One disturbing sign you've been FZ'ed

[irc333]

When you're out on a "date" with a woman, and you happen to be out in public or at an event that involves interacting with OTHER people or other couples....when a THIRD party asks.

 

"So, how did you guys meet?"

 

And the woman you intend on dating says, "Oh, we're just friends, we're not together!"

 

OUCH!

 

Of course, she may be just SAYING that to people out in public, I dunno.

 

Gentleman, ever have this happen to you?

[Art_Critic]

She is keeping all her options open..

By the way.. she isn't into you if she does that..

[Mrlonelyone]

Dude that's not being "friendzoned" that's a total disrespect towards you as a human being. If one is on a date then until they end that date they should act like it.

 

When that happens just walk away instantly.

[irc333]

oh okay, the senarios have been varying in my case....there was a woman that asked me to Trivia night at a local coffee house.

 

I actually didn't really think of her in "that way", because she was quite much older than me (55), but me and he met a few strangers and she became friends with another female of that group. It hink she was just networking, but....it wasn't a blow to me anyhow, but it did get me to thinking about women I DID want to date...and how third parties would ALWAYS ask that awkward question in public.

 

But, can you necessarily put the blame on a 3rd party putting ya on the spot like that? Not really.

 

 

She is keeping all her options open..

By the way.. she isn't into you if she does that..

 

I should've joked with it and said, "It's completely carnal" lol

[oaks]

Gentleman, ever have this happen to you?

 

No, but if it does I hope to have enough wits about me to immediately say "Oh. I thought we were on a date." and see how she reacts to that. Could just be that she's embarrassed to admit that she's on a date, or could be that I misread the situation, or could be a cause for walking away.

[Mrlonelyone]

Could just be that she's embarrassed to admit that she's on a date, or could be that I misread the situation, or could be a cause for walking away.

 

No if someone denies being on a date with you walk away.

[irc333]

Well, perhaps she was unsure it was a date?

 

It was funny last night, the people asking thought I met her online. LOL. But we met in RL (For a change)

 

 

No, but if it does I hope to have enough wits about me to immediately say "Oh. I thought we were on a date." and see how she reacts to that. Could just be that she's embarrassed to admit that she's on a date, or could be that I misread the situation, or could be a cause for walking away.

 

There was this one woman I met on POF.....I was going on a group hike and the trial head was pretty close to where she lived. So I decided that we just meet there for the hike....I think she was looking for new friends since her divorce, as opposed to anything romantic.

 

We spent most of our time together on the hike though...talking, but would mingle with others here an there. One of the women asked her if we were a couple or something, and she didn't say we were a copule persay.

 

But people DO tend to meet, and start dating through group activities though, in a mor serendipidous way.

Edited May 25, 2012 by irc333

[zengirl]

When you're out on a "date" with a woman, and you happen to be out in public or at an event that involves interacting with OTHER people or other couples....when a THIRD party asks.

 

"So, how did you guys meet?"

 

And the woman you intend on dating says, "Oh, we're just friends, we're not together!"

 

OUCH!

 

Of course, she may be just SAYING that to people out in public, I dunno.

 

 

This could happen for 3 reasons:

1. She really thought y'all were hanging out as friends. After all, what's a "date" in quotations?

 

2. She didn't want to assume it was a date in case YOU didn't see it that way.

 

3. Some other weirder thing, like embarrassment to admit she's out with you even if she wanted to be, etc, etc.

 

But first, what the heck is a "date" --- if someone asks you to trivia, as your later example gives, I wouldn't necessarily consider that a date, especially where there was an age difference and y'all hadn't expressed any kind of romantic interest, etc. I ask men to friendly situations all the time, even though I'm married; they ARE generally group situations, but trivia sounds kind of group-ish, if she knew the other folks that go, etc.

 

Dude that's not being "friendzoned" that's a total disrespect towards you as a human being. If one is on a date then until they end that date they should act like it.

 

When that happens just walk away instantly.

 

If it is a date, I absolutely agree. If it was not properly established AS a date, it is harder to say. I say never go on a "date" in quotations and assume it is a date, proper.

[xxoo]

Well, perhaps she was unsure it was a date?

 

Were you sure it was a date? Why would anyone be unsure?

 

If you were just out as friends, there is nothing wrong with what she said.

 

I don't understand how there is any confusion about whether you are on a date or not??

