audrey22 Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 My husbands ex-wife constantly invites herself, and makes herself at home with his family at gatherings. She is not only to blame, so is his family. Time after time my husband puts his foot down and lets everyone know that she is no longer family, and instead of receiving her the way they do, it should be averted to me. There are family members that are close to me, but the instant she comes around they all flock to her. This would not bother me as much if she were a nice, sweet hearted person, but she is evil, kniving, hypocritical, and certainly in no way genuine. What should I do to finally receive the respect I deserve from his family, and ex-wife. This entire situation is not only an annoyance and an inconvenience, but it is causing problems between my husband and I. Every time I become annoyed, I share very unpleasant opinions about his family. Call me paranoid, but I think his ex is doing this on purpose since we've had a relationship incomparable to theirs (much better). What are my alternatives?What should I do?
CurlyIam Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Well, first of all stop considering her competition. She's not. Second: what on Earth is she doing at family gatherings? His family does not have to like you better because you're his wife now.Theystill have feelings for the ex, just as it's normal to. Instead of concetrating on her and of wanting allyour attention on you (which, as a woman, I can understand, but I do not approve), you should start to get to know his family better.Like what does the mother like? What does his sister do? What's happening into theis lives lately? It gives you something to talkabout and you do take the consideration to thinl - preocupate with them. This is nice, this is what family is supposed tobe about - carying for eachother. You are so obsessed with them liking you that in the end, you are the one acting not genuine. If she happens to be around,politelyignore her and talk tothe other members of the family that are not around her, or with your hubby. You don't have to like her or pretend you do, that's for sure!
zoomer Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 I can certainly understand where your coming from! My ex-husband flocked to my family activities. My ex-husband and his new wife attempted to caused nothing more than turmoil in my household with my husband. They did this by lying, kniving, manipulation, etc.... they filed complaints against my husband at his place of employment, they fabricated documents, charged their Christmas presents to our account, "befriended" my husband's ex-wife, so not only did they show up at my activities...they all began showing up at his (my husband's). When my husband's two children had games, activities at school etc., MY ex-husband and his wife would show up to watch along with his ex!!! When my children had games...my husband's EX would show up for those. Now...before my husband's EX and My EX "befriended"... anytime she saw my children she would totally ignore them and would not even speak, only giving them the go to hell look. When they would attempt to talk to their Step-brother/sister at activities..she would grab their arm and walk away, not allowing them to speak to my kids. When she befriended my ex and his wife, suddenly she wanted my children to be her best friend! LOL... Can you follow that crap??!! Unbelievable! These people have done things for years to aggravate, intimidate, humiliate, and ruin our relationship ...to no avail! HE.. EX called wanting to get the children for just a couple of hours since he was in town. He picked up the kids and had them call me to tell me they forgot something and needed to come back and get it. I told him that I was going to my grandmothers because she was dying and wouldn't make it through the weekend, but I would wait on them if it wouldn't take very long. He left me there waiting on him.....while he went straight to my grandmothers with the kids ....was there several hours, where they witnessed her death and I was sitting at home waiting on them. My EX then called to advise me of my grandmother's death. And soooo, not to carry on with my horror stories..... I don't think your concern is that they like her best... I didn't get that out of your story... Here's my suggestion, Hold your head high, smile, and be the happiest person there. Do not let her get to you because that is exactly what she wants. She obviously can not let go (even if they remained friends) which is okay, I'm not saying it's not...just at other times. Who is advising her of the family gatherings? You may speak with that person explaining that while you certainly understand that they are still friends and enjoy each others company, that it is rather awkward for you and her to be put in that position and it would be greatly appreciated that she not always be included in family gatherings. AND ABOVE ALL....Remember that Evil, Mean and UN kindhearted people living unruly lives will eventually answer for their actions and behavior - if not in this lifetime....the hereafter!!! Never, Never go to their level with them. Rise above and shine!
