dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 so i've been on my best behavior no complaints about our relationship being a secret until June. I finally agreed to his terms and conditions and whole heatedly accepted them But... He was doing well by always sticking to his word if we had a date no matter how busy he would make it on time. However, I asked him 2 weeks in advance to spend his birthday evening together (I was going to surprise him with gifts and his favorite labor intensive to prepare meal) earlier this week he called me excited and said we'd be seeing each other soon (his birthday was last night) last night he called me to his car and when I sat in his car he told me if we could reschedule it until tomorrow WHILE his gifts/card was in my hand....... he said his friends (the one we are not going public in front of) surprised him and he tried to give me a choice but i simply gave him all the food and gifts and after a half hour discussion and a few tears on my part I told him to just go be with them...i stayed in shock until this morning. as i left his car he said he wont eat it until we are together tomorrow. i said we will see what happens tomorrow. please help LS members i dont know how you can help at this point b/c i was working on being vulnerable and patient and i feel this is he how repays me on my "best behavior" please help
d'Arthez Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 That is really appalling behavior from your boyfriend. Any reason why he keeps you secret? Are you sure there is not another semi-secret lover involved?
carhill Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Combined with the no sex for 80 days thread, I'd say this guy has another lady somewhere. This sort of perspective is pretty alien to my culture but perhaps is normal in yours. Care to identify cultural background and norms? 1
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 He's Iranian/not religious at all I was raised catholic in the US (my father's family is from cordoba, spain), but lived overseas (middle east) many many years. He speaks farsi, I speak arabic. I've never had an American b/f b/c he was not Arab I considered myself lucky since he is more gentle w/me and more equal in comparison to other men I was accustomed to, but now it appears that he's just a milder form of emotional abuse I will speak to the therapist this wednesday but i came on LS to hold me over until i can meet with him sigh (my therapist is black and from the south eastern part of the US so maybe his advice about me being emotionally vulnerable would be respected if i was being applied to an american man that's why my current bf is actually taking my being vulnerable for granted...) i was thinking to eat with him peacefully today and not make an issue out of any of this and wait until June to see how this is all going to resolve itself if/when we do go public. he is not cheating on me, he is a workaholic, but the fact that we are not having a sexual relationship has drastically reduced emotional intimacy in this relationship. he doesnt want to be distracted by love/sex matters. it's a catch 22 i feel if we sleep together his bad behavior will hurt me worse but if we dont sleep together our connection wont be preserved...he will not be able to be the type of bf i would prefer to have until after he successfully presents to the committee this coming month. he wont break up with me--i have asked him to even last night--he wont do it i am not sure why he is holding on to me. i am not going to break up with him b/c i already promised i would not do that anymore (since i already did before 6 times) i finally relaxed and trusted him and this is the thanks i received you all
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 carhill i just want to say that i am honored that you commented on my post! i love you man! seriously your wisdom has gotten me though many tough moments over the past couple of years! <3 u carhill!
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 No darling d'Arthez, it's that he cannot have the academic community knowing he's in a serious relationship (im also keeping it secret from my academic adviser/and dean sigh) they expect you to be 100% dedicated with no life...or any distractions. he doesnt want his mentor to discover his relationship until after he's successfully presented. i respect that but i dont like how little respect he is displaying toward me. he said b/c im closest to him that why he felt it would be okay to reschedule this birthday dinner but i see it as it is precisely b/c i am closest to him that he should have protected the way in advance evening we had both agreed to have together and spend days and days preparing for to surprise him b/c of how very hard he's been working i learnt and cooked two of his favorite meals got him a small bday cake designed a special card with special words designed a lovely gift designed a special bday cake plate got my hair done put on full makeup cute outfit and he just left me at home and went off to his party with me all made up like that it was crushing, traumatizing even, i feel abandoned somehow--he doesnt deserve me
veggirl Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 You're still with this jerk? Wow he really has you wrapped around his finger. He gives you the least bit of attention he can muster (why didn't he tell his friends NO that he had plans?!) and you go out of your way to lavish him with gifts and food. I bet you anything once June comes around (just a week!) there will be some new reason you have to remain a secret. He'll have some other reason to push back "going public". I cannot believe you are dating someone who keeps you a secret. Do the other people in his program not date? Why couldn't he invite you to the party as a FRIEND even? Obviously he's allowed to have THOSE. 4
FitChick Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 When is the official announcement and where/how will you do it? Will there be a big party? Tell him you want to start planning. Ask who he wants to invite. His reaction should be very revealing. 2
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 today after eating i will ask all of these questions and report back thanks for the ideas!
