SpiralOut Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I think the title says it all. I've been hurt in the past by having "friends" who didn't act like real friends, and I've dated men who treated me with disrespect. I put up with it for longer than I should have. I am learning to recognize disrespectful behaviour and pick up on red flags to avoid making the same mistakes. I don't want to feel demoralized by unhealthy relationships. The problem is the number of people I've met who in some way, give me a bad feeling. Some people I do like but we don't connect despite my efforts, and I don't believe in forcing a connection so I'm leaving those ones alone. It's so hard to find people I click with. There are people who befriend me so it's not like I'm an unlikeable person; there are just so few people that I connect with easily. It gets so tempting sometimes to overlook things that I shouldn't, just because I am getting lonely. For the longest time I didn't feel lonely at all despite not having many friends. I guess I put up the defensve mechanism of not caring. But I do care now. I dunno, I'm sure there is no quick solution. Just wondering how other people cope, I guess. In a way it makes me more nervous about trying to make friends or date. What if I make the mistake of settling for people who don't treat me right. The guy I dated last month did a few things that should have made me turn around and leave right then and there but I didn't.
pillowcase Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Just wondering how other people cope, I guess. We fake it as best we can.
spiderowl Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I do understand what you mean because I've done the same thing. I also do not find many people I connect with and when I do they tend to be way too young or on the other side of the world. I don't think you'll make the mistake of letting anyone mistreat you again. It sounds as if you're very aware of that. I also feel the loneliness and wonder if I'll ever meet anyone suitable. I tend to feel now that I won't. The people I often connect with are young guys who are not going to be with me for long (if I took it further and allowed them to start anything with me). I can't see the point in starting anything for that reason. I have considered flings, for the reason that I would feel less lonely, have a physical relationship and it wouldn't commit me to being with someone who isn't quite right for me. But, this isn't a solution either. I know I would end up feeling used or they would fall madly and I wouldn't and then we'd be in trouble. If they are young, it would be awkward and I'd feel I had to hide them. The way I see it, if I'm not happy to introduce my guy to my friends and family, then no point getting involved with them. Maybe the answer is to accept that there might not be that special someone and just spend the occasional night with a good person rather than expect anything more. That is a depressing thought, I know, but I haven't found any solution. I'm an extremely sensitive person, highly intelligent and artistic - finding anyone suitable and available seems near-on impossible and I'm just completely turned off by the usual sex-oriented, impersonal and insensitive approaches that most guys make. If you do find a solution, let me know!
Author SpiralOut Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Well at least I'm not the only one feeling this way . . . I tried the fling approach that you mention, and it didn't work for me. Like you said, either it makes you feel empty and used, or they fall for you and get hurt by you. I'm tired of that happening. Today I met up with someone I felt I was clicking with really well online, on a dating site. We didn't really click in person though. I noticed some red flags. He's not a bad person, I don't think, but there was a lot of anger/resentment under the surface of the conversation - just the off-hand comments - that turned me off. Now I feel totally depressed that it may take forever for me to meet someone. Not like I NEED to, or anything, but I'm getting tired of not finding that connection.
spiderowl Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 People do meet their special partners just out of the blue. It does happen. I know it does. It may happen to either or both of us. I guess we just have to carry on with normal life and see if it does. Each meeting that doesn't quite work out seems like a setback, I know. It's really strange but every time I decide it's not going to happen after all, someone appears to make me think it's possible again. Who knows? I'm going to give up making it a priority, have flings for sex and closeness only, and focus on other things in life. If it happens, it happens. I wish you all the best, however you decide to play it.
