neveroddoreven Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I've been lurking for the last few days, and it's been extremely helpful. I thought that posting my situation may help me even more. Here goes... I met my ex-gf at my last job about 3 years ago. We were always friendly at work, and for about a year, nothing really happened. She was in a relationship, and I was just focused on work. Eventually we started talking more and more and she asked me to a concert. We went and had a ball, and after that we became inseparable. Through out the relationship, we had a great time. Her family loved me and mine loved her. We when on foreign trips together, and talked about our future together. We dated for about 1.5 years until we moved into together. At this point, the gradual slide toward a breakup happened. She's friends with older male work colleagues, and I was never jealous of that fact. She can have the friends she wants, and I completely trusted her. One night she came back, late, and I was upset, and began to ask about marriage. Being upset didn't help the case, and I said that basically I was worried that we were in a honey moon period, and I didn't want to commit for fear that we couldn't handle tough situations together. Not in those words, and not a great answer. She seemed to be okay with this, but basically after this point, she dove into work, sex became infrequent, and about a month ago, she told me she needed space and could no longer live with me. She said that she knows she's making a big mistake, but she thinks she has personal issues, and by me being around, she'd not be able to work on them. She also said that she had feelings for her old boss, from before our relationship, and she didn't know what they meant. They did not cheat, but perhaps emotionally cheated. He's married, if that matters. At first, I was not okay with this, I said I'd goto therapy with her, I wanted to work on it with her, etc. It didn't work. She stayed at her friends while I moved out. I tried to keep LC and saw her a few times. The first few I could not help being emotional, trying to win her back. However, I realized that doesn't work, and the last time I saw her, I was fun, and we had a good time. At first she would text to see how I was, but then the texting got cold and I'd have to initiate. I started NC this week, and haven't heard a peep from her. She was on IM for a few days, but now I don't see her at all. I know that NC is the best path for me, but it's difficult, and I'm looking for closure, and perhaps hope that we can get together again. It seems to me that I may have been a bit too available and removed some of the attraction in the relationship, but other than that, we were an excellent couple. Everyone told us we looked perfect together, should get married, etc. What are your thoughts about this? Do you see a chance for closure or recon? I've been going through hell and back emotionally, very difficult. Previous breakups have been much easier for me, so that tells me this was something real. She is about 2.5 years older than me (I'm 25), and I don't think that had much to do with the relationship, it may have had something to do with the marriage hesitation -- as in she felt I wasn't ready due to age. Thanks. Edited May 26, 2012 by neveroddoreven
westrock Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I didn't want to commit for fear that we couldn't handle tough situations together. Your answer may have turned her off. Did you have any other discussions about marriage after this? Generally, that's a legitimate fear, but the two of you were dating for a while by then (1.5 years?), so I'm not sure why you still had that fear this far into dating. You two must have handled some tough or challenging situations as a couple by this time. You can never be sure of every tough situation, but at least you should have had confidence by this time that you two could handle any type of tough situation together. Why did you have this fear at this stage of your dating her? Is it possible you have some type of committment phobia? She said that she knows she's making a big mistake, but she thinks she has personal issues, and by me being around, she'd not be able to work on them. Do you know what are her personal issues that she is talking about? What do you know about her past relationships and the relationship she has with her parents? Do you know if in her previous relationships ended by the guy not wanting to commit? I don't know if there is much you can do other than limited contact to ocassionally keep in touch for now. But you shouldn't wait forever for her to resolve her personal issues.
Author neveroddoreven Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) Your answer may have turned her off. Did you have any other discussions about marriage after this? We did several times, and ultimately, I said something like my previous answer or that I didn't have a timeline for committing. When we spoke after break up, she admitted it was a big deal that I hadn't proposed, but we both agreed that we were never mature about marriage topics. Lots of her friends were getting married, and she said that she wanted it, but when we broke up, she said that she was in no way ready for marriage. Why did you have this fear at this stage of your dating her? Is it possible you have some type of committment phobia? My largest fear, and this isn't very mature, was that our relationship was very easy. We fell into it. I've had a lot of friendships and other relationships where we get along great for 2-3 years and then they just end. I think I was scared of that happening here. I do think I had some minor phobia of commitment, but I think in this situation, I needed a wake up call to realize it. We got very comfortable, and I think that dulled the attraction between us. Do you know what are her personal issues that she is talking about? Yes, she said in the break up that she was still unhappy though she had everything she wanted: a great house, job, boyfriend. I think she needed to discover internal sources for happiness because during the last few months, she kept saying she needed this or that. What do you know about her past relationships and the relationship she has with her parents? She told me that every one of her past relationships was terrible, either an abusive boyfriend, or just a bad match. She has a good relationship with her parents, but they are divorced. Do you know if in her previous relationships ended by the guy not wanting to commit? No, he was terrible to her. Threw things at her, etc. I don't know if there is much you can do other than limited contact to ocassionally keep in touch for now. But you shouldn't wait forever for her to resolve her personal issues. I agree. It hurts because I think I took her for granted, and it seems like a case of "if you liked it you should have put a ring on it", but it never seemed right to me. It was always forced and didn't seem natural. However, I realize now that I was foolish to not show how much I cared until it was too late. Edited May 26, 2012 by neveroddoreven
Author neveroddoreven Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Just found out she did cheat on me with the "guy she had feelings for". Guess this one goes into the rubbish bin and I find someone new. Thanks for the help. 1
Rorschach64 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Sorry to hear that, man. Good luck to you and stay strong.
Author neveroddoreven Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Sorry to hear that, man. Good luck to you and stay strong. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's hard to let go, but I can't be with someone who would do this to a person.
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