AhPa Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Hello, So heres my story, met this girl from online games and we started to chat more and more often from then onwards for about 6 months before we both started to be together. We had been together for just 1 year and during that past year I've visited her 4 times for a few days. All was going good until (my stupid fault) I made the mistake of jealousy where I notice she was spending more time playing online games then time with me and complained to her about it. From that moment she had started to get cold to me and my messages when we talked. After a couple of weeks she said mentioned that still doesnt want to be in love recently but didnt know how to tell me . She also says that maybe she wants to be alone for somedays and she feels pressure especially when we are so far apart(7000KMS apart) and she appreciates alot of the things I have done for her. She just doesnt know how to handle it. I guess thats the end of my LDR ?
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Hard to say. Alone time is of vital importance in an LDR. You can't let your life be consumed by someone who is on the other side of the world. The both of you would need to keep your interests going, do things to remain themselves, grow as people etc.. If you can get that message across there may be some hope. I would not count on it though. It is difficult to recover from a rut, especially if there is no clear endpoint in sight.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Thanks for the reply, well I did ask her a week later if its the distance pressure, I was willing to make it work (sounded needy I know but we're both mature enough to see it through 35 and 32). She said she knows this and also said lets be friends first. I guess thats time I need to give her, but even now she gives me the cold replies when I message her ... she just doesn't feel like talking. I know I may be over thinking things, but even as friends we can still talk normally right?. Anyway the happiest moments she has right now is late at night when she games and also asks me to play, we talk then but with other people as well. Maybe thats exactly what she wants and Im just overthinking it too much.
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Maybe you are overthinking, but maybe she is not into you too much. Since you are not restricted by the LDR anymore, feel free to meet other people. You can't keep hoping that things somehow will work out.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Well she did say that no matter how our relationship, i will always be her dear ... whatever that means.. She still calls me dear as usual ... or just a common word nowadays and I'm just thinking theres more to it than that
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 You are a friend, not a partner. I'd say try to get involved with other people. Maybe she does not know what she is missing, but she has had her chance, and is unwilling to take it. As difficult as it is to accept that things have not worked out, you'd better accept that things have not worked out.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 though i dont understand, even as a friend... everything sounds so cold ? she doesnt seem to treat her online buddies like that... seems like just me or so i feel that way
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 When relationship statuses downgrade, you are still living with the memories. So not only are you battling the perceptions that "dear" is less than "darling bf", but she is also making a conscious effort not to confuse you. Hence she is keeping more distance from you than from others. It sucks, but that is the way it works.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 i also think so too... though I asked her to not push me away like this, yet she denies it and tells me not to think too much. I would want to say to her, if this is how she feels like our friendship will be, i would rather not be friends then but that would just makes things even worst. She just keeps giving me the same reply that she doesn't feel like talking. I wish she would admit it and maybe that would make me feel better. i guess i would want some closure than just half half ....
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Stop talking to her as much as you do. Go Low Contact, and meet different people. There are a lot out there.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 So i guess is to do NC ...... at the moment, im wondering whether i can manage to do it considering she still msgs to see whether i would join her for games....
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 You can try Low Contact. Basically only respond to game requests, don't talk about anything else. Difficult and I am not sure if it would be the best for you. Or, you could set up your own games with other people, and tell her you are busy. Don't make your life revolve around hers. That will keep the emotional dependence on her in tact.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 unfortunately that seems what i am doing.....
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Cut that out. Your life is about yourself. Not about anyone else. If she fits in, great. If she does not, fit someone else in. Right now she does not fit in. Ergo, time to meet other people. Whether that is online or in real life is up to you.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 You mean cut the low contact out now ? I am also kinda doing some personal financial things for her, wonder if i should tell her that I cant do this anymore
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 You can stick to LC, but don't respond if you are busy with anything. Don't wait for her to show up for a game, but rather set up your own game. If she contacts you, tell her you are busy in your own game. Why are you doing her personal stuff? Does she reciprocate in return? If yes, I can see the merit of doing it. If no, you are basically providing a free service, in the hope of getting back with her. That will not work. Furthermore, you are wasting time you could spend to meet a girl who is actually interested in you as more than a friend. If LC does not work (and it seems like it is not), you can always go to NC.
