How to handle her "properly" and my relationship...(long)..?

[ichooseme]

Hi all and thank you for reading this post,

 

I'm 27 and she's 22. we've been together for a little over 9 months and not married. I know this post might belong to dating section better, but i doubt that looking at the topics there. So here i am...

 

She's Afghan and we were first friends, plus I got out of a 2 year long relationship where i was dumped for someone else. That was in april 2011, and I met my current gf in June 2012. She's gorgeous, kind, decent and loving. I was blessed to meet her when I finally got over my ex. She's a Muslim, and in Islam religion you can't date nor marry anyone who is not Muslim. Now, I was agnostic at first and still am at heart. But I told her, for the sake of us, that i'll give it my best shot and read the Qoran, which i did (read over half of it). Haven't started praying. Reason being I'm just having trouble beliving in God, I don't know why, but it's so hard for me to do, but i try. However, that's only part of our issues...

 

I'm in my final year of university (BSs) and so is she, we're in the same faculty. I made some bad choices in life hence my age. In any case, she had 3 exes before me: the first ex who took her virginity and she left him after 2 years due to him being absive and controlling (he was Afghan too), the second ex was a rebound, who was too feminine for her tastes, so she left him after maybe half a year, and her last ex was an improvement to the previous one since he was manlier, but nowhere near what she wanted.

Then she met me and we fell in love almost instantly, everything seemed to fit and we were happy.

At the time i had many female friends and barely an male friends, now i have none, no friends. Maybe one, who is far away and the last time i saw him 3 years ago, he still remains one of my best friends. But i'm in a different country and I just have her and a bunch of university acquaintances with whom i dont meet up. Somehow feel too old for partying, seems like i've done it all and i just can't connect with them.

 

My current gf is jealous, very even, has trust issues. The reason is that she once was in my apartment (had a key made for her) and found stuff that she wasnt supposed to see from my previous relationship, they were basically pieces of paper on which i wrote about intimiate experiences with my previous ex and descriptionsof her in a way that made her a goddess or something, but at a time i was just blind and dumb. I regret it badly that i didnt clean up better and didnt get rid of all the sh*t that had to do with my past relationship.

In any case, she read them and still has issues with it, even now she still brings it up almost in every fight we have. We fight on average every 2-3 days, don't remember when was the last time we went for at least a week without arguing about smth.

Reasons of our fights are:

1) I'm not possessive enough, hence probably don't love her as much

2) I'm not as jealous as her, so she thinks we're on different levels regarding that, so i dont love her enough probably

3) I'm not ambitious enough and currently unemployed (due to exams and the fact that it's not as easy to get a job), but when i do apply for certain jobs she's not happy with my choices, because they're below me and that in my age I should be going higher and give her more.

 

anyways, these issues go on, and it's all because she was living with her parents uptil 21, when they found out about her dating me, (she has also 3 brothers btw), they basically were very against it and basically gave her a choice: "it's either us or him"....she chose me and left the house while having no place to live, so obviously she came to my apartment and she cried for days, lived with me the first 2 months, eventually found an apartment through friends and now lives with a housemate, who has similar background. I was there for her, supported her in her arguments with parents over the phone, through sms and they seemed very stubborn and narrowminded about her choice and just gave her less equal treatment in my view. Since her brothers are dating non-religious or non Afghan girls, but since she's a girl she has to date or be with only an Afghan or a muslim, neither of which I am. So when she decided to make her parents accept me, she lied to them and said that i WAS a muslim and ofc they found another excuse not to accept me. So, it was clear, they're just against it and no logical explanation nor reasoning would convince them.

Her parent basically think she left the house and abandoned them completely, whereas her idea was to visit them every weekend and she has no intention of leaving her parents. But now it puts a lot of pressure on me to return the "favor" so to speak and give her everything that she deserves and wants from me as a man and to be able to support her. But i'm still in university, i still have the resits, i'm still searching for a job, still not there, still haven't converted to Islam. I do try to put effort in everything, to take care of her like a princess, but all of it is not sufficient enough, cuz it doesn't equate to her sacrifices at all. So i always feel guilty if i don't blow off my own family sometimes, when I pick her instead of going to other social gatherings, like barbeques or whatever.