Author audrey22 Posted June 26, 2004 Author Posted June 26, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam Well, first of all stop considering her competition. She's not. Second: what on Earth is she doing at family gatherings? His family does not have to like you better because you're his wife now.Theystill have feelings for the ex, just as it's normal to. Instead of concetrating on her and of wanting allyour attention on you (which, as a woman, I can understand, but I do not approve), you should start to get to know his family better.Like what does the mother like? What does his sister do? What's happening into theis lives lately? It gives you something to talkabout and you do take the consideration to thinl - preocupate with them. This is nice, this is what family is supposed tobe about - carying for eachother. You are so obsessed with them liking you that in the end, you are the one acting not genuine. If she happens to be around,politelyignore her and talk tothe other members of the family that are not around her, or with your hubby. You don't have to like her or pretend you do, that's for sure! I am a quite genuine person that is understanding, patient, respectful, and take situations for what they are. I hope you can understand when i say that I have exhausted all options in a reasonable resolution. I do not ask for any genuine relationships with these people since we do not have anything in common (I know this because my husband is quite close to his family, and i also have come to know them very well in the three years of our marriage), I only look for respect. Neither his family or ex-wife respect me, and i can only be stomped on for so long. I am in no way obsessed with them liking me. My belief is that in order to live in a peacful existence there must be a mutual respect (not liking) for one another. These lines of mutual respect are constantly being crossed purposely by the ex-wife and family even though my husband puts his foot down. I still have not because i do not care to sit and argue. They dont understand the situation I've been put in because none of them have ever been divorced or been with someone that has been divorced. One other thing i forgot to mention is that his family is also very hypocritical. The ex-wife is a drug addict, and was sent to a prison facility for a year. She is quite a low life (literally), and only by choice. My husband and I are quite wealthy only because we have built our own economic empire, and we do share with her. This I have no problem with since it should also benefit his children. She only takes this (extra) financial help and invests it in booze and drugs. His family did not agree with all the financial assistance we were giving her, and disclosing to me all the awful things she did during their marriage. I had no remarks to make although most stories were appauling. They spoke of her as if they hated her. The instant she came back from prison, they were all back to being sidekicks. I believe that their bonding is fueled by our (mine and my husbands) economical status. His family has tried to scam us, just as has his ex-wife. In every which way, the ex has attempted to make both of our lives miserable. We maintain smiles on our faces (although my husband has lost his temper a couple of time with her) and continue as if nothing were wrong, but she only resorts to an even worse behavior, tactics, schemes and deceit. Sometimes she does it in a hypocritical manner, and at others she is much more upfront about it (usually when just my husband, I, and the ex are around). I guess I know how to "PUT UP" with this situation", but last night was the breaking point and I don't know what the best manner to "DEAL" with the situation is. You must have misunderstood me the first time if you thought I was just being egocentrical.
zoomer Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Your story and your description of your manner is unbelievably familiar to ours!! Keep doing what you've been doing and the only thing I know to tell you is decline the next invitation to the family gathering. Although I know that would be difficult if your husband is close to them. HOWEVER, since he feels the same as you, explain that it would only be temporary to "miss out" on the occasions to hopefully prove your point. Do you know which family member it is inviting her or advising her of the gatherings? That person needs a heart to heart !! Good Luck and Hang in there!
Author audrey22 Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Originally posted by zoomer Your story and your description of your manner is unbelievably familiar to ours!! Keep doing what you've been doing and the only thing I know to tell you is decline the next invitation to the family gathering. Although I know that would be difficult if your husband is close to them. HOWEVER, since he feels the same as you, explain that it would only be temporary to "miss out" on the occasions to hopefully prove your point. Do you know which family member it is inviting her or advising her of the gatherings? That person needs a heart to heart !! Good Luck and Hang in there! I am so glad to finally know that someone else understands my situation. Even my husband can not fully understand my position, no matter how hard he tries. Although he has sympathy for the situation and I, he has no common experiences to compare to. Several family members of his are leaking information to the ex. Although all three of his brothers can't stand her, his two sisters enjoy her company. I can't blame them. Their idea of an entertaining conversation is gossiping about everyone and everything. I can understand good gossip like "so n so got engaged", or "so n so is going to LasVegas". They are the type to enjoy in others pain. One good example is when an "unknown" set fire to the brand new home that my husband and I are constructing. Monetarily it did not kill us, but emotionally it did. We found out that the ex was speaking to my husbands sister, and her own sister about it and was expressing joy over it. She was actually laughing at the entire situation. This kind of behavior to me is repulsive, and that is why his sisters, nieces, and a few other family members. Sadly my husbands mother is no longer alive. He and his brothers said that she could not stand the ex wife and would call her I quote "money grubbing cocaine whore" I believe that it is sad he did not listen to her before they got married. It is shocking how mothers can sense evil. I strongly believe that his relatives are causing all of this drama with the ex to bother me, more so than a strong tie to friendship. They (those who befriend her) have all expressed jealousy over our success (that shows in our lifestyle, and economically). My husband is the baby out of seven children, and I am extremely younger than he (by 12 years). I believe that they hold jealousy over him because he is the youngest and has accomplished more than any of them. My husband does have a genius mind for money and business, but as I have been told by many, the ex just held him down and sabotaged his attempts at success. I strongly believe it bothers them that he and I are not only meant for eachother and have a healthy, successful relationship, but that we are also two minds that work great together as a team. They must be annoyed by our aspirations to do great things in our life. I am so happy that you understand my situation, but truly sad that you have to deal with the same crazy situation.
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