How Much of Love Is Just Luck?

[iris219]

I dunno... I look at Iris, or myself, and at least for me personally, I can't imagine where I went wrong. And I've analyzed it to death.

 

Heck, even now, I think I'm doing everything "right." I work out, I wear make-up, I have hobbies, I get out of the house frequently, I live in a big city, I've tried online dating several times. And yet I've had zero, at times even negative, luck.

 

So, it really does just seem to come down to "Our luck sucks."

 

I know I'm not actively doing anything wrong. I’m in shape, I’m smart, I’m educated, I’m pretty, I have a good job, I’m funny, I'm friendly, I’m kind. (The last guy I dated said he didn’t expect me to be so nice. When I asked why, he said, “Girls who look like you typically aren’t.”) I've analyzed it too and the only thing I've done that could be considered "wrong" is having low standards, but that's been out of necessity, otherwise I'd NEVER date.

 

I have amazing friends who love me and who lament the fact that someone they consider awesome is single.

 

I’ve had a couple LTR and my exes would speak positively about me.

 

I absolutely believe that much of it is luck and it's just not supposed to happen for some people, even thought these people are good people who deserve love. I hope this isn't the case for you V (you're still young), but I'm pretty sure that's my fate.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Why did this woman have a doctor husband and a baby on the way, and I’ve never even been in situation where any of that was a possibility?

 

Didn't you have a fairly successful singer smitten with you some time ago?

[iris219]

Didn't you have a fairly successful singer smitten with you some time ago?

 

Me? No. I don’t think wannabe musicians who are also players count.

[HallowedBeThyName]

luck doesn't exist, it's when hard work and preparation meets opportunity

[Star Gazer]

If you're emotionally healthy and desirous of a loving relationship, I truly believe it's just a matter of putting yourself out there, luck and perfect timing in having it all come together.

[iris219]

If you're emotionally healthy and desirous of a loving relationship, I truly believe it's just a matter of putting yourself out there, luck and perfect timing in having it all come together.

 

I believe this too, but I believe it’s incredibly difficult for all of these elements to come together. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for some people.

[HallowedBeThyName]

I believe this too, but I believe it’s incredibly difficult for all of these elements to come together. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for some people.

 

 

 

You said you're pretty and nice in your previous post, why don't you approach good looking gentlemen when you go out??

[CarrieT]

I am 27. I hang out at book stores, comic book shops, nerdy conventions. I work in IT for a company of about 300 employees, but all the guys are engaged/married. (I am really not kidding. Every.Single.One.)

 

I was you 20 years ago (heck I went to ComiCon when there were only 1,000 of us attending...)

 

It took a LOT of work to get into relationships, not luck.

 

Heck, my track record was such that if a guy slept with me more than once, I considered it a relationship.

 

Life is weird that way. But it DOES take perseverance and a better life attitude than you seem to be presenting lately. Negativity can be sensed miles away.

 

I also don't believe in the "when you least expect it" concept. But I know the crowds you are hanging around in and there are still a lot of single guys there; just keep working it.

[d'Arthez]

If you're emotionally healthy and desirous of a loving relationship, I truly believe it's just a matter of putting yourself out there, luck and perfect timing in having it all come together.

That is assuming you don't live in a hellhole; in urban areas you should be fine.

 

If I had to date in the community I grew up in, a S&W - point and click interface would have been quite an attractive proposition.

[verhrzn]

You said you're pretty and nice in your previous post, why don't you approach good looking gentlemen when you go out??

 

Maybe there aren't men around. Most of the places I frequent either don't have men hanging around (bookstores, craft stores), or the men there aren't single.

 

I also can't speak for Iris, but approaching men for me is pointless. I always end up with a guy who isn't actually into me. He dates me out of desperation/boredom because I chased him, and he was too shy/scared to go after the girl he really liked.

[OliveOyl]

I don't believe in "luck" at all-- I'm one of those weird "law of attraction" believers where things happen according to spiritual laws which ARE under our ability to direct/control; however knowing so, it is not always easy (in fact it can feel damn hard) because it can involve changing long-held thought patterns and beliefs.

