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Posted (edited)

It started in July of last year. A kiss at a businessfunction after we both had too much to drink. Then, texting each other, talkingto each other every day, eventually sleeping together.

 

I've been married 24 years, she's been married 7. (I gotmarried very young and she got married in her 30s). I know I got married tooyoung. I've always known it. I was young and stupid. I did what it seemed likeI was supposed to do at the time, with a girl I had been dating for over twoyears. My marriage has had its ups and downs. During our first 10 years, we probablywould have (and should have) gotten a divorce several different times. The onlyreason we found not to do it was that we were flat broke - really broke in thatneither of us had a place to go or any money to afford an attorney. But then wewould up having kids - two daughters - 16 and 11 now

 

 

But I've never been happy - really happy. Just moderatelycontent - a droning lull.

 

So after the kiss with my co-worker last July, and as therelationship grew, I figured something out. I realized I had found the woman ofmy dreams; the woman I have been waiting my whole life for. The woman that ithink about as I wake up and as I go to sleep. I feel like I have won thelottery just to know she wants to spend time with me. I love everything abouther. EVERYTHING. She is the most beautiful, most amazing woman I have ever known

 

But "the problem" started in January. She has ajealous husband. I know that all husbands are jealous - this guy however - isnuts. He is verbally and mentally abusive to his wife (the love of my life). Hewas looking through her computer and found an email to her from me. In reality,the email was somewhat innocuous in that it was not graphic, or explicit, ordidn't say, "I love you". It said "I miss you - very much".But he went nuts and actually called me. He said, "You are not to emailher, call her or text her. Do you understand?" He then said, "If youdo, I will hunt you down, find you, and hurt you - bad. Do youunderstand?" And I know he means it. What’s worse, is that I believe hewill hurt her. After he hurts her, hewill seek to destroy me; my career, my reputation, everything

 

It has been 5 months since he called me. He still brings my name up to her. He asks aboy me. He asks her why we have to stay in contact withone another. She explained to him thatwe work together closely at work and we have to talk to each other. (which is100% true). He won’t let it go. And I know that he continues to snoop andlook for stuff. It scares her. It scares me.

 

Yes, I would leave my wife for her – but on my terms. When I have my affairs in order – when she hasher affairs in order. But if he findsout, our affair will come to light with his timing – not mine – not ours. He has been looking a lot lately. He has been snooping. He has been harassing her

 

So yesterday, I ended it. Not because I wanted to. Notbecause I am going to try to make my marriage work. But because of him

 

I have cried more in the last 24 hours than I have cried inthe previous 24 years. She is myperfect woman. She truly is my soulmate. She truly is the love of my life. She is the woman of my dreams.

 

And I ended it yesterday.

 

and I want to die.

Edited by c1vpmerch
messed up
Posted

So yesterday, I ended it. Not because I wanted to. Notbecause I am going to try to make my marriage work. But because of him

 

If she's so "abused" like she claims, she wouldn't have continued the affair following discovery.

 

She's playing you. She wants to cake eat.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Divorce your W now.

 

You're foggy - stay away from all women and see how this plays out.

 

Cry. But be honest with your W about who you are crying about.

 

Get honest!

 

Her husband should have enforced solid consequences. She should have quit the job.

 

You are playing with fire...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility & respect
  • Like 1
Posted

I do agree you need to divorce your wife because what you are doing to her is cruel and selfish. She deserves a man who will love her, adore her and not cheat on her. Basically it seems your whole marriage has been a lie and don't love nor respect your wife. You are DAMN lucky this guy hasn't contacted your wife. He should! She needs to know who she's married to so she can make a decision whether to divorce you or try to work things out. Right now you are holding her life in your hands, all because of some MW you feel in love with.

 

If MW's husband was that abusive, harming her physically, then why is she choosing to stay married to him?

 

He has every right to tell you to back off and leave her alone. He can and should try to get her to leave the job so she doesn't have to see you daily.

 

You make him out to be the devil but you're only hearing HER side of things. Yet i'm sure you painted your wife in a bad light too.

 

This whole situation is a mess. Are there kids involved?

 

Sorry if my post sounds harsh, it is coming from a good place though so please don't take what I say out of context.

