witheringawayinside Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We have a 9 year old son and have always wanted a second child. The last 6 years have been very difficult. We lost a business, our home, he's been unemployed 3.5 out of the last 6 years ( I have never been unemployed) and things have just been very difficult. His unemployment wasn't for lack of trying but rather his refusal to work for someone as he was used to running a business. It still wasn't a good time financially but for me continuing to wait to have another child wasn't an option so I pushed my husband into it. In my last trimester I sensed something was wrong and was very sad and depressed as he was treating me like I was nothing. This continued for a month after our daughter was born. That is when I checked the cell phone and found out about her. When I confronted him about he moved into his mother's house. He stayed there for about a month. During this time he lost the first actual "job" he had taken in 6 years. He moved back in with me and the kids. He showed no remorse for the affair or how badly he hurt me. For the next 5 months we have stayed in this house together again with him not working or helping around the house. All the while assuring me it was over with her but still treating like I was nothing. He wants to get his own apartment as soon as he can afford to do so because he just "wants to be selfish for awhile". He says that I was a ****ty wife because sometimes during the last 6 years I would complain about lack of $ and wanting to have the baby and house etc. I SWEAR it was rare. I just found out he has still been seeing her about once a month. All the while I have trying everything to get our marriage back on track. I am sooooo devestated!!!! I just had a baby with him and the entire time has been miserable. I want my family. I want my husband. how do I cope? What do I do?
imfine Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Oh girl I must start off by saying you must really love your husband to still want to be married to a man that "wants to be selfish for a while". What I understand that to mean is: "I want to have my fun, maybe even have a little piece on the side. You take care of my children & we'll stay married so I don't have to give you a dime or help in any way." Guess what doucher hubby, when you chose to get married & have children you gave up the right to be selfish. From what I'm reading he's been selfish for years now. Unemployment due to wanting to be his own boss is a lack of trying. The first & most important reason almost ALL of us work is to provide basic necessities. Everything after that is just a bonus. It's not supposed to be fun, otherwise the requests for public assistance would decrease drastically. No remorse for the affair? He's still in it, or another one, or multiple affairs, & he isn't going to stop anytime soon. You can't fix a marriage if only one side is invested in working through things. He wants a girlfriend. He wants to hold out for a management position. He wants you to work, care for the children, keep the house running & keep your mouth shut about your needs/wants/expectations otherwise he'll run home to mommy. It's quite possible the man you married is no longer. From what you described there isn't much to love or want from him. Don't cling to who he was, look at who he is now. Look at what it's doing to you, your self esteem, your heart, your children & focus on making those things the best they can be. Make him your last priority just as he has you. Unless he has a major ephiphany & realizes how he is acting, he's not going to change his behavior. Can you really live like this? He can. Consult a divorce attorney. Just find out your options. Come up with a plan should you need it. Take care of yourself & your children.
oldshirt Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I am very sorry reading this story. This is all very tragic and heart breaking. This is all going to sound like I am a heartless jerk trying to hurt your feelings but I am not. I think you both made mistakes and you both have put your own self-interests ahead of what is best for your first child and ahead of what is simply common sense and doing the right thing. You let your desire to have another child cloud your judgement and you got pregnant from a man that you knew wasn't going to support you and stand by you. You knew he wasn't good husband and father material but had a child by him anyway when the situation you were in was terrible time and place for another child. And your husband is low character and irresponsible and not of suitable husband and father material. This is all very sad. You say you want your husband and family. Yes we all want a good spouse and a good family life but this just isn't it. How do you fix this?? The only thing I can see is to take charge of your own life back and take responsibility for your life and well-being as well as take responsibility for the well-beings of your children. You need to get some real support, whether that is moving back in with your parents or family or good friends. Whether it is getting some kind of public assistance if you qualify. and you need to get rid of the free-loading husband that is only capable of delivering sperm but isn't capable of supporting the children he fathers of the woman that he impregnates. He is a liability to your wellbeing and to your future, not an asset. He is bleeding you and making you bleed and lose assets. Like any injury, you need to stop the bleeding before you can start to heal and regain strength. Get rid of him, get support and help for you and children and start to rebuild your life from the ground up. That may mean getting more education/training so you are better able to provide for yourself and your children. That may mean getting some temporary public support so you can feed the kids and get back on your own two feet. In time once you get so you are taking care of business and you have the leech out of your life, you may get to a point where you can meet and become involved in a high-quality man and you can have a carrying and responsible husband and healthy and functional home and family life. But for the moment you need put out the fires and stop the bleeding and get yourself some support and take care of yourself and your children.
YellowShark Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Cheating on you is a dealbreaker. Cheating on you while pregnant is the ultimate betrayal. I would walk away. Divorce him. Not only is he a bum, but a cheat and a liar. What a horrible man to have as your emotional and financial partner in life. Additionally one a cheater... Not always a cheater... Twice a cheater... ALWAYS a cheater. Your children deserve a better role model in life and you deserve respect and not to have buses driven over you repeatedly. Best of luck.
viktorious11 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Go out and get you a lil boy friend. Screw him. No, no. That wouldn't solve anything right now. Confront him. Tell him that you understand that many of your decisions and pressures lead him to cheat and that you are willing to forgive him if he genuinely apologizes. You have a very young child and it is worth trying to save your marriage, regardless. However, it doesn't really even sound like he wants it anymore. The reality may be tough - but i think it is clear: You are on your own with those kids. He has checked out. You may need to just serve him the divorce papers and fight for full custody of your kids. It may take something that drastic for him to snap out of his selfish ******* ways and come crawling back. When he does come crawling back, you judge for yourself how genuine he is. But it is going to take TIME and you are going to feel lots, and lots, and lots of PAIN. Him with another girl. You alone with the babies. It is going to be TOUGH. But YOU are going to pull through and become STRONGER from all of this. Embrace the pain, embrace your children, but first and foremost EMBRACE YOURSELF. Do things that make YOU happy, whatever free moment you may get. LOVE those kids day in and day out. They will give you all the love you will ever need in this world. The rest will just fall into place. Hope I helped! We're all in this together!!
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