*Sigh*...WTF is the purpose of marriages in life?

[M30USA]

ALL marriages fit into 3 categories:

 

1) Marriages that end in failure (divorce)

2) Martiages that are utterly miserable but stay intact out of fear of losing children, etc.

3) Marriages that are currently "happy" but will ultimately end in either #1 or #2.

 

Why do we bother? Is it all about just the initial spark and we are destined for misery? Does God on High use this misery to teach us something?

 

Let's all take turns shouting out a great, big...

 

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff???????

Edited May 25, 2012 by M30USA

[Tiberius]

Well what if you dont marry, if you move in with a woman, you have virtually the same sitution, but without the papers.

[petterr]

I acctually agree with you!

 

But then there are all the variables in between!

 

Some make it without effort. Some make an effort. And some just give up.

[skywriter]

Sorry, I'm in the giving up category! UGH!

[2.50 a gallon]

Marriage and divorce is a large part of the American gross national product.

 

It is part of the American economy

 

Think about it, everybody gets a cut, from the merchants, preacher, organists, and government paper shufflers. And when it over they reap another bonanza, over priced lawyers, more paper shufflers with the courts, and donations to Goodwill

 

And about the only thing it does is establish paternity of the off-spring.

 

As for the moving in together, it seems to be working for my lady and I for almost 17 years. There are no official documents that keep us together, so either one of us can walk away at any time.

 

This in turn keeps us on our toes, and in turn means that neither one of us take each other for granted and we are daily working on our relationship.

[pteromom]

I know of THREE long-term marriages where both partners are happy, truly equal, and accepting of each other.

 

It can happen - but it's rare.

 

Oddly, one of these is a same-sex partnership. So much for gays ruining marriage.

[SBC]

I dunno. I am divorced, but I hardly call our marriage a failure. We still have a relationship that is based on kindness, friendship and respect. We are just not, in the eyes of the law, married anymore. Our relationship did not end, it just changed form. Our families and friends were all accepting of the change, and no one feels awkward around either of us. No need to divide alliances.

 

What I find sad is that when people inevitably change that they feel they must be bitter, and rip things completely asunder in order to move away from a person to whom they were previously close. That is really a shame.

[KathyM]

You forgot the 4th category:

 

4. Marriages that start off great, the partners struggle at times, have issues at times, but they ultimately work through those issues and have very fulfilling relationships. Half of all first marriages stay together for life. That's a pretty big percentage in this day and age. I know many couples with very happy marriages. In fact, most of the married people I know have happy marriages.

[pteromom]

In fact, most of the married people I know have happy marriages.

 

Are you sure? Our friends and family would say we have a happy marriage, but they would be wrong. They don't know what happens behind closed doors.

[M30USA]

You forgot the 4th category:

 

4. Marriages that start off great, the partners struggle at times, have issues at times, but they ultimately work through those issues and have very fulfilling relationships. Half of all first marriages stay together for life. That's a pretty big percentage in this day and age. I know many couples with very happy marriages. In fact, most of the married people I know have happy marriages.

 

These couples must be very mature and give each other plenty of space. The problem I see is that some couples treat the other person like an in-house slave.

[KathyM]

Are you sure? Our friends and family would say we have a happy marriage, but they would be wrong. They don't know what happens behind closed doors.

The people I know who have happy marriages are pretty forthcoming with their feelings, and so I get a pretty good idea of who is struggling and who is happy in their marriage. No false facades that I know of. Many of those couples have a close relationship with their spouse and express their joy and contentment and the fun they have together, so I feel pretty confident that it's not just an act.

[KathyM]

These couples must be very mature and give each other plenty of space. The problem I see is that some couples treat the other person like an in-house slave.

Mature, yes. Emotionally mature. Some are in their 20s, some are middle aged, some are older. None of them are treating their wives like an in-house slave. Most of the women have outside jobs and a life that doesn't only revolve around their husband. They are living a balanced life, but yet give a lot of themselves to their relationship with their spouse as well.

[tojaz]

Oh, we already had this debate LOL. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/315609-what-your-view-marriage-now

[M30USA]

Mature, yes. Emotionally mature. Some are in their 20s, some are middle aged, some are older. None of them are treating their wives like an in-house slave. Most of the women have outside jobs and a life that doesn't only revolve around their husband. They are living a balanced life, but yet give a lot of themselves to their relationship with their spouse as well.

 

I was actually referring to myself as an in-house slave. My wife wad a SAHM yet somehow I seemed to do everything. And heaven forbid I didn't do exactly what she wanted, there was hell to pay.

