What a situation…even though everyone can see it but me...

[pwv1986]

Hi,

a friend told me to post on this site because even after turning to my family, friends, many therapists and countless psychics, I still can't convince myself that it is not going to work out and I better just move on. So here is my story, its long…

I met my ex (we'll call him X) in 2008 at a strip bar where I worked. Right as soon as I seen him, I was smitten. The next 3-4 months were amazing. He was the nicest guy I had ever met (I thought), he would do little and big things for me that I never expected. Even though he always wanted me around and doing things with him, something always felt off like it was uncomfortable to be with him in a sense that he never really opened up to me or talked much. We didn't have those bonding moments or laugh together, we didn't even have anything in common, and he hated all my friends and my family. He pretty much seemed to hate everything I said and did on a regular basis. Well soon after the 4 month buffer period, all the nice gestures stopped and we were not going out doing things. Then he suddenly told me he wasn't looking for a very serious relationship and that he isn't a "good boyfriend" and that he "got sick of people fast". Devastated I left and didn't know what I did wrong, as it was always him wanting me around 24/7. For the next 4 months it became a cat and mouse game. I felt hurt so I would go off and do my own thing, and he would get so mad at me and not talk to me for days and then tell me it's because I was hanging out with my friends too much and so on. Just confusing me further. Finally, after the 4 months of hell we "broke up", even though I wasn't even sure we were dating or together or whatever it was. I spent the next 3 months in utter depression thinking I did something to turn this amazing man off from me and then even more sad that I thought I lost him for good.

After 3 months of completely no contact, the day before my birthday I decided to randomly call one of his old phone numbers. He answered and shortly after that we got back together and moved in together a couple months later because he needed to find a place quick and I wanted to rent out the condo I owned. We moved into a huge house 2 hours out of town in a very remote location because that's how he wanted it.

Now to shorten this story, after living together for a few months, his true colours came out. The biggest issues we had were that he always accused me of things, cheating lying, everything under the sun. No matter what I did to show or prove my love, nothing was apparently good enough for him. During some of our longer break ups, including the very first 3 month one, I would hang out with other guys and he would hang out with other girls (even though he denied it). He would call me names, first just harmless things like stupid and dumb, then escalated to very mean and hurtful and just ridiculous things. He threw things, smashed things in the house, doors, walls and my car window. He went from being very well off financially to not so good and I blamed that for his anger issues. We would break up every few months, sometimes weeks and even days because he would be so mean and hermit-like, and he would blame me and say it was because I was this and that and he didn't want to be seen in public with me, then he would chase me and ask me to come back, or sometimes I would apologize and beg him to take me back. We were together for 3.5 years and he didn't say "I love you" for almost 2 years, I said it after the first 7 months. He blamed everything from my friends to my job to my "attitude", for our continuous break-ups, and I nearly went crazy trying to figure out what was happening. I quit my job, I went back to school, I dropped some of my friends, we moved a few times even. We have now been broken up for a month and usually he initiates contact with me somehow after a few weeks after a break up. I am very confused as to what to do. I love him very much and deep down I feel that he is a good guy, we're both in our mid 20s so I really feel maybe we could make it work. I was married before and I would really love to be married to X one day but I just can't seem to figure out a way to make it all come together.

Any thoughts, opinions or comments help….

Sorry its such a long story...

[d'Arthez]

I don't think this can work out to be honest. He seems to have a lot of issues, communication is practically non-existent, you break up so often ... Not until all these things have been addressed there is a slight chance that things might work out, and only IF the both of you can accept that the past 3.5 years have not been as you wanted them to be - and don't keep scores.

 

Nothing you have written suggests that things can work out. You are better off going your separate ways.

[pwv1986]

Yup you're right, I guess I just wanted to hear it from an anonymous source

[pteromom]

Things you say about this ex:

 

something always felt off like it was uncomfortable to be with him in a sense that he never really opened up to me or talked much.

 

We didn't have those bonding moments or laugh together

 

we didn't even have anything in common

 

he hated all my friends and my family.

 

He pretty much seemed to hate everything I said and did on a regular basis.

 

he would get so mad at me and not talk to me for days

 

he always accused me of things, cheating lying, everything under the sun.

 

No matter what I did to show or prove my love, nothing was apparently good enough for him.

 

He would call me names, first just harmless things like stupid and dumb, then escalated to very mean and hurtful and just ridiculous things. He threw things, smashed things in the house, doors, walls and my car window.

 

He went from being very well off financially to not so good

 

he would be so mean and hermit-like, and he would blame me

 

he didn't want to be seen in public with me

 

he didn't say "I love you" for almost 2 years

 

He blamed everything from my friends to my job to my "attitude", for our continuous break-ups

 

So tell me again what an AMAZING guy he is....

 

Honestly, he sounds like a JERK. It sounds like he doesn't know how to communicate, he has no respect for you, he won't accept responsibility for his own issues, and he has very little to offer you.

 

Yet....

 

deep down I feel that he is a good guy

 

HUH? He has shown you OVER AND OVER who he is. You just aren't paying attention.

 

ANYONE who will call you names (and don't kid yourself that calling someone "stupid" is harmless!!!!) is at best emotionally abusive, and at worst prone to move to physical abuse.

 

Don't go back to him. You can do much better, and deserve much better.

[2sunny]

Are drugs and/ or alcohol involved?

 

Your story sounds very chaotic - like an emotional roller coaster!