 

I should've joked with it and said, "It's completely carnal" lol

 

Yes!

 

Or, in response to "we're just friends" you add "....with benefits"

[Mrlonelyone]

Ah but Zengirl. The thing is many people will not call a date a "date". They even recoil away from doing datey things while on a date.

 

Then there is the very real closeting reaction. The person denying that it is a date feels judged for being on a date with the person they are with. It happens in many context.

 

I named the phenomena after a situation where a straight acting possibly closeted gay man is out with his not so straight acting lover. When people start to make comments rather than standing pat, he distances himself.

 

This happens in straight situations too.

 

That 55 year old woman may have wanted a nice young strong man to rattle her rafters. 55 is not to old to want to have sex. How old is Demi Moore and she was married to Ashton Kutcher. 55 is not much older than Demi.

 

If people at that group thing were perhaps giving her grief about being there with a younger man or even just disapproving looks suddenly it's not a date.

[zengirl]

Ah but Zengirl. The thing is many people will not call a date a "date". They even recoil away from doing datey things while on a date.

 

I hear about this on here all the time, but post-HS and college have never seen it IRL. In HS and college, it's typically because women don't want to seem too eager, like they're trying to pin a guy down (and I guess some beta type males reciprocate that notion), but most grow out of that bull**** and learn to call a spade a spade if they're going to be successful.

 

At any rate, if you don't choose to operate in gray areas, you certainly don't have to. I've never been on a "date" in quotations as far as I know. If it IS a gray area, then BOTH people are responsible for that and NEITHER can have any expectations in my book.

[irc333]

She wasn't too bad looking for a 55 year old, actually had a nice little figure on her, but.....there's just a certain threshold where the age starts to make me feel like she's my Aunt or something. lol

 

I'm really doing what's called social proofing or building social capital, just being seen with other women would probably be appealing to other women.

 

Sometimes she'd bend over near me or in front of me, looking at other's peoples answers to he announced Trivia questions (because we couldn't say anything allowed, didn't want other teams to hear) and she say things like "Woops, sorry, didn't mean to bend over in front of you."

 

(She does have a cute butt, you don't see that many cute butts for people her age where I live, lol)

 

Or she'd keep apologizing when she kept getting closer to my personal space.

 

After it was all done, she asked me to walk her to her car....we didn't kiss , just hug good night.

But I really had no expectations, so I guess I'm going on the right track/attitude.

 

 

Ah but Zengirl. The thing is many people will not call a date a "date". They even recoil away from doing datey things while on a date.

 

Then there is the very real closeting reaction. The person denying that it is a date feels judged for being on a date with the person they are with. It happens in many context.

 

I named the phenomena after a situation where a straight acting possibly closeted gay man is out with his not so straight acting lover. When people start to make comments rather than standing pat, he distances himself.

 

This happens in straight situations too.

 

That 55 year old woman may have wanted a nice young strong man to rattle her rafters. 55 is not to old to want to have sex. How old is Demi Moore and she was married to Ashton Kutcher. 55 is not much older than Demi.

 

If people at that group thing were perhaps giving her grief about being there with a younger man or even just disapproving looks suddenly it's not a date.

[dasein]

Date or no date, "we're just friends," is an inappropriate public or group reply to a question that doesn't ask about the status of the relationship. How rude it is depends on context. "We are just friends" is a fine reply to questions about the nature of the relationship, "how long have you two been seeing each other?" for example. If it's that big a deal to delineate the nature of the relationship at social events, and I can't imagine such a scenario, people should be told privately. This kind of rudeness hasn't happened to me, but have seen it many times and it makes me cringe a little when I hear it. If a woman pulled that on me, I'd make a subtle point of hitting on other women.

[irc333]

Are you saying it was rude for a 3rd party observer to be asking? Or the response to the question by the woman I'm with was rude.

 

I'm just noticing this has been asked by OTHER people in group situations, "So how did you guys meet?" or "How long have you guys been together/dating"

 

Or different variant phrasings of the questions.

 

Is the question rude, or it the reply rude?

 

 

Date or no date, "we're just friends," is an inappropriate public or group reply to a question that doesn't ask about the status of the relationship. How rude it is depends on context. "We are just friends" is a fine reply to questions about the nature of the relationship, "how long have you two been seeing each other?" for example. If it's that big a deal to delineate the nature of the relationship at social events, and I can't imagine such a scenario, people should be told privately. This kind of rudeness hasn't happened to me, but have seen it many times and it makes me cringe a little when I hear it. If a woman pulled that on me, I'd make a subtle point of hitting on other women.

