socrushed Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 (edited) have you ever flirted and suggested to going on a date with a guy that you knew had a crush on you, but you had no intention of dating him? a woman I work with did this to me and it absolutely crushed me. i actually cried when I found out that the nicest sweetest friendliest woman I've ever met went out of her way to mess with my head and hurt my feelings. I'd like a woman's perspective on why someone who is generally kind-hearted would do that to me, repeatedly. and no, i wasn't misinterpreting, she would ignore my texts and calls, then flirt heavily in person, then repeat the cycle. then when I finally stopped giving her attention because I was so hurt, she asked if i was acting cold because her and I didn't go on a date, and that she's just been really busy and would love to go out. so I ask her out again, and the same thing happened. and that's when I started sobbing for the first time in several years. the only other time I cried was when i was contemplating suicide. has any women here acted as cruel and cold hearted as my coworker did, and why did you do it? Edited May 25, 2012 by socrushed Link to post Share on other sites
Alexanda Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Dude you really cried??????? Well after she ignored your texts and calls the first time, you should have just left her alone. I have not led a guy on because its a waste of time and its wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 She was using you for an ego boost. Period. She's a user. Forget about her she will only bring you pain. Don't cry over her, don't give her a second thought, move on and realize she's screwed you over twice now and there is no future there. So now you have around 4 billion other women to fall in love with. Go explore and have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alexanda Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 females are emotion wrecks but they hate males who ever cry She sounds like a b*tch, Im just surprised he cried over her. I could see a guy crying because someone died, or he saw his kid being born, or his S.O or spouse of a long time dumped him or cheated on him, or on his wedding day or things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 It's sweet that you cried over because it shows how much you are capable of loving. Which is a desired quality in men and women. But you fell for the wrong girl, who won't be kind to you, because her actions speak very loudly. She sounds casual, and is probably using you. Generally if I like someone who doesn't like me, or someone likes me that I don't like, I avoid them and set boundaries because, in these situations we justify every little thing, but only end up using each other. Love yourself. Don't be used or messed around by anyone. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 You seem oversensitive to natural push-pull games that happen in early dating and meeting. Based on your OP, I don't see where she did anything truly manipulative or cruel, maybe inconsiderate, but there's a whole lot of that out there in dating land. In your shoes, I'd start approaching lots of women and just talking, try to get several prospects. That way when one flakes or shows low interest, your skin will be a bit thicker and you can just call another one. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Cried? Really? Work on your sensitivities first before you try dating. If this little incident made you cry, Id imagine youd jump off a cliff going through anything more serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 females do it but will lie and say they havent. they are iresponsible I do it all the time on purpose. I am a woman and I have so many options!!! Do you know how much I am saving on my grocery bills by having dinners with men I am not interested in? I also secretly enjoy seeing them suffer. Hey, I am a female and I am evil hihihi 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 I do it all the time on purpose. I am a woman and I have so many options!!! Do you know how much I am saving on my grocery bills by having dinners with men I am not interested in? I also secretly enjoy seeing them suffer. Hey, I am a female and I am evil hihihi You're wickedly mysterious. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 You're wickedly mysterious. Another fool He is not wise like you guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 You have OH SO MANY options that you order men from Russia.....yea ok ES..you can wake up now. I only ordered a few. You are not going to hold it against me, are you BadBoy? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 (edited) Another fool He is not wise like you guys. A fool and his money soon go separate ways. I am also reminded of this quote attributed to George Best: "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." Edited May 25, 2012 by d'Arthez 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 she was just b*tch? simply using me for an ego boost? hold on, let me give you more background on this girl. The first time i ever met her, i just started at this blue collar warehouse type job. it was a big place and i was lost, and she didn't even know me but she saw me looking around from the distance and walked all the way up to me just because she suspected that I needed help. After that, she was nothing but kind hearted to me. Me, the shy antisocial awkward kid that some of the other guys pick on and laugh at. This