confused4months Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 So one day, after taking her to her first psychiatrist appointment, my stbe wife two hours later is crying on the couch saying we need to seperate when the night before i come home from work and sit on the couch and she jumps over like a love sick puppy dog and curls up in my lap and i hold her and she listens to my heart through my chest and says how much she likes it and then says that whenever she's in my arms her world seems whole and complete and that everything just feels right. Of course the next day she's saying seperation, saying she needs space etc. i sleep in the office for the next four days, she then says move out we r divorcing. I move back with my folks and take the dog with me. she has the puppy and the two cats. two days later i come for my stuff, im punched in the face by my roommate when i said i was going to say goodbye to my wife. roommate/best friend attacks me screaming my wifes name and she comes out and the roommate runs inside. i told her and my brother in law what happened, she says, "what do you want me to do about it?" i was shocked, she didnt even care. i said "nothing, the police will deal with it." turns out she an the roommate were having an affair which to this day she still denies and has not even apologized to me about. she changed her fb relationship to being in a relationship with my ex roommate/ex best friend and we havent spoken in 3 months, its been almost 4 months since we separated. i get a call from an insurance company about some bounced payments (due to the stbe wife closing the account and taking out all the money with it as well and not changing the info over) so i had to call her about the payments etc. and she said she'd pay it as was for the family car which she kept. the next day she texts me and says, "So it's all dealt with now . Would you be open to a playdate with dog 1 (my dog) and dog 2 (the puppy) sometime?" I said, "Not at this time, sorry" "thanks for taking care of that though." she says, "alright, no worries :)" i text her back 2 days later and said "I might be open to coffee after the divorce, if thats something you'd be interested in." she says,"thats a ways away, so we shall see. Id love for dog 1 and dog 2 to get to play together :)" i said, "too soon for us". (referring to dog 1 and I) "maybe after the divorce" she says, "that was what I was thinking :)" I said "lol okay" then we spoke on the phone again. and my brother texted me that she and the ex roommate/ex best friend appear to have broken up as fb relationship status is now gone. It's been 4 months since we spilt. now i cant help but wonder if it really is all about the dogs being together to play or if there is a hidden agenda to her message. she keeps wanting to get the dogs together and wants to share custody. i am not and have enlisted in the separation agreement (that she has yet to agree to) that i will keep him and she can keep the puppy and the 2 cats. why is it that she will go for a dog date but not coffee? i phoned her up and said sorry things have gotten messy and what not and apologized for the things i said to her. she said she appreciated it and understood why it had gotten emotional etc. but NEVER ONCE apologized to me about the affair or the money she stole or anything. background on iour marriage - it was us against the world kinda thing like what peter said in his thread in march. basically exact same storyline - couldnt give a reason for wanting to seperate etc. we went to highschool together, dated for 6 months got married and finished school. we were married for just over a year and a half when she called the separation so we were together for just over 2 years in total. she said the same kindsa stuff - i dont know who i am, you made me forget etc. etc. took no responsibility for how she felt, blammed me for her depression and anxiety problems (which she has had throughoiut her life before we even met) and now on the phone she sounds normal again. just like the woman i fell in love with. she even sounded like she had some love for me in her voice. i just dont know though. she probably wont meet up with me for coffee but she will for the dogs, but is it seriously about the dogs? is it? or are the dogs a scapegoat for the situation? does she still love me? does she want to get back together with me? why is it about the dogs? any ideas or advice for me would be greatly appreciated. i need honesty. ive been trying to get over her but i think about her every single day. i really did love her.
pteromom Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 is it seriously about the dogs? No. If it was about the dogs, she wouldn't have waited 4 months to get them together. If it was important to her to keep the dogs friends, she would have made that a priority from the beginning. does she still love me? People on an internet forum can't answer that, as she is the only one who knows that. But my guess would be she broke up with the other guy and she's lonely. does she want to get back together with me? Maybe. Or maybe she just wants sex. Or maybe she wants to see if she can still feel something for you. Or maybe she feels badly about her breakup and just wants to be near someone who makes her feel desired and wanted. Advice: go ahead and meet her. Hear her out and see what she says. Stay detached and use your BRAIN, not your heart. If she does end up saying she still loves you and wants to try again, move VERY VERY VERY slowly. Because she may feel this way while she is lonely, but when you get back into a relationship, all the issues that led her to an affair and divorce the first time are still going to be there.
