Being ignored, tell me what you would do...

[Exit]

Hey everyone I think this is my first foray into the friendship section of LS. Through my past relationship disasters I've come to accept the fact that I have trouble knowing where to set boundaries or stand up for myself. With that in mind, rather that react to the problem I'm having with a friend, I am admitting that I have a track record of making bad decisions and I want to know what other people would do.

 

A few weeks back I sent a random text to a girl I hadn't talked to in a while. We've known each other since high school which is almost 10 years ago, we even dated for a while back then but it was a typical teenage relationship that has pretty much zero bearing on our friendship these days. But like most people we tend to drift in and out of contact. So I sent her a text one day and we started talking again. As we exchanged details she mentioned how she had been with her current bf for almost a year now, cool. Oddly enough, only two or three days after reestablishing contact with her, I get a text from her saying she just got dumped. I gave her the usual support about that, telling her everything would be alright eventually. That weekend she jokingly asked if I would drive her to a fairly distant friend's house and I was bored so I agreed, thinking it would cheer her up rather than having to take a train ride by herself. It was the first time I had seen her in a while. Decent drive together, she put gas in my car so it's not like it was a personal favor. During this first week of contact she was texting me hello almost every morning before I was awake. Not long after giving her that ride, I noticed I hadn't heard from her for a few days, so I gave in and asked her if I had done something to upset her or if she was just being quiet because of her situation or being depressed or whatever. She said it was nothing, she had just been quiet/busy for a few days. Okay, contact reestablished, that week I was back to having good morning texts from her, even told her that I had missed those messages during the days when she had gone quiet. One night last week I woke up to a text from her asking to hang out but I was leaving that night to go out of town for a bit so I couldn't. We kept talking while I was out of town.

 

Anyways, a few nights ago while I was still out of town she sent me a text saying she had asked her ex if she could see him and his kids because she missed them and really treated them like her own, but he told her no. At this point, I simply tried to tell her (based on years of posting at LoveShack) that it would be in her best interest to let go of as many attachments to him as possible, and to accept that knowing his kids/family was part of being in a relationship with him, and now they aren't together. She responded with "I just don't think you understand this situation". Although I think all breakups follow pretty much the same rules, I played along and said "maybe I don't. Just don't want you to prolong your own suffering by trying to hang on to them". She never said anything else that night so I kinda jokingly said "don't hate me, just gave you my opinion that I thought would help. Goodnight".

 

Didn't hear anything from her for a few days. After being the one to get in touch initially, and already having to reestablish the contact that week when she went quiet, I felt like I wasn't going to be the one to say anything this time. But I gave in yesterday and asked her to call me after work, looking for an opportunity to explain that I did not mean to offend her with anything that I said and my intentions were truly just not wanting to see my friend suffer over a breakup more than she has to. My request was meant with a text that said "why", as in why should she call me. I just said "because" and left it at that. I ended up falling asleep that evening so I would have missed her call anyway. I didn't even want to look at my phone today because I knew it would hurt my feelings if she hadn't tried to call. But I just got back in to town, finally looked at my phone, and I have absolutely nothing from her.

 

That's where it stands and this is where I don't know what to do. My first instinct is to text her "what's your deal? All you can say to me in 3 days is "why" because apparently something I said bothered you, even though all I was trying to do was offer an opinion that I thought might help. If you prefer we can just rewind to before I texted you a few weeks ago and go back to not talking". Then I tried to calm down and considered just asking if she's mad at me. Or option 3 is say nothing and stop making an effort with people who apparently don't give a damn about me.

 

The only clarification I want to make is that, like most people these days, her cell phone is practically attached to her body and there is no way in hell she's just been busy for 3-4 days straight. I know when I'm being ignored on purpose.

 

I didn't even want to say anything else to her the night that it happened, but I gave in and I did, asking her not to take it the wrong way and saying goodnight. Then following that and still being ignored I didn't want to be the one to keep trying, but I did, asking her to call me. Now yet again I feel like I don't want to say anything, but apparently I'm always the one willing to go out on a limb to maintain my friendships, but it's getting old.

 

At this point should I retire from being the apologetic doormat and not make another attempt? Should I really give her a piece of my mind just to get the satisfaction of knowing I told her that she's being a jerk? Should I just say nothing at all and go back to not talking to her?

 

I never know where to set boundaries. I don't have many friends and I'm starting to realize that is my reason for trying to stay friends with people who don't treat me all that well. But just like romantic relationships I'm starting to understand that a bad relationship isn't better than being single just cuz you don't want to be alone. Is there anything worth fighting for in this friendship? We were already talking about trying to hang out more and I feel like I'll be letting all that go down the drain just because we can't sort out what was said on that stupid night. But why should I be the only one who cares?