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 well its not really personal stuff, its trading markets for her which ive been doing for awhile due to financial issues she had with her business and decided to invest some money in and I would look after her accounts. Anyway i will continue to try doing LC and errrr hope for nothing else, things will change overtime i guess
TMichaels Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 ... So heres my story, met this girl from online games and we started to chat more and more often from then onwards for about 6 months before we both started to be together. We had been together for just 1 year and during that past year I've visited her 4 times for a few days. All was going good until (my stupid fault) I made the mistake of jealousy where I notice she was spending more time playing online games then time with me and complained to her about it. From that moment she had started to get cold to me and my messages when we talked. After a couple of weeks she said mentioned that still doesnt want to be in love recently but didnt know how to tell me . She also says that maybe she wants to be alone for somedays and she feels pressure especially when we are so far apart(7000KMS apart) and she appreciates alot of the things I have done for her. She just doesnt know how to handle it... well its not really personal stuff, its trading markets for her which ive been doing for awhile due to financial issues she had with her business and decided to invest some money in and I would look after her accounts. Anyway i will continue to try doing LC and errrr hope for nothing else, things will change overtime i guess Sorry, AhPa but she *is not* interested in having a relationship with you -- or at least the kind of relationship you would like or thought you had. She's told you how it is both in her words and actions and you just don't want to hear it so let me break it down for you. 1) She enjoys/enjoyed your company and appreciates the work you've done managing her financial accounts. 2) She lashed out and shut down when you complained she was spending more time playing online games than with you because *she doesn't see you as her bf* therefore you don't have the right to tell her how she should spend her time. 3) #2 above was a wake-up call of sorts *for her* -- as it made it obvious how invested *you are* in the relationship which *is not* the way she either wants it to be or the way she sees *you.* 4) She doesn't want to hurt your feelings by cutting off all contact but on the other hand she doesn't see any reason why things can't continue as they were (from *her* perspective) which was/is that you two are just good friends who also happen to share an interest in the same online games. 5) All of this is complicated by the fact that you are handling her financial affairs. She's comfortable with that part of your relationship and doesn't want to lose *that* but wants you to continue doing it as a friend who offered to be her financial advisor, and nothing more. TBH, I find her way of handling all this a bit selfish and self-serving. If she knows you're more invested in the relationship than she is, and is distancing herself because she doesn't want to lead you on, then she shouldn't be continuing to rely on you to sort out and manage her financial affairs. To do otherwise, is just another case of "having your cake and eating it, too." If I were you, I'd tell her that you are unable to continue to manage her financial affairs -- no further explanation necessary or provided than that -- and then cut all ties. I think you're holding out false hope that if you just hang in there and maintain LC that things might turn around over time. Google the term "unrequited" love." You'd be much better off by ripping the bandage off the wound in one swift motion instead of dying a slow death via flesh-eating disease... HTH, TMichaels
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Sorry, AhPa but she *is not* interested in having a relationship with you -- or at least the kind of relationship you would like or thought you had. She's told you how it is both in her words and actions and you just don't want to hear it so let me break it down for you. 1) She enjoys/enjoyed your company and appreciates the work you've done managing her financial accounts. 2) She lashed out and shut down when you complained she was spending more time playing online games than with you because *she doesn't see you as her bf* therefore you don't have the right to tell her how she should spend her time. 3) #2 above was a wake-up call of sorts *for her* -- as it made it obvious how invested *you are* in the relationship which *is not* the way she either wants it to be or the way she sees *you.* 4) She doesn't want to hurt your feelings by cutting off all contact but on the other hand she doesn't see any reason why things can't continue as they were (from *her* perspective) which was/is that you two are just good friends who also happen to share an interest in the same online games. 5) All of this is complicated by the fact that you are handling her financial affairs. She's comfortable with that part of your relationship and doesn't want to lose *that* but wants you to continue doing it as a friend who offered to be her financial advisor, and nothing more. TBH, I find her way of handling all this a bit selfish and self-serving. If she knows you're more invested in the relationship than she is, and is distancing herself because she doesn't want to lead you on, then she shouldn't be continuing to rely on you to sort out and manage her financial affairs. To do otherwise, is just another case of "having your cake and eating it, too." If I were you, I'd tell her that you are unable to continue to manage her financial affairs -- no further explanation necessary or provided than that -- and then cut all ties. I think you're holding out false hope that if you just hang in there and maintain LC that things might turn around over time. Google the term "unrequited" love." You'd be much better off by ripping the bandage off the wound in one swift motion instead of dying a slow death via flesh-eating disease... HTH, TMichaels Thanks for the reply TMichaels, but you make it seem she didnt want such a relationship in the first place. I do agree the fact that she is an independent woman and like to things her own way. She didnt really lashed out actually, she was more caring about if there was something wrong with me as I acted very immaturely then out of jealousy. Anyway until now, she has mentioned that online buddies are online buddies (from her words "Just a hi and a bye, but we shared much more than that, dont think too much. "). I do know what you guys are saying and yes I do hate to admit the fact that the relationship is over just like that. Like she said, she doesnt want me to pressure her and time to be alone. I guess I just have to let her be.
TMichaels Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Thanks for the reply TMichaels, but you make it seem she didnt want such a relationship in the first place. I do agree the fact that she is an independent woman and like to things her own way. She didnt really lashed out actually, she was more caring about if there was something wrong with me as I acted very immaturely then out of jealousy. Anyway until now, she has mentioned that online buddies are online buddies (from her words "Just a hi and a bye, but we shared much more than that, dont think too much. "). I do know what you guys are saying and yes I do hate to admit the fact that the relationship is over just like that. Like she said, she doesnt want me to pressure her and time to be alone. I guess I just have to let her be. Then think of it this way: The two of you went out on FOUR dates. She's decided she's not interested in pursuing things further and has been trying to let you down gently but you aren't hearing what she's saying or refuse to cop on to what her actions convey. You're in the "friend zone" pal, and you're kidding yourself to think otherwise. You need to extricate yourself from the relationship -- including handling her finances -- unless you enjoy playing the martyr or get your jollies out of self-flagellation. Best, TMichaels
Author AhPa Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Then think of it this way: The two of you went out on FOUR dates. She's decided she's not interested in pursuing things further and has been trying to let you down gently but you aren't hearing what she's saying or refuse to cop on to what her actions convey. You're in the "friend zone" pal, and you're kidding yourself to think otherwise. You need to extricate yourself from the relationship -- including handling her finances -- unless you enjoy playing the martyr or get your jollies out of self-flagellation. Best, TMichaels thanks for harsh words, but yes you are right...i know im in the friend zone, so just let it be
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