verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've been wondering for a while if finding love maybe just comes down to a matter of luck. I think a lot of sayings that people tell singles support this: like how if you just stop looking, love will suddenly find you. Doesn't that idea rest on supposing that love has very little to do with what you're doing, and is just a matter of circumstance and "happening"? Obviously there are ways you can increase your luck: if I buy 50 lottery tickets, statistically speaking, I have a better chance than if I had bought 1, but that still doesn't necessarily mean I will win the lottery with either. I think a philosophy that finding love is a matter of luck could help a lot of people stop blaming themselves, and feeling guilty. I often feel guilty and ashamed that I am perpetually single... what is wrong with me that I can't manage something as fundamental as a romantic relationship, which so, so many people manage to have? But if it's luck, well, then, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just unlucky. What do you guys think? Is finding love like winning the lottery... a matter of chance?
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Well, 'luck' inherently affects every aspect of life, and love would be no exception. As to 'how much' it does, I really don't think it's possible to quantify it to that extent. You are attempting to apply a deterministic approach to a non-deterministic system - the universe that we live in. It ain't gonna work.
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Well, 'luck' inherently affects every aspect of life, and love would be no exception. As to 'how much' it does, I really don't think it's possible to quantify it to that extent. You are attempting to apply a deterministic approach to a non-deterministic system - the universe that we live in. It ain't gonna work. Sure, it's difficult to qualify how much, but if someone can look at themselves in the mirror and say "I'm unlucky, that's just how it is," that might go a long way toward ridding them of the social guilt, and desire for a relationship. If I knew I was just unlucky, and that the situation is largely out of my hands, then I could stop feeling so pressured to "change" myself, and just settle down to dying alone.
oaks Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 The whole "it'll happen when you least expect it" concept is a load of rubbish. People say similar things in all sorts of situations when they want to be nice and sympathetic towards your plight but don't really have any constructive advice to offer: no boy/girlfriend, no job, no promotion, no baby. It is, however, possible to try too hard and ruin your chances in doing so (for example, if you end up coming over as desperate). There are elements of luck in finding love, especially if you meet that special person by chance, but there's no harm in taking steps to improve the odds! 4
iris219 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've come to believe that most of it is luck. At the grocery store yesterday I noticed a very pregnant woman who reminded me physically of myself. It’s why I noticed her. She was tall, blond, thin (except for the baby bump.) She was there with her husband, a man in scrubs who appeared to be a doctor. Why did this woman have a doctor husband and a baby on the way, and I’ve never even been in situation where any of that was a possibility? It has to be a matter of the right place at the right time. I’m certain some people have terrible luck when it comes to dating. They aren't doing anything wrong; they just have very bad luck (raises hand).
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Sure, it's difficult to qualify how much, but if someone can look at themselves in the mirror and say "I'm unlucky, that's just how it is," that might go a long way toward ridding them of the social guilt, and desire for a relationship. If I knew I was just unlucky, and that the situation is largely out of my hands, then I could stop feeling so pressured to "change" myself, and just settle down to dying alone. But where do the limits lie between 'I'm unlucky' and 'I should have done something different'? You're looking for a fixed divide between the two. There is none save what you yourself perceive. Usually it is a mix between the two, and not just one.
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've come to believe that most of it is luck. At the grocery store yesterday I noticed a very pregnant woman who reminded me physically of myself. It’s why I noticed her. She was tall, blond, thin (except for the baby bump.) She was there with her husband, a man in scrubs who appeared to be a doctor. Why did this woman have a doctor husband and a baby on the way, and I’ve never even been in situation where any of that was a possibility? It has to be a matter of the right place at the right time. I’m certain some people have terrible luck when it comes to dating. They aren't doing anything wrong; they just have very bad luck (raises hand). But you're judging those people solely based on their surface. All you know about them is that she looks like you and he could be a doctor (nurses and medical aides who work in surgery wear scrubs too). I'm sure luck could potentially be a factor, but surely the knowledge you have of them isn't enough to base ANY judgments on? 2
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 But where do the limits lie between 'I'm unlucky' and 'I should have done something different'? You're looking for a fixed divide between the two. There is none save what you yourself perceive. Usually it is a mix between the two, and not just one. I dunno... I look at Iris, or myself, and at least for me personally, I can't imagine where I went wrong. And I've analyzed it to death. Heck, even now, I think I'm doing everything "right." I work out, I wear make-up, I have hobbies, I get out of the house frequently, I live in a big city, I've tried online dating several times. And yet I've had zero, at times even negative, luck. So, it really does just seem to come down to "Our luck sucks."