[Mrlonelyone]

@irc

 

Her bending over like that multiple times was not a "mistake". She may not have done it conciously but it was flirting in the strongest way. For millions of years with no clothes in the way a woman bending over in front of a man was assuming the mating position. That is the environment our unconscious mind evolved for.

 

 

She had some level of interest in you. She also got a sense of just how disapproved of dating you would be given the age difference and genders. (A 55 year old man dating a 35 or 25 year old woman does not get as many dirty looks).

 

That said, being seen with her will not build up the rep you want. You need to be seen with a woman of mating and reproducing age by others of that age.

[zengirl]

Date or no date, "we're just friends," is an inappropriate public or group reply to a question that doesn't ask about the status of the relationship. How rude it is depends on context. "We are just friends" is a fine reply to questions about the nature of the relationship, "how long have you two been seeing each other?" for example. If it's that big a deal to delineate the nature of the relationship at social events, and I can't imagine such a scenario, people should be told privately. This kind of rudeness hasn't happened to me, but have seen it many times and it makes me cringe a little when I hear it. If a woman pulled that on me, I'd make a subtle point of hitting on other women.

 

"How did you meet?" implies a question to the nature of the relationship in many social settings, and I could certainly understand a single person not wanting to be confused as taken in any social setting --- how are you ever going to meet everyone if it's assumed you're taken?

 

Of course, a more smoothly worded answer, like, "We met at a hiking group - both of us were looking for new friends" type thing that conveys the proper level of non-attachment without seeming abrupt is better, of course.

 

I think it's ALWAYS a big deal to delineate the nature of a R to yourselves and others to avoid the "date" in quotations scenarios, being seen as taken when not or single when taken, etc, etc. Why is clarity ever a bad thing?

[xxoo]

This kind of rudeness hasn't happened to me, but have seen it many times and it makes me cringe a little when I hear it. If a woman pulled that on me, I'd make a subtle point of hitting on other women.

 

I don't see it as rudeness, or pulling anything.

 

But, sure, if you are out with a woman you are not dating, consider her no different from a male friend. If you see someone you are interested in, flirt away!

 

However, if this is a woman you want to date--"I'd like to take you on a proper date. How about dinner on Friday?" leaves no question in the matter.

[thatone]

When you're out on a "date" with a woman, and you happen to be out in public or at an event that involves interacting with OTHER people or other couples....when a THIRD party asks.

 

"So, how did you guys meet?"

 

And the woman you intend on dating says, "Oh, we're just friends, we're not together!"

 

OUCH!

 

Of course, she may be just SAYING that to people onut in public, I dunno.

 

Gentleman, ever have this happen to you?

 

lol, i've been the third party in that conversation recently.

 

girl at my neighborhood bar, her and this guy are talking about a city i used to live in, i mention that i used to live there to join in the conversation and apologize while doing so about "interrupting what sounds like first date conversation" and then she throws out the 'just friends' comment.

 

poor guy melted on the spot.

 

worst thing is she ducked out on him and so i kept conversing with him to get on to his facebook to find out who she was so i could approach her. and the reason he struck out was her making a religious joke and him getting offended by it, by all indication (she wasn't religious, he was).

 

so i guess that means if there's a hell i'm well on my way to it. but on the other hand i never found out who she was so never got a chance to complete the full scale trouncing all over overly-religious-guy.

[dasein]

"How did you meet?" implies a question to the nature of the relationship in many social settings, and I could certainly understand a single person not wanting to be confused as taken in any social setting --- how are you ever going to meet everyone if it's assumed you're taken?

 

It doesn't matter what the asker may be implying, replying to an implication in a way that puts down the person one is with is plain rude. It is very much a putdown because being in a rush to declare that one is not dating the person one came with or is with reflects poorly on them, also by implication. The natural question that arises is "why is she so adamant in getting that out there when it wasn't directly asked about? is there something wrong with that guy?"

