ash11ae Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I'm feeling very confused and lost right now. Everyone's been very helpful in regards to what happened with my ex-boyfriend (leading me on for the last 5 months while he dated someone else). And a lot of people have asserted that he is wrong and that I deserve better and should be angry. While I know that what he did was wrong, and there is no excuse for toying with someone's emotions, I guess I just need help sorting things out. My ex got mad because I showed him the responses I was getting from this, and he said I left out his side of the story, which is that after we broke up, I pushed him away for months though he kept pursuing me. And this is true. I was emotionally distanced because he was the only person I'd been with since the death of my boyfriend, and we'd had a few things happen that made me scared of him a little bit, scared to trust, worried I couldn't count on him. I didn't want to have the rug pulled out from under me again. And he was pretty pushy about things sometimes. Which, looking back now, maybe I should have appreciated because he was trying to push me toward better things. I guess I feel like I'm blaming myself for what happened. This ex-flame of his that he's dating now calls him and talks to him on the phone for an hour about how his day went and other pleasant things, and the only time we talk it's to discuss "what to do" or "what went wrong" or "how to fix it." I'm tired of talking about those things too. But I'm also so upset because I feel like I didn't have the chance to call him and talk to him and be happy and carefree the way she is. The reason it's so easy for her to be like that is because apparently she hasn't invested as much in him as I have; because to her, she is the only one and she doesn't have to worry about other women or lies or anything like that. Life is easy for her. And he forgets that I was like that once, before he hurt me... I don't blame him for loving her, and not me... but I am angry that he led me on for nearly half a year... that he made me fall for him again when he had no intention of catching me... I want a second chance, and I'm devastated that I won't get one; but then I'm also confused because judging by what's happened, I feel like I shouldn't want one. He slept with another woman and then told me how he missed making love to me. He told me he had no reception in a cabin all weekend and while I was sitting at home thinking of him and wanting to talk to him, he was cuddling up with another girl. These things are wrong. And he says I hurt him so badly by pushing him away, but he doesn't understand how much WORSE it feels to be lied to and used and tossed aside for someone else. I never did that to him. So I guess my question is, what kinds of feelings should I be having now? Should I be angry at him? Should I be more forgiving, and try to see how my actions have led us down this path? Should I try to be friends with him? He says that is what he wants. Or should I cut ties altogether? I can't help but think that I am just going to continue hoping that things with this girl don't work out and he'll want me again, and I know that's wrong... I want what's best for him, and she seems to be what's best for him, in some ways. In other ways I feel like I am. I don't know what to do. And I feel even more stupid for asking what I should do because I know in my heart there's nothing I CAN do, that I've lost him already, that it's over and I just need to accept it...
Author ash11ae Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Oh, and the other thing that is confusing for me is that he says he hasn't been pretending to be in love with me for the last 5 months... that he still wanted to be with me and was hoping things would change. But then I don't know if that's true because last month he wrote here that he was in it for the long haul with her... so am I just being a fool? Or is he just as emotionally messed up as I am? She grabbed his hand only the second time they hung out together... and a month in they slept together, or at least tried to, but changed their minds, and nothing's happened since. They see each other once a week at most and talk on the phone. He wants more than that. He wants a partner, a companion, someone who wants to see him and talk to him all the time and will show him affection and be his and commit to him. He says whenever he tries to have more time with this woman, she usually has an excuse. She won't sleep with him or let him touch her again, claiming she does not want to get pregnant after she had an unplanned child with special needs 7 years ago... but there are ways not to get pregnant. He asked if he could keep her forever and she said no one keeps anyone forever, and I think that hurt him. I know her feelings for him are none of my business. But I guess I'm just looking at it in the light of - ok, yes he is in love with her and he's wanted that with her, but he's also been in love with me, and I want that with him, and she isn't giving him any promises of anything, and all I want is the same thing he does. But does that make it right? Even if she doesn't love him the way he loves her, does it matter? Because he doesn't love me that way anymore, does he?
jennisfora Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 i would cut him out of your life. he is with another girl, as long as he thinks you are waiting in the wings, and can't lose you, he will take you for granted, and will stop you from healing. you need to heal, if down the road, you think you can handle being friends without wanting more, you can reach out. for now, i think it is bad for you, and will not bring him closer to you. longer you stay in contact the more the pain will last. plus, he has no reason to break up with the new girl if he can string you along and stay with her. let him go, if he grows up, you never know, just don't count on it, and don't get your hopes up. take care of yourself right now, don't worry about him if you can avoid it. trust me, he is thinking of himself, and not your feelings. you need to think of yourself too, otherwise you will suffer. *hugs*
Author ash11ae Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 You are probably right. He has been taking me for granted for months now. I have been there for him whenever she did not want to be. I don't want to believe that he would plot to hurt me like this... though I know, the way everything looks, he went to a lot of trouble to maintain appearances... It's strange how he fought so hard to convince me for months that he really loved and wanted to be with me (I questioned it all the time), but now that I know the truth, he is so blunt about wanting her and not me. He's not even trying to convince me that there's a chance. It makes me wonder why he couldn't have said that from the start. Especially as many times as I tried to let him go, for his sake, and tell him that if being with her made him happy, he should do it... I just hate the idea of losing him and not having him in my life anymore.
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