maysapphires Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I see a lot of threads about the different stages of an affair but not many about what happens when your married partner decides to leave and be with you. It sounded so simple at first, but in theory it's a process where everyone is dealing with a lot of different emotions. I realize the majority of A's don't end up in successful relationships. I realize that a lot of MP tell their OW/OM they are leaving and never do. I realize even if a MP leaves their marriage they may not decide to be with their OW/OM. This thread isn't to discuss that. Just tips, sharing of experiences of the process and emotions you went through as your MP was leaving their relationship. So, if your MP left or is leaving what were some obstacles you went through? Did you go to counseling (individual or couples) and if so, when did you start? Any type of advice on how to come out of this not so ideal situation as successful as possible, is appreciated. Thank you.
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Its hard to give meaningful advice based on so little. I would ask that you expand on your story so replies can be tailored for your scenario. Generally speaking, and in broad strokes, the transition to a normal R (even M) is often not so easy. And that depends on if there was a D-day. Was there? Was your MM and the A found out as I suggested in your first thread here? To continue along general lines, I would suggest IC for the MM followed by couples therapy for you both (to help break the mental process of the A). I wouldn't move in together immediately either. Let him live apart to grieve the M and heal. I would avoid being involved in his D. Don't suggest what to offer or reject in terms of alimony or CS or physical assets. Stay out of it. Take it slow. Date "normally" for a while. Expect it to be hard. I rarely see or hear of an "easy" transition - its usually described in terms of more or less difficult.
carhill Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 My best take-away having been through it many years ago is two-fold: Anything can happen and it doesn't always follow what seems to be the existing path nor logic The clearest indicator of progression is how the person progresses their life in general. How stable they are in their life dealings. This varies from person to person and also by gender of the married person. After a number of such experiences, both as a participant and observer, I'd say, wrt 'now what?', to remain an interested observer and let the realities play out. If the connection is real, it will stand the test of time and life. If other, other. 1
cocorico Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 So, if your MP left or is leaving what were some obstacles you went through? Did you go to counseling (individual or couples) and if so, when did you start? Any type of advice on how to come out of this not so ideal situation as successful as possible, is appreciated. Thank you. The only real obstacle was his xW. She clung and tried to guilt-trip him into staying and then turned very nasty once she realised he was not going back and tried to draw out the D as long as she could. He was in counselling (IC and family counselling with his kids).
pureinheart Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 So, if your MP left or is leaving what were some obstacles you went through? Did you go to counseling (individual or couples) and if so, when did you start? Any type of advice on how to come out of this not so ideal situation as successful as possible, is appreciated. Thank you. I made A LOT of mistakes in this area. First I failed to remember my own experiences concerning the psychological issues of divorce. Even though I was more than ready and happy to end the marriage, and confirmed many times over that I was justified to allow the marriage to die, the divorce was still a "death" and needed to be grieved as such. SM (now DM) inserted me (and I allowed it) into his divorce. Now in some cases this doesn't make a difference, although I would always advise not to get too involved in the divorce process. There are a lot of unresolved issues IMO that led to the divorce in the first place, especially if MP has been married for a long period of time. These unresolved issues can come out during the divorce...let them work it out, it's their marriage and their divorce. This can be a very difficult time for the AP, as SP (separated party) begins to focus on divorce issues and emotions AP can feel pushed to the side at times, so I would say to retain your own identity and life and distance yourself should this occur. Stay in touch with YOU, it is so easy to loose yourself in "their" problems. I was so drained and seemed to forget all of the rational logical thinking that I knew to be true on this subject. Counseling is a MUST IMO, both IC and couples. IMO you both will need time to internalise everything because it is very new territory concerning the relationship. Please keep in mind that my advice is based on the mistakes that I made AND the relationship I was in was meant to be friends in the first place and that is where we stand now. We jumped the gun based on emotions. We both had been repeatedly traumatised in our pasts. I thought "fate" had thrown us together, and I also thought based on MM's continued advances over a period of several years was his undying love for me...it wasn't. It was a need to be rescued for both of us...we still "rescue" each other to this day.
pureinheart Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) The only real obstacle was his xW. She clung and tried to guilt-trip him into staying and then turned very nasty once she realised he was not going back and tried to draw out the D as long as she could. He was in counselling (IC and family counselling with his kids). This happened in DM's case too minus the counselling with his kids. They used the kids to play games with each other, but this had been a family dynamic from the start. Personally, I had never witnessed such a horrible divorce, where facts were being exaggerated way beyond reasonable. Edited May 26, 2012 by pureinheart
Got it Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 This happened in DM's case too minus the counselling with his kids. They used the kids to play games with each other, but this had been a family dynamic from the start. Personally, I had never witnessed such a horrible divorce, where facts were being exaggerated way beyond reasonable. Yep similar. We did have a dday so that added to the drama. She tried to pull sides and told both families, unfortunately that backfired as she had a poor relationship with his family and never was close to them so they weren't interested in aligning against dMM. We did IC and CC. He wanted to do family counseling with the kids but so far she has refused to grant permission (in our state minors must have both legal parent's persmission).
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