confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 (edited) Ok, here's my story: Married 15 years two kids, 13 and 10. I married my high school sweetheart 15 years ago. In the beginning we hadare problems just like most couples. During the past 15 years I've never beenunfaithful, and I thought the same of my wife. That was until two months ago.Back in January my wife got a facebook account, it started out ok; she was reconnectingto old friends and having fun. In March I noticed she became distant andstarted guarding her phone. So one night when she fell asleep before me I gother phone and found out that everything was blocked. This set off all thealarms in my head because we have never been this way. So I took her memorycard out and put it in my phone. I first saw pictures of some guy that he hadtaken of himself either laying in bed or just face shots. None of the pictureswere sexual, but I still did not like her have pictures of this guy on herphone. What really set me off was when I looked at the videos. There were 3videos of her pleasuring herself. Well we didn't have sex that night nor forthe past month. So I knew the videos were not for me. So the next day I confronted her about it. She lied of course, she told methat her and that guy have never talked on the phone and at most sent 10 textsthat was it. And the videos were for me but her phone would not let her sendthem. The only true part to that was that her phone won't let her send outvideos. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth so I pulled up the phone billfor the last month and found out that her and this guy had been texting eachother for about 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks she had sent him over 2000 text. Andthey had also talked to each other twice. Once for 3 min and then 22 min. Once I told her I had checked the bill the truth started coming out, shetold me that her and this guy had been sending nude pictures back and forwardand sexting. I know she never met him because right now we only have one car,and it is my truck. We also work together so I know she never met up thereeither. But I also know that if she would have had a way she probably would havedone something with him. After finding out all of this I of course was pissed and made her cancel herfacebook and I also put a data tracker on her phone. She still doesn't knowabout that part. But it is just a way for me to know if she is telling me thetruth like she says she is now. After about a month went by I was able to calm down and tell her I doforgive her but that I can't trust her right now. You have to understand howmuch I love my wife. Take what love you have from your family and amplify it1000 times and you would be getting close. So because I love her the way I do Iwas able to see past this and try to work on us. Also I wanted to add thatduring this time she was texting the other guy I was there every day tellingher I love her, I can truly say none of the blame is on me. My wife could notask for a more devoted and loving Husband. OK, so after I told her I want us to work she told me the only way it couldwas if she told me everything. So, 11 years ago she had an affair with someone.She told me that they kissed, had sex once and she jacked him off once. Shesaid she could not live with what she did and felt awful for it. She said allthe sexual stuff happened on one day. After that she said she never contactedhim and has not heard or seen from him since. Hearing all of that damn near killed me. But since it did happen 11 yearsago and she came out and told me about it. I again was able to forgive her.Call me crazy but I truly love her. She is all I have ever wanted. I fell inlove with her in 9th grade and my love for her has grown since. She has since told me that she realizes that she screwed up and that she wasnever the wife that I deserved, but she wants to be. I can honestly say she haschanged she tells me she loves me more and she shows it more. But here's the part where I’m trying to cope, I am scared to death that shewill do it again. Maybe 5, 10 or 15 years from now she may fall back to thatsame place that she was in that made her do this before. How do I get past thatand how to I get to where I can trust her again? Edited May 25, 2012 by confusedhusband33
CarrieT Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Edited for clarity - and a word to the OP; best to not cut-and-paste... Ok, here's my story: Married 15 years two kids, 13 and 10. I married my high school sweetheart 15 years ago. In the beginning we had problems just like most couples. During the past 15 years I've never been unfaithful, and I thought the same of my wife. That was until two months ago.Back in January my wife got a Facebook account, it started out ok; she was reconnecting with old friends and having fun. In March I noticed she became distant and started guarding her phone. So one night when she fell asleep before me I gather phone and found out that everything was blocked. This set off all the alarms in my head because we have never been this way. So I took her memory card out and put it in my phone. I first saw pictures of some guy that he had taken of himself either laying in bed or just face shots. None of the pictures were sexual, but I still did not like her have pictures of this guy on her phone. What really set me off was when I looked at the videos. There were 3 videos of her pleasuring herself. Well we didn't have sex that night nor for the past month. So I knew the videos were not for me. So the next day I confronted her about it. She lied of course, she told me that her and that guy have never talked on the phone and at most sent 10 texts that was it. And the videos were for me but her phone would not let her send them. The only true part to that was that her phone won't let her send out videos. