, you say you don't have sex with your husband very much but when you do, it's usually "great." Then a few seconds later you say your husband is 'lazy' in bed, and he just says, "do you wanna do it?" when he wants some action, and that you wish he'd engage in foreplay (the sentence you typed doesn't read correctly so I THINK that's what you're trying to say). I don't know, but I wouldn't equate a lazy man in bed who can't be bothered with foreplay to "great sex" at all. It sounds like you get a quickie twice a month with him. Yuck. No wonder it's got you fantasizing about someone else. Fantasies are fine as long as you don't cross the line.
BetrayedH Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Wow, you really hit the nail on the head... I did start analyzing my marriage which is ridiculous because I LOVE MY MARRIAGE! I was somehow how letting this incident to mean way more than it is. Me and my husband are best friends. and Yes i do need to talk with him more about our sex life, but I do bring it up from time to time, and he really does feel bad about the things I bring up, but I think he must have some underlying issues of his own and I feel bad to punish him for that. but i still get frustrated sexually with him. I can masturbate all I want but for a woman atleast its not just about the sexual feelings its about feeling wanted and needed sexually from my husband. Im not always in the mood for sex but I am always in the mood for his attention. I am a young women (in 20's), im athletic and told by many men that Im gorgeous, but when I walk around the house in lingerie he hardly notices (and I dont do it that often b/c I feel silly from lack of attention) and when I start kissing on his body and grabbing his d*** he may just turn the other way or grab my hand and say later. ....frustrated. I think you have found what you need to resolve. This is bothering you and won't go away. I suffered through with a frigid wife for many years. I never found a solution and just sucked it up. Then SHE had an affair. I was shocked. I had stayed faithful thru a virtually sexless marriage (sometimes months at a time) to discover that she had a year-long affair. What I do know is that you MUST resolve these things. Now I discuss anything that I feel uncomfortable about immediately. My SO (different woman) does the same. We're committed to honesty. We have both learned about unresolved resentment and that it will kill a relationship. If I may ask, so what are you going to do? My guts is to suggest marriage counseling (a safe place to share) or even a sex therapist. Your H needs to know that this is a significant issue and I bet you will see him make a change. He will likely do anything for you if he knows what is on the line.
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