 

It is good you ended it. Take care of yourself and get some counselling to help you get over this and also to figure out how to divorce your wife. She may be just as unhappy as you are.

  • Like 1
Posted

Well good to see that the group of people still jump on new posters in pain and give the same crappy advice and say the same crappy things i got years ago, guess things dont change.

 

I would be surprised if the poster comes back, but if he does dude it will get better. At first it will suck and every day it will improve.

 

Now as for dealing with your wife up to you to tell or not. Dont buy into the notion that a group will push on you that you have to tell. I followed the advice of that group and nothing changed, which will make your current existance worse. Figure out what YOU want and go from there. Dont buy into the guilt crap either a lot of posters will throw your way, that will not help YOU at all right now.

 

The husband dont worry about him i doubt he will do anything. He got to make his threats if you dont push things it will go away. I had the same thing done to me, it is the people that stay quiet and burn everything to the ground that will tell.

 

So hang in there man you are in for a lot of pain. Stay away from boose and i suggest a journal, get those thoughts out of your head.

  • Like 8
Posted
It started in July of last year. A kiss at a businessfunction after we both had too much to drink. Then, texting each other, talkingto each other every day, eventually sleeping together.

 

I've been married 24 years, she's been married 7. (I gotmarried very young and she got married in her 30s). I know I got married tooyoung. I've always known it. I was young and stupid. I did what it seemed likeI was supposed to do at the time, with a girl I had been dating for over twoyears. My marriage has had its ups and downs. During our first 10 years, we probablywould have (and should have) gotten a divorce several different times. The onlyreason we found not to do it was that we were flat broke - really broke in thatneither of us had a place to go or any money to afford an attorney. But then wewould up having kids - two daughters - 16 and 11 now

 

 

But I've never been happy - really happy. Just moderatelycontent - a droning lull.

 

So after the kiss with my co-worker last July, and as therelationship grew, I figured something out. I realized I had found the woman ofmy dreams; the woman I have been waiting my whole life for. The woman that ithink about as I wake up and as I go to sleep. I feel like I have won thelottery just to know she wants to spend time with me. I love everything abouther. EVERYTHING. She is the most beautiful, most amazing woman I have ever known

 

But "the problem" started in January. She has ajealous husband. I know that all husbands are jealous - this guy however - isnuts. He is verbally and mentally abusive to his wife (the love of my life). Hewas looking through her computer and found an email to her from me. In reality,the email was somewhat innocuous in that it was not graphic, or explicit, ordidn't say, "I love you". It said "I miss you - very much".But he went nuts and actually called me. He said, "You are not to emailher, call her or text her. Do you understand?" He then said, "If youdo, I will hunt you down, find you, and hurt you - bad. Do youunderstand?" And I know he means it. What’s worse, is that I believe hewill hurt her. After he hurts her, hewill seek to destroy me; my career, my reputation, everything

 

It has been 5 months since he called me. He still brings my name up to her. He asks aboy me. He asks her why we have to stay in contact withone another. She explained to him thatwe work together closely at work and we have to talk to each other. (which is100% true). He won’t let it go. And I know that he continues to snoop andlook for stuff. It scares her. It scares me.

 

Yes, I would leave my wife for her – but on my terms. When I have my affairs in order – when she hasher affairs in order. But if he findsout, our affair will come to light with his timing – not mine – not ours. He has been looking a lot lately. He has been snooping. He has been harassing her

 

So yesterday, I ended it. Not because I wanted to. Notbecause I am going to try to make my marriage work. But because of him

 

I have cried more in the last 24 hours than I have cried inthe previous 24 years. She is myperfect woman. She truly is my soulmate. She truly is the love of my life. She is the woman of my dreams.

 

And I ended it yesterday.

 

and I want to die.

 

 

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

IMO she needs to get out of there asap...hers doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like she is his "property".

 

Without giving out TMI why do believe that he can ruin your career?

 

Wow, I don't know what to say, just I wish you all weren't going through all of this:(...you've got my prayers and thoughts...

  • Like 3
Posted

If you can't post with civility and respect, it'd be best for you to choose not to respond. If I have to edit or delete your post(s), you will get a vacation from free posting.

