Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I met this guy a few weeks ago on match.com and we emailed and texted for a few days and then we decided to meet in person the following week on Monday and we had a great time together. We both promised to keep in touch. He told me he had a business conference out of town the following week for a few days. So the week that we hung out I texted him a few times, but he wouldn’t text me without me texting him first. Then the week of his business conference I didn’t hear from him. So I texted him the day before he was supposed to get back from his conference just to say hi and I asked when he wanted to hang out again. He told me had to stay a couple of extra days and get back to me when in a few days when he knew what his schedule was like. So a few days pass and I didn’t hear from him at all. I text him basically telling him that I don’t think he is interested because he hasn’t been keeping in touch with me. A quick text hello would have sufficed. He told me he hadn’t had any time to himself lately and had to stay an extra day at the business conference and he would get back to me after the following day about when he would be free. So I apologize to him for assuming that he wasn’t interested. About 2 days pass and I still didn’t hear from him so I email him just to say hi and I ask him if he is having another crazy week with his job. He emails me a few minutes later and says he is fine and its work as usual for him and then he inquires how I’m doing. So then I email him back and ask him when he wants to hang out again. So several hours pass and I’m thinking okay maybe he really isn’t interested. He never got back to me about when he would be free the first two times I asked. So in a nutshell I told him: that if he wasn’t interested he should just say so and how I thought he was intelligent, nice, and some other stuff and I said excuse me for thinking you were one of a kind. I guess I was wrong. That I wouldn’t bother contacting him again and that I was sorry I wasted his time. He emails me back says: I said I will let you know when I was able to pull away to have some me time but that hasn't occured as soon as I wanted it to happen as of these 3 days of this week. And to answer all of your questions, I am a man of my word I feel insulted by you saying that I can't be someones friend, and that you thought I was highly intelligent. Like how mean can you be really? I am all of that and more seems to be evident to why I am still single because it takes that special person to accept a quality man. So after reading this message from you this is really upsetting to know that I took the time to go out to meet the person that you are to receive this type of email from you. You may forget me because this wont end well by your assumptions of who I am and categorizing me what you're used to. And that's right I wasn't after the one thing guys look for in a woman I needed a woman's heart so I can make a life with her. Thanks for nothing…. So was I totally wrong? Why couldn’t he just tell me in the first place that he had to stay some extra time for his business conference and that he hadn’t been able to get away as soon as he thought. He could have just told me that he had no idea and would get back to me whenever he could. So he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Although I sent him a few texts and emails apologizing.
pteromom Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 He's married. I'd bet on it. Anyway, his response to you was over the top and shows a bit of a CRAZY streak. Quit texting him and move on. NEXT. 3
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Maybe he is married. He told me that he isnt and he did brag about his cooking so I told him he should cook for me sometime and he said he has to warm up to the idea of me coming over to his house. Which I thought was odd.
dasein Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Wish I could take pteromom's bet as I see no evidence of him being married at all. No OP, you weren't all wrong, but were too persistent too fast, got hostile and insulting when he didn't respond to you on your schedule. His reaction was warranted based on pressure from you, and you should just move on. Next time, after a good date, leave things be, no contact, texts, etc. If he is interested, he will ask you out again. Or if you want, go ahead and ask him out... once... and if he says no or puts you off, assume he isn't interested and just move on. 4
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Wish I could take pteromom's bet as I see no evidence of him being married at all. No OP, you weren't all wrong, but were too persistent too fast, got hostile and insulting when he didn't respond to you on your schedule. His reaction was warranted based on pressure from you, and you should just move on. Next time, after a good date, leave things be, no contact, texts, etc. If he is interested, he will ask you out again. Or if you want, go ahead and ask him out... once... and if he says no or puts you off, assume he isn't interested and just move on. Okay thank you. I will keep that in mind. That was my first time initiating contact with a guy. Oh I'm definitely moving on.
sid3 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I don't see evidence that he's definitely married either. I think you came on a bit too strong and appeared needy and insecure. That killed any attraction, assuming there was any to begin with. It sounds as though he just wasn't attracted to you. 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Well, I don't think he was ever that interested even right after your first date. If he were, he would have been proactive about making plans with you. But I'm not 100% positive, and you didn't help your cause by how you handled things either. Next time back off and if he doesn't follow through, at least you won't be wondering what you did to scare him off. 1
tina783 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Next time, after a good date, leave things be, no contact, texts, etc. If he is interested, he will ask you out again. Or if you want, go ahead and ask him out... once... and if he says no or puts you off, assume he isn't interested and just move on. Agreed. Let him come to you. You reached out to him waaaaaaaay too many times and then blew it by confronting him over text. 3
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Agreed. Let him come to you. You reached out to him waaaaaaaay too many times and then blew it by confronting him over text. I will know next time. Thanks.