 

If someone is dead set to broadcast that they aren't coupled with the person they are with, and haven't been asked directly, there are ways to do it other than by responding to implication questions or broadcasting it out. "Sally, this is my friend Bob," and then if it's important to the audience, they will ask specifically whether a couple is in fact dating. If I ever went somewhere with a female friend who felt the need to broadcast out "we're just friends," that would be the last time I ever did anything with her.

 

And as for "clarity" broadcasting out that "we are just friends" doesn't enlarge options with others. Interested adults will ask directly and find out specifically whether people they find attractive are taken or not regardless of who they arrived with. No need to pull out a coloring book for them.

 

This is something of a hot button for me despite not experiencing it myself, as I see it frequently done by women, almost never by men. "This is William, we are just here as friends." I am lucky in having female friends classy enough to tell people in private if it needs to be told while escorted by me rather than announce it to social groups. The worst part of it is that many of the men in question actually think they are on a date in these scenarios or trying to date her, and you can see the embarrassment when Miss Self Absorbed comes into groups and starts announcing "we are just friends" with little or no provocation or inquiry, and certainly no thought for the feelings of the man she is with, who may have even paid for her dinner, drinks or tickets. I feel really bad for those guys when it happens. When I hear that from a woman, I think to myself, "there's a woman I will never ever get involved with." Quality women don't do this kind of thing.

[zengirl]

It doesn't matter what the asker may be implying, replying to an implication in a way that puts down the person one is with is plain rude.

 

I agree with this. Where I disagree is that clarifying a friendship as a friendship is rude --- it is something that is done for BOTH people so they can behave in the proper social context.

 

It is very much a putdown because being in a rush to declare that one is not dating the person one came with reflects poorly on them, also by implication.The natural question that arises is "why is she so adamant in getting that out there when it wasn't directly asked about? is there something wrong with that guy?"

 

I would never presume something was "wrong" with a guy just because I, or someone else, wasn't dating them. Or a girl, if the guy was the one to declare the status of their friendly relationship. Why is saying someone is a friend a put down at all?

 

And as for "clarity" broadcasting out that "we are just friends" doesn't enlarge options with others. Interested adults will ask directly and find out specifically whether people they find attractive are taken or not regardless of who they arrived with. No need to pull out a coloring book for them.

 

I have not found this to be true. In my life, I have found that NICE men will not approach me unless I am clearly single. I suppose some men will, and I've experienced that, but they're usually Alpha jerks that'd run over other men to get a girl if they wanted. No thanks. I've been approached by those guys, and yes, they'll ask specifically and then push even if you say yes, typically, to see if it's serious, exclusive, etc. Most of the men I've dated, including Hubby, wouldn't go up to a woman who had any appearance of being out with another guy, date or boyfriend, out of respect for both parties.

 

I will say I don't think I use the phrase "just" friends --- the "just" always does seem weird to me. Being friends is great! Nothing "just" about it. I will however indicate that someone is a friend, that I am not taken (when I wasn't - now I'm married obviously, and the confusion would be that one of the men in my party was my husband if he wasn't Hubby, though that's not occurred yet), that I am taken, etc. So if your objection is solely with the word "just" I get it --- if it's with establishing a clear relationship as a friendship then it seems odd. Nothing wrong with boundaries and clarification.

 

I do often notice a lot of YOUNG women use the word "just" friends when asked IF they actually like the guy but he hasn't made a move --- in that case, the "just" makes sense, as they WANT more but the guy isn't asking.

[irc333]

Yeah, a few years ago, I went to this CHristmas gathering.

 

This rather attractive blonde woman shows up with this guy, he seemed happy as pig in snot to be with her, then he leaves to get something.

 

People ask her if they're dating, and she goes, "Nah, he's just my ride"

 

And then you see him show up with his and her drinks, and she thanks him"

 

Sad that we knew something he did not.

 

 

It doesn't matter what the asker may be implying, replying to an implication in a way that puts down the person one is with is plain rude. It is very much a putdown because being in a rush to declare that one is not dating the person one came with or is with reflects poorly on them, also by implication. The natural question that arises is "why is she so adamant in getting that out there when it wasn't directly asked about? is there something wrong with that guy?"

 

If someone is dead set to broadcast that they aren't coupled with the person they are with, and haven't been asked directly, there are ways to do it other than by responding to implication questions or broadcasting it out. "Sally, this is my friend Bob," and then if it's important to the audience, they will ask specifically whether a couple is in fact dating. If I ever went somewhere with a female friend who felt the need to broadcast out "we're just friends," that would be the last time I ever did anything with her.