 

But in a nutshell, things (e.g. meeting the right people) happen according to intensity of desire combined with belief in ability to do so. If someone has strong positive desire but believes it is near impossible to meet the right person, then that cancels things out and nothing (much) happens. Likewise, if you believe it's really possible but don't really put any energy into wanting/thinking/making it happen, then it can take a long time. It's when those who KNOW (really know, strong positive belief and expectation) combined with really WANT (strong positive emotion) that things tend to happen the easiest/fastest, etc.

 

Cheerfully awaiting all the negative comments from the skeptical crowd.

[iris219]

Maybe there aren't men around. Most of the places I frequent either don't have men hanging around (bookstores, craft stores), or the men there aren't single.

 

Are there places where an abundance of single men over a certain age exist (over 25 for V, over 30 for myself)?

 

I've pointed out recently on here that I've met two single men this year. Is this bad luck or are there really none out there?

[fortyninethousand322]

Are there places where an abundance of single men over a certain age exist (over 25 for V, over 30 for myself)?

 

I've pointed out recently on here that I've met two single men this year. Is this bad luck or are there really none out there?

 

In this new technological era, I don't think people go out as often as they used to. Looking for single people (of either sex) is going to seem like looking for a needle in a stack of needles. Some luck has to be involved.

[iris219]

If someone has strong positive desire but believes it is near impossible to meet the right person, then that cancels things out and nothing (much) happens.

 

How do start believing the right person is out there and you are meant to meet that person when EVERY ONE of your experiences has confirmed otherwise?

[verhrzn]

I don't believe in "luck" at all-- I'm one of those weird "law of attraction" believers where things happen according to spiritual laws which ARE under our ability to direct/control; however knowing so, it is not always easy (in fact it can feel damn hard) because it can involve changing long-held thought patterns and beliefs.

 

But in a nutshell, things (e.g. meeting the right people) happen according to intensity of desire combined with belief in ability to do so. If someone has strong positive desire but believes it is near impossible to meet the right person, then that cancels things out and nothing (much) happens. Likewise, if you believe it's really possible but don't really put any energy into wanting/thinking/making it happen, then it can take a long time. It's when those who KNOW (really know, strong positive belief and expectation) combined with really WANT (strong positive emotion) that things tend to happen the easiest/fastest, etc.

 

Cheerfully awaiting all the negative comments from the skeptical crowd.

 

I don't know if I'm skeptical so much as distressed by that belief.

 

It just keeps circling back to "well, if you're alone, you're to blame" which is what I'm trying to get away from. There is already so much pressure and this overwhelming social message that if you're single, it's because you're "doing something wrong" (lazy, ugly, a hermit, what have you.)

 

Being able to say that a lot of love is luck and circumstance can remove that guilt and pressure, which can lead to a more relaxed outlook on life.

 

For example, I've been trying to ditch this need for a relationship for ages. I have been unable to do it, I think partially I'm constantly being told that I'M to blame. That if I'd just change my looks/beliefs/attitude/location, it would happen for me. The constant energy I put towards changing has neither resulted in a relationship, or rid me of wanting a relationship.

 

If it comes down to luck, however, I can finally stop wasting all the energy on worrying about what's wrong with me. I'm just unlucky... nothing I can do about it. That could potentially be a better avenue to follow towards ditching the need for a relationship as well.... The finality of knowing it just isn't going to happen (because I'm unlucky) means I could stop trying.

 

I just really, really don't like the "blame" idea that comes along with the Law of Attraction business. Like the only reason you're not rich and surrounded by men is because you just don't want it enough.

[OhHey]

Is finding love like winning the lottery... a matter of chance?

 

 

To me it is.

 

I don't have energy enough or need enough to go out trying to find it. I don't want to fall into the "desperate and settle for anyone and think it's true love" trap.

 

I'd rather just see if it happens...if it dunnit....then f'ck it I have better things to do then fret over not having some other human in my life.