  • Like 5
Posted (edited)

Well, I'm usually an advocate for doing right by everyone concerned--not just what is in your own best interests, but let's look at this based on your own bests interests if that's what you want to do. You say you don't love your wife and this OW is the love of your life. So leave your wife then. It's not in your best interests to live out a facade. You've already betrayed your wife. There's no point in staying with her. If your OW actually does have feelings for you, she'll leave her spouse for you. If she doesn't leave him, you can conclude that you're not as important to her as you thought, and you have more emotional investment in the relationship than she did. For you to leave your wife, everyone would be better off. Your wife wouldn't be living a lie, you would be free to pursue the woman you supposedly want, and your OW might be motivated to leave her husband for you. Just file for divorce and leave. It's a win win all the way around.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Posted

She could leave him; you could leave your wife. Then you could move and be together. It does sound as if you've given her up because you are scared of what he will do. He could have told your wife. I know someone who did exactly that when she found out her husband had been unfaithful - she was straight on the phone to his mistress's husband!

 

What does your ex-mistress want to do? I presume you have talked about it if you know her husband is still checking up on her. I'm surprised he's stayed with her. It may only be a matter of time before he dumps her, when he realises he'll always be checking if he stays with her because she's broken his trust. From your point of view, it seems a very unfinished situation. Does the woman see it the same way or has she accepted it? I think that's the crucial thing. If you both want to be together and really don't want your partners any more, then you'll find a way of being together. All the husband has done really is to stop you having an affair. He can't really stop you running away together.

 

I feel for your wife, who must be aware at some level that you are not mentally present with her any longer. She may already be working on her own escape route.

  • Like 1
Posted
If she's so "abused" like she claims, she wouldn't have continued the affair following discovery.

 

She's playing you. She wants to cake eat.

 

On what basis do you hold this knowledge?

  • Like 1
Posted

Wow, what a tough situation. I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with.

 

I do not have any concrete advice for your situation. Just a wish that you find the strength you need to deal with the challenges you now face.

 

Hang in there!

  • Like 1
Posted
It started in July of last year. A kiss at a businessfunction after we both had too much to drink. Then, texting each other, talkingto each other every day, eventually sleeping together.

 

I've been married 24 years, she's been married 7. (I gotmarried very young and she got married in her 30s). I know I got married tooyoung. I've always known it. I was young and stupid. I did what it seemed likeI was supposed to do at the time, with a girl I had been dating for over twoyears. My marriage has had its ups and downs. During our first 10 years, we probablywould have (and should have) gotten a divorce several different times. The onlyreason we found not to do it was that we were flat broke - really broke in thatneither of us had a place to go or any money to afford an attorney. But then wewould up having kids - two daughters - 16 and 11 now

 

 

But I've never been happy - really happy. Just moderatelycontent - a droning lull.

 

So after the kiss with my co-worker last July, and as therelationship grew, I figured something out. I realized I had found the woman ofmy dreams; the woman I have been waiting my whole life for. The woman that ithink about as I wake up and as I go to sleep. I feel like I have won thelottery just to know she wants to spend time with me. I love everything abouther. EVERYTHING. She is the most beautiful, most amazing woman I have ever known

 

But "the problem" started in January. She has ajealous husband. I know that all husbands are jealous - this guy however - isnuts. He is verbally and mentally abusive to his wife (the love of my life). Hewas looking through her computer and found an email to her from me. In reality,the email was somewhat innocuous in that it was not graphic, or explicit, ordidn't say, "I love you". It said "I miss you - very much".But he went nuts and actually called me. He said, "You are not to emailher, call her or text her. Do you understand?" He then said, "If youdo, I will hunt you down, find you, and hurt you - bad. Do youunderstand?" And I know he means it. What’s worse, is that I believe hewill hurt her. After he hurts her, hewill seek to destroy me; my career, my reputation, everything

 

It has been 5 months since he called me. He still brings my name up to her. He asks aboy me. He asks her why we have to stay in contact withone another. She explained to him thatwe work together closely at work and we have to talk to each other. (which is100% true). He won’t let it go. And I know that he continues to snoop andlook for stuff. It scares her. It scares me.