carhill Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 OP, so I'm clear, He's Iranian, you're Spanish and you lived overseas for many years and are now residing in the US, as is he, correct? You said your therapist is from the SE US but that doesn't indicate whether or not you're living in the US currently. LS'ers, is it customary that academic institutions dictate personal relationship behavior to such a degree? That's alien to me, based on my experiences in university here in California. What are the positives here? Secret relationship, no sex, allusions to emotional abuse. OK, with those negatives out of the way, what's the balance? Companionship, intimacy, what? I'm looking for synergy; the glue which bonds in a healthy way. Any ideas?
d'Arthez Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I doubt it would be customary. I really think it is rather her boyfriend's custom (or maybe it impacts on how his research is being funded). I am not Iranian, but they probably look a bit different towards male-female relationships; though in my experience with one Iranian (Farsi speaking) atheist researcher, male-female relationships were not a problem at all (albeit this is in Western Europe). However, if the mentor was aware of another girlfriend, you being the second gilrfriend could potentially cause a scandal. I still cannot really see why you'd stay with him though dollface. 1
Kamille Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 LS'ers, is it customary that academic institutions dictate personal relationship behavior to such a degree? That's alien to me, based on my experiences in university here in California. Uncommon in the academic institutions I know in the US, Canada, France, UK, Finland and Spain. In North America, a faculty meddling into student's personal lives (refusing to grant a degree for personal reasons) could be actionable. Faculty expect dedication from their research assistants, but what students do on their time off is their own business. I have little to say about the situation that hasn't been said. This relationship seems like more pain and headache than necessary.
lospantalonsfancie Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Wow. I guess it is true that for every 10 desperate guys who can't get a date and/or are emotional tampons for the women in their lives there is one dude like this, who can wrap 'em around a finger and do as he please. Doesn't make it right, of course, but shows that there is a slight inkling of balance in the world.
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 his mentor is also iranian and very conservative sigh don't worry i'm gonna get a backbone soon enough it's b/c my father died, uncle and i had another traumatic break up with my first fiance all in a span of 10 days when i was only 20 years old im 28 now so i guess despite being a clever woman, when it comes to male figures in my life there is some extra emotional considerations/precautions i really need to take. 8 years is a long time but i've only been working intensively on these issues since Jan 2011. im over half way there but its clear i need to work on respecting myself more and matters related to setting healthy limits with others. Thank you all for your comments he's calling me now and is trying to say we should meet in the evening.
Imajerk17 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I don't really have any advice here. It just pains me to see a good partner (yourself) in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate it. I hope your boyfriend sees the light before it's too late. 1
Balzac Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 At age 28 it seems you are both PhD candidates. Is that correct? What VISA does he hold? Will he be doing postdoctoral research?