[iris219]

I don't know if I'm skeptical so much as distressed by that belief.

 

It just keeps circling back to "well, if you're alone, you're to blame" which is what I'm trying to get away from. There is already so much pressure and this overwhelming social message that if you're single, it's because you're "doing something wrong" (lazy, ugly, a hermit, what have you.)

 

Being able to say that a lot of love is luck and circumstance can remove that guilt and pressure, which can lead to a more relaxed outlook on life.

 

For example, I've been trying to ditch this need for a relationship for ages. I have been unable to do it, I think partially I'm constantly being told that I'M to blame. That if I'd just change my looks/beliefs/attitude/location, it would happen for me. The constant energy I put towards changing has neither resulted in a relationship, or rid me of wanting a relationship.

 

If it comes down to luck, however, I can finally stop wasting all the energy on worrying about what's wrong with me. I'm just unlucky... nothing I can do about it. That could potentially be a better avenue to follow towards ditching the need for a relationship as well.... The finality of knowing it just isn't going to happen (because I'm unlucky) means I could stop trying.

 

I just really, really don't like the "blame" idea that comes along with the Law of Attraction business. Like the only reason you're not rich and surrounded by men is because you just don't want it enough.

 

This is why I'm probably less upset about being perpetually single than you because I don't see how it could be my fault. I'm not someone who avoids accountability or avoids admitting when I wrong, but I simply don't see what else I could do. There's nothing I can change about myself to make myself more appealing. I'm pretty appealing already, at least as much as or more so than others who have found relationships. I have reached a point of acceptance because there's nothing I can change.

 

Some people are simply unlucky. Haven't we all known good people who seem to have so much go wrong in their lives?

 

And what about the people who say they didn’t even want a relationship, yet they met someone anyway? That seems to contradict the whole positive thought equals positive result. I have a feeling that those who believe in the Law of Attraction, as it relates to dating, are currently in a happy relationship.

[OliveOyl]

 

I just really, really don't like the "blame" idea that comes along with the Law of Attraction business. Like the only reason you're not rich and surrounded by men is because you just don't want it enough.

 

I don't see it really as you're to "blame" -- that term has a very judgemental feel to it that I just don't share. It doesn't mean you are unworthy or are undeserving of a relationship. Every one "deserves" a relationship; I tend to think the Universe doesn't really care or judge in the way you judge yourself.

 

I really see it as a more impersonal "law" in the same way that if I stepped off platform, I would start falling because of the law of gravity. Yes the falling was because of my actions, but I don't "blame" myself for falling because I know that anyone who stepped off the platform would fall too.

 

Not sure if this makes any sense but the basic underlying point I'm trying to make is you're trying to figure out what is wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with you except that you think that something is wrong with you. And that's what's slowing down your ability to create/attract what you want. You see?

[Heart Of A Lion]

Some people are simply unlucky. Haven't we all known good people who seem to have so much go wrong in their lives?

 

You're 100% right on this, but luck is also a matter of odds and odds can be increased.

 

You said for example that you live in a small town, you also said that the type of men in that town weren't your type.

 

So to increase your chances you would need to move. For example to the West Coast, where there's a surplus of single men. You could try to get a job there in a big city.

 

That would increase your odds of meeting a suitable man and if you'd do OLD there, then that would increase your chances even more. There's bound to be a single guy out there among the surplus of hundreds of thousands of single men.

 

But you haven't made that step, so it isn't completely due to being unlucky, it is also partly due to not being driven enough to do what it takes.

[verhrzn]

You're 100% right on this, but luck is also a matter of odds and odds can be increased.

 

You said for example that you live in a small town, you also said that the type of men in that town weren't your type.

 

So to increase your chances you would need to move. For example to the West Coast, where there's a surplus of single men. You could try to get a job there in a big city.

 

That would increase your odds of meeting a suitable man and if you'd do OLD there, then that would increase your chances even more. There's bound to be a single guy out there among the surplus of hundreds of thousands of single men.

 

But you haven't made that step, so it isn't completely due to being unlucky, it is also partly due to not being driven enough to do what it takes.