 

I gave up on drinking alltogether, i dont eat pork, never smoked, do sports, almost done with studies, we made love at the beginning of our relationship a lot, then she said that I'm not even trying to be Muslim and support her in her weak moments when she wants me, I'm supposed to stop her and vice versa and that way remain chaste before marriage basically. and no pleasuring is allowed as well. So right now we are not intimate, only cuddling for a bit and kissing, that's it.

Now, it's pretty unnatural to me, if i don't do it for a couple of days, let's say a week - i'm constantly stressed, frustrated, angry and holding a lot of it in and try to be understanding and let her know i'm trying not to overstep the boundaries. I need an outlet, somewhere to let it out, so i do fitness, but i think it's gotten worse, since i'm becoming healthier and more "hungry", more stamina, more energy, i'm not even tired after an entire day on my feet. I'm just hoping to get a job quick, so i have somewhere to be busy with something, in contact with some ppl to get my mind off of it, and I feel like less of a man because it seems i can't provide her with what she deserves and wants, which is for me to be on my feet faster, to be more ambitious, financially steady, warmer, less angry ( i have a short fuse with her, because we fight so often and i'm just so sick of it, for example yesterday I snapped and just left in the middle of the argument by saying: "I can't listen to this bull***t any more!" and didnt come back for a couple of hours, but she then called me 8 times, i didnt pick up, but when i did pick up eventually she just said that it was over between us and that she will continue without me....so i ended up not having any fresh air to cool down..If i dont do that, i start punching walls, throwing things, because i see red, but I never lay a hand on her of course)...

 

sigh, this is becoming very long and disorganized...there's just so much, that I can't pinpoint anything and don't know where to start and finish... all i know is that i love her and really care about her, she doesnt have anyone besides me, she has friends but they're always coming short of her expectations, and sometimes her expectations are unreasonable and are a bit too high. But she does so much for someone and gives it her all, but then when others dont do the same she just loses hope in them and gets easily disappointed and sad. i.e. "why don't they do the same things i do for them? is it me or do they just dont care about me at all?"... Her family hasn't visited a single time to her apartment and they never call, it's her who always initates contact and worries about them, but her brothers, their gfs, her dad and mom, none of them call or come...I just feel so sad for her and quiet frankly don't care if they accept me... So lost...

 

Your inputs are much appreciated and thanks again for reading...

[ichooseme]

hi just, yes at first i was in this country, Holland to be precise, for studies, but then decided to stay permanently.

 

I like the testicle and blood sucking part, at times it does feel like it, but things do get better, for instance now that we're more or less sure we're gonna be together no matter what, we do agree on many things, such as having free days just for stuff each of us has to do or wants to do. She's more secure in the last months, and is totally comfortable to be on her own it seems, so i feel like some pressure is off my shoulders..

Besides the negative sides, she does bring something to the relationship, besides leaving her parents for me, she cooks almost every day for me, not some microwave food, but literally cuts and slices in the kitchen and makes it all pretty and delicious, she buys me clothes and enjoys it a lot, is mostly warm...But when we argue, i don't know, she just knows how to push my buttons for me to go insane basically. And it's even harder with my temper when i can't even punch or hit her, because Im simply not capable of that, but if it was a guy it would have been so much easier to solve issues...sigh. In any case, when i tell her about her parents throwing her out and her still caring for them, she just goes: "you don't understand me and never will, i mean they're my PARENTS!" and that's all there is to it, no matter how they treated her and no matter how arrogant and ignorant her brothers are she still cares and still feels sad and can't seem to move on and live her life to the fullest. I mean what kind of parents dont call and come to see their only daughter???

She requires a LOT of patience is all i can say and leaving her is not an option, perhaps i can make her understand better, because right now she thinks she is the one under most pressure, under most problems and such whereas my problems are just childplay compared to her...since you know, she has "no" parents now and no real friends and has many resits and I have at least my family...sigh