Ruby Slippers Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 For whatever reason, lately I seem to be meeting guys at one extreme of the spectrum or the other - lazy but sexy deadbeats, or hard-driving exec-level guys doing very well for themselves. But something that keeps coming up with the guys with money is that they are often flashy about it, and I find this to be a turn-off. For example, I had a first phone call with a guy from online dating tonight. He says in his profile he's a "sales exec" making $100-150K. I have no idea why anybody would list their income on a dating profile. I mean, I guess because he thinks it's attractive. But I think that's too personal to disclose on a dating site. Then, while we're on the phone, he suggests we go ahead and get our Google stalking out in the open while we're talking, and tells me I can find lots of info on him if I just search on his phone number. So I do, and find his company web site, LinkedIn, and Facebook page. He invites me to look through his FB pictures, and while I'm browsing, is like, "Did you see the picture of my Mercedes?" Now, granted, it's a cool car - an old-school, classic Benz. But still. Why the need to flaunt it? Other than these kind of comments, he seems very cool. He's very intelligent, which is one of the main things that attracts me. He's cute, tall, and is interested in a lot of the same creative things that I am. We are also a perfect astro match. I can only suppose that he's insecure in some way, and feels he needs to reel the ladies in with his money. But I wish he would just shut up about it and let me get to know him for who he is. Is this as much of a red flag as it feels like to me?
HallowedBeThyName Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I have a lot of experience with rich people. My brother in law is very very well off and my best friend's family is loaded with people who make double or triple what your friend makes I would say that guys like that are just insecure and they've read too much about how women are instantly turned on by any man who flaunts his money. It's really a very annoying habit, but I would say he's probably more in the minority than majority of rich people. The people I know who are very wealthy are pretty modest the majority of the time
musemaj11 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Many men dont understand that even though all women are gold diggers, but they dont like to be made to feel like gold diggers. 2
Northman Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've made this mistake, too. My parents are running a globally active industrial corporation and thus I also didn't really have to worry about money and made the mistake of using this fact to "attract" girls. However, this didn't really bring me the girls I wanted in my life. I had to understand that I don't need just a relationship - I need a relationship with the right person who can really help me to grow. Since I learnt this, I don't take anything from my parents anymore and pay my study with the money I earn through my own businesses although it isn't that much and I have to take care of my finances much more carefully. I prefer hiding my background as much as possible. A partner will usually see it anyway once I take them to my parent's home, so there's no need to hurry. And if I am close enough to a girl to actually introduce her to my family, money won't be important anymore anyway. Therefore, I can only advice you to not let money lure you into a relationship and to stay away from guys who aren't confident enough to attract girls with their personality rather than with their background.
gibson Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Don't lump the people that are fortunate with money, nice houses, expensive toys, nice cars, etc. into the same boat as this guy. If we have money, it is going to be apparent through no fault of our own. Those things do not define us but it's not something that we are going to hide, be embarrassed about or feel guilty over. Having said all of that... I think this particular guy is insecure or does not know / realize his own self-worth. Since he thinks he has little or nothing to offer, he over-compensates by "suggestively selling" himself with his job, money, toys, cars, etc. to make up for whatever it is he thinks he is lacking. He still could be a nice guy or he very well might be what a call a "cheesed!ck". If you have any interest still, tell him that you like nice things but he acts like he just "fell into a windfall" and it is major turn off. Depending on his reaction, you will have a good idea if he is a nice guy with self-esteem and self-worth issues (which could be large or small and problematic) or if he is just a "cheesed!ck". 1
musemaj11 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 But why offer anything else when offering money works best with women? Money is simply the easiest way into a woman's heart. In order to get a woman, I have to use my personality and physical attractiveness because Im just not wealthy enough. But if I have the money, Im going to use it because it will save me time and effort. 1
january2011 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 It could be a combination of things: nerves, he acts this way all the time, in public and in private, he's been socialised to think that this is what matters in OLD or this is what matters in general. Perhaps he's a little too salesy and boastful for you - some sales people are always 'switched on' and don't know how to be discreet and humble. They're constantly trying to close the deal and push why their 'product' is better than everyone else's. Having said that, you mention that he does have some plus points, so it might be worth giving him a chance to prove that your first impressions were wrong. Otherwise, if your gut tells you that you wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with him because of his behaviour, I'd go with that. 3
JustJoe Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Ruby, it seems to me that I recall that you have a history of being impressed by, "hard-charging, executive", types. Correct me , if I'm wrong. . Didn't you refuse a relationship with a guy, a while back, that you found sexy , because he wasn't up to your standards?