Author confused4months Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 dear pteromom, thanks for responding. she said she wouldn't meet up unless it was with the dogs. this frustrates me. i said: just wanted to let you know that if you would like to go for drinks or something maybe we could talk? i have the day off she said: i thought you weren't ready for that so soon? i said: just not the dogs. i want to be able to be okay with you and see how we do before i let you back into dog 1's life or myself into dog 2's life. they don't forget you know. dog 1 is my treasured everything and i dont want him to have his heart broken by seeing you once and not again you know? i just dont feel its fair to him. he spent days looking everywhere for you last time. i dont want to put him through that again. she saidd: i'm not sure...i'm more inclined to do the dog park together as opposed to just the two of us sitting down and talking...just more casual. i said: I though drinking automatically made things more casual how about a dogless walk then? she said: i dont think im open to that quite yet i said: okay. just wanted to hear what you had to say. It just struck me as odd that after almost four months you wanted to get them together. she said: well it wasn't random because i did ask in the past (within the first two weeks of the separation) ask to take dog 1 for a hike or walk and you werent open to that, just though you might have been now after some time i said: i thought maybe you wanted to talk to me about something or that something was on your mind. she said: No, just thought the pups would have a good time together i said: well there are always dog parks for that you know... she said: yeah, but i miss dog 1 too i said: so you miss dog 1. Do you miss me? she said: I dont know (my name)... I don't want to give you the wrong impression. My asking to get the dogs together was purely about the dogs. i said: well, if it's anything, i do miss you a little bit. and im working to forgive you. its okay if you dont feel the same way. it's easier for you i get that. just know going forward that for me, it's never going to be purely about the dogs. so if it is really purely about the dogs for you, and you really have nothing you want to say or talk to me about. Please don't ask me. she said: I can respect that then (my name). i said: Okay. So i guess it really was just about the dogs wasn't it? I can't believe that the woman i married has nothing to say to me. nothing. no apology, no nothing. now i feel like a total loser. im not crying my eyes out but my eyes are watery. im just in disbelief and shock. i must have really loved her so much more than she loved me. even 4 months later shes not even in the slightest bit remorseful for what shes done and not in the slightest bit interested in talking to me. why the f did she marry me if she didnt care? its not a game, its serious. i feel like crap.
pteromom Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I don't think it was all about the dogs. I think she wanted to feel you out and see how she felt around you. I think your openness on your conversation about missing her made her uncomfortable and made her feel like you ARE wanting to get back together, when she isn't sure what she wants. So now she's backing away.
Author confused4months Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 dear pteromom, maybe your right. i just am tired of being in limbo, wondering maybe or wondering if she still even thinks about me. what do i do now? i guess no contact again. i tried dating a girl i met but it was like i had picked an exact copy of my wife to date. i realized that i really wasnt over my ex wife and that it wasnt fair to date. i didnt really even miss my wife because i was so angry and hurt by her. then i start dating someone and all these feelings for my wife start flooding back so i end the relationship. then her relationship ends and shes texting me about dogs? why?! and now shes basically saying that she doesnt know if she misses me. is that just a sugar coated way of saying "no i dont miss you"? why does she give no apology for the affair? she literally has everything except for me and the dog, and she is the one who broke the vows and still doesnt say sorry or care about my feelings. what should i do? how can i stop caring for her how she has stopped caring for me?
pteromom Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 and now shes basically saying that she doesnt know if she misses me. is that just a sugar coated way of saying "no i dont miss you"? No, I think she's telling you the truth. She doesn't know if she misses you. She's broken up with her affair. She remembers your relationship (the good and the bad). She doesn't know if the bad was as bad as she remembers, or if the good was as good as she remembers. She knows she chose to have an affair, and doesn't know if that was the right choice - if it was because of something lacking in your relationship or if it was just something within HER. So - she doesn't know if she misses you. what should i do? You have let her know how you feel, and you opened the door for getting together. Now it's in her court. If she decides that yes, she DOES miss you and wants to see what happens, she'll contact you. If it makes you feel better, you could send her one final email/text/letter saying something like "I really do miss you. If you decide you just want to get together for coffee and catch up, you know where to find me." Then you have to let it go. It's up to her. how can i stop caring for her how she has stopped caring for me? Forget about dating for now. Like you said, you aren't ready. But this doesn't mean you can't have some fun and enjoy your life. Plan a road trip with a buddy. Go to some concerts. Find a dog park to take your dog to, and make some new friends. Take up a new hobby. Do a couch to 5K. Volunteer somewhere. Make your life full and fun. Soon enough, you'll find you are laughing more and crying less.
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