tee Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 My fiance and I have broken up and gotten back together 3 times in the last three months. We were together over a year, he proposed and everything was great. Until a few weeks later when I learned that his father was against him marrying me because he met my family and was upset that my stepfather and brothers are black. My fiance and his family are cuban. He is not actually my fiance anymore because I gave the ring back in April since we were fighting constantly. The problem is that he is in the middle because he is extremely close to his parents and he works for the family business. He realizes his father is ignorant, but its his father and he loves him. When we got back together the first time, his father didn't speak to him for a week. I realize that if I want to be with this man that I will ultimately have to forgive his father, but it won't be easy. Counseling may help. We've tried being apart but are both miserable. We want to make it work, but the fighting has driven a wedge between us and because I sense distance from him this time around, I am horribly insecure and keep digging and creating arguments while trying to get him to say/do things I want. What I want is for him to want to get back on track (engaged). He says we need time to get out of fight mode but my insecurities have the best of me. We started couseling last week and fought for 3 hours afterward and almost broke up again. The problem I'm having is that he is not being as sweet and loving as I feel he should after everything we've been through. When he came back to me crying a couple of months ago, I took him back instantly and he was the most caring and considerate that he has ever been. After the first fight however, his wall went up and hasn't come down. He's not treating me badly, but I sense that his heart is not completely in this. We seem to be in a vicous cycle. Right now he is in Hawaii with a friend. (He planned it while we were broken up and I was in the Carribean-) He called me yesterday but- didn't call me today and I am FREAKING OUT. My impulse is to either call or email him and I know I shouldn't do that. I don't know what to do! I want to get things back on track, while keeping my dignity and stregnth, but I don't know how.
moimeme Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 he is not being as sweet and loving as I feel he should When you set up expectations for how another human being 'should' behave, you set your own self up for disappointment. What you have to do is let go of the idea that you have the right to expect him to behave as you think he should. He may still be having doubts, and your instincts may be telling you that, which is causing you to behave badly, but you have to step back and make yourself understand that you cannot MAKE him change his feelings - and berating him, arguing with him, and digging and creating arguments while trying to get him to say/do things I want will only drive him away. Resolve to keep your trap snapped shut. It'll be a struggle, but will get easier the more you do it. Remember - you have to be someone he'd want to live with - and a person who gives you grief is not a person you'd be itching to spend your life with!!
Author tee Posted June 26, 2004 Author Posted June 26, 2004 You are absolutely right and I will do my best to be my most loveable me. It is physically very difficult though, especially when we are together. Its almost like anxiety gets the best of me and takes control. I think I need to focus on other aspects of my life. But when we are face-to-face and something happens or is/is not said is when it is most challenging. Depression/anxiety runs in my family but I DO NOT want to go on medication. Any suggestions on how to handle anxiety without using meds? I know "chilling out" is the only way I'm going to keep this man, or any man for that matter. Thank you for your advice!
moimeme Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 but I DO NOT want to go on medication. Any suggestions on how to handle anxiety without using meds? Read Albert Ellis' books. Try meditation and all the other stress reliever strategies. However if you have a medical condition, then you would do yourself a favour by trying the meds. We have several posters who found themselves battling obsessive thoughts who wanted nothing to do with meds. Finally, in frustration, they tried them and have been happy with the results. If you actually have a medical condition, then it makes sense to treat it medically.
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