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 In that case, apparently so. I will be the first to agree that luck plays a huge part in everything. The fact that we are alive and who we are is a huge bundle of good luck to begin with.
d'Arthez Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Ultimately, "luck" or "chance" is simply everything beyond human understanding. Life is not fair either. You can be the most wonderful person, but you can keep running into people at the wrong time, make a poor judgment call or simply have "bad luck". Life is too complicated to be governed by a limited set of abstract laws that we can formulate as humans. I would not call OP perpetually single either, but rather as someone who has been in a fair number of relationships that did not work out; for reasons that can be understood - and I think OP is making good progress in understanding those. There are different ways to go about forming and maintaining relationships. It is not a matter of forming relationships quickly (it can work, but chances that they are longterm successes are somewhat limited), but rather have a solid foundation and then build good relationships. Different strategies work / don't work for different people. That is one of the paradoxes in life. 2
TheFinalWord Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I think a lot of sayings that people tell singles support this: like how if you just stop looking, love will suddenly find you. Generally speaking that only applies to women. I know you ask guys out, but most don't. If a man applied that philosophy he would never have a girlfriend/wife. If a girl is attractive and has something to offer, eventually she will get asked out. So she can stop looking and just wait. If a man sits around and waits, he won't get anywhere since men do the asking 9 times out of 10. 1
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 If a girl is attractive and has something to offer, eventually she will get asked out. So she can stop looking and just wait. Great, yet another male confirming that I am a freak or even uglier than I suspected, as I have never been asked out. See why saying I'm just unlucky, I'll just settle down to die alone, is much less emotionally wrought?
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 ....As opposed to all of the other people on this thread, including two OTHER males, who disagree with his perspective? 1
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 ....As opposed to all of the other people on this thread, including two OTHER males, who disagree with his perspective? Doesn't mean I don't get sick of hearing "oh if you're female, you'll get asked out" over and over and over again...
TheFinalWord Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Great, yet another male confirming that I am a freak or even uglier than I suspected, as I have never been asked out. See why saying I'm just unlucky, I'll just settle down to die alone, is much less emotionally wrought? LOL I think you read into that a bit Too many variables for you to go from never being asked out to I'm an ugly freak. How old are you? That's going to make a big difference. A lot depends on the environment you're in too. Where do you hang out?
Els Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Doesn't mean I don't get sick of hearing "oh if you're female, you'll get asked out" over and over and over again... Byproduct of being on a Dating Woes forum, dontcha think?
TheFinalWord Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 LOL I think you read into that a bit Too many variables for you to go from never being asked out to I'm an ugly freak. How old are you? That's going to make a big difference. A lot depends on the environment you're in too. Where do you hang out? Also, a lot of people date at work. I don't know if I would call that good luck or not as it usually ends in disaster
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 LOL I think you read into that a bit Too many variables for you to go from never being asked out to I'm an ugly freak. How old are you? That's going to make a big difference. A lot depends on the environment you're in too. Where do you hang out? What are you talking about? That is exactly what you said... "an attractive female will stuff to offer will get asked out." Well I have things to offer, so either I'm ugly, or a freak. I am 27. I hang out at book stores, comic book shops, nerdy conventions. I work in IT for a company of about 300 employees, but all the guys are engaged/married. (I am really not kidding. Every.Single.One.) So. Bad luck, or freak?