 

And as for "clarity" broadcasting out that "we are just friends" doesn't enlarge options with others. Interested adults will ask directly and find out specifically whether people they find attractive are taken or not regardless of who they arrived with. No need to pull out a coloring book for them.

 

This is something of a hot button for me despite not experiencing it myself, as I see it frequently done by women, almost never by men. "This is William, we are just here as friends." I am lucky in having female friends classy enough to tell people in private if it needs to be told while escorted by me rather than announce it to social groups. The worst part of it is that many of the men in question actually think they are on a date in these scenarios or trying to date her, and you can see the embarrassment when Miss Self Absorbed comes into groups and starts announcing "we are just friends" with little or no provocation or inquiry, and certainly no thought for the feelings of the man she is with, who may have even paid for her dinner, drinks or tickets. I feel really bad for those guys when it happens. When I hear that from a woman, I think to myself, "there's a woman I will never ever get involved with." Quality women don't do this kind of thing.

[ariadne999]

I think to myself, "there's a woman I will never ever get involved with."

 

 

clearly your're doingh er a favor. you should like a a supreme douche.

[FitChick]

girl at my neighborhood bar, her and this guy are talking about a city i used to live in, i mention that i used to live there to join in the conversation and apologize while doing so about "interrupting what sounds like first date conversation" and then she throws out the 'just friends' comment.

poor guy melted on the spot.

I would not have made that intrusive assumption. I would have said, "Sorry to interrupt, but I used to live in ________ and loved it/hated it." If they had both been wearing wedding rings would you have said, "I know you are both married and having an affair, but I couldn't help but overhear..." Their relationship or lack of one was irrelevant and caused embarrassment.

[dasein]

clearly your're doingh er a favor. you should like a a supreme douche.

 

Looks like we found another woman who goes around declaring "oh we are just friends."

 

BTW, English is a great language, try it sometime.

[thatone]

It doesn't matter what the asker may be implying, replying to an implication in a way that puts down the person one is with is plain rude. It is very much a putdown because being in a rush to declare that one is not dating the person one came with or is with reflects poorly on them, also by implication. The natural question that arises is "why is she so adamant in getting that out there when it wasn't directly asked about? is there something wrong with that guy?"

 

If someone is dead set to broadcast that they aren't coupled with the person they are with, and haven't been asked directly, there are ways to do it other than by responding to implication questions or broadcasting it out. "Sally, this is my friend Bob," and then if it's important to the audience, they will ask specifically whether a couple is in fact dating. If I ever went somewhere with a female friend who felt the need to broadcast out "we're just friends," that would be the last time I ever did anything with her.

 

And as for "clarity" broadcasting out that "we are just friends" doesn't enlarge options with others. Interested adults will ask directly and find out specifically whether people they find attractive are taken or not regardless of who they arrived with. No need to pull out a coloring book for them.

 

This is something of a hot button for me despite not experiencing it myself, as I see it frequently done by women, almost never by men. "This is William, we are just here as friends." I am lucky in having female friends classy enough to tell people in private if it needs to be told while escorted by me rather than announce it to social groups. The worst part of it is that many of the men in question actually think they are on a date in these scenarios or trying to date her, and you can see the embarrassment when Miss Self Absorbed comes into groups and starts announcing "we are just friends" with little or no provocation or inquiry, and certainly no thought for the feelings of the man she is with, who may have even paid for her dinner, drinks or tickets. I feel really bad for those guys when it happens. When I hear that from a woman, I think to myself, "there's a woman I will never ever get involved with." Quality women don't do this kind of thing.

 

i agree. last time that happened to me i actually met up with another member from here on LS, and she got approached by a guy in the bar we were in. i didn't mind, since her and i had no interest in dating each other, but she didn't disregard me to talk to him, she kinda looked to see if i was offended and i just kinda gave the "go ahead" nod, but dude blew it by being scared to talk to the both of us, and suggesting that she leave and meet him at another bar down the street.

 

if he would've had the nerve to sit there and join in the conversation with the both of us he might've gotten somewhere. for all he knew i could've been her brother or cousin or something.

 

there's plenty of ways to work information into a conversation to get a point across without offending anyone. sadly in the age of facebook and text messages most people seem to lack basic conversation skills.

Edited May 25, 2012 by thatone