gibson Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Finding and ending up with the person who you will eventually marry... is a PROCESS! Meaning... You will be rejected, date around, date some winners, date some losers, have several long term relationships, go through several break ups, get screwed over, screw people over, have disappointments, have fun, have ups and downs, good days, bad days, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, adjust your GF / BF picker as you mature and grow, be infatuated several times, fall in "love" (immature and mature versions of "love") several times, have your heart broken several times, break several hearts, become more selective, etc. Your break up and the person who broke up with you are still going the PROCESS above. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A break up is an answer to a question! It is not a THESIS that has to be PROVEN (the reason why you think you two broke up or what you were told, which may or may not be true). Just because you don't like the answer to the question doesn't mean that you are to take it personal, think it's a reflection of you, your self-worth or TRY AND CHANGE THE ANSWER. The purpose of your relationship was to find out an answer to a question. What is the question, you ask? "Is this the person I want / am going to spend the rest of my life with?" If either of you decided to stop dating, break up or end a relationship for WHATEVER reason... You both now have the answer to that question and the answer is, NO. What's the alternative? To deny yourself or the person you were with their own happiness? To take it personal, lose all your self-respect, dignity and chase after someone who doesn't want you? To forgo all your hopes, wishes and dreams to stay with someone you shouldn't / don't want to be with? How on earth could anyone view the above a success? A break up is not a failure, it's an answer to a question and the successful conclusion of your relationship. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ For those of you who are going to tell me and anyone who will listen that you and your BF / GF / Relationship were different and you two had a love unlike any other. I am sure that you both talked about and planned your wedding, were together for a long time, picked out names for your kids, did everything together, you are close with each other families, were best friends, were each other's firsts, went on vacations together, lived together, looked at rings, maybe even got pets together, swore you would never break up, maybe even got engaged, etc. Most couples in long term relationships do this. What you don't realize is the person you were with only meant, thought, felt and even believed what they were saying / agreeing too... AT THE TIME. Truth is, time doesn't stand still, people change and so do their feelings. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever wondered why adults (your parents age and older) told you and other teenagers and people in their early 20s to wait before settling down / getting married? It's because they know that teenagers and people in their early 20s do not have the emotional and mental maturity, the life experience and often times people in this age group go through a "Phase" (which we call G.I.G.S. here on Loveshack) that lasts for several years. This "Phase" (G.I.G.S.) is a time of both disorientation and discover. They struggle with issues of independence and self-identity. Peer groups and external appearance tend to increase in importance. They end up dating around, partying, "living it up", "sowing their wild oats", getting into the club / bar scene, having the "college experience", rebelling, sleeping around, drinking, drugs, attention seeking, etc. This along with many other factors (school, career, etc.) is why... Most woman do not / will not be looking to settle down or get married until mid to late 20s. Most men do not / will not be looking to settle down or get married until mid to late 20s and a lot of them not until they are in their 30s. I only knew a handful of couples that married their HS or college sweetheart and all but 3 of those divorced in their mid to late twenties due to one of both people feeling and though they missed out and wanting to go through the "Phase" I describe above. So if you were dating or in a relationship with a guy / girl who is under the age of 25 (30 something for men) it is probably why it didn't work out and this is what the adults were more or less " "warning" you about when they were telling you to wait. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Do not confuse dating / relationships with marriage (till death due us part)! From what I have seen, heard and read on here, it's clear to me that many of you are disillusioned on what dating / relationships are and often times, confuse them with marriage (till death due us part). Many of you fail to recognize where you are and the person you were with is / at in the PROCESS I mention at the top of this post. This may be a little confusing but stick with me... People can be in one or both categories and they can bounce back and forth between the two: 1. People who are having "fun". These people date and enter into a relationship simply because they like the other person, want to be in a relationship, "love" (immature version of "love"), they enjoy the other person, for the fun of it, etc. (a.k.a. Recreational dating / relationships) 2. People who are "courting". These people want and are looking for a potential marriage partner. For them, dating and the relationship is a deliberate process. They see dating and a relationship as the steps that precede an engagement and marriage. They take the position and it's assumed that both parties our under an agreement usually with the hope of marriage. You can start dating someone and enter into a relationship with them strictly for "fun". However, over time and depending on the person you are with, you can shift into "courting" them. Let's use my friends and I as an example... Throughout our 20s we were only "having fun" and never were we "courting" anyone. As you can imagine throughout our 20s quit dating someone or end a long term relationship (some went for years) for all kind of stupid and dumb reasons... most of which we made up. Why did we do that? We were no longer having "fun" or simply wanted to have "fun" with someone else. There was NOTHING wrong with the person we were dating or in relationships