rebeccah413 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Background: very intense 1.5 year relationship, VERY complicated. first as my first lesbian relationship then he transitioned to male 8months in...began when I was 19 and he was 21, ended HORRIBLY right when I turned 21 after a 6 month break while I studied abroad. At this time he had started testosterone and got chest surgery...so he was kind of on top of the world, so to speak... it was an incredibly difficult relationship, potentially abusive at times I think due to mental stress and trauma on both our parts concerning family troubles and his transition and our identity crises... however, neither of us had ever been in love as we were with each other. & it was so rewarding--I've never felt as happy as I was then, that it fit even though it was so wrong at times, and am scared I won't feel that again. do feel as if it is a soul-mate connection, and both of us considered marriage...now feeling a little stupid that maybe we were just young. Did all the classic mistakes for our break up, and he had never been so cruel to me as he was a little over a year ago. I really knew it was over- I couldn't recognize him. I heard "I am not in love with you anymore" more than once... He cheated on me before that. He played games with me... Also heard "I don't want or need you enough to change." Yet I knew we were both going through a lot of pain ACTUALLY being broken up this time- but he refused to be vulnerable with me, he wanted to move on and wanted it over so I tried to keep my distance as much as possible. Last July after making a fool of myself again by contacting him, and him responding coldly, I wrote him an angry letter telling him to not contact me again, that I couldn't do this to myself anymore, and I hadn't heard from him (though heard of him plenty enough...) since then- at least a year of more. No birthday calls or anything either, no christmas- that was tough. Our first valentine's apart, too, we'd had three together.... Recent News: Saw him for the first time 1.5 weeks ago at a party. So sad and awful-ignored each other like strangers. Think we both played off being "fine with it" and having fun, but then I went home and cried myself to sleep. I graduated college 5 days ago, and lo and behold the thing I dreamt of happened: he emailed me...maybe he felt guilty not saying anything with me graduating, maybe he's been missing me a little and seeing each other in person led him towards contact... he's not one to do things he doesn't want to do, so I do feel it was genuine and not manipulative, even if all initial ex contact is a little bit like that... this is what he wrote: email subject: Congratulations, graduate "I know we are far from friends or even acquaintances at this point, but I wanted to congratulate you on graduation and any and all future plans! I wish you all the best X" my reply that evening: "Thank you, X. Maybe this will be the start towards becoming acquaintances. Congrats going to grad school my best, Y" It made me so happy and nervous and sad all at the same time. I feel a little stupid breaking no contact but I also feel healed enough to talk every once in a blue moon, maybe. miss him a lot. the worst part was just losing his presence in my life, as anything at all. I'm moving to Europe for the year and I don't know where he;s going, but I think moving out of our town, so...nothing can really happen from here I don't think unless we start talking intermittently. Any thoughts? I don't think I will ever contact him myself...though I am thinking of maybe saying Happy 25th on his birthday which is in October now that communication is a little more open...but maybe I shouldn't. I don't know...things also seem like g.i.g.s in which he could return after a couple years...so how do I do this... God I sound pathetic! Demonizing him hurts more than pining for him a little though, I just have to make sure it's more realistic. I am a big proponent of forgiveness and that people are mostly good-- but I certainly do know what the warning signs are with him now! so that's good... Thanks for reading this long post
confused4months Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 If you guys re enter a relationship, the risk of getting hurt is great. maybe get a counselor involved to help you guys both figure out if you can be together or not. they could really help you guys figure out if you have the same values or if your compatible or would work for marriage. hang in there, getting others insight into the situation is smart for sure.
Author rebeccah413 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Thanks for replying, helped me feel a lot better and good idea. I am starting to seriously over-analyze these emails to death...!! I might just dwell on it tonight and then let it go completely if I can. horribly nervous everyone's going to tell me I'm an idiot for replying or that I said the wrong thing etc etc.
Author rebeccah413 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 help! any thoughts? mother was under the impression the first part implied he was still not interested or ready for being friends or acquaintances, but wanted me to know he was thinking about me during that major occasion in my life (I was there for his graduation). I think she's right, but I can't figure out if my response scared him off, or revealed too many feelings or something...I am hoping it was allowing for contact in the future but nothing too intimate and acknowledging his nice gesture but not letting him off the hook necessarily for everything that's gone on with us. mutual friend helped me create the reply, and said a short simple aloof email responded to that same day showed confidence and that he'd know a couple days wait was insincere... ugh... I was also confused because I thought his subject was kind of flirtatious and intimate, knowing him esp. after not talking for a year (congratulations, graduate), then it seemed like he was acknowledging our falling out (and knowing him he has insecurity issues so he might be sad about that but not admitting it...but he also might not give a ****, who knows him now...) but then he ended it "I wish you all the best." mom says I'm reading too much into it...probably...still interested in other people's opinion :/ but I'm not going to move forward with him at all...it's just on my mind these days ughhh
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