 

Yes, I would leave my wife for her – but on my terms. When I have my affairs in order – when she hasher affairs in order. But if he findsout, our affair will come to light with his timing – not mine – not ours. He has been looking a lot lately. He has been snooping. He has been harassing her

 

So yesterday, I ended it. Not because I wanted to. Notbecause I am going to try to make my marriage work. But because of him

 

I have cried more in the last 24 hours than I have cried inthe previous 24 years. She is myperfect woman. She truly is my soulmate. She truly is the love of my life. She is the woman of my dreams.

 

And I ended it yesterday.

 

and I want to die.

 

Oh, I feel for you. I know that pain.

 

Things are very messy and I think there are 3 threads to consider here. One is your marriage, secondly the relationship with the woman you love, thirdly - her husband.

 

You don't paint a picture of a terrible marriage. It has been enough for you to stay for a very long time. How do you feel about the possibility of leaving? If you had somewhere to move in to, just you alone, do you think you would go? If you could improve things considerably, although it'd never be ideal, through couples counselling, would you go? Are you friends with your wife?

 

How does your OW feel? Does she support this split? Does she view it as temporary/permanent? Is she intending to leave her marriage in any case, or only if it's to be with you?

 

I suspect the husband won't do much, he sounds noisy though. Has he asked her for counselling or anything constructive to put things in track. I think a break now, whilst he's like this, is not a bad thing.

 

This is very painful for you, but I think you've taken an important step in acknowledging things couldn't continue as they were. Time now to have a good clear look at how to address things from here.

  • Like 5
Posted
If she's so "abused" like she claims, she wouldn't have continued the affair following discovery.

 

You have no way of knowing that.

  • Like 1
Posted

Merch ... ending it when neither of you wants to is among the worst possible outcomes.

 

My situation is similar to yours, so I understand doing what you need to do to keep her safe. Backing off after his phone call was a smart move. The part I'm not sure I grasp is her staying there. If I were in your situation, I'd help her get out of there and get somewhere safe. Of course, she needs to want to do that.

 

In my case, I have already set up several "safe houses" where she can stay either temporarily or permanently, including everything from locations nearby, to locations in other states, depending on what the situation dictates. Depending on the situation, I am prepared to leave with her.

 

Where does that leave you? Well, you could stay in your M, she could stay in hers, you can forget about each other and get on with your not so great lives.

 

I think you should consider leaving your wife and getting D, no matter what else is going on. It sounds like something you should have already done. I am a strong proponent of it being better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person.

 

As for your MOW ... you have to allow her to make her own decisions. If she wants to stay in her M, leave her alone. If she wants out, ask if there is anything you can do to help her - which would be much easier if you were single.

 

As for jobs, career, your standing in the community or anything else... true love, great loves, are rare. If you are lucky enough to find it, nothing else should matter. For me, I'd give up anything to have a life with her, I'd take any job I needed to, live anywhere, because, to me, she is more important than anything else in the world.

 

You're in a tough spot right now, you have some decisions to make, none of which will be easy. Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes and I hope it all works out well in the long run.

  • Like 4
Posted

OP,

I know that you are feeling really stressed and sad right now, but there are a few things about what you wrote that i'm hoping you'll think more about.

 

You say that your other woman's husband is abusive and controlling. Please take some time and consider why you feel that way. is it just based upon his phone call? If so, is it possible that he was just very angry and blaming you for his wife's actions? as for the "snooping"...well, if he feels he doesn't trust his wife why do you think that is? Is it because he's controlling or is it because he's given him a very good reason not to trust him? Do you know, beyond what she tells you, that what she says is true? maybe it is maybe not, but i can tell you this...most guys, if they saw an email between their wife and another guy that says " i miss you" would probably suspect their wife was cheating, and, in the case of your other woman, they'd be right.

 

Do you feel that , if you were free to be with her, that she would leave to be with you? Maybe he is being uber controlling now , but was he before he found out she was cheating, or is this something new? Maybe he just doesn't trust her, and if you were in his position, would you?

Is it possible that she's playing up the situation to gain your sympathy as " the victim"? Only you know the answer.