with. There was also nothing they could have said or done that was going to get us to stay. It didn't matter if they were "marriage material" or not. We either change our minds on wanting to settle down / get married or we never have any intention of doing so. Through no fault of their own, we were always going to dump them. NOTE: We were not the only people in my late teens / 20s who thought, felt and behaved in this manner. Most everyone I knew dated around, had several long term relationships, etc. that ended. It wasn't just guys who were this way either, I had plenty of female friends who did the exact same thing. Now most of the woman I knew around the age of 25 or so is when they started "courting" people. For my friends and I, it wasn't till our late 20s / early 30s where we were primarily only looking to "courting" people. Note: These "courting" relationships could go on for years while we were in the process of determining if the other person was indeed who we wanted to marry. We would end these relationships if we determined they were not who we wanted to marry or relationship stopped progressing. Now having said all of that, there were still times where we took a "time out" from "courting" and just dated / entered into a relationship strictly for "fun" with someone because we wanted / needed to have a little "fun" again. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Break up is... 1. You and the person who dumped you are still going through the PROCESS I mention at the top of this post. 2. Whether your relationship was "fun" or you two were "courting" the purpose of it was to find out an answer to a question. Is this the person I will spend the rest of my life with? 3. No matter the reason why you two broke up, you have the answer to the question and the answer is NO. 3. Just because you didn't get the answer that you preferred, does not mean that you, your Ex or the relationship was a failure. 4. It's the successful conclusion of your relationship. 10
Savage4 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 (edited) Wow, no comments on this yet? I think this is an honest and positive way to view why relationships end. You made a good point that when a lot of relationships end it is not because someone did something wrong. People's emotions can just change seemingly without reason, and there are way too many people that beat themselves up because they think the relationship was a failure due to their own inadequacies, when in reality they have no control over the situation. Thank you for the good read! Edited May 26, 2012 by Savage4
raspberry.12 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Relationship ends is a pain. I'm trying to stick to the quote "Never waste your time on someone who is not willing to waste their time on you"...
sweetheart5381 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Finding and ending up with the person who you will eventually marry... is a PROCESS! Meaning... You will be rejected, date around, date some winners, date some losers, have several long term relationships, go through several break ups, get screwed over, screw people over, have disappointments, have fun, have ups and downs, good days, bad days, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, adjust your GF / BF picker as you mature and grow, be infatuated several times, fall in "love" (immature and mature versions of "love") several times, have your heart broken several times, break several hearts, become more selective, etc. Your break up and the person who broke up with you are still going the PROCESS above. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A break up is an answer to a question! It is not a THESIS that has to be PROVEN (the reason why you think you two broke up or what you were told, which may or may not be true). Just because you don't like the answer to the question doesn't mean that you are to take it personal, think it's a reflection of you, your self-worth or TRY AND CHANGE THE ANSWER. The purpose of your relationship was to find out an answer to a question. What is the question, you ask? "Is this the person I want / am going to spend the rest of my life with?" If either of you decided to stop dating, break up or end a relationship for WHATEVER reason... You both now have the answer to that question and the answer is, NO. What's the alternative? To deny yourself or the person you were with their own happiness? To take it personal, lose all your self-respect, dignity and chase after someone who doesn't want you? To forgo all your hopes, wishes and dreams to stay with someone you shouldn't / don't want to be with? How on earth could anyone view the above a success? A break up is not a failure, it's an answer to a question and the successful conclusion of your relationship. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ For those of you who are going to tell me and anyone who will listen that you and your BF / GF / Relationship were different and you two had a love unlike any other. I am sure that you both talked about and planned your wedding, were together for a long time, picked out names for your kids, did everything together, you are close with each other families, were best friends, were each other's firsts, went on vacations together, lived together, looked at rings, maybe even got pets together, swore you would never break up, maybe even got engaged, etc. Most couples in long term relationships do this. What you don't realize is the person you were with only meant, thought, felt and even believed what they were saying / agreeing too... AT THE TIME. Truth is, time doesn't stand still, people change and so do their feelings. