Long Distance: I'm not wanted in his circle of friends

[tinyrobot]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm new here but been reading the forum from the shadows for quite some time. I need some advice with a situation I'm going through right now. First, I will give you some context on my relationship.

 

- Long Distance as in: we live in different countries by the moment.

- Language: we speak different languages but it's all good between us. We mainly use English.

- Time we've been into this relationship: 4 years

- Sexual preference: we are heterosexual

- Age: we are both above 30

 

One of the major problems I've encountered in my LDR with this guy is the resistance from his posse.

 

As I mentioned above, we've been going out for 4 years but it was only after the second year that I got to meet some of his friends. I dont visit him as often as he visits me, so it's been kind of difficult to have meetings with his friends too.

 

*I want to make clear at this point that I have no problems with his family and most of them met me from the very beginning.*

 

Everytime I had an encounter with his friends it was a nightmare to me. They don't speak my language, I dont speak theirs and none of them speak English either! So most of the time I could share some moments with them I felt ignored, unwelcomed, unwanted and seen as a freak from another planet.

 

My boyfriend has a best friend. This guy is pretty close to him. Visits him almost every day (which I find weird but I don't know) and he seems to have a steady negative attitude towards women (even though he's convinced everyone he's some sort of player).

 

This guy doesn't seem to like me in any way. He barely greets me when I'm at my bf's house and I have never ever talked to him.

 

Now, something really shady happened last year: Around March 2011 there was a rock concert my bf and his BFF planned to go to. I wasn't there at the time, so all I knew is that they were going to go together.

 

A few days previous to the show, I see my boyfriend adding to Facebook two girls that I never heard of. When I asked who were they, he told me to mind my own business.

 

(...)

 

Ok, so the day to go to the concert arrived. My boyfriend said goodbye to me on the messenger and everything was fine.

 

A day after the show, I see in my bf's FB wall a message from one of the girls he added 3 days ago. She tagged my bf, his BFF and another girl and thanked them all for the amazing night they had at the show, the fun "in the car" O_O (huh?) and all the jokes.

 

When I read this I became furious and questioned my boyfriend about it. He said it was just some girls they met.... I didn't believe a thing, but since this is LONG DISTANCE, you can't do crap about it or else all you get you is a block and a shut down from the other end.

 

I remained mad and pissed off for quite some months. I never took it off of my mind and my chest. I wasn't sure he had cheated on me or not but I was damn sure he had lied to me and that he didn't go alone with his friend to the show but he went out with two other girls... as in a plan of four...

 

Months passed and we met again. Really hard to approach situations that happened long time ago when you got so little time to spend together, you dont want to ruin it!

 

Thing is, at some point, during this meeting the topic came back and he confessed: he said his BFF planned the whole thing. He played a bet on my boyfriend about these girls, something like "I bet you won't dare to talk to them because you are a puss** for your girlfriend". And then he clarified that they only went to the show and after that to a McDonalds but nothing else happened.

 

Since then our relationship has gone to hell. I dont trust him at all and I totally HATE his BFF. I have seen him a couple of times this year but I distrust him every day more.

 

I don't know what to do. He says nothing happened but every time I know he's going out with this guy Im thinking that they are out with girls, laughing in my back, making an unknowing fool out of me.

 

I hate the guy, I had a huge fight with my boyfriend and I called his BFF a "homo" because I see him as the third wheel in my relationship. He doesn't leave us alone, he goes to my bf's house when Im there. He's intrusive and makes me uncomfortable and he planned this crap against me... for what? Its so immature I feel Im dating a 16 years old.

 

Please help me, Im sorry this post got so long

[tinyrobot]

bah, no one cares

[d'Arthez]

Sadly, there is not much you can do.

 

The distance naturally is a big problem, as it is in any LDR. Have the two of you discussed how to get together on a permanent basis? If no such plan is in place, then I don't think this LDR will ever have a chance of working out.

 

Your bf maintains very poor boundaries. It is one thing to spend time in the company of people of the other sex, it is another to hide the details, downplay what he has done, especially if you find out afterwards that more has gone on than he has let on. So it is not surprising trust is a major issue. Unless he attempts to actually show he is remorseful and improve on the trust issue (that is, stand up for you when he is around his friends), nothing can be salvaged.

 

And it seems the damage has already been done. You are better off splitting up.

Edited May 27, 2012 by d'Arthez

[tinyrobot]

Thank you d'Arthez...

 

We did talk about getting together. He has to move to my place because Im the one with a better financial situation and I live in a metropoli while he lives in a small town where I have no future.

 

But he's been delaying it because he is insecure about it, he loves his family too much and friends too so its getting difficult for him to get dettached from all that. Plus, now he has a rare disease that's preventing him from moving anywhere until he discovers what the hell he has... =/

 

About the trust... yeah, I dont trust him anymore because of what happened even though he regrets it to the bone and swears to me that he NEVER betrayed me. I don't know what to think... sometimes I believe him, sometimes I dont because he's shady about his friends. I have told hiim 1000 times that I dont like that guy, distrust him and all he can say is that Im nuts and I dont want him to have any friend...

 

His responses are so disappointed that Im running out of energy everyday more and yes, we are splitted now, trying to work it out but with too much difficulty

[d'Arthez]

Have you actually seen the medical evidence of the disease? Or how it affects his physical wellbeing? Or is it something he has made up to delay moving to your side?

 

Sometimes love is not enough. If he is unwilling to move, and you have no future where he lives, then it cannot work. I am not even sure of the amount of legal obstacles either of you would face when moving to another country. Has that been researched?