[tojaz]

I was actually referring to myself as an in-house slave. My wife wad a SAHM yet somehow I seemed to do everything. And heaven forbid I didn't do exactly what she wanted, there was hell to pay.

 

 

That does not change the validity of Kathys posts. Its not relationships in general that is at fault, it is what is being or not being put into this one.

 

So? lets start with what constitutes "everything" and what "hell to pay" means.

 

TOJAZ

[M30USA]

"Everything" means...

 

Cooking the majority of the evening meals after 12 hour days while she stayed home. House always a mess and I frequently spent the first 30 minutes after I got home cleaning up the disaster. I also, of course, was expected to not only do routine house maintenance like repairs and lawnmowing but also paint rooms if the color didn't suit her fancy and other "upgrades" which were unnecessary. I seemed to do the grocery shopping most of the time. The store was "too big and stressful" for her. Her parents were the same way: her father worked 50 hours per week SHIFT WORK and even though her mom stayed at home she "just didn't like grocery shopping". She (and my wife) also just don't like washing dishes because that is apparently designated for me. And if you're saying to yourself, Well that's because shes taking care if the kids! Nope. I do the baths at least 50 pct of time and constantly change diapers.

 

"Hell to pay" means...

 

Getting kept up until 4am with her rages (and assault if you haven't read so far) on days when I get up at 5am...then of course she gets 4 more hours of sleep herself after I've left the house.

[KathyM]

I was actually referring to myself as an in-house slave. My wife wad a SAHM yet somehow I seemed to do everything. And heaven forbid I didn't do exactly what she wanted, there was hell to pay.

Well, I'm sorry your relationship was so unbalanced, but you shouldn't let that tarnish your whole concept of marriage. When it works well, it's a beautiful thing, and there are many marriages I know of personally who are very happy marriages.

[Tiberius]

"Everything" means...

 

 

"Hell to pay" means...

 

Getting kept up until 4am with her rages (and assault if you haven't read so far) on days when I get up at 5am...then of course she gets 4 more hours of sleep herself after I've left the house.

 

Sounds to me like she cant function in a modern relationship. She longes for a man to repeatedly rape her and put her in her place. The way she sees it, if you do not have the power to keep her in place and if you keep her in place do not have the power to counter her attempts when she tries to make recourse to the authorities, you are the weak one and its your problem and fault.

 

Some people men or women, are just not made for this modern era.

[M30USA]

Sounds to me like she cant function in a modern relationship. She longes for a man to repeatedly rape her and put her in her place. The way she sees it, if you do not have the power to keep her in place and if you keep her in place do not have the power to counter her attempts when she tries to make recourse to the authorities, you are the weak one and its your problem and fault.

 

Some people men or women, are just not made for this modern era.

 

That's interesting, Tiberius. I've thought the same thing. The very solution to the problem (ie, a trip out back to put her in her place) is prevented in the modern era (ie, I would get arrested). Men in my situation are like lions at a zoo. Everyone knows lions are kings of the jungle but in a zoo they are chained and shackled as young boys and girls walk by and taunt the lion and think to themselves how tough they are as the lion rages within but can't do a damn thing.

[Tiberius]

That's interesting, Tiberius. I've thought the same thing. The very solution to the problem (ie, a trip out back to put her in her place) is prevented in the modern era (ie, I would get arrested). Men in my situation are like lions at a zoo. Everyone knows lions are kings of the jungle but in a zoo they are chained and shackled as young boys and girls walk by and taunt the lion and think to themselves how tough they are as the lion rages within but can't do a damn thing.

 

I have to say the right thing to do would have been to recognize what kind of person she is and steer clear from her, or at least cut your losses. I know not always an easy thing to do when children are involved. The kind of man she would respect would put her in her place and not be touched by the law, for putting her in her place, so you would have to be a criminal to some degree to earn her respect, if she is capable of that. It would probably be more something like submission.

 

If you are still with her I would say cut your losses, because in dealing with her there is no substitute to "putting her in her place" and make her feel powerless, by making her whitness that the authorities she calls for support side with you.

 

Its like trying to deal with the neanderthal male equivalent. If he is violent and stuck in the stoneage being kind reasonable and trying to change him most of the time will not work.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Tiberius

[M30USA]

Tiberius, you make great points. I have noticed myself turning into more of an a$$h_le in order to handle her. During one of her insane, wild rages which her family saw, her mom told me to "be the man here". Be the man? WTF can I possibly do to straighten out a disturbed woman?

