Els Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Can't comment for sure, but if they're in an Iranian culture it -could- make sense for academic institutions to be that anal about such stuff. Some universities back where I come from forbade public dating (though they didn't say you couldn't announce your SO, just that there could be no holding hands in public, etc). EVEN if that were true, though, whole lot wrong with this scenario still. He could have told his friends no. Could have invited her to the party without making their relationship overt. Etc.
FitChick Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Whenever he gets whatever he is supposed to get and doesn't go public with your relationship, if I were you, I'd start telling everyone. That way if he has been screwing someone else all this time, she'll know what a creep he is and dump him. So he'll be left with no one. Since his mentor is male (I think you said that), I wonder if your boyfriend is bisexual, not uncommon in the Middle East, according to an Egyptian friend of mine. Yes, there is something very odd about this man and his situation.
Sid6.7 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Whenever he gets whatever he is supposed to get and doesn't go public with your relationship, if I were you, I'd start telling everyone. That way if he has been screwing someone else all this time, she'll know what a creep he is and dump him. So he'll be left with no one. Good thing she's not you. This is borderline absurd. OP, in my opinion this type of devious behavior suggested will do nothing more than alienate him away even further. I wouldn't suggest it.
Author dollface07 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) hehe yes the old me would have done some major dramatic antic as fitchick suggested even going beyond that. i've since been reformed thanks to quick acting karma and also with tremendous emotional toil and work on myself on emotional regulation. that is why the Medicine Buddha Mantra will be enough to get me through any disappointment that may arise in June regarding the current relationship the good sign though is that he made constant eye contact during our intimate moments so at least he's not freaking out over intimacy no matter what happens it's all gonna be okay. all i know is in order to fashion a life worth living, risks must be taken while finding a healthy balance between giving someone the benefit of the doubt as they gradually reveal who they are over time as well as keeping the heart at a healthy distance/setting limits to be interpersonally effective...i found that no matter what ultimately happens, this relationship has so far acted as a catalyst to encourage me to take better care of myself and learn new ways of cooking and also this beautiful feeling of being authentic about my feelings toward another person i never believed i could do this after having been burnt so badly by my ex neurologist guy so the fact that i am even at a place to be disappointed or hurt by another is a huge step for me my heart felt dead for so long so at least this experience helps me know im capable of loving again and again...it's so true what all i've been reading over the years written in the coping threads of LS about time really being the thing that heals...while i would strongly prefer we go public in June, i am not going to be devastated if he crosses the limit i've established about me having to move on from this relationship if he doesnt follow through from his side. im just so grateful that my heart isnt damaged for life and that no matter what with time happiness can come again...thank you all everyone for reading and also supporting me through this growing process Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending Edited May 27, 2012 by dollface07
Author dollface07 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 "Whenever he gets whatever he is supposed to get and doesn't go public with your relationship..." i've already articulated and established my limit with him, he knows that i will walk and never ever look back if this occurs. i will not do a slash and burn policy with him b/c if this were to happen it could be that his intention was to go public and then over the months together he may have simply changed his mind. i dont want to be destructive and also i have my own academic life to take care of so that's why i said i would consider it sunk costs and simply move forward with my dignity in tact as well as peace of mind. thank you for your suggestions though b/c they really did help to keep me grounded and realistic about the very real possibly of what just might happen in a couple of weeks. i do appreciate your taking the time to comment!