 

It really does not look good .

[tinyrobot]

yes, I have. I know its real and its some bad stuff that makes me suffer too much.... But sometimes I wonder if its a psycho-somatic thing, u know? Because so far doctors are lost in the diagnose.

 

About the countries, I guess there shouldn't be much trouble since we are "brother" countries and there are many people from his country living in mine, married and working... of course, it would take some time for him to become completely legal but I think its all good.

 

He actually had a job interview in my previous working place around 2 years ago but the vacant was occupied by someone who was transfered from another city. We were very unlucky that time because he was much more convinced of moving here back then and the place was perfect for him. But okay

[d'Arthez]

Even if he did not cheat and is sincere, you cannot keep putting your life on hold forever. I am speaking from experience here. It is emotionally simply too draining. Too much to handle.

 

You need to set a time to be together, because else this relationship will never get where the two of you want to be. You can't keep on living on promises forever. As difficult and painful as it is, it seems you are better off walking away.

[Balzac]

It makes no sense that you expend so much energy blaming your BF's buddy. At the age of 30 your boundaries are what is important. You cannot change either man.

 

For whatever reason, you have selected and stuck by a man that is unavailable to you. There must be some payoff? Have you pondered what that could be?

His friend is a non-factor in your relationship. Your BF disrespects your relationship.

[tinyrobot]

- d'Artez: you are right, it is what i've been telling him but for some odd reason he doesn't want to break up. I dont know what he wants... he makes me crazy

 

- Balzac: truth is I didnt choose anything. It just happened. We both fell in love. I didnt look for a relationship like this. I was against it in the beginning but then he followed me around and it happened.

 

I thought it was going to take off but now we're more stuck than ever. He's a good person but we have obstacles in life: being distance the number one.

[d'Arthez]

He does not really do anything to overcome the obstacles. That is what is what should be telling you this is not going to work out. LDRs often fail when one of the partners is not really willing to move, because of social commitments, relationships etc.. It seems this one fits that mould.

[tinyrobot]

Yeah, he's stuck... full of problems and things.. but he doesnt want to break up! That's strange. I tell him please we have to split up, this is only fights.... but he wants me to erase everything from my mind and act as if we didnt have any problems.

 

At times I wonder if he's just using me... to scape from his life from time to time. When he comes here we have amazing times because this city is wonderful. When I go there we are locked in his house because his place is horrid.

 

Around a month ago, he brought his mother here. They spent a week and all she wanted to do was going out and blah blah. I was tired.... and after they were gone my mom and I got a bad taste in the mouth.

 

We felt sort of used as a hotel.. My mother got mad that his mother never mentioned anything about our relationship, never talked to my mom about the state of things. She was only interested and excited about going to museums and tourist stuff...

[pettie]

Cons:

 

- Constantly fighting.

- Trust issues.

- Intrusive friends / boundary problems.

- No intentions of moving (apparently).

 

Can you think of a list of Pros that could make you tolerate and help you both overcome all these? I know small things are usually exponentially increased in a LDR, but these listed are no minor things at all, you cannot overlook them, especially in a LDR!

 

If you can't do a list and furthermore, feel used (not saying all the time, but as of lately), then I think it's time for seriously reconsidering your relationship and just because "he doesn't want to break up", doesn't mean that you have to put up with it.

[tinyrobot]

well, the pros...

 

- I am in love and thats the one reason for why I stood up through too much.

- He's a good person after all. There aren't many good guys out there.

- Its hard for me to find people who suit me so well... Im not a regular woman. I dont have common taste for most of things. He seems to understand me in all that.

 

I dont know I think im going through a low self-esteem period...

[Professor X]

well, the pros...

 

- I am in love and thats the one reason for why I stood up through too much.

Not good enough. What if he were to beat you? Cheat on you? Still a "pro?" and besides, you were asked about HIS pros. You loving him says nothing about him.

 

- He's a good person after all. There aren't many good guys out there.

Be specific, what is "good"? What is he doing to make himself a good guy? Hiding 2 chicks he knew about before the concert? Lying to you by telling you his friend made a bet with him that he can't talk with other women? (lol, what is he, 14???)

 

- Its hard for me to find people who suit me so well... Im not a regular woman. I dont have common taste for most of things. He seems to understand me in all that.

There are 7 billion people on this tiny planet, about half are men, about a quarter of those men are someone who's be close to your age, so that leaves us with 875 million men. You telling me you can't find a better match from that big of a pool? (even if you mesh with only 1% of those men, that leaves you with 8.75 million options). And since you're in a LDR, distance is not an issue.

 

Math does simplify things, doesn't it?

 

I think the red flags are there. It's up to you to decide what you wanna do with them. Personally, I think you might be used.

[blugirl]

I wouldnt believe him if I was you, honest partners do not hide details. Must be something going on.

You're like my best friend, she and her bf are totally not a match and she is fed up with him but afraid to split up and stay alone so she also convinces herself 'but he's a good man..' which pisses me off cause I see they are just too different to make it work out.

So stop being in denial and just cut him off, it's a waste of time. If your LDR partner is not showing any willingness to move over, everything else is just excuses, actions speak thousand times louder than words.

[tinyrobot]

He says he hides stuff because he is scared of me... I'm not an angel, I go nuts and give him a lot of ****.

 

If I find out about the slightest **** with other women I break tables and chairs... Im psycho but I don't know... all of your responses make me too sad

 

Im still waiting from some response from him...