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth so I pulled up the phone bill for the last month and found out that her and this guy had been texting each other for about 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks she had sent him over 2000 text. And they had also talked to each other twice. Once for 3 min and then 22 min. Once I told her I had checked the bill the truth started coming out, she told me that her and this guy had been sending nude pictures back and forward and sexting. I know she never met him because right now we only have one car,and it is my truck. We also work together so I know she never met up the reeither. But I also know that if she would have had a way she probably would have done something with him. After finding out all of this I of course was pissed and made her cancel her Facebook and I also put a data tracker on her phone. She still doesn't know about that part. But it is just a way for me to know if she is telling me the truth like she says she is now. After about a month went by I was able to calm down and tell her I do forgive her but that I can't trust her right now. You have to understand how much I love my wife. Take what love you have from your family and amplify it 1,000 times and you would be getting close. So because I love her the way I do I was able to see past this and try to work on us. Also I wanted to add that during this time she was texting the other guy I was there every day telling her I love her, I can truly say none of the blame is on me. My wife could not ask for a more devoted and loving Husband. OK, so after I told her I want us to work she told me the only way it could was if she told me everything. So, 11 years ago she had an affair with someone. She told me that they kissed, had sex once and she jacked him off once. She said she could not live with what she did and felt awful for it. She said all the sexual stuff happened on one day. After that she said she never contacted him and has not heard or seen from him since. Hearing all of that damn near killed me. But since it did happen 11 years ago and she came out and told me about it. I again was able to forgive her. Call me crazy but I truly love her. She is all I have ever wanted. I fell in love with her in 9th grade and my love for her has grown since. She has since told me that she realizes that she screwed up and that she was never the wife that I deserved, but she wants to be. I can honestly say she has changed she tells me she loves me more and she shows it more. But here's the part where I’m trying to cope, I am scared to death that she will do it again. Maybe 5, 10 or 15 years from now she may fall back to that same place that she was in that made her do this before. How do I get past that and how to I get to where I can trust her again?
Bellechica Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Ask your wife to begin individual therapy. She really needs to work on changing her behavior and understand how she was able to betray you. She needs to show you that she is willing to do all it takes to reconnect with you and put you first in her life. All the best to you both.....
bosunmate Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Edited for clarity - and a word to the OP; best to not cut-and-paste... Sorry you are going through this, your wife has shown you she can't be trusted. You two need some professional help, i would watch her like a hawk for now...Good luck
Author confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 I do watch her now more than ever, but doing that makes me sick. One it makes me think of everything that has happened over and over again. Two i feel if this is going to work i can't watch her all the time. I need to be able to say i know my wife won't do this again. I want to be able to trust her but i just can't.
JustJoe Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 The answer to your questions are probably not what you want to hear. Your wife has the makings of a serial cheater. She is willing and able to lie to you to your face, hide things from you and disrespect your marriage and forget her vows. So she had an affair 11 years ago and it took her that long to tell you, and she said she couldn't live with herself? Please....she lived with herself for 11 years , didn't she? AND, she is repeating that behavior now. At this point, you really don't know how many affairs she has had , do you? Almost all WS'S will tell only the bare minimum, unless forced to do so. This is called trickle-truthing. This seems to be what she is doing to you. You need to consider this and ask yourself if you can live with the three major possibilities: 1. if there were more affairs 2. Could it happen again? 3. That she is a liar. The fact that she is still in contact with him , after telling you she was not, proves it. IMO, you need to begin the process of protecting yourself, financially, emotionally and physically (STD's) and also consider whether to divorce or not. You have given her two chances to be a good wife. The first, when you married her, the second when you forgave her after her EA and sexting, and she failed both times. Do you really want to give her a third chance?