Author dollface07 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) You're still with this jerk? Wow he really has you wrapped around his finger. He gives you the least bit of attention he can muster (why didn't he tell his friends NO that he had plans?!) and you go out of your way to lavish him with gifts and food. I bet you anything once June comes around (just a week!) there will be some new reason you have to remain a secret. He'll have some other reason to push back "going public". I cannot believe you are dating someone who keeps you a secret. Do the other people in his program not date? Why couldn't he invite you to the party as a FRIEND even? Obviously he's allowed to have THOSE. There was a "new reason" that reason was that he promised to go public on a "condition" that he presented to the committee...well that date got pushed later b/c of reasons beyond his control related to working on his adviser's project instead of his own. Long story short: his NON-academically related uncle came into town from abroad for 2 days...that was my now ex-bf's window of opportunity to introduce me to a member of his family/personal life--especially given the going public by the end of June Fiasco I wrote about this in another thread called going public in the general relationship part of the forum i just dont know how to insert a hyperlink to that LOL may this will suffice http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/331864-going-public . He instead though it would be better to simply tell me he didn't introduce us b/c he thought it wold be better to do it at a "better time" and also back in May he told me he didn't introduce me to his colleagues/friends in the academic community b/c he preferred to do it at the "right time" and in a "good way" and he repeats the i am the "best girl" for him. On all fronts, by his actions, he has made it clear (despite his words, gifts and attempts to silence me with money) that he is not ready for someone like me to be in his life. The old me would have just taken the money and shut up about things as a trade off, the new me accepts being alone with the only win-win trade off being preservation of my dignity...gotta love therapy. I am over it...he dropped the ball, so I dropped him. Now he's behaving obsessively. Edited July 3, 2012 by dollface07
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 No darling d'Arthez, it's that he cannot have the academic community knowing he's in a serious relationship (im also keeping it secret from my academic adviser/and dean sigh) they expect you to be 100% dedicated with no life...or any distractions. Umm, what? I've never heard of an "academic community" that required people to be single. How bizarre. Which country do you live in, if you don't mind me asking?
KatZee Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 No darling d'Arthez, it's that he cannot have the academic community knowing he's in a serious relationship (im also keeping it secret from my academic adviser/and dean sigh) they expect you to be 100% dedicated with no life...or any distractions. he doesnt want his mentor to discover his relationship until after he's successfully presented. i respect that but i dont like how little respect he is displaying toward me. he said b/c im closest to him that why he felt it would be okay to reschedule this birthday dinner but i see it as it is precisely b/c i am closest to him that he should have protected the way in advance evening we had both agreed to have together and spend days and days preparing for to surprise him b/c of how very hard he's been working i learnt and cooked two of his favorite meals got him a small bday cake designed a special card with special words designed a lovely gift designed a special bday cake plate got my hair done put on full makeup cute outfit and he just left me at home and went off to his party with me all made up like that it was crushing, traumatizing even, i feel abandoned somehow--he doesnt deserve me Look at all you do for him... and he reciprocates nothing. He's even controlling the sex/physical aspect, and he's going VERY far out of his way to keep you a little hidden secret from his friends, and his life in general. Why do you think you deserve this? He will never be yours no matter how much you bend to his will. You will never be introduced to his friends, or his family. You are just a guilty pleasure on the side, and I can't for the life of me understand why this is acceptable to you. I'm almost positive there are others, or a long term girlfriend, or wife in the picture. Guys don't go so far out of their way to hide you, it's for a reason. Please stop giving him all of you. He deserves none of it. Walk away and never look back. 1
FitChick Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Is this guy from India? Perhaps he got married as a child or his parents have arranged a marriage for him in the near future.
veggirl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Sorry to hear that dollface hope you are able to cut him out of your life completely! What a jerk. You absolutely deserve better, glad that you realize that 1
Author dollface07 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 in any case, he called again tonight and i told him nothing has changed in my heart that i do not miss him and that i am tired even though he is not tired i am tired b/c i gave 90% while he gave only 10% he said he missed me and i said if i were in your shoes i would miss me too...he said we should at least try i said i trust that when it is "the right time" and everything is in the "good way" then I trust he will call me on that day. i repeated that something in my heart changed after the non going public in june thing occurred in addition to the final blow of the not introducing me to his uncle...he is frustrated and unhappy and i could hear him breathing/sighing loudly over the phone...but i ended the conversation and said good night b/c unless he can give 50% my heart wont change i've told him all of this it is what it is...it's unfortunate to be so harsh and have to tell someone directly that you dont miss them...but my resolve is so strong about this matter i dont have anything left to give after consistently give 90% for the past half year...when i see his name on my phone i feel dread not anticipation and heart flutters...it is b/c he betrayed me with his words being inconsistent with his actions. sigh so selfish
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