toffeecream77 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I was looking and feeling my best in years. Was in his city for some work.Met up for half hour, made sure I kept it short. He didn't ask much about my life. Looked down into his coffee, looked miserable. I was happy, cheery, asked him lots and gave him encouraging comments re job, future etc. He's going n holiday with the girl he left me for. Things are going great. He lives with her. I'm upset. Kinda justifies the way he treated me towards the end. I wanted him to see me looking great etc...but now I'm just depressed again. It's almost been a year. Will I ever get over him? Will I ever find interest in someone else? I'm young, attractive and successful. I get plenty of attention. But I'm scared of another big disappointment. I'm crying as I type this message. The las year has been so hard for me. Yet he moved onto happier things. We spoke on skype this morning..he mentioned waking up next to his gf every morning. It still hurts just as much as when I first found out about them. I'm still not in a place where I can wish them all the best. I want them to fail. But they won't.
Rorschach64 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Why did you meet up with him? Why are you even still talking to him? Continuous exposure to your ex will only beget misery, anguish, and despair. This is typically why being friends with an ex is bad idea. You will get over him in time, you will find someone else, and life is full of disappointments as well as great times of joy and happiness. Though before you go and pursue another relationship, you have to find peace, resolve, and other such happy sunshine rainbow garbage from within yourself....don't seek it from someone else in the form of a relationship.
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Though before you go and pursue another relationship, you have to find peace, resolve, and other such happy sunshine rainbow garbage from within yourself....don't seek it from someone else in the form of a relationship. That's why I've been single for 8 months. Where as my ex drifts from one relationship to another. And he's happy. Perhaps I should be doing what hes doing. But I can't find that many people to like. So I continue to be alone. Doesn't bother me so much. I just wish I didn't care about my ex. I was making good progress -- thought it'd be good for me to see him looking and being my best in years. Why her and not me? Why did he build me up so much, travel across europe to declare his love, only for a week later to get together with her at the party he organised for me. The whole thing is so painful. I did nothing, nothing, to deserve it.
Rorschach64 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 He may be happy or he may not be, that's his problem. You should be more concerned on what makes you happy and not follow the example he has set. It happens Toffee, we all lapse in our own little ways and it is okay. I haven't thought of my ex f for awhile now and then all of a sudden she came back in to my mind randomly because of one dream. Well I understand the importance that question of why her and not you poses to you, but even if it was answered it wouldn't bring you peace. Why did my ex f toss me so casually aside even though I bent over backwards to travel to see her in Singapore from the US? Further more, even though I gave her my Grandma's engagement ring, why wasn't it enough? Everything I did to make her happy, why wasn't it enough? Answer: People are fickle and generally don't know what they want. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Why did you meet up with him and why are you skyping???
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 I really thought I could handle seeing him. And I did. I was the happy, confident one...he was the miserable one who looked into his coffee and didn't smile once. It's only after I returned home and spoke to him on Skype that things got me down. I miss him. And I feel awful that I still miss him after 8 months. He got together with her a week after we spilt up. He's had no time to miss me. I meant nothing. I guess that's the worst part for me. I'm doing everything possible to move on. I've been travelling, work is going well, I'm meeting new people, training for a marathon. I don't know what else to do. I'll go back to no contact but it hasn't helped that much.
Rorschach64 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Toffee, I am not 100% sure of your particular details of the break up but typically when someone does what he did it means he was thinking about it for awhile/he has this new girl in his cross hairs while with you. I am pretty sure you did mean something to him, not to get your hopes up or what not. Just stick to NC and give it time...lots of time infact. I am almost on 11 months NC and I still think of my ex from time to time, just keep going Good luck on your marathon!
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Thanks for your kind words and supprt, Rorsch. It's just so difficult even after 8 months. I'm having trouble letting go. If I could let go, which I thought I had, it wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't feel so much pain. I just miss him so much. Seeing him for half an hour wasn't enough. To be honest, I'm surprised he was so keen to meet up. Ever since the break up, he's been so cold and distant. He's not once asked me how I am. He's not once sent me a message. And even when we did meet, he looked so sad, staring into his coffee. I've never missed someone so much. I've never spent this long getting over someone. He meant a lot and I have a lot of regrets. Sooner or later, something has got to give!