[trippi1432]

Tiberius, you make great points. I have noticed myself turning into more of an a$$h_le in order to handle her. During one of her insane, wild rages which her family saw, her mom told me to "be the man here". Be the man? WTF can I possibly do to straighten out a disturbed woman?

 

You could get a divorce. YOU set a precedent in your marriage as to how YOU would be treated....you didn't see how her mother was, you didn't look to see who she most identified with?

 

My own grand-mother offered up Mason jars to bury my exH in, my entire family hated my exH before I even complained about anything....why? Because he had a lot of attributes you state about your wife. The only person who will change it is YOU...and it's not about being an a-hole, it's not about "raping" your wife as you have been given advice upon that you agree to. Sheesh, the simpleton ideas. She is NOT going to change to please you, my ex didn't and never would because it IS all about them.

 

Life on the other side of He** is good, so why are you stalling?

[M30USA]

You could get a divorce. YOU set a precedent in your marriage as to how YOU would be treated....you didn't see how her mother was, you didn't look to see who she most identified with?

 

My own grand-mother offered up Mason jars to bury my exH in, my entire family hated my exH before I even complained about anything....why? Because he had a lot of attributes you state about your wife. The only person who will change it is YOU...and it's not about being an a-hole, it's not about "raping" your wife as you have been given advice upon that you agree to. Sheesh, the simpleton ideas. She is NOT going to change to please you, my ex didn't and never would because it IS all about them.

 

Life on the other side of He** is good, so why are you stalling?

 

The irony in life is that both parties, regardless of who is right, have a litany of complaints against the other. I've seen marriages where one person is so clearly the problem, yet they continue to harp on the other person for this and that.

 

The Bible says, "Every man's way is right in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the hearts." This means that EVERY person, whether good or bad, believes they are right. This is why it's useless to argue with a person who is self-centered and only sees their own perspective.

 

I am sure my wife's family is saying the following about me:

1) He drove her to the point of hitting him. If he hadn't provoked her, she wouldn't have hit him.

2) He seems a little lazy and not interested in being wealthy.

3) He had an affair (ie, an online porn problem).

 

It doesn't matter WHO is right or wrong. BOTH parties will think they are right and will tell their respective families what an awful spouse they had.

[trippi1432]

The irony in life is that both parties, regardless of who is right, have a litany of complaints against the other. I've seen marriages where one person is so clearly the problem, yet they continue to harp on the other person for this and that.

 

Can't argue that...whether true or made up from one perspective to another. So has she addressed yours and have you addressed hers in a neutral environment or are you just looking for a "man" shoulder to cry on?

 

The Bible says, "Every man's way is right in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the hearts." This means that EVERY person, whether good or bad, believes they are right. This is why it's useless to argue with a person who is self-centered and only sees their own perspective.

 

Fact is, most wars were started over religion....so we go back to judge not lest you be judged. Yes, her opinion does weigh just as heavily as yours...but we don't have her opinion....just you telling us what she does, says...etc. YOUR perspective.

 

I am sure my wife's family is saying the following about me:

1) He drove her to the point of hitting him. If he hadn't provoked her, she wouldn't have hit him.

2) He seems a little lazy and not interested in being wealthy.

3) He had an affair (ie, an online porn problem).</quote>

 

She probably is...I wouldn't blame her much after hearing you agree that she needs to be raped and taken down a notch or two. Or hearing that you need to be an A-hole to her. There is another saying, what you give is what you get.

 

It doesn't matter WHO is right or wrong. BOTH parties will think they are right and will tell their respective families what an awful spouse they had.

 

You are correct, and when YOU BOTH grow up, you will realize that what really matters is what you think of each other and today, you both set a precedent for what will result in divorce later on in life. A Bible won't save you from that, God won't save you from that....learning to talk to each other without violence will. If she doesn't respect you as you are, you allow it. If YOU have a porn problem and wack off multiple times a day because some radio host said most men get it 20 times a week....believe the lies. That is just a part of your age and if she has to whack you over the head with a board to get you to see that...well.....

 

Oh..and lastly.....any woman who cannot take care of her kids, do dishes and keep the house clean when they are not working and makes you do everything after working a job....BS. She's lazy, but.....we only have your perspective.

[M30USA]

Trippi,

 

I sincerely hope that you just didn't say it was okay for her to assault me. The cops took photographs and I had bruises all over my body. Nothing I did, or didn't do, could possibly deserve that. I don't care if I'm a man.