 

Well my odds are the best they can be (supposedly live in a city with lots of single men, go out often, have interesting hobbies, etc. etc.) and yet I still have awful/negative luck.

 

So, even in cases of good odds, people can still be unlucky.

[zengirl]

It's traits, luck, actions, and priorities.

 

Traits: You have to have what someone is looking for. Some of those traits, like height or a body type or green eyes, just are what they are. Some of those traits, like wit and kindness and smarts and fitness, are something you can develop -- most, I'd say, but not all.

 

Luck: Timing has to come together for you at some point. Most people who are lucky make their own luck though, with good thinking, mental health, good choices, and good actions.

 

Actions: You have to take the right actions to put yourself out there and attract the opposite sex. Some people do this easily; others need to learn through failure.

 

Priorities: You have to prioritize love and relationships. Other priorities, like living somewhere remote or working 80 hours per week, can make your love life take a major hit.

 

Surely luck plays a role in everything we do, including love, but not a major one, IMO.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Well my odds are the best they can be (supposedly live in a city with lots of single men, go out often, have interesting hobbies, etc. etc.) and yet I still have awful/negative luck.

 

So, even in cases of good odds, people can still be unlucky.

 

In terms of location you might have better odds than Iris, but like Iris, you too could take steps to increase your odds. However I think your odds have more to do with your own perspective/outlook and your own feeling of self-worth.

[verhrzn]

In terms of location you might have better odds than Iris, but like Iris, you too could take steps to increase your odds. However I think your odds have more to do with your own perspective/outlook and your own feeling of self-worth.

 

How exactly could I increase my odds? And what exactly is wrong with my perspective and outlook?

[iris219]

It's traits, luck, actions, and priorities.

 

Traits: You have to have what someone is looking for. Some of those traits, like height or a body type or green eyes, just are what they are. Some of those traits, like wit and kindness and smarts and fitness, are something you can develop -- most, I'd say, but not all.

 

Luck: Timing has to come together for you at some point. Most people who are lucky make their own luck though, with good thinking, mental health, good choices, and good actions.

 

Actions: You have to take the right actions to put yourself out there and attract the opposite sex. Some people do this easily; others need to learn through failure.

 

Priorities: You have to prioritize love and relationships. Other priorities, like living somewhere remote or working 80 hours per week, can make your love life take a major hit.

 

Surely luck plays a role in everything we do, including love, but not a major one, IMO.

 

I agree with most of this except for how you define and the weight you attribute to luck.

 

To me, luck occurs whether you try or not. Luck is something that happens regardless of what you do. You can increase your odds of something occurring, but if you have bad luck you will not win, even if your odds seem better than someone else’s.

 

Example: I went to college with a girl who was basically a hooker. She would meet old men online and they would pay her bills in exchange for sexual favors. She would date men her own age as well and use them until she was tired of them. She told me stopped counting the men she had slept with at around 60. She’s now married to a very nice, wealthy man (he’s her age). Her husband, of course, doesn’t know about her past.

 

I, on the other hand, meet neither nice nor wealthy men and I feel like I’ve always positioned myself better than her. I’ve never used people, I’ve always been honest, and I’ve never been promiscuous, yet I haven't been rewarded with the opportunity to meet suitable people.

 

Luck, in my opinion, plays a HUGE role in meeting the right person.

[MaxNoob]

She told me stopped counting the men she had slept with at around 60.

 

I can scientifically prove that she's a hoe.

 

If relationships were just a matter of chance, then between any 2 people, there would be a 50% chance that person A would get into a relationship first. The odds of person A always getting a new relationship first is like the odds of repeatedly guessing a coin flip correctly.

 

The odds of correctly guessing a coin flip 7 times in a row: 1 in 128

20 times in a row: 1 in 1,048,576

60 times in a row: 1 in 1.15 x 10^18

 

That's ridiculously improbable, even with selection bias. You'd have to conclude that it's not a game of chance and it's not luck; she's rigging the game by being a hoe.