How long to wait for him to propose?

[Midget_gem]

Hi,

 

I'll try and keep this short and sweet. I'm 28, boyfriend is 27, been together just under 3 years (3 years in August), living together for a year and a half.

 

Both have physical disability which could reduce chances of becoming parents (mine especially, time is an issue as my body is deteriorating over time - don't get me wrong, I work full-time and am more than able to be a good parent, it's more that my body could fracture if I wait til I am too old to have kids)

 

We don't believe in kids before marriage. Boyfriend wants to pay of his 25 year morgage before getting married (thinks he can do it in 3 years - I did the math, he can't)

 

Also, I moved 30 miles away from friends and family to live with him and miss them dearly (see my family weekly but only for 3 hours at a time). I get really lonely. Other thing is I'm limiting the jobs I apply for to be with him (work an hours drive away which is okay but not great). there are jobs far further away (none near family).

 

Okay, my question is: should I set a limit on how long I am willing to wait for a formal commitment or learn to be patient? - was thinking of bringing up the conversation after our anniversary and if he is still not sure/ready I don't want to force him so wondered if it was better to leave him.

 

Any thoughts???

[pteromom]

Boyfriend wants to pay of his 25 year morgage before getting married (thinks he can do it in 3 years - I did the math, he can't)

 

Why? Did he give a reason for this, or is it just a way to put off marriage?

 

Have you discussed marriage, on a philosophical level? What are his attitudes toward it? Does he feel ready?

 

What is his attitude toward becoming a father? Is he excited about that possibility, or does he change the subject?

 

Three years is enough time to know whether you want to marry someone or not.

 

I would tell him straight up what you want. Tell him you want to get married. Tell him you want to start trying to have children soon after. Tell him that you don't care if his house is paid off - you don't want to put your life on hold waiting for that.

 

See what he says.

 

If he is not enthusiastic about getting married and having children, you have to decide which is more important to you - being with your boyfriend, or being married and having children. Then act accordingly.

[Midget_gem]

He did give a reason for wanting to pay off his mortgage first - he hates debt. Well, see that's what I'm wondering. He talks far more about paying off the mortgage than having any kind of future together. Sometimes I feel like he's only with me cos I make it easier for him to pay off his mortgage (or will when I start paying my share - have refused until I am on the deeds)

 

We have discussed marriage, he said 'within the next three years' if I use my savings to pay for it so he can concentrate on the mortgage.

 

He doesn't really talk about kids. Other than to say he had a dream that we had one, it was a nightmare.

 

I have told him and he shoots it down saying it's not practical and if I can magically improve our finances then great - I'm on £21k (but only for the next 6 months, then I'm on half that due to hours being cut) he is on 25k. He also points out that I have just started my career - how do I plan to juggle it with kids.

[pteromom]

I have told him and he shoots it down saying it's not practical and if I can magically improve our finances then great - I'm on £21k (but only for the next 6 months, then I'm on half that due to hours being cut) he is on 25k. He also points out that I have just started my career - how do I plan to juggle it with kids.

 

I don't understand - what kind of financial implications will getting married create? Do you want some giant expensive wedding or something?

 

If not, being married is no more expensive than being single. You already live together, so I don't get it. Spend the $40 (or whatever it is to go down to city hall and get a license there) and poof, you are married.

 

The singular focus on the mortgage and having no debt is a red flag to me. I fear that if you marry him, you'll be signing up for a life where you are begging for money to do things for the kids, yourself, etc.

 

It could be that no matter what EMOTIONS you have for him, what you want in life just is not compatible. If that's the case, it's better to walk away sooner so you can find someone who wants what you want.

[pteromom]

We have discussed marriage, he said 'within the next three years' if I use my savings to pay for it so he can concentrate on the mortgage.

 

Then there's THIS.

 

If he wanted to marry you, he'd be down on one knee asking you.

 

He doesn't want it, but he's willing to do it for you - just not now.

 

Do you really want to marry someone who is so lukewarm about the idea in the first place?

[Midget_gem]

Thank you, I truly appreciate your honesty, as hard as it was to hear.

 

I would very much doubt I have to beg for money - boyfriend is very sensible and despite trying to pay off his mortgage we still go holidays and dinners out and I can help myself to his money whenever I want (not that I do). We have a comfortable life despite his goal.

 

His other reason for the delay (he has given many) is that it's too soon and that his family doesn't rush things - I don't think he realises how close I am to leaving.

[pteromom]

I don't think he realises how close I am to leaving.

 

I think he needs to know.

 

You need to be honest with him about how important this is to you, and give him the option of stepping up.

 

Rather than pooping on your dreams of marriage and kids, if he wants to keep you, he needs to work with you to find a way to make it work. It's what a COUPLE does.

[KathyM]

I don't understand - what kind of financial implications will getting married create? Do you want some giant expensive wedding or something?

 

If not, being married is no more expensive than being single. You already live together, so I don't get it. Spend the $40 (or whatever it is to go down to city hall and get a license there) and poof, you are married.

 

The singular focus on the mortgage and having no debt is a red flag to me. I fear that if you marry him, you'll be signing up for a life where you are begging for money to do things for the kids, yourself, etc.

 

It could be that no matter what EMOTIONS you have for him, what you want in life just is not compatible. If that's the case, it's better to walk away sooner so you can find someone who wants what you want.

This is good advice. You are already living together. Money is not the real issue in why he doesn't want to get married yet. He is just using that as an excuse to stall. I could see money being an issue as to why he wants to hold off on having kids, but to hold off marrying you because of money makes no sense at all. My husband and I were college students with no money when we got married. He had a part-time job. We managed just fine. Sounds to me like this guy is not wanting to get married, but is stringing you along with hints that it may happen in the future. That's a no no. You've invested enough time into this relationship. Don't let him stall like this, or you will find yourself five years down the road with no ring or marriage in sight. I've seen it happen too many times with people I know--they invest years of their life thinking the guy will eventually propose, and when he finally doesn't, they find themselves in their mid thirties and having to start over from scratch. Tell him you feel you need to move forward with your life and move on to the next stage, which is marriage, and you are getting the impression he's not cut out for marriage. See what he says to that. Don't let him use finances as an excuse. Tell him you are not thinking to have children right away, so that's really not going to be an issue. Then, if he still stalls, tell him you really can't wait that long and perhaps it's time for you to move back to your home town and move on with your life. Don't let this guy waste the best years of your life with no progress.