 

As for your marriage, it doesn't sound like your wife has done anything wring to you, but it does sound like you've grown apart. If you wnat to leave, then i would ask that you at least give your wife the respect of treating her with dignity ( remember...your children will be watching and learning from how you handle it) and kindness. She is not evil nor has she really done anything wrong. Don't punish her because you are where you don't really want to be.

 

I hope you are able to get through the next little while...i'm sorry you are hurting but it will get better.

  • Like 1
Posted

And I ended it yesterday.

 

and I want to die.

 

Your post resonated with me. I also married young, stuck it out for too many decades and then met the woman of my dreams and had an affair. We are now married. But it's not an easy path, even though the sweetness of our life every day now makes it all worthwhile.

 

You say you ended the affair because of her abusive husband. You say you may leave your wife when all your ducks are in a row, and she may do the same, so am I correct in assuming that your medium-to-long term plan is still to end up together? That you're just ending the affair in the short-term to reduce the risk of discovery from her abusive husband? If so, I would sit down with her at work and draw up a concrete plan of action, that she can work on and you can work on separately, and you can meet up from time to time to review progress towards your goal. She needs to leave him, and divorce; you need to leave your wife, and divorce. There are things you can both do to set that in motion. If she (or you, on her behalf) fears her husband becoming abusive if she wants to leave him there are organisations who can advise on how best to do this, perhaps using a safe house and getting a restraining order to prevent him approaching or threatening her or you, and you can easily access those services in your area through a google search or directory enquiries. If you and she are both taking concrete steps to be together then this enforced time apart will seem less difficult and the longing for each other to be together all the time will motivate you to do what you need to do as quickly as you can.

 

In the meantime I hope you told her why you were ending the affair and have told her you still love her and still plan to be together with her, if you still do, so that she knows where she stands and can start doing what she needs to do from her side. You need to keep communicating if you still plan to be together, though you need to do so safely where her abusive husband can't be party to your discussions and you need also to be sure of your goals so that you can get moving from your own side.

 

Things can work out if you both want them to but you need realistic plans and timescales and you both need to start working on making it happen if you do want to be together one day. It's not easy but it is not something I regretted for even a moment and I'm sure that if you do end up together the pain of this time will soon be a distant memory. I wish you well.

  • Like 1
Posted

I'm sorry for the pain I can read in your post. :( Someone very smart once said that one of the reasons it hurts so much to end an affair like this is because it's not normal, natural or rational to stop being with someone you still love and care about so much. It's very similiar to the grieving process that people go through after a death.

Counseling IS a good idea and might be helpful, no matter what.

Please know that there are people who care and will be willing to listen and support you without judgement and criticism or telling you how you should be coping and getting over this. It's just silly to think that anyone knows for you what you should be doing or what steps you should take.

I hope that today is better for you, that you got some rest and that you remember to take care of yourself and don't ignore what you need right now, the rest of what will work for you make sense when the grief isn't so sharp.

Posted

Merch, I hope you toughed it out on here and didn't get scared away. I can tell you're in such pain. I am sure you physically ill. You didn't want to end the A with the OW, but felt for her safety, you had to.

Are you still in communication with her? Does she want out of her M?

You sound like you want to end yours, but you say you've been content.

Be very honest with yourself.....was your M really bad? Did you ever really love your W? Is she your friend? Did the A make your W seem worse than she really is?

Often when you're caught up in a passionate love A, you tend to justify what you're doing by looking at all the negatives in your M and in your spouse. Try to think back to years, many years before the A. If you put work into reconnecting, could you ever love your W again?

Also, please get into IC. What you are going through is very painful. You need support to be whole again.

Posted
On what basis do you hold this knowledge?

 

Getting caught would have stopped her dead in her tracks upon discovery. Instead she continued on with the affair after Dday.

 

That's not a woman who fears her husband.

That's a woman who has two men who want her and gets off on it.

Posted
Getting caught would have stopped her dead in her tracks upon discovery. Instead she continued on with the affair after Dday.

 

That's not a woman who fears her husband.

That's a woman who has two men who want her and gets off on it.

 

Or a woman that just can't make up her mind for a life changing event. The devil you know is much easier than the one you don't.

Posted

Thread starter, I hope you have found the input here helpful. If and when you wish to continue, please 'alert us' (click on the button) on your single post here and ask to continue and I'll reopen the thread for you.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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