Jump to content

Do you ever feel betrayed by your spouses' prior LTR?

housebunny

By housebunny
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

housebunny Member

housebunny

Posted
Posted

My spouse had a 7 yr relationship, not married, they had a child together that I now raise. I didn't know the extent of the relationship until after we got married, nor about a lot of helpful things [like him being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt!]

 

I just feel sometimes that my marriage was screwed before it even started, because I believed him when he said his feelings about it were long gone, not realizing that it still affects his behavior. Two years of marriage counseling to get him to admit that he was ever wrong? He thinks he has always made good decisions in his life? I just think it is irresponsible, and his personality proves it. I'm religious, ever hear Rebecca St. James' song "Wait for Me'?

 

I mean, isn't it kind of like cheating on your partner? I think sex before marriage is one thing, but children makes it a deeper relationship. I feel like, "You can do this to us, give us problems before we even started, but I have to walk to the straight and narrow?"

 

I just feel like a doublestandard going on here, you can go do whatever in your life while I am just realizing what life is all about and I'm here paying for your mistakes.

 

There is appx. 20 yrs. age diff.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm not sure what you're asking.

 

I do think the problem with some people is that they wait until after they marry to get counseling, when perhaps sitting down with their partner and going to a pre-marital counselor would probably help to bring key issues to light BEFORE the nuptials. That can help determine if they even should marry, and if they should, can also provide tools to address issues that are currently present or that may surface. It seems you decided to marry without fully knowing all you needed to know. How long did you date?

 

Your husband is 20 years older than you. He has lived a LOT of life. He was an adult before you were even born. Therefore he would have gone through a lot, relationships and kids included, before you and he met. I think this is to expected, perhaps your inability to deal with this is as a result of the strain that huge age gaps can bring. Age can be just a number, but sometimes it can be very important.

 

What problems has he given you guys before you even start? I'm not sure I get that. A man 20 years older than can often have a lot more baggage than you do....this again is normal and if you choose to marry someone, you had to make yourself knowledgeable about what you were getting into. Are you saying he lied about his life before or did you guys simply just never talk about things, assumptions were made by you, and now that you find out differently you are upset?

 

You say he did whatever he wanted and you are just now realizing what life is about and have to pay for his mistakes. I hate to keep bringing up the huge age gap...but each problem you bring up seems to be attributed to the fact that this man is 20 years your senior, with more experience, more mistakes and more debt than you, he has already passed through a lot of stages you're just now going through, but it seems as though you did not expect that or have come to resent it. Yet he was who he was and his age was always his age, before you decided to marry him.:o

 

What do you want out of your marriage and what do you honestly wish was different?

Edited by MissBee
  • Author
housebunny Member

housebunny

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm not sure what you're asking.

 

I do think the problem with some people is that they wait until after they marry to get counseling, when perhaps sitting down with their partner and going to a pre-marital counselor would probably help to bring key issues to light BEFORE the nuptials. That can help determine if they even should marry, and if they should, can also provide tools to address issues that are currently present or that may surface. It seems you decided to marry without fully knowing all you needed to know.

 

How long did you date? [3 months...I know, I know...]

 

Your husband is 20 years older than you. He has lived a LOT of life.

 

[i get reminded of this constantly]

 

He was an adult before you were even born. Therefore he would have gone through a lot, relationships and kids included, before you and he met.

 

[We are both religious, I just think I have come to realize that high moral standards would've been something I would've looked for in his past experiences, instead of him just starting to behave this way]

 

I think this is to expected, perhaps your inability to deal with this is as a result of the strain that huge age gaps can bring. Age can be just a number, but sometimes it can be very important.

 

[i feel like I 'm living with someone more immature than someone his age, I feel like the adult in our relationship because of multiple issues]

 

What problems has he given you guys before you even start?

 

[i mean, I feel like he didn't value marriage, and me. I feel like he just did what felt good at the time, and that he feels that whoever he would end up with would have to put up with it. Inconsiderate, and hurtful to me. Why can't I do what feels good?]

