pure78 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Hi, I have been married to my husband for 10 years and no children and last year he lost his job and became controlling disrespectful to me and to make a long story short i was no longer happy. i met a coworker who is 24 (i am 34) and had an affair. My husband found out and we he wanted to work through it but ibcould never give him my all and continued with my affair. he again found out and we seperated and have been living apart for nearly 6 months. me and my new friend are not together right now but still friends because i want to do things right and give him a chance after i am divorced. But my mother will never accept him and told me if im with him she will disown me. She is retired and lives with me. my whole family is against me to be with him as well. Recently my husband wants to work it out again. He loves me so very much but i dont think i can face him ever again or his family. He tells me what i have with my friend is not real and i will regret it. But i cant help my feelings for my friend. He just makes me feel so happy. Everyone tells me its not real between us but i feel like they dont know him or how he makes me feel. Will my mom really accept him someday? Will we really have something special I love my husband will he really change and treat me like he says he will? Im sorry for it being so vague but im so confused. I want to believe i have something special buy at the same time i dont want others to live my life like i need to find out for myself.
TaraMaiden Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Stop being a people pleaser. I was married for 26 years, and had 2 kids. I met my current husband in August and come October, my e- and I wound up our relationship. the upheaval was dramatic, emotional, turbulent, disruptive, and took everyone who knew us by surprise. it left my parents - chiefly my mother - in a state of numb shock. 8 years later, we have just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I'm 55. I cannot possibly say or predict how it will go for you, but this I do know. Do things because you want to, you have faith in yourself that whatever the outcome you will come through it, and knowing that if you don't - you will always regret not knowing.
pteromom Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Is it real with my new man? Your FEELINGS are absolutely real. You know they are. But is your relationship in its current form "real"? No. It's an ESCAPE from reality. Your relationship is based on emotion, and doesn't include bills and laundry and figuring out how to balance a life together. When you are with your friend, you don't have to think about that stuff - you can just lose yourself in him. In that aspect, your relationship isn't "real". To be "real", you'd have to have him enveloped in your regular daily life. Will my mom really accept him someday? Maybe; maybe not. That's up to her. And it's up to you how to react to what she chooses. Will we really have something special Not likely. The way you got together is one strike against you (statistics say that less than 1% of relationships born of affairs last long-term), your age difference is another strike against you (you are simply in different stages of your lives), and your family's reaction to him is yet another (it is going to be strained and difficult to mesh him with your family). You have no idea how he will be once you are living with him and dealing with the daily crap either. It could be wonderful, or you could find yourself realizing he is 24 and immature in a lot of ways. I love my husband will he really change and treat me like he says he will? Who knows? If you love him still, you could give him the chance. Only he knows what is in his heart. The main advice I have here is to pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. Because it is easy to SAY anything. It's harder to put in the effort. So if he's putting in the effort, I'd consider giving him a chance.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Hi, I have been married to my husband for 10 years and no children and last year he lost his job and became controlling disrespectful to me and to make a long story short i was no longer happy. i met a coworker who is 24 (i am 34) and had an affair. My husband found out and we he wanted to work through it but ibcould never give him my all and continued with my affair. he again found out and we seperated and have been living apart for nearly 6 months. me and my new friend are not together right now but still friends because i want to do things right and give him a chance after i am divorced. But my mother will never accept him and told me if im with him she will disown me. She is retired and lives with me. my whole family is against me to be with him as well. Recently my husband wants to work it out again. He loves me so very much but i dont think i can face him ever again or his family. He tells me what i have with my friend is not real and i will regret it. But i cant help my feelings for my friend. He just makes me feel so happy. Everyone tells me its not real between us but i feel like they dont know him or how he makes me feel. Will my mom really accept him someday? Will we really have something special I love my husband will he really change and treat me like he says he will? Im sorry for it being so vague but im so confused. I want to believe i have something special buy at the same time i dont want others to live my life like i need to find out for myself. I'll be quite honest here, this post makes me angry because you sound