 

When things are right - it never feels like THAT!

 

Looks like the life of a druggy to me...

[JJ72]

RUN!! And never look back. This guy is an abusive jerk and will only get worse. Don't fool your self. Run fast!

[pwv1986]

Thank you

[pwv1986]

2Sunny- Actually no, LOL, so many people ask that. The reason I say he is an amazing guy is because he has NEVER in his life even tried any drugs, he doesn't drink or go party. He will have the occasional corona at birthdays and glass of champagne on NYE but that's it. And that is extremely rare for a guy in his lifestyle/profession.

And I don't do any drugs or drink at all either, I work in a night club so I am very turned off from partying myself.

[2sunny]

Run!!!!

 

I thought there may be a valid reason for his unacceptable behavior - but I guess there's not.

 

Run and don't look back!

[pwv1986]

Hahahaha I tried to figure out a reason for almost 4 years. Thought it was me…..

[pwv1986]

So X contacted me though email, but it wasn't to say sorry or anything, it was to tell me how I apparently had it so good with him and a f*ked it up and I won't find anyone like him ever and I'm this and that and every horrible word you can call someone.

Does he actually hate me that much or does he actually feel that he won't find anyone like me and that he effed it up?

[d'Arthez]

He is shifting the blame. Easier for him, and making you feel bad about yourself again.

[pwv1986]

Omggggggg why can't I shake this guy LOL

I was married before and can honestly say I have never been in love until X, not even my ex husband. Sad to say. I even have this guy's name tattooed on me….

[d'Arthez]

Better not to keep in touch with him and ignore his emails. That will make it easier on you.

[pwv1986]

Ya I did cuz those emails didn't leave much room for discussion. We have financial ties like stuff on payments that's in my name so I have to semi keep in touch, at least be in the know if he's around and making those payments, which really sucks

[d'Arthez]

Try to get those things either in your name (and actual control over them), or find a way to divide the assets, that works for you. Else you will never be out of his reach.

[Frank13]

The biggest issues we had were that he always accused me of things, cheating lying, everything under the sun

 

In my experience, the person who accuses you of cheating and lying is the one who is actually cheating and lying. They know they are doing it and getting away with it, so they think you must be too.

[Frank13]

Omggggggg why can't I shake this guy LOL

I was married before and can honestly say I have never been in love until X, not even my ex husband. Sad to say. I even have this guy's name tattooed on me….

 

Just proves the point, women like jerks.

 

Part of the reason is that nice guys are boring.

 

You must admit, there is a lot of drama in your life when this guy is in it. It is better to feel emotions, even negative emotions, then the boredom of a nice guy. Emotions make us feel alive.

 

That's why women like jerks.

[ladyabstrused]

Just proves the point, women like jerks.

 

Part of the reason is that nice guys are boring.

 

You must admit, there is a lot of drama in your life when this guy is in it. It is better to feel emotions, even negative emotions, then the boredom of a nice guy. Emotions make us feel alive.

 

That's why women like jerks.

 

It's more like an addiction or blinded love or just deluding ourselves. I don't know what it is. I went through something similar with OP. Now, 10 days after break-up, and trying to keep NC, it's like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. I miss him, but yet I don't (don't miss the stressful times and negative emotions).

 

To a point I think women find it exhausting, but.. again, it's like addiction to drugs. No good for you, but some people can't stop even though they knew better.

[pwv1986]

It's not that women like jerks, like I said in the post, the reason I even fell for him was because in the beginning he was soooo nice, maybe even overly nice, went out of his way, did everything for me, took me shopping, u name it he did it. By the time he turned evil, I was already in love. I guess it must be the same for most women in that situation, because then you just try to do everything to get that nice guy u fell in love with back thinking he was there once he must be in there somewhere. Except X straight admitted that the nice guy act was just a "show"

[alexandria35]

OP he sounds personality disordered. People like this don't change without several years of intense therapy. The people who become involved with them generally have some issues of their own but on a much more subtle scale and often completely hidden until a person of this nature triggers those issues and they rise to the surface.

 

I have a guy like yours, only he is has been an ex for a while now. He moved to another city over a year ago and since then we have seen each other only twice. He is my addiction. I used to think that we were somehow fated to be together and that there was some celestial greater good type reason that I went through so much to be with him...haha. Maybe there was because I have definitely become a much stronger more independant self serving woman because of him. With him I realized the futility of allowing another person to define me or validate me. I drove myself crazy trying to understand what it was that he saw when he looked at me because he seemed to feel differently about me every day. One day I would be the most wonderful bestest thing to happen to him and the next day he would be calling me a worthless whore and accusing me of all kinds of crazy things. When he lived with me I thought I was going to go right over the edge. I became addicted to him because in the beginning he was the most wonderful guy I had ever dated and I felt better about myself then I ever had in my whole life. Who doesn't want that? But the good became less and less and I would desperately try to find the way to bring it back because I wanted to feel that kind of happiness again. And I was addicted to the ecstacy and the agony.

 

OP this guy is never going to get better on his own. He will keep you walking on eggshells for as long as you let him. No matter what you do, how hard you try to prove yourself, it will never ever be enough. This guys game is to blame you for everything and maybe he even succeeds in that you might believe it a little bit. But deep down he knows damn well that hes the one with the problem, which is why he didn't want to talk about himself or open up to you in the beginning. You can keep trying with this guy but it's just wasted time. Eventually you will tire of his emotional abuse and walk. The sooner the better.