PainsChains Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 7 weeks NC and today’s the darkest day I’ve had yet. I just want to contact her and ask her: “WHY?” “How could you do this?” “Don’t you see how extreme the pain is that I’m in?” “Does it not move you at all?” “How can you live with yourself?” She was my dream girl. We dated for 1.5 years when she broke up with me for someone else. I chased her. She went back and forth between us for 2 weeks and finally chose him. I was devastated. Two days after she ended it I found out she gave me herpes. I went directly from the doctor to her house and told her. She said she didn’t know she had it. Said she was sorry. I broke down and told her I still loved her and that we could go through it together, that I wanted to take care of her. She said no. Then I asked if I could take her to the doctor the next day and she said no because she was going to the beach for the weekend with her new boyfriend. CRUEL! She ended the exchange by saying she’d call me when she got back in town. I’ve never heard from her again. Seven weeks have passed. I’ve gone complete NC. But I know things are going better than ever for her. She’s in love with the new guy. They’re together for days at a time. He owns a house in a big city and he does things with her we always talked about but never got to do. On top of that, she’s modeling and doing promos at bars and fun events around our town, going out with friends and making the most of the fast-paced social scene. As for me, to say I’ve not fared so well would be an understatement. In fact, this break up has more or less destroyed my life. Due to my emotional state, I had to forfeit my seasonal job and I've lost my income for the entire year. To get away from constant reminders of her, I had to leave everything I knew and loved behind, my apartment and all my friends and the perfect social circle/town/environment. I’ve since moved back in with my family in another state. I hate being here, know no one outside my family, and already they’re growing tired of my depression and losing patience with me. And the worst part? The stress over all this has caused me to lose my hair. This was probably my best feature so this loss has had a very negative impact on my self-esteem. I've always looked much younger than my years (my ex was actually 10 years younger) and suddenly now my hair is noticeably thinning. I’m so depressed. Angry. Everything. At the end she actually had the gall to tell me: I hope you find someone who makes you happy, too. I just want to call her up and say: Seriously??? Thanks to you I have an STI and I’m losing my f*king hair! How do you propose I do that NOW?? Don’t you think you could’ve left me with at least a semblance of a chance?! She’s made moving on so much harder for me now. It’s like I’m emotionally paralyzed. She walks away happy and smiling and the fact that she’s forever diminished my chances at love again doesn’t get so much as a second thought. And yet I still love her. How horrible is that? I think about her all the time. She has gone, abandoned me in my greatest time of need, shown herself callous and uncaring, flat out told me she doesn’t love me anymore, and has more than moved on. Yet here I am. Lately, I’ve just wanted to call her. Yell at her. Calmly ask her questions. Try to reason with her. Express the hell I’m in. Find out why she waited until it was too late to fix things to speak up. I hate this. Hate missing her so much. Hate the idea of living the rest of my life without her. Hate spending Friday night of Memorial Day weekend alone writing this. Hate that we’re not out celebrating this holiday together. Hate that she’s out celebrating it with him. Hate how good she was to me. Hate that after all this I still want her to be happy. Hate that I’m not the one making her happy this very moment. Hate that all this is just futile. Hate that I just can’t be happy, too.
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