like my wayward wife (WW) whom I'm currently divorcing. Will your husband change? He just might. By having an A, you've made it 2million times harder for him to prove himself, because he has to deal with his new issues with your unfaithfulness. You didn't really give him a chance, instead you planted a bomb in the M which will be very very hard to recover from. Statistically most relationships borne of an A fail, for the same reasons pteromom gave and more. You'll have a relationship founded on lies and deceit, how can you ever have trust? If you do love your husband, then give him a fair chance and be patient with him. He might have done bad things before the A, but now you've done something far worse to him and you have a LOT to prove. You are lucky he still wants to work things out. Then again, you have no kids. Maybe you should drop both men, it's probably not worth the effort if you are still so torn between them. Neither one will trust you, and shouldn't. You should probably just cut ties and move on and spare everyone the pain. Go to individual counseling, see if you can learn why you chose the cowardly way out of the marriage rather than dealing with your H's problems directly. Then when you find someone new(the honest way) do the right thing by them and deal with problems instead of sabotaging the M into an even worse place. I dunno, only you can decide...but I agree with your mother, you should not end up with the OM. Either drop them both, ending it cleanly, or give your H a chance if he still wants it. I fear you aren't willing to do what it takes though, it will be a long and hard road. 5
Furious Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 At 24 life is just beginning, it's way too young to commit to a long term relationship. I think you are at a different stage in life and it probably won't work out. 1
Joaquin Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 (edited) A 24 year old is just using you for an easy lay. You ain't no catch for a 24 year old that's gonna be chasing young 20 year old tail for the next 10 years. You made a bad choice lady. Edited May 26, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility and respect 4
BetrayedH Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 If your husband became controlling and disrespectful, why did you decide to cheat? Why did you not confront and fix the marriage or instead, choose divorce? It seems that you had problems and instead of fixing them (the point of your vows), you dropped a nuclear bomb on the marriage. And now you're expecting HIM to clean up the mess? That is really confusing to me. It seems to me that you are lucky that he is offering to stay and give you the chance to rectify what you've done. Yet, here you are again going the other direction. Does this show you why family is not supportive? Your husband owns half the marital problems but you need to own 100% of your decision to have an affair. You'd better start cleaning up after the nuke. I would also start to wonder, if your H is willing to stay with you after this, is he really that bad of a husband? It sounds like he is willing to do a lot for you. I would suggest that he must love you to go thru this. I bet he would do a lot to try to make you happy. But he can't compete with a fantasy (which is all this new relationship amounts to). Give it some time and throw in some real life problems, you'll see your 24 yo has some flaws, too. Would you then cheat on him? Again, much of this gets back to why you would make that decision. That seems to have much more to do with you than with your husband. I would also encourage you to consider that once someone engages in this sort of fantasy of rainbows and sunshine without any dirty dishes, it's common to look at the marriage and say, gosh, I've been unhappy for years. More likely, you had a normalized relationship and those aren't easy. Good luck. I hope you start to make some better choices. Give it a while and I'm not so sure you'll be proud of the ones you've been making so far (and you're stuck living with yourself forever, whether you divorce your husband or not).
Just_A_Poster Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I have been married to my husband for 10 years and no children and last year he lost his job and became controlling disrespectful to me and to make a long story short i was no longer happy. i met a coworker who is 24 (i am 34) and had an affair. Wow..so the minute the going got tough, your answer was to play around with a 24 year old guy? Chances are likely your youngin' isn't going to want to commit to you because he's at a completely different stage in life than you are. As someone else said, a guy his age is looking to chase 20 year old tail out at the clubs - not commit to a woman whose 10 years older and spend his Saturday nights watching reruns on TV with her. And don't be surprised when your 24 year old 'friend' - whose been put on ice waiting around for you to decide what you're going to do with your husband - loses patience and decides to move on with his life. 1
William Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Here's the topic: Is it real with my new man? Will my mom really accept him someday? Will we really have something special I love my husband will he really change and treat me like he says he will? This is an excellent topic to discuss relevant to the fog of an affair. Thread starter, use the 'alert us' button to contact a moderator to re-open the thread if you wish to continue receiving input and discussing this topic.
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