pteromom Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 we decided to meet in person the following week on Monday Monday because... his wife had something else to do that day? Odd day for a first date! He told me he had a business conference out of town the following week for a few days. He's setting it up so that you won't be expecting to hear from him. He gave you the "reason" up front. In reality, he's with his family and can't text you. Then the week of his business conference I didn’t hear from him. Of course not! He told me had to stay a couple of extra days and get back to me when in a few days when he knew what his schedule was like. Or in other words, his wife didn't do her usual thing on that day, so he wasn't free to see you. So a few days pass and I didn’t hear from him at all. Of course not. He told me he hadn’t had any time to himself lately and had to stay an extra day at the business conference and he would get back to me after the following day about when he would be free. His wife STILL hadn't gone out to do anything on her own. But she's planning something, and he'll know more the next day! He emails me back says: I said I will let you know when I was able to pull away to have some me time but that hasn't occured as soon as I wanted it to happen as of these 3 days of this week. Mmmm hmmmm.... I bet! Thanks for nothing…. Oooh, and a JERK too!!!! So yeh. I get a "married" vibe from this scenario. But even if he isn't married... If someone LIKES you, they put effort into showing you. If someone is EXCITED about dating you, they show you through their actions. Even if he's single, he didn't have ONE MOMENT during his conference to text you "Hi - hope you are doing well" the whole time? When he said he'd be back to you, he NEVER had time to even say "Sorry - I'm busy. Will be back with you soon." He's showing you already that he doesn't really want to put effort in. This is a RED FLAG. If you end up in a relationship with him, you'll be on here wondering what is wrong with you that you have a guy who won't hug/kiss/have sex/say 'I love you'. Have higher expectations for yourself. 1
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Well, I don't think he was ever that interested even right after your first date. If he were, he would have been proactive about making plans with you. But I'm not 100% positive, and you didn't help your cause by how you handled things either. Next time back off and if he doesn't follow through, at least you won't be wondering what you did to scare him off. That is what I was thinking. Im just used to guys pursuing me and I can tell when a guy is interested. I was thinking maybe it was just me. If a guy decides he isnt interested why cant he just say that in the first place?
pteromom Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 If a guy decides he isnt interested why cant he just say that in the first place? Sometimes they are willing to go out with you again, but don't care enough to put the effort in. Don't settle for a guy like that. If someone is REALLY INTERESTED, their actions will show it. That's what you want - someone who is REALLY INTERESTED, not just willing to hang out with you for something to do. 1
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Thank you again pteromom. Yeah it takes a few seconds just to send a quick hi text message. I will have higher expectations for myself.
sid3 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 we decided to meet in person the following week on Monday Monday because... his wife had something else to do that day? Odd day for a first date! He told me he had a business conference out of town the following week for a few days. He's setting it up so that you won't be expecting to hear from him. He gave you the "reason" up front. In reality, he's with his family and can't text you. Then the week of his business conference I didn’t hear from him. Of course not! He told me had to stay a couple of extra days and get back to me when in a few days when he knew what his schedule was like. Or in other words, his wife didn't do her usual thing on that day, so he wasn't free to see you. So a few days pass and I didn’t hear from him at all. Of course not. He told me he hadn’t had any time to himself lately and had to stay an extra day at the business conference and he would get back to me after the following day about when he would be free. His wife STILL hadn't gone out to do anything on her own. But she's planning something, and he'll know more the next day! He emails me back says: I said I will let you know when I was able to pull away to have some me time but that hasn't occured as soon as I wanted it to happen as of these 3 days of this week. Mmmm hmmmm.... I bet! Thanks for nothing…. Oooh, and a JERK too!!!! So yeh. I get a "married" vibe from this scenario. But even if he isn't married... If someone LIKES you, they put effort into showing you. If someone is EXCITED about dating you, they show you through their actions. Even if he's single, he didn't have ONE MOMENT during his conference to text you "Hi - hope you are doing well" the whole time? When he said he'd be back to you, he NEVER had time to even say "Sorry - I'm busy. Will be back with you soon." He's showing you already that he doesn't really want to put effort in. This is a RED FLAG. If you end up in a relationship with him, you'll be on here wondering what is wrong with you that you have a guy who won't hug/kiss/have sex/say 'I love you'. Have higher expectations for yourself. I disagree, Monday isn't an odd day for a 1st date. I'd go on a first date Sunday morning if I fancied the lady. But I agree with you on the showing interest and excitement if someone likes you. That was lacking, in the OP's scenario. It sounds like a good learning experience for her. 1
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 I disagree, Monday isn't an odd day for a 1st date. I'd go on a first date Sunday morning if I fancied the lady. But I agree with you on the showing interest and excitement if someone likes you. That was lacking, in the OP's scenario. It sounds like a good learning experience for her. Yes, this is definitely a good learning experience!