Rorschach64 Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Toffee, You can let go and you will in time. You have to process everything, yes even after 8 months, because there is no offical time or date which you should be free of these emotions. Lack of better words, embrace the suck, 'cause if you keep fighting it, all you will do is prolong the suffering. I know you miss him and wish things could go back to the good times, when he would show concern and you would be the center of his attention. Though wishing to go back is not progress... Again, I am tracking on how you feel through all this, the meaning of the individual, how you never thought a person could make you feel so lonely to depressed, and the regrets. You could do a few things.... 1. Try to ignore it with various activities 2. Embrace it, think about what went wrong, how you could improve as a person, and most importantly you did everything possible could at the current time 3. Let it consume you and you can continue to talk with your ex
Sugarkane Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I wouldn't bother contacting this ex anymore if I was you OP. Does nothing but bring you down. 1
AmericanHoney Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I have never heard any good being friends with exes or never good idea to meet up with exes. Save yourself misery and go back to contact and stop crying and delete his number or block his number go back to healing you must save yourself and block him on skype! 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 What I struggle with is how much I miss him and our time together. I still miss him despite how bad he treated me towards the end. Despite this, I've kept in occasional contact. Yet he has never contacte me once even to ask how I am. I feel like I've lost my self respect. But then again, I have nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my friends think he looked sad and down into his cup of coffee because he was ashamed of how he treated me. He may be ashamed but he's not sorry -- he's still with that girl, they're pretty serious. I'm not so bothered about that anymore. Well, I am. He's already more serious about her, introduced her to his family etc -- I never had any of that. He drifts from one relationship to the other, I doubt the girl means much, he just needs to have somebody, anybody. I certainly didn't mean anything. Other things that don't help are how I'm struggling to find work and I'm just not interested in meeting someone new.
EmergenC Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Definitely think you might need some more NC for yourself to heal a little more. It sounds like you've never quite truly accepted the situation and until you reach that point your healing will just fester in circles. The only thing that strikes me is that as a guy. When i've moved on into a new relationship, I would be fully committed to that person. I don't give exes the time of day when i'm in love. It just doesn't feel right, it would feel like I was undermining my current partner. I like to keep hearts and slates clean and start out with as much fresh love and enthusiasm as I can muster. Trudging backwards to meet exes, especially after so short a time in a new relationship just doesn't wash with me. Something about that doesn't feel right. But i'd also say you need that NC, especially if you feel like you've been the one dropping the breadcrumbs for contact. If he wants you back let him do some running for a change. It's awkward because I feel you definitely need some NC to fully heal for yourself, and hope is a horrible burden sometimes. Then on the other hand, I find it suspicious from his POV that he would choose to meet up with you so soon into a new love/relationship. Tough one, but I honestly think NC is going to be very helpful for you either way.
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 EmergenC -- thanks for your post. It has been a while since the break up, 8 months in total. You're right, I think I need to go NC. Not because I an't handle my heartbreak and not being with him. Yeah, sure, I miss him. But I'm not sure I want him anymore. He broke my heart very badly and never looked back and never asked me how I was. He left me in such a brutal way. Unlike you, I like to keep in touch with exs. They're all good friends of mine, I still see them all and we get along fine. Except this one. He's friendly but I can just tell he'd rather I wasn't around. And I'm not. We live in different countries. He acted like he wanted to see me last week but he always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think he's an odd person, quite depressive and couldn't say a nice thing and just stared into his coffee. I thik I'm more traumatised by the whole experience than anything else and I just wish the bad feelings would go away because I'm not a bad person, I only loved him and I don't deserve to feel this way about someone who did not care about me in the slightest.
EmergenC Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Oh no don't get me wrong, i've stayed in touch with most of mine in a healthy fashion and after a significant length of time. I'd also consider my current partners feelings on the matter also. All of my exes i'm in touch with, it's just sporadic, detached touching base every 6 or 12 months. There's nothing emotionally involved and if my current partner doesn't like it, i'm quite happy to cut it out. My current ex was young and green and didnt like any contact whatsoever so it was no biggie to let them drop off. 8 months personally, I think is still way too soon on an emotional level for a total detachment. For both of you. Obviously it all depends on the people. But I think from a reasonably healthy relationship which didn't end with you either hating each others guts or realizing you're more like best friends (I personally find that the ultimate no-hope for reconciliation EVER scenario) , with 2 people that were genuinely in love in a long term relationship. 8 months is a blip. I honestly find it questionable that there's no ulterior motives for the meet on either side, even if it's him just testing his feelings for himself. I don't mean to give you hope because I know it's unhealthy sometimes, but if your relationship was as described above then i'd be scratching my head a little. If I was in his shoes I may or may not have responded at that point and perhaps said "i'm sorry but I think it's too soon for this". It does sound however like his respect for you has dropped towards the end of the relationship. And contacting him wont have done anything really to earn that back if he feels like he's still in the driving seat. I'd do my best to be a little more selfish for you. Return to NC and find a bit more stability under your feet again. Take care of yourself and try to forget what I said above because either way NC for you is going to be the right step forward!