CopingGal Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 I've done the same thing. Put up with other people's nonsense and what not. I want better for myself. I had a friend that for some reason just stopped calling me. I called her. She never called me any more. I don't even want to fix it because we have nothing to talk about now. I wasn't sure if I should end the friendship or just let it bow out gracefully. I'm still not sure, but the point is, that I stopped putting in any effort in the relationship. My ex was a terrible boyfriend. I put all kinds of effort in that relationship. He did almost nothing. When I stopped putting the effort in the relationship and acted more like him...there was nothing in the relationship. I was able to see it for what it really was. He was cheated on me at the time and giving me crumbs so he could keep me as back up. Now, I try to be more selective regarding who I spend time with. I'm very alone, as a good friend just died. I have one other good friend and he is the best in the world. But that's it. I live in a very, very, very, very boring town with almost no opportunities and I hate it. I trying to move from here. I'm also trying to be careful as to who I hang out with. Being selective gets you loneliness. But I'd reather have that than to be constantly disrespected. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) That's so true Coping. It's better to be lonely than to be disrespected. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. It sucks to not have much support. Something happened tonight to make me realize that I'm still in the habit of disregarding bad behaviour without even realizing that I'm doing it. I went on a date that didn't go well. It was obvious at the end that he had no desire to see me again. At first I felt hurt by it. Then when I thought about how the date went, I realized, I just dodged a bullet. I mean, the guy is judgemental. He would ask me a question, then if he disagreed he would interrupt me to question me or explain why he thinks MY OPINION is wrong. That's fine to disagree but please don't interrupt me when I haven't even finished explaining yet. He's just not open-minded. There were a few other things that annoyed me but I don't think I realized just how annoyed I was until I came home and thought about it. So the point of my update is to explain how I will probably be alone forever because I still have issues to iron out. Every guy I date, every new friend I make, will be a test for me. It's a test of my self-esteem; do I know when someone is being a dickhead to me or not. Which sucks because does that just mean I do not deserve anyone until I've improved myself enough? Logically, it is better for me to wait. But it sucks to not be with anyone It's kind of weird, learning to be more selective. I used to worry if others like me (I still do to a certain extent) but now I am more worried about whether I will like other people, and will I actually find anyone who meets my standards. Edited June 23, 2012 by SpiralOut
Author SpiralOut Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I have given up on dating for now. I am attracting the wrong people because of my own issues. At this point, even if I met the type of man I want to be with, it wouldn't work out. The type of man I want would not want the woman I am right now. I'm too unhappy with my life. I am working on fixing this and trying to have faith that someone will come along when the moment is right.
loyalty Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I feel your pain I went through a rough break up and a hellish four years and have been single now for 8 months, at first it didnt bother me much as I get my kids half custody but after they leave Im starting to find myself getting very lonely and I feel its putting me into a slump. The girls I have met are just not my type and I have raised my standards as well and I am a very good man and feel I deserve something good as I dont ever want to go through what I went through again, im just having a hard time meeting girls or even letting them in i just dont know if I can deal with heart break again. And I find it hard to trust any girls I meet cause I dont know if they like me for me or cause im older and wiser a great father and independent so im finding it hard to trust, but the lonlyness is really starting to get to me. your not alone theres alot of us out there. Just remember dont settle for less just cause you want that companionship cause youll realize you made a mistake then you might be hurting someone innocent. I feel your pain....lonely in ny
avi_28 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I have given up on dating for now. I am attracting the wrong people because of my own issues. At this point, even if I met the type of man I want to be with, it wouldn't work out. The type of man I want would not want the woman I am right now. I'm too unhappy with my life. I am working on fixing this and trying to have faith that someone will come along when the moment is right. I've said this before... When the moment is right he will right there waiting for you!
haribogumsnickers Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 But for me, temporary equates to years but what's the rush. I've experienced very few relationships to be in any position to offer any quality advice. Most of them ended on not so good terms and mainly initiated from my part. They were learning lessons and I now know what I want and know that being honest to yourself and to the one you're involved with is key. I struggle to find any substantial relationship now and yes it gets discouraging to continue to the next one without having expectations. Expect nothing and just go with the flow no matter what. If it happens, then yes! If not, then still yes because you get to start new again. At least you know how to recognize the wrong guys from the potentially good ones. For now, join a running group if you're not already a runner. Running is the love of my life until I find her.
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