jnj express Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Of course she'll cheat again---why shouldn't she---all you do is get somewhat mad, then grovel, then profess undying love By the way, how DOES ONE love someone, who prefers other men to you. For the last 11 years, your mge., has been a sham----If you honestly think she only messed with #1, one time, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you. For most of their lives, your kids, have had a mother, who has cheated on them, would just have soon as, had another man, as their father----I wonder what made her stop, I wonder how long that A., really went on---cuz you really have no idea, do you---all you can go on, is what this woman who is your so-called wife, and so-called mother of your kids, tells you---BUT GUESS WHAT---SHE LIES REAL EASY. So now its happening again---- I have one question for you---WHAT ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES HAVE EVER BEEN PUT IN PLACE, WHAT ACCOUNTABILITY IS IN PLACE, IS THERE THE SLIGHTEST IOTA OF CONTRITENESS, REMOURSE, ANYTHING?????? Without some kind of ACTION on your part, she will cheat again---why you might ask---CUZ SHE CAN, CUZ YOU ALLOW HER TO. You may love this woman to death, but for a goodly portion of your mge---you got to wonder, who it is she loves---she certainly has no problem with/about hooking up with other men. In all reality, she may have cheated a number of times, with a number of men----you don't know, you will never really know, why ---CUZ SHE LIES. You are now gonna spend a very great part of the rest of your life, in misery, being a parole officer, worrying about every little thing that is the tiniest bit out of the ordinary----is that what you signed on for when you took vows---- You love her so much---she doesn't care---what she cares about is excitement with other men---what she cares about is foreign spice---she doesn't really worry about the kids---why should she--she has you to take care of everything, so this way she can just go find strange men, when she decides she wants some excitement, and fun in her life---for you must see---that you are just the boring old H. You want your eyes opened---go over to cheaterville.com, and read, and then get sick. As to what you should do---read all the posts, on the various threads, if you really wanna straighten out your life---read, you will find out what is needed to be done I know I have been extremely harsh, but this is a harsh ballgame, and there can be no groveling, and I Love You, for that doesn't stop ANYTHING!!!!!!!!
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I do watch her now more than ever, but doing that makes me sick. One it makes me think of everything that has happened over and over again. Two i feel if this is going to work i can't watch her all the time. I need to be able to say i know my wife won't do this again. I want to be able to trust her but i just can't. You can't trust her because she hasn't done the hard work to EARN your trust back. She needs long term counseling to find out WHY she cheated. Find out what is broken within HER that made her consider cheating. Why she hid all of it. She also needs to end all contact with her OM and focus on healing your M. Until she does all the work...you are basically in limbo waiting to see if she will do it. What HAS she accomplished since you found out? Words mean nothing (I'm sorry) - her ACTIONS and behavior need to SHOW she's sorry. But until she finds out why she did it - you have no basis to think anything has changed.
drifter777 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I'm sorry for you and understand what you are going through as do most of us here on LS. Unfortunately for you, Joe is right. I would go further in that when he says she is probably lying, I would simply accept the fact that she is lying. Right now you just don't know the extent of her lying. Of course, she will never tell you the whole truth, but you deserve to know the "major" facts like how many guys she has had sex with, how many times with each, how long these affair(s) lasted, and what sexual acts did they do. If she tells you all of these facts, she is still lying but it is the most you are going to get out of her unless she believes it is in her best interest (like you are walking out the door) to tell you any more. Try to accept that fact. I really do know what it is like to have a wife you love and trust completely betray you by giving herself to another man. Realize that you are in a state of shock - your emotional world has been turned upside down. You find yourself questioning all the things in your life you simply accepted as truths before this horrible discovery. This is all typical and will probably get worse when the mind-moves begin - the ones starring your wife and other men having all kinds of sex. What you are experiencing right now is one of the deepest trauma's that you will ever have to endure. Based on your original and subsequent postings it seems as though you are simply lost and looking for help on what to do next. My advice is to go see a counselor as soon as possible. Lay it all out for them - all of it - and let them help you begin to sort out all of your emotions. The decisions on how to proceed with your marriage are all up to you at this point, but you need someone to guide you through this mess. Marriage counseling is likely an option if you decide you want to reconcile, but individual counseling is a must at this point. You are probably going to need your wife to come clean and tell you the whole truth at some point or you have little chance of repairing your marriage. The trust you had in your wife and the marriage you had before her cheating will never be the same. Many people are able to reconcile after infidelity, many are not. You need to do what's right for you and that will take some time before you are ready to make that decision. 1