is a blue collar job filled with some people who are crude and uncompassionate and i've been living a hermit life style my whole life prior to that so I have weird mannerisms and low self esteem. If anyone makes fun of me, she would always stick up for me in such a warm way that makes my heart melts. so this isn't just some b*tch who has no regards for other people's feelings. Not many people have treated me as well as she did. maybe the guy who said most women do it but won't admit to it is right. because if the nicest woman i've ever met did it to me, then that means any woman is capable of doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Seriously, she has been using you for a boost. If she was honest, she would have given you good excuses as to why she did not respond. Since she has not, I am afraid things don't look good. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 It's possible that she simply struggles at handing out direct rejection. Some people struggle to balance their desire to be nice and the capacity to be direct about rejection. (I should know ). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 have you ever flirted and suggested to going on a date with a guy that you knew had a crush on you, but you had no intention of dating him? No. There have only been 2 instances I suggested going out on a date, and both times it was because I was interested. The first guy, I knew was interested, so that made it easier to propose going out, the second guy I did not know if he was romantically interested, but he was cute and seemed like a cool guy, so that's why I suggested it first. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Yes, it happened to me a few times. Unless you are a very shy guy and deal with immature women, you will not see this often. I'm sorry OP, but either way [using you or not using you] she is not interested and for your own piece of mind you need to move on and vaccinate yourself against this kind of stuff in the future. It happened for me in high-school and it put me off dating for 3-4yrs. I just completely closed up and it's still painfull to think of that girl. And it also happened on my 21 birthday, when 2 girls danced with me, the awkward antisocial shy guy and made me feel accepted ... only to walk in on them badmouthing me to other ppl at my own party, i was coming back with more booze. I again closed off for almost 4yrs. You need to feel less, to downplay your emotions and have better control over them. Do it, try to do it ... it really works. TL;DR : She's a bitch ... learn to respect yourself and get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 That's terrible what she did to you! She was just using you as an ego booster. I know you feel used, but you must move on. Just don't make it make you be bitter. People are cruel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 i think it's kind of telling that not a single woman has chimed in to say that she's led someone on intentionally. i think it's just something people don't like to admit, but they do it.. you should just be truthful, this is the internet and you're basically anonymous. what she did to me hurt me more because she's such a genuinely good person and yet she still went out of her way to hurt me. so if an exceptionally kind hearted woman like her could do that to me, then what about other women, who won't be as nice as she is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Well, I have, apparently, but it was certainly not intentional and tbh I did not even know until much later (which I find odd because I was the one who asked him out twice, he said maybe and never did, but that goes to show you that 'leading someone on' can also be a matter of perspective). I have also been "led on", both intentionally and non-intentionally (the non-intentional usually takes a few years time and reflection to realize this - when it's raw, you automatically assume the worst). Everyone may lead someone on at one point in their life, whether directly & intentionally (for men it's usually for sex, for women it's usually an ego boost) but I would also say that a lot of people don't do it on purpose. Maybe your girl did it on purpose, I don't know. But again this can also be a matter of perspective. You were obviously over-invested emotionally with this woman and continued even when she was ignoring/rejecting you, so in order to NOT be led on, one should develop a boundary (ie. "guard your heart") to not be vulnerable to it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 When I read this kind of thing I have to wonder if the woman in question was actually leading the guy on or if he just read the signals wrong. I once met a guy who lived just around the corner from me. I wasn't attracted to him but he was fun and smart and interesting, so we became friends. At the time I lived with my boyfriend, but obviously I'm allowed to have friends, right? This guy knew I was in a relationship - he met my boyfriend on many occasions and sometimes we hung out in a group together. So there's no way he could have assumed I was interested in a relationship as I was clearly already in one. Us dating was never mentioned. Us having a relationship was never mentioned. We hung out by our two selves sometimes, but I thought nothing of it as I also hung out with other friends one-on-one. I thought we were good friends. Fast forward a few years. My boyfriend cheated and I kicked him out. My "friend" immediately tries to come on to me the second I tell him that