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 thanks dear he told me that he has booked a hotel for us tonight this is the first time he's ever done that so lets see what kind of grand gesture he is going to attempt to make in a couple of hours...he may be seeing the light but realistically speaking with so much academic pressure (not making excuses for him im a doctoral student as well so i understand this pressure well) it should be challenging to see the light until after his proposal. thank you for your response it was very validating :x
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 yes Balzac he will be doing his post doc @ MIT he has told me he expects us to move to MA together...in order to push each other to reach our highest potential/goals and support each other...so far the support is only one sided. I have until next May 2013 to make some major life altering decisions with or without him. We are both high achievers but it does appear only one of us is allowed to be the leader im a first born and he's an only child so far the only concessions being made have been on my side and this foreshadows more to come if i dont quickly become more comfortable in being alone w/out a bf to preoccupy myself with; i really need to get a life outside of university i'll be working on that so much this summer...all of my friends/former colleagues are spread out all over the world (i worked in the UN) and b/c i have traveled so much this is my first time to discipline myself to stay put in one place and attempt to establish "roots" i thought allowing a boyfriend in my life would help with all of this but it appears i really need to be a big girl and do this alone. thanks for posting and have a lovely afternoon
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 is a single entry student visa i guess F1? maybe im not sure exactly about that one...but i already told him i dont prefer marriage just companionship and to enjoy each others company that we should be together b/c we want to be not b/c we are compelled due to a legal document
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 i love the way you said "lavish" him with gifts and food heheh no but really i needed to read it back to myself in those terms out loud to let it sink in b/c essentially that's what happened thank you for your honesty veggirl i appreciate it so much
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) FitChick, when i asked him the questions you provided for me over the phone he first got defensive and said he "didn't want to think about it and lose his concentration" since he was at work. Then he said he 100% recommends that we suspend the relationship until the June fiasco passes with work. Then he decided to get a hotel...so yes your questions hit a nerve with him and also i agree based on his initial behavior to my line of questioning there is a very real possibility he will attempt to stretch the going public matter to the very last minute--he wouldn't even give me the exact date he will present in June SO thanks to you and streaming the negotiation scenes on Law and Order SVU i finally got him to reveal himself about this matter...TBD pending the hotel visitation this evening lets see if he collected himself and has a little more clarification to add about this matter Edited May 26, 2012 by dollface07
Author dollface07 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 should i have sex with him? does anyone have an opinion about this matter a Hotel isnt that mainly what people do in a hotel like are we just gonna lay there LOL do you think if we have sex that everything will get easier for us relationship wise? ps: i saw the pics from last night on FB he looked so happy surrounded by all his "friends" and when i saw that i felt really glad that he had a good time and i would never have wanted to take him away from that surprise bday party they all threw for him it appears he's loved/admired by all LOL (sarcasm people!)
Professor X Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 should i have sex with him? does anyone have an opinion about this matter a Hotel isnt that mainly what people do in a hotel like are we just gonna lay there LOL do you think if we have sex that everything will get easier for us relationship wise? ps: i saw the pics from last night on FB he looked so happy surrounded by all his "friends" and when i saw that i felt really glad that he had a good time and i would never have wanted to take him away from that surprise bday party they all threw for him it appears he's loved/admired by all LOL (sarcasm people!) NEVER, ever, use sex as a means. Didn't you want to wait with sex until you go public?
Author dollface07 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 but honestly i felt the no sex was drastically hurting intimacy/emotional connection. i feel so much more relieved, relaxed and content now that we finally did the deed i did not have an orgasm though and most probably wont be completely secure enough to do so until after we go public...but we re-established a connection which makes me feel way better about the stability/viability in the short run about things--the kind of commitment i am aiming to obtain is a monogamous companion where can enjoy each others company and have firmly established trust. I know the goal was 80 days and we only made it 35 days (45 days short of the goal) I was the one that asked to augment the terms and conditions of this agreement so i will only have myself to hold accountable if in a month's time he opts to not go public with me for whatever reason he may conjure up. ***Update about last night*** when we got to the hotel he had brought the food, bday gift and everything and we ate it together...he was totally impressed and really liked everything so much it was a success. in the morning, we had breakfast together then he went to meet his academic mentor (i know annoying but his mentor even met with him on christmas day!) and after the meeting came back to hotel sat with me for a short while and then took me back to my apt. i am being cautiously optimistic b/c i know in life there are no guarantees of a forever love, while some may think i am accepting whatever scraps he may be giving me, i feel that i have to be reasonable about my expectations of what I can expect from him for just a little while more related to his ability to be the bf i most envision having. If after his major educational milestone next month things in this relationship dont shift more favorably then i will consider it sunk costs of taking a risk and opening up to become emotionally vulnerable...i will be able to walk away without regrets and also with the happy memories of the time we spent together knowing that it's not a personal attack on my character that he may have changed his mind about moving forward with me or perhaps never had any true intention of progressing just the same--these are the risks you gotta take to maybe meet that special love and even that in life is not really guaranteed. i cannot compel a man to love, value and respect me all i can do it try to keep myself in an emotionally regulated state to withstand life's uncertainties. it's important that i write this update for myself here on LS so that in case i am disappointed next month by another individual's actions, at least i can reflect that on this day i was happy and if that happiness is not here when i return to read this update, i know that in time, one day that happiness will come again.
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