 

Sorry this ended up long but I wanted to provide the details rather than "an old friend hasn't gotten back to me for a few days, should I forget them for good". I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and give me an opinion. Help me decide if this is a time to set a boundary and walk away or if I really should be the one trying to get back in touch yet again.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Exit

[CC12]

I'd walk away if I were you. If she's really upset with you because you offered some friendly advice after she vented her problems to you, then that's kind of unreasonable of her. You guys didn't have solid friendship to begin with, so there's not much to really "fight" for.

 

If you do decide to try talking to her again, I don't think you should give her a piece of your mind. I mean, what would you tell her? "You're a big jerk for not texting me"? If you want to be friends with her, just move past that incident. No more apologizing or explaining what you said. You don't even know if that's why she's not talking to you, because she hasn't even told you what the problem is, which is not what a good friend does. A good friend would say, "Hey, buddy, you were pretty pushy with your advice and that's just not what I needed to hear at that moment. Thanks anyway for trying to help." Or something.

 

Since you said you have problems with setting boundaries, I think that also often has to do with sometimes not knowing when to trust your own judgment, so I just want to make it clear to you that you didn't do anything wrong by giving her advice. Even if she wasn't looking for advice, that's what happens when you moan about your problems to friends. It's natural that your friends would want to help you. You can't fault them for that. So if that's why she's not speaking to you anymore, fine, let her be unjustifiably upset. It's not your fault.

[Exit]

Yeah that last part you mentioned had actually crossed my mind-- was I wrong to say anything in the first place, maybe she didn't want advice but just someone to listen to her. Maybe I should have just given her a 2 cent response like "oh, sorry to hear that". But yeah... she reached out to a friend and I chose to give advice. And I was honestly pushing the envelope a bit, after a few weeks of listening to her and just letting her vent about the breakup and not really injecting much of my own opinion into it, for the first time I tried to nudge her in the right direction a little bit by just saying she'd be happier in the long run if she learns to let go. Obviously it was something she didn't want to hear. I could understand the treatment I'm getting if I had said "good god would you stop crying about it and move on?". I wasn't harsh like that at all.

 

I was really shocked when I finally checked my phone and saw that she hadn't called or not even sent a text to ask what I wanted. I fully expected I'd see a missed call and explain to her that I fell asleep and pick up from there...

 

I am leaning towards just letting it go. Up until a few weeks ago she wasn't a part of my life. A few short weeks later and what do I have to show for my efforts? Someone treating me like dirt and ignoring me. The easiest thing seems to just back up to a few weeks ago when I wasn't even talking to her and go about my business since apparently this isn't going to be a mutual friendship. Just because we met in high school doesn't mean I still want to behave like teenagers, I hate people who can't be more proactive than just ignoring someone when they're upset.

 

This is where I need to learn to respect myself. Maybe life is delivering me the perfect opportunity to put what I've learned into practice. I don't deserve this treatment, I certainly wouldn't ignore her if she asked me to call. I'm going to leave it. If she wants to be decent enough to get in touch in a few days, I'd be more than happy to talk to her. If not, oh well, back to not knowing her.

[CC12]

maybe she didn't want advice but just someone to listen to her. Maybe I should have just given her a 2 cent response like "oh, sorry to hear that".

 

She probably didn't want advice. It's often nice if one can just vent without any real added input from others, but conversations have to go two ways. It's selfish and unrealistic to want another human being to silence themselves so that you can unload your personal problems onto them.

 

 

I was really shocked when I finally checked my phone and saw that she hadn't called or not even sent a text to ask what I wanted.

 

Eh, I'll be honest, I'm not that shocked. I don't think I would have responded to your message, either. She asked you why you wanted her to call you, and you said, "Because." Which, to me, means "Because I said so." I'd kind of be like, "Pfft. You're not my mother. I don't do things 'because you said so.'" It probably would have been better if you had just told her why you wanted to talk to her - "Because it feels like our friendship has changed and I was wondering what happened" or something. But don't go back into apologetic mode. She was the one with an issue, she should have brought it up if she valued the friendship.

 

 

I am leaning towards just letting it go. Up until a few weeks ago she wasn't a part of my life. A few short weeks later and what do I have to show for my efforts? Someone treating me like dirt and ignoring me. The easiest thing seems to just back up to a few weeks ago when I wasn't even talking to her and go about my business since apparently this isn't going to be a mutual friendship.

....

 

I'm going to leave it. If she wants to be decent enough to get in touch in a few days, I'd be more than happy to talk to her. If not, oh well, back to not knowing her.

 

I think this is a very healthy attitude.