truth_seeker Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 If you go on dates with a man who pays cash all the time, then it's a good bet he is married. 1
Author Alexanda Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 If you go on dates with a man who pays cash all the time, then it's a good bet he is married. Lol, that hasnt happened yet!
bamp78 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 If you go on dates with a man who pays cash all the time, then it's a good bet he is married. That is one of the most uninformed unintelligent responses i've come across on this site. I pay cash for things all the time and that doesn't mean i'm married that just means I choose to not use my cards as I find cash more convenient. Just cause a guy dates on Mondays and uses cash doesn't automatically make him married. It's just a bitter perception of reality. The guy wasn't into her and it doesn't matter why or what she may or may not have done wrong just give the girl some comfort without assuming you have any understanding of the situation beyond what was shared.
sid3 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 That is one of the most uninformed unintelligent responses i've come across on this site. I pay cash for things all the time and that doesn't mean i'm married that just means I choose to not use my cards as I find cash more convenient. Just cause a guy dates on Mondays and uses cash doesn't automatically make him married. It's just a bitter perception of reality. The guy wasn't into her and it doesn't matter why or what she may or may not have done wrong just give the girl some comfort without assuming you have any understanding of the situation beyond what was shared. I agree....
fetch Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Sorry, OP! As a commiserating soul who just went through the whole "says one thing but actions clearly say another" dud of a dude myself not too long ago, it surely does suck eggs. Best to chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Definitely set expectations higher and don't compromise next time if the dude starts displaying this predictable MO when such an unworthy asshat. As far as the rest of y'all who say it's needy and desperate looking to continue to contact/push the subject because you want to know wtf is up with the passive-aggressive jackwagon? Get a grip. It's because of herd mentality like that, that such unacceptable behavior is written off as being "par for course". It's not okay; it's never okay. Grow an effing spine and learn to deal with the mild and ultimately no-long-lasting-effects discomfort of being a human being and being upfront and verbal about where you're at even if it's not good news for the other party. sheesh. 2
sid3 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Sorry, OP! As a commiserating soul who just went through the whole "says one thing but actions clearly say another" dud of a dude myself not too long ago, it surely does suck eggs. Best to chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Definitely set expectations higher and don't compromise next time if the dude starts displaying this predictable MO when such an unworthy asshat. As far as the rest of y'all who say it's needy and desperate looking to continue to contact/push the subject because you want to know wtf is up with the passive-aggressive jackwagon? Get a grip. It's because of herd mentality like that, that such unacceptable behavior is written off as being "par for course". It's not okay; it's never okay. Grow an effing spine and learn to deal with the mild and ultimately no-long-lasting-effects discomfort being a human being and being upfront and verbal about where you're at even if it's not good news for the other party. sheesh. Haha, how those eggs tasting? FYI, you are part of the herd, how does it feel to be among the sheeple?
truth_seeker Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 That is one of the most uninformed unintelligent responses i've come across on this site. Let me rephrase: watch out for SOME men who pay cash all the time. Reason being I knew a business acquaintance who was married and had a couple of younger women on the side. He told me he paid cash every time when he was out with them to avoid a paper trail, ie, wife checking credit card statements. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Even though it's been a few years the same rules apply since the book came out- He's just not interested in you. Don't ever, ever chase a guy. The only thing you ever have to do in dating is be receptive when a guy initiates. 1
bamp78 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Let me rephrase: watch out for SOME men who pay cash all the time. Reason being I knew a business acquaintance who was married and had a couple of younger women on the side. He told me he paid cash every time when he was out with them to avoid a paper trail, ie, wife checking credit card statements. Let me rephrase: you are still retarded or living the life of a 13 year old middle school student. Just cause you know one guy who happens to have a couple of girls on the side and pays cash for said encounters does not make you an authority on male behavior. I assume that you living in a "big" city would be somewhat socially astute but perhaps i'm wrong. Your perspective seems quite shallow please prove me wrong...
Author Alexanda Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Even though it's been a few years the same rules apply since the book came out- He's just not interested in you. Don't ever, ever chase a guy. The only thing you ever have to do in dating is be receptive when a guy initiates. Thank you! No, I will never chase a guy again!
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