 

I'm not sure I get that. A man 20 years older than can often have a lot more baggage than you do....this again is normal and if you choose to marry someone, you had to make yourself knowledgeable about what you were getting into. Are you saying he lied about his life before or did you guys simply just never talk about things, assumptions were made by you, and now that you find out differently you are upset?

 

[We talked about it in detail, but now that his ex is back in the picture, a lot more things are coming out. He was extremely vague, trying to keep himself in the best light, but hearing these things makes me more hurt. I feel like I was lied to]

 

You say he did whatever he wanted and you are just now realizing what life is about and have to pay for his mistakes. I hate to keep bringing up the huge age gap...but each problem you bring up seems to be attributed to the fact that this man is 20 years your senior, with more experience, more mistakes and more debt than you, he has already passed through a lot of stages you're just now going through, but it seems as though you did not expect that or have come to resent it. Yet he was who he was and his age was always his age, before you decided to marry him.:o

 

[When I married him, looking back on it, I was young, in love, and thought he was telling the whole truth. I thought since he was older, he should've known where he was at in life and understood that I was just getting started. I feel taken advantage of because he obviously knew what he was doing, and kept me in the dark, and I didn't know any better but to believe him. I believed the best about him...as I do everyone until they prove me wrong]

 

What do you want out of your marriage and what do you honestly wish was different?

 

[i want to be happy...I want him to still care about his health and appearance, and not use the excuse that he is old now so he's not going to worry about it. I want him to realize that his mistakes hurt people, and that if the shoe was on the other foot, what he would be facing. I want to stop hearing "I'm [age] and you're [age], so what you're saying doesn't matter, your opinion doesn't mattter and holds no weight."]

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted

Wow...that's a lot. It seems like you guys prematurely married and frankly, may not be compatible.

 

You talk about him and his problems, but what made you want to marry him so quickly? :confused:

 

Housebunny...you are in a hard place. My honest assessment is that perhaps you jumped the gun, you're at different places and no amount of counseling will give him his youth back and give you a partner who can grow with you in the way you'd like. He is not necessarily a bad man, from what you've said...I think you're kind of just resentful of the reality.

 

You should probably go to your own individual counselor and talk this over with them and continue MC...as dissolving your marriage, so you can be with someone on par with you, may be the best thing versus be upset that your husband had 20 years of a life, debt etc and he is now old and doesn't want to do what you want and is also not treating you well. It is VERY hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Not impossible, but your husband does seem to be stubborn and set in his way and it's just not fair. It is okay to admit to jumping the gun re marriage, and you owe it to yourself to admit this, if it is so...and take steps so you can have a full and happy life with an equal partner.

make me believe Established Member

make me believe

Posted
Posted

It's not only his fault that you guys didn't talk about important things before getting married. I mean, really, you never discussed money or past relationships?? You didn't think about the "extent" of the relationship he had with a woman who he was with for 7 years and had a child with? What, you thought it was just casual or something?

 

I'm also confused about why you are bringing his child up. Especially because you describe him/her as a "problem" that he brought into your relationship. WOW. :sick:

 

Presumably you knew about his kid before you married this guy. If so, this is the life YOU chose. So, no, you don't have the right to feel that he "cheated on you" before he even knew you. He had a life before he knew you, yes. ALL of us do, and mature adults accept that.

 

You sound young and extremely immature. Honestly, this is the kind of attitude I had with my first boyfriend when I was 16. I thought he had disrespected me because I wasn't the first girl he'd ever made out with. :lmao:

 

Anyway... you made the choice to marry a guy 20 years your senior who you had known for three months. So if you want to blame anybody for poor choices, blame yourself. :rolleyes:

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
Posted

If he hid the kid before marriage, that seems a problem. I don't get what he hid though? Did you meet the kid before you married him? But, no, anything he did before he met you is not a betrayal and he should not have to apologize for it. However, if he deliberately kept information from you, especially that he had a kid!, then yes, that'd be a big problem.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...