standtall Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 So, 11 years ago she had an affair with someone.She told me that they kissed, had sex once and she jacked him off once. Shesaid she could not live with what she did and felt awful for it. She said allthe sexual stuff happened on one day. After that she said she never contactedhim and has not heard or seen from him since. Confused, sorry to suggest, but what she confessed to 11yrs ago is probably 1/10 of what she did with him. It is called the trickle truth and she will give it too you bits at a time in the mistaken perception that it will be easier for you to handle. There is a lot more that she isn't telling you, either form the past or the most recent. Red flags all around. 1
Author confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 I know I've not been told everything that happened between her and the guy from 11 years ago. But knowing what i do is enough, I don't care to know all of the details. I did at first but since she came clean on that I've just not wanted to talk about it anymore. I do feel that she has given me most of the truth, and the only reason i say this is she came to me with it, on her own. Granted it took her 11 years but she said she wanted to have everything out there with me once i told her i wanted us to work. She could have said she does to and never said anything about the affiar, but she didn't. She came clean on her own. All i knew about that time in our marriage was that we were having some problems. I was working nights and we never really seen each other. I never suspected that she was having an affair. She has told me over and over again that the guy from 11 years ago was the only other man she had been with except me. I think that is another thing that kills me is that for 15 years i always thought that was something we had only shared with each other. I can't sit here and say i believe her that he was the only other man, knowing what i do now. It makes me question the guys she was with before me or anything that i've not been told about. As to the response about STD's, I'm way ahead of you. The week she told me about this i was at my Dr's office. Everything checked out ok. I also wanted to clear something up the guy from 11 years ago and the one from the sexting were different guys. And i've actually went as far as talking to the Sexting guy, he swore up and down that nothing else happened, not that he didn't try but that she would always tell him she can't cause she was always with me. Another thing that worries is that since she came clean she (in the beginning) told me to go out have an affair or a threesome and for me to pick the girl, anything so i could get back at her. I told her that even knowing what i do i still couldn't do that to her. I would hate to know that i had done that and that she would look at me and know i did that. That worries me cause it makes me see just how she values the marriage.
Author confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Since everything has came out she has cancelled her facebook and asked everynight since if i want to look at her phone. She has also been working on showing that she cares for me and loves me. I do see a change in her i really do. I just fear that she will do it again one day.
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Since everything has came out she has cancelled her facebook and asked everynight since if i want to look at her phone. She has also been working on showing that she cares for me and loves me. I do see a change in her i really do. I just fear that she will do it again one day. Is she in counseling? Does she know why she cheated twice?
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Another thing that worries is that since she came clean she (in the beginning) told me to go out have an affair or a threesome and for me to pick the girl, anything so i could get back at her. I told her that even knowing what i do i still couldn't do that to her. I would hate to know that i had done that and that she would look at me and know i did that. That worries me cause it makes me see just how she values the marriage. It's very disrespectful to the marital vow for one cheater to attempt to offer you to cheat in order to level the playing field... She's lowering the bar for the healthy marriage. It doesn't look good for you... She's not coming at this from a healthy mindset. She's offering to dump more crap and confusion into your marriage by muddying the waters even more. I'd bet money she's cheated way more than she has admitted. Why are you willing to stay with a twice cheater? Deep inside of her what has SHE changed? She may be sorry she got caught - but not sorry she did it. 2
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Since you state you really don't want to know more details - how is it helpful to the marriage to live in this kind of denial? Ask YOUR counselor to help you get past YOUR DENIAL of NOT wanting to know! 1
Author confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 I wouldn't call it in denail, it is more that i already know what happened without the words being said. Do you know what i mean? I already see it everytime i close my eyes. Why do i need to hear more of it? And to answer your question on how i can stay with her; I love her. I try to think of life without her in it. I try to see us apart and going our separate ways. But i just can't, it hurts me more to think of not having her.