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 EmergenC -- thanks for your reply. You're most certainly right, NC is probably best. We've gone a few months with NC but I find I miss him too much or I find I'm strong enough to just say hi. But his frosty replies and his miserable face last week is enough to put me off to NC again. I'm curious as to why he was so keen to meet up with me and why he was miserable when we met up. But it's probably not worth thinking about. You say 8 months is a blip. It doesn't feel like that though And don't worry about what you wrote. I know there is no hope. I told him I loved him but he didn't want to know. I told him I'd move back to his city to be with him, but he didn't want to know. He was already with someone else! We actually saw each other 10 days after he broke up with me. I didn't know he'd already got together with the other girl otherwise I wouln't have seen him. I tried to get him back etc but he didn't want to know. Anyway, I wasn't so keen to see him either way towards the end but I did. My ulterior reason was that I was looking very good, in his city doing some important work...I wanted him to see me at my best. But he couldn't say anything nice like I did with him. Sigh. I'll never win. At least I can hold my head up high and know that I would never sink as low as he did towards the end of our relationship.
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 So how do I get my self respect back? I thought him seeing me at my best, radiant and successful would hvae helped. But I made the mistake of chatting to him on skype where he told me about waking up next to his girlfriend every morning. Then when I asked him about a salary of a job I'm applying to, he replies in a friendly way, that that's what people at the bottom of his career ladder makes...lol and it is a well paid job, the one I asked him about. Couldn't help but think he phrased it that way on purpose. And he's not even on that career ladder yet.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 So how do I get my self respect back? I thought him seeing me at my best, radiant and successful would hvae helped. But I made the mistake of chatting to him on skype where he told me about waking up next to his girlfriend every morning. Then when I asked him about a salary of a job I'm applying to, he replies in a friendly way, that that's what people at the bottom of his career ladder makes...lol and it is a well paid job, the one I asked him about. Couldn't help but think he phrased it that way on purpose. And he's not even on that career ladder yet. you get your self respect back by stopping contact and no more Skype. Sounds like he enjoys taking little digs at you. What mature man would tell his ex, when feeling are still raw, that he enjoys waking up to his g/f? and what kind of man puts down someone's career choice idea, especially if it's a lucrative career that can open doors in the future? He sounds jealous and catty. Be done with him. No good can come of contacting hm anymore. 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 you get your self respect back by stopping contact and no more Skype. Sounds like he enjoys taking little digs at you. What mature man would tell his ex, when feeling are still raw, that he enjoys waking up to his g/f? and what kind of man puts down someone's career choice idea, especially if it's a lucrative career that can open doors in the future? He sounds jealous and catty. Be done with him. No good can come of contacting hm anymore. I agree about him being jealous and catty. But then I wonder if it's just me taking it the wrong way and cherrypicking the horrible bits? After all, everyone wants the one who broke your heart to be bad, right? Some of my friends have suggested that he has mental problems. He once said he thought he might have bipolar. But I thought borderline personality disorder. Then I stopped myself and thought: I don't want to be one of these people who make up a mental illness for the guy who didn't want me. I'm not sure if he is a bad person as such (well, the way he dumped me for this other girl, by email, and a week after travelling across europe to declare his love for me) or if he's just cold and emotionally inept. Either way, NC is the best way now. He's given me no reasons to be friends either. He couldnt say anything nice about me -- despite my looking good, being flown into his country to report on a high profile meeting etc. Even tho I kept encoueaging him to find a new job that suits him, wishing him luck with exams etc.
Rorschach64 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 toffee, Down and dirty, do any of your posed questions even matter? The only thing that matters is that he isn't willing to be with you and more exposure to him is bad. Though, with the mental illness/emotional jacked up-ness it is up to him to come to the conclusion that he has a problem and decides he needs to seek help. No matter how good you were to him or how high your self worth is does not matter in the end, repeating myself again--I know , he still chooses not to be with you. I am glad you decided on NC being the best shot for your mental health 1
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