oaks Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 And yet I've had zero, at times even negative, luck. I thought you'd had relationships before? Sure, they didn't work out and you're single now, but it's not as if you've had zero success in this area. I'm single at the moment, which means that all my previous relationships have failed, but I don't consider myself to be a failure or that I've had no luck in love/relationships even though I don't want to be single at the moment. I may have commented before that, sometimes, you come across as a glass-half-empty person. I wonder if this is one of those times. 2
Author verhrzn Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 I thought you'd had relationships before? Sure, they didn't work out and you're single now, but it's not as if you've had zero success in this area. I'm single at the moment, which means that all my previous relationships have failed, but I don't consider myself to be a failure or that I've had no luck in love/relationships even though I don't want to be single at the moment. I may have commented before that, sometimes, you come across as a glass-half-empty person. I wonder if this is one of those times. Yeah, I had relationships, but they were relationships in which the guys didn't even like me. They were dating me out of desperation or boredom. So I'm pretty sure those don't count. As far as being glass-half-empty... well, a former friend has decided I am the worst person on the face of the earth, and yesterday a guy at the gym muttered to his friend that they should stop letting land whales into the free weights area. Really not sure how to make those glass-half-full situations. That sure sounds like negative luck to me.
oaks Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Yeah, I had relationships, but they were relationships in which the guys didn't even like me. They were dating me out of desperation or boredom. So I'm pretty sure those don't count. Did you enjoy no part of any of them? I'm sorry to hear that. Don't forget (or learn for the first time if you haven't heard this before!), people say all sorts of things after a relationship goes sour to justify getting out of it... "never even liked her" "was only f...ing her until something better came along" etc are the sort of immature 'justifications' that some guys make for their own relationship shortcomings. (I suspect some women do similar, lest this spin out of control into a gender thing!) As far as being glass-half-empty... well, a former friend has decided I am the worst person on the face of the earth, and yesterday a guy at the gym muttered to his friend that they should stop letting land whales into the free weights area. Really not sure how to make those glass-half-full situations. Yes, those do sound like bad situations, and the comments from the guys at the gym can't really be spun into anything positive, however, I was trying to point out that it isn't always like that, viz. you have had relationships. That sure sounds like negative luck to me. Well, the guys in the gym just sound like rude dbags. Not sure that luck has anything to do with it.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 This answer will probably sound kind of snarky (because it is), but a very interesting person once said "half of everything is luck" and the other half is fate. So love is probably 50% luck.
TheFinalWord Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 What are you talking about? That is exactly what you said... "an attractive female will stuff to offer will get asked out." Well I have things to offer, so either I'm ugly, or a freak. I am 27. I hang out at book stores, comic book shops, nerdy conventions. I work in IT for a company of about 300 employees, but all the guys are engaged/married. (I am really not kidding. Every.Single.One.) So. Bad luck, or freak? Attractive is more than just physical though. In general you seem kind of like a negative person. That is unattractive. Attitude is a choice, nothing to do with luck or what you look like. For example, you just lashed out at me and made assumptions without even asking for clarification. I know it's an internet forum but you seem to jump to a lot of conclusions. You have a lot to offer, but what about a nice personality? No matter how good you look, no man is going to want to be with a woman that is moody or pessimistic on a regular basis. Just sayin', do what you want with my opinion! Is your personality ugly? That's what you need to ask yourself. And you can 100% control it, if you really want to. No luck needed!
EasyHeart Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 A lot of everything in life is luck. But a lot of it isn't. The difference between luck and effort is that you can't count on luck. So work hard for what you want because you have complete control over that aspect of your life. 1
d'Arthez Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 A lot of everything in life is luck. But a lot of it isn't. The difference between luck and effort is that you can't count on luck. So work hard for what you want because you have complete control over that aspect of your life. There are situations in which you are better off depending on luck than on effort. At some point putting in more effort can be detrimental to one's chances as well. Life is mysterious.
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