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I wouldn't call it in denail, it is more that i already know what happened without the words being said. Do you know what i mean? I already see it everytime i close my eyes. Why do i need to hear more of it? And to answer your question on how i can stay with her; I love her. I try to think of life without her in it. I try to see us apart and going our separate ways. But i just can't, it hurts me more to think of not having her. So you plan to stay. She will cheat again. Mainly because you have given no solid consequences for her piss poor behavior. You will get what you want - she will stay. But at your cost. Betraying yourself is the worst kind. No one can help you when you don't intend to change a thing. Good luck with that. Oh - and it IS denial! Don't mistake that! Not wanting to know what is real is denial!
Author confusedhusband33 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Ok, so what consequences can i give her? I'm not going to tell her that you do that one more time and then we are done. What would that show her? Nothing. I've told her many times how badly she has hurt me, I've told her that i don't know if i will ever trust her again. Right now i can't tell her that i will. I've told her that i am scared that she is just going to do it again. That is why i am at a loss on what to do. I love her more than anything but at the same time I can't trust her. And for us to work I will need to be able to again one day.
drifter777 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I wouldn't call it in denail, it is more that i already know what happened without the words being said. Do you know what i mean? I already see it everytime i close my eyes. Why do i need to hear more of it? And to answer your question on how i can stay with her; I love her. I try to think of life without her in it. I try to see us apart and going our separate ways. But i just can't, it hurts me more to think of not having her. You may not call it denial, but most of us do. What you see every time you close your eyes now is going to continue to get worse as your imagination begins to fill in the details you say you don't want to know. I know you cannot imagine life without your wife - that's part of the state of shock and denial you are currently in. It's typical, we've all been there. If you came to LS for help, support, and advice then you should acknowledge that many of us understand where you are right now and are trying to help you avoid the mistakes we made. Get in to see a counselor - you really need professional help right now. Accept that you are not thinking clearly right now and are in no condition to make decisions that effect the rest of you life. I always advise the betrayed husband to find a way to put some physical and psychological distance between you and your wife for a week or so. If you stay where you are she will continue to manipulate you using sex and anything else she can to so you will "put this behind us - we need to get over it". In your confused, desperate condition you will be tempted to try anything to get her to back and make things "normal" again. Doing this without acknowledging the full damage her betrayal has caused you and working through all of your emotions is a recipe for an even bigger disaster. You cannot pretend this didn't happen or that what she did is ok because it is your fault. It just won't work and you will grow to resent and hate her over time. Face it all now and you have a chance to reconcile. Waiting will bring you more agony then you are feeling now. 1
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 She hasn't yet. Big problem. Since she hasn't made the effort to find out WHY she cheated and fix what is broken inside her - you have nothing to work with but a broken woman and a broken marriage. Why is THAT enough for you to stay? You love her? You love that she's cheated several times? Because her BEHAVIOR IS part of WHO she is as a person!!!! Do you not see that? You love her? Does she work? She NEEDS to work! She has TOO MUCH time to find trouble! She needs to move! Can you see why she needs to earn money? She needs to support herself! She needs counseling!!!! Why hasn't she gone in the past w months? What are your boundaries? To forgive and forget simply is not healthy - its not enough.
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 What is she waiting for? For him to expect SOMETHING rather than NOTHING! She's not gonna change a thing unless she has to!
Furious Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I'm very sorry for the pain and shock you're going through right now. For the majority of betrayed spouses the person and the life you knew no longer exits. My advice to you would be to find the strength to make her go. Show her by your actions that what she's done has consequences. Reconciliation can only be achieved if she realizes that what she has risked losing. Then it's up to her to do everything in her power to win your love and trust back.
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 And YOU need counseling to find out why you are willing to settle for so little! Your M isn't what you thought it was! It's not what she pretended it was. She isn't the wife you THOUGHT she COULD BE! So - you see - she has created a marriage based on an illusion. And therefore you are attempting to hang onto an illusion - which isn't possible. You are hanging on to to farce! The farce is what she has offered. Why would you even be willing to settle for so little? Find out why YOU don't think YOU DESERVE more than a farce for a wife?
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