my boyfriend has left. I say no, we're just friends, and he says I've been leading him on for years and he never wants to see me again. He breaks off our friendship and cuts all contact. WTF?! How could I be leading him on when I was clearly living with my boyfriend? I was friendly and nice to him, and we hung out together like I do with all my friends, and I never mentioned anything about us possibly being a couple or even going on a date... except he was probably secretly hoping to get in my pants. So I'm always sceptical when a guy says he's been "led on". I wonder if he hasn't just read too much into a woman's friendship and because he's attracted to her he imagines something that's not there? In a nutshell: If a woman is friendly to a guy who's attracted to her, he feels like he's being led on if friendship is all she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 It's possible that she simply struggles at handing out direct rejection. Some people struggle to balance their desire to be nice and the capacity to be direct about rejection. (I should know ). I think this is entirely possible, if she's as nice person. I've not intentionally led someone on, but there are more than a few guys that got mad because I didn't realize they wanted to be more than friends and didn't see them that way. None in recent years --- it's easier to spot those guys as you gain experience --- but it happened. And unlike Kamille, I'm comfortable dealing out rejection, personally, and being the bitch if I have to even --- better to be honest than anything else --- but there are some men, as Thornton says, that construct these Rs in their minds and lead themselves on. Some women do that too. I haven't seen any specifics on what this young woman actually SAID to make you think she was leading you on, OP. So hard to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Many immature or personality disordered women crave attention, validation and drama. It boosts their ego and makes them feel good about themselves. Do not take what everyone does or says at face value. We live in a world with a lot of messed up people. For someone that has an ulterior motive, it is easy to fake kindness and interest. You keep saying she is genuine, but obviously she is not. She probably feels powerless in parts of her life, and tries to compensate by doing things that make her feel powerful. Knowing that you were thinking about her, knowing that you are this affected by her gives her a sense of superiority. Some women grow up feeling powerless and see themselves as a victim of their circumstances. From their perspective, men have often exerted physcial power over them, men often have more financial freedom than them, and men have abandoned them. Eventually they figure out that there is one thing that gives them power over men: sex or the possibility of sex. And then they begin to use sex as a weapon (or just the possibility of it, because having you thinking about it may be enough). OP, you do not want this kind of woman in your life. She will bring you nothing but heartache and drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 I'm still trying to piece together what happened OP. This is my interpretation so far. You meet girl. Girl is really nice to you. Girl suggests going out on date. This is where I am lost. How did you come to the conclusion that the girl wasn't ever going to go out with you? Meanwhile, you definitely need to work on your confidence. What concerns me much MUCH more for you is that you are on the low end of the totem pole with the other GUYS there. Even if this girl did follow through and go out on a date with you, I really doubt you'd be able to keep her. You would be dumped after a very short amount of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 (edited) I don't see how you guys think i've been misinterpreting from reading my posts. I was not misinterpreting. I had a big crush on her within the 3rd day of talking to her. I never acted out on it, and while she was extremely warm and nice to me, i never reasoned that she was doing this because she was attracted to me. I had low self esteem, remember, i just told myself she was an amazing human being to be nice to someone like me(not particularly good looking, socially awkward/weird). It was only a couple months later when she started FLIRTING. sexual jokes, touching me, rubbing arms/chest suggestively, joking about going out with me and having sex, asking me to take her out on valentine's day because she doesn't have a date, saying specifically she would love to go on a date with me when i asked her out after several weeks of being shy and staring at the ground whenever she'd flirt with me. then every time i actually text her or call her, she'd have an excuse or just flat out ignore me. I just want to piece the puzzle together and know what she was thinking. so you guys say it's as simple as wanting an ego boost? after all those months of sticking up for me and being friends with me when other people wouldn't, she would really do a 180 and stab me in the back? She would really intentionally hurt me even though I've seen her do so many acts of genuine kindness both for me and for others with no ulterior motives other than for the sake of being a good person? sometimes I just hate life. her actions were so incongruent with everything else she's done and it's so confusing. Edited May 25, 2012 by socrushed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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