Sh3rlock Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Thought I was done with posting on forums. Seems I may have fallen off the wagon again. With the help of some great people on the internet, I'm pretty sure I have this resolved, but I'm interested to see what some of ya'll think is going on here. Curiosity is a killer. Pretty sure this is a classic GIGS situation (refer here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome). I've been working on moving on with my life, realizing that he clearly cannot accept the type of love I wanted to give him. Never wanted to possess him. My feelings for him didn't fulfill some basal need. I loved him truly for him. So, this is going to be a long post. If you want the short and choppy version, scroll to the end for the TL;DR. I can provide even more details if necessary. --Commence wall of text-- I graduated college this year, 22F, staying in the area of my undergrad for the next two years to get my masters. He's a sophomore, 20M, going home in the summer, then abroad for the fall. At the start of our relationship, things were fantastic. He was scared to open up, but did. He actually wrote me a note saying, "I underestimated my fear. Letting someone into that window of my heart is really hard, but you make me believe it is possible to love. I really love you." Our relationship was very open, communicative, affectionate. We pushed each other to excel in our individual pursuits, wanted each other to have adventures solo and together, and truly built each other up emotionally and mentally. He even came to visit me over our winter holiday, and spent a week with my family and I. He said he hoped things would always stay as they are while building our relationship, but I said they can't because of where we're going. We just needed to hold on to how we feel and work hard at making time for each other during our very busy second semester. When we came back to school, things seemed strange. I would ask to hang out with him on weekends, and he would say how he needed time alone with his friends when we would be partying. Obviously, we both needed our time to our friends alone, but he even said, "I have difficulty incorporating my significant others into my friend groups." But, his friends loved me. The few times we hung out together, they adored me. Some of his friends would even seek me out for advice, or share intellectual conversation with me. I felt arbitrary restrictions being pulled up, and I felt that I had to initiate spending our time together. I would work fast and furious on work, applications, and activities to make time for him, and it always seemed I had to reach out to him in order to make time for us. Or, when I would make time he would not want to take that time to see me. He also began to put restrictions on displays of affection, then emotion, and then sex. All the barriers seemed so arbitrary, and it left me so confused. I would question him about it, and he was very unrelenting to change or understand my needs. I also questioned his motives for the future, as every time our eventual departure came up in conversation, he wanted to ignore it and just focus on the now. But, how could we have a stable now without the hope for a future that involved so much distance? The most salient detail is this: he wanted to go on a trip with friends over the weekend of my graduation. I really wanted him there (obviously). Each time I would bring that up after he had finalized the plans with friends, he said that it would work out, and he would figure it out. But, saying and doing are two different things in my book. He broke up with me at a party (this was the 5 month mark), and some of the things he said were: "How are we sure we have these feelings for each other?" "I'm not sure I know how to be in a relationship." "I'm not sure if we should break up or take a break?" After this dramatic and embarrassing encounter, I found it difficult to be friends with him, which he wanted to be so badly. We did not talk for over a month, and when he tried to I tried to keep conversation short. But, I ended up sounding cold. I finally just flat out told him I need him to not talk to me. He still ignored this request, and I resented him for it. He really did not do anything wrong, but this all just stung. When we finally could have friendly interactions, they were short. We both felt something click Sunday (May 6) and felt compelled to arrange to hang out/meet up while we were at a club meeting (he even texted me apologizing for sounding abrupt in person which he wasn't). But, Monday (May 7), something strange happened. He joined my study group, and we both were teasing each other, then went on a walk/talk for an hour about stuff that is going on in our lives (nothing about the relationship though). He was talking to me like we used to when we were dating. He even waited to walk with me home, not before agreeing to my spontaneous idea to trespass on a construction site! This was all at 3 AM. He then walked me almost the entire way back to my apartment, parting ways when it made sense for him to in order to get to his building. We met up a final time on May 13 for dinner. We caught up on a lot of things, and some things he said made me wonder. I talked about one of my friends he never met, and he said, "It's a shame I never met her". He went on to say, "We never got to do...[named a couple of things]" "I never did show you some of my jazz things, did I?" (should have mentioned we're both musicians...that's how we bonded in friendship and at the beginning of our relationship). We talked about the future, and he said that he was "evolving". We then had to walk together to an event, and he brought up a letter I had sent him over an intense retreat. And he said this, "I think despite all the frustrations that it was all good. We happened at a good time, and when I look back on the year, I knew it was part of my good year. It ran its course, but I'm happy it happened." I thanked him for finally responding, and I honestly said I agreed. That I was happy he was such a positive aspect to my year and life. But, I was honest and said, "I could wish things were different right now, but I won't. Timing sucks." He seemed confused and thought I meant wait till graduation for the BU, and I said, "No. You're a smart guy. I think you know what I mean when I say I could wish this was different." After the event, I gave him a book I wanted him to have, and said my final goodbye verbally and through a message in the book. He was kind of startled, and said he would be around the next day, but I said it is probably impossible to meet with finals, packing, etc. --End wall of text-- So...after that wall of text: does he regret breaking up with me? Is he just trying to be friends? Is he seeing if I would take him back? This all seems too strange to be just friends. Very touch and go in my opinion. TL;DR: Senior girl dates sophomore boy. Fall in love, everything is fantastic. Sophomore boy gets weird upon return to school, and eventually breaks up for seemingly unknown reason after 5 months of dating. He wants to be friends, doesn't understand why I am hesitant. Now it seems like he regrets it. I am in the process of moving on, and doing exciting things with my life. But, if 8 months passes, I'm single, and he comes back? I think I might take him based upon how great things were initially. Does anyone think that might happen?
relationship-pro Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 You two might have potential again in a few years (if you meet up again). Sounds like now there is way too much going on. It also sounds like he wanted you in one compartment and his friends in another, and the two should not co-mingle. That's odd IF he actually viewed you as his girlfriend. You both sound mature but those actions on his part didn't appear to be. Relationships come and go. When young adults are trying to establish their lives through education and finally find a job, who knows where you will end up. You may land a job across the country and many times boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. don't want to follow anyway. When you do finish school and find a place to plant your roots, that would likely be the best time to look into a relationship.
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