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever wondered why adults (your parents age and older) told you and other teenagers and people in their early 20s to wait before settling down / getting married? It's because they know that teenagers and people in their early 20s do not have the emotional and mental maturity, the life experience and often times people in this age group go through a "Phase" (which we call G.I.G.S. here on Loveshack) that lasts for several years. This "Phase" (G.I.G.S.) is a time of both disorientation and discover. They struggle with issues of independence and self-identity. Peer groups and external appearance tend to increase in importance. They end up dating around, partying, "living it up", "sowing their wild oats", getting into the club / bar scene, having the "college experience", rebelling, sleeping around, drinking, drugs, attention seeking, etc. This along with many other factors (school, career, etc.) is why... Most woman do not / will not be looking to settle down or get married until mid to late 20s. Most men do not / will not be looking to settle down or get married until mid to late 20s and a lot of them not until they are in their 30s. I only knew a handful of couples that married their HS or college sweetheart and all but 3 of those divorced in their mid to late twenties due to one of both people feeling and though they missed out and wanting to go through the "Phase" I describe above. So if you were dating or in a relationship with a guy / girl who is under the age of 25 (30 something for men) it is probably why it didn't work out and this is what the adults were more or less " "warning" you about when they were telling you to wait. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Do not confuse dating / relationships with marriage (till death due us part)! From what I have seen, heard and read on here, it's clear to me that many of you are disillusioned on what dating / relationships are and often times, confuse them with marriage (till death due us part). Many of you fail to recognize where you are and the person you were with is / at in the PROCESS I mention at the top of this post. This may be a little confusing but stick with me... People can be in one or both categories and they can bounce back and forth between the two: 1. People who are having "fun". These people date and enter into a relationship simply because they like the other person, want to be in a relationship, "love" (immature version of "love"), they enjoy the other person, for the fun of it, etc. (a.k.a. Recreational dating / relationships) 2. People who are "courting". These people want and are looking for a potential marriage partner. For them, dating and the relationship is a deliberate process. They see dating and a relationship as the steps that precede an engagement and marriage. They take the position and it's assumed that both parties our under an agreement usually with the hope of marriage. You can start dating someone and enter into a relationship with them strictly for "fun". However, over time and depending on the person you are with, you can shift into "courting" them. Let's use my friends and I as an example... Throughout our 20s we were only "having fun" and never were we "courting" anyone. As you can imagine throughout our 20s quit dating someone or end a long term relationship (some went for years) for all kind of stupid and dumb reasons... most of which we made up. Why did we do that? We were no longer having "fun" or simply wanted to have "fun" with someone else. There was NOTHING wrong with the person we were dating or in relationships with. There was also nothing they could have said or done that was going to get us to stay. It didn't matter if they were "marriage material" or not. We either change our minds on wanting to settle down / get married or we never have any intention of doing so. Through no fault of their own, we were always going to dump them. NOTE: We were not the only people in my late teens / 20s who thought, felt and behaved in this manner. Most everyone I knew dated around, had several long term relationships, etc. that ended. It wasn't just guys who were this way either, I had plenty of female friends who did the exact same thing. Now most of the woman I knew around the age of 25 or so is when they started "courting" people. For my friends and I, it wasn't till our late 20s / early 30s where we were primarily only looking to "courting" people. Note: These "courting" relationships could go on for years while we were in the process of determining if the other person was indeed who we wanted to marry. We would end these relationships if we determined they were not who we wanted to marry or relationship stopped progressing. Now having said all of that, there were still times where we took a "time out" from "courting" and just dated / entered into a relationship strictly for "fun" with someone because we wanted / needed to have a little "fun" again. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Break up is... 1. You and the person who dumped you are still going through the PROCESS I mention at the top of this post. 2. Whether your relationship was "fun" or you two were "courting" the purpose of it was to find out an answer to a question. Is this the person I will spend the rest of my life with? 3. No matter the reason why you two broke up, you have the answer to the question and the answer is NO. 3. Just because you didn't get the answer that you preferred, does not mean that you, your Ex or the relationship was a failure. 4. It's the successful conclusion of your relationship. As Savage4 said, this an awesome post. Excellent read. We learn thru relationships. We learn about ourselves and often times a very strong relationship ultimately tests our values and attitudes, the core of our thoughts and feelings. It is truly a process to grow as a person... we are not static and every decision we make today has been influenced by others in the past - by both painful and pleasurable moments. The clock ticks. I personally don't believe in the "conclusion" of a relationship if it a strong one. Relationships evolve and change every day from moment to moment. A breakup does not necessarily signal an end to this significant other's existence in your life, it simply means that change is needed to maintain a relationship with the other person. I personally don't ever seek a "meant to be", rather I notice others that love and value me for the person I am. Those are the ones that will remain in my life forever, should they choose to be. 1
fificremefarben Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I like this post and I feel that there's a lot of truth to it. Don't get me wrong, when you're still grieving for a former relationship, it's a tough pill to swallow, but I think your words have truth in them.
Frank13 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Finding and ending up with the person who you will eventually marry... is a PROCESS! There is no instruction manual on finding the person to marry. Most relationships are hit and miss. Many people settle when they marry. Many people never find the right person and never marry. For a lot of people the process is a waste of time. 1
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