JustJoe Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 BTW, IME, braggarts are usually compensating for something. 1
Pyro Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Could be a few reasons: Insecure Thinks that their personality would be too boring for you, which is also insecurity. Believes that BS about money being an automatic pass to get into your pants. In reality that is the only interesting thing about them. Regardless which it is I believe it to be a red flag. 2
manup Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 You fellow poor folk might just not understand working for hard for something and achieving it. He's achieved a level of success and he's proud of himself, you sound may more insecure than he does. 1
kaylan Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) For whatever reason, lately I seem to be meeting guys at one extreme of the spectrum or the other - lazy but sexy deadbeats, or hard-driving exec-level guys doing very well for themselves. Know why this happens? Because the sexy deadbeats dont have motivation to better themselves. They know they can get by just fine in life by being good looking. Think about it...we've seen the studies, we see how people behave. Good looking people get treated better in life...they get preferential treatment whether we all mean to do it or not. Plenty of hot girls are dead beats, and they have no shortage of stupid men willing to put up with their crap and waste time and money on them. Then you have the one sucker who marries and knocks up the dead beat girl only to be on the hook for alimony one day. It works both ways and its lame. On the other hand, average blokes and gals who cant get buy on just their looks will tend to work harder so they can have a good life. They arent waiting for handouts. This is just my generalization on averages...this isnt true for all people, but it does explain why some attractive folks are leading simply boring and loser-ish lives...and it also explains why average folks push harder to succeed in many facets of life. P.S. - Find someone who ticks all the right boxes OP. Dont go for the sexy broke guy, or the annoying, insecure, yet cute rich guy if he doesnt get your motor going. Find a dude that has everything you want. Smart, sexy, funny, and shows good long term mate potential. Someone youll click with emotionally, mentally, and physically. It can take time to find it, but you will in time. Good luck. Edited May 24, 2012 by kaylan 3
Andy_K Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Any time I hear that someone works in sales it sends a shiver down my spine. That would be enough of a red flag to me But I don't think there's anything wrong with the guy putting his income on a dating site - assuming he did it in the space where it asks for it and didn't write "I earn 150k" in his profile. So going out of his way to mention the merc is just a first offence and perhaps a sign to watch out for more clues. Not enough to consign him to the scrap heap on it's own IMO. 1
mixwell Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 As a guy (and I'm SERIOUSLY not hating) he sounds like a douche with no personality.. Trying to floss and act like he's something because he lacks personality.. He sounds like the type of cat that buys women drinks all night to try and score and then goes home solo while the next dude scoops up the chick at a club. What a joke, he reeks of insecurity and douche baggery 1
mixwell Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Good looking people get treated better in life...they get preferential treatment whether we all mean to do it or not. This must explain why I randomly get beaten with sticks when I walk down the street. No love for ugly folks hahahaha j/k
Heart Of A Lion Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) For whatever reason, lately I seem to be meeting guys at one extreme of the spectrum or the other - lazy but sexy deadbeats, or hard-driving exec-level guys doing very well for themselves. But something that keeps coming up with the guys with money is that they are often flashy about it, and I find this to be a turn-off. For example, I had a first phone call with a guy from online dating tonight. He says in his profile he's a "sales exec" making $100-150K. I have no idea why anybody would list their income on a dating profile. I mean, I guess because he thinks it's attractive. But I think that's too personal to disclose on a dating site. Then, while we're on the phone, he suggests we go ahead and get our Google stalking out in the open while we're talking, and tells me I can find lots of info on him if I just search on his phone number. So I do, and find his company web site, LinkedIn, and Facebook page. He invites me to look through his FB pictures, and while I'm browsing, is like, "Did you see the picture of my Mercedes?" Now, granted, it's a cool car - an old-school, classic Benz. But still. Why the need to flaunt it? Other than these kind of comments, he seems very cool. He's very intelligent, which is one of the main things that attracts me. He's cute, tall, and is interested in a lot of the same creative things that I am. We are also a perfect astro match. I can only suppose that he's insecure in some way, and feels he needs to reel the ladies in with his money. But I wish he would just shut up about it and let me get to know him for who he is. Is this as much of a red flag as it feels like to me? Let's not beat around the bush Ruby. A lot of women these days want men with money. The proof for this is in the word "loser". It is used so much by women when they talk about guys with regular jobs, with regular housing, with regular cars. Some time long ago I saw two women in a Swiss jewelry store, a very exclusive store. We're talking about €100K+ jewelry per item. The women were trying out some pieces and they were discussing how they were going to finance it. They looked very rich, but apparently they weren't able to afford the pieces. Neither did they have boyfriends. The plan I overheard them talking about was that they wanted to land a boyfriend that could get them the items. Another issue I ran into myself was a single successful woman that lived in an expensive neighborhood. I didn't care about that and would have been willing to hit on her, were it not that I knew she wanted to split her monthly bills fifty-fifty. Given the neighborhood she lived in, I already knew I couldn't afford it, so I assumed that would be a deal breaker for her and decided not to hit on her. That, is the reality a lot of men face these days. Personally, I'm sick of hearing women call men losers, when they have regular jobs, incomes, housing and cars. And that's coming from a guy with a job and two companies on two continents. I'm not rich, but I realize very well how hard and complex it is to make a lot of money. It often takes years of work, many hours, lots of thinking and planning, lots of sleepless nights. It takes a toll on men. Women know they can't always land rich guys, those men are a small percentage of the population, so they date regular guys to get a boyfriend anyway. I can't count the number of times I've heard women talk about many of their exes as losers, only to find out they're men with regular jobs, regular income, regular housing and regular cars. And to be honest Ruby, I've seen you make similar remarks here on LS. And now you post a thread like this? The hypocrisy is just dripping off of it. Edited May 24, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion
Crusoe Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Is this as much of a red flag as it feels like to me? Maybe, maybe not. I have a friend that earns well and owns a Ferrari Dino. Sure, you don't have to know him long to learn he is wealthy and the car is mentioned nearly every time he meets someone new, but he's a lovely fella with a real good heart. He married a few years ago, adopted his wife's two sons and is currently living happily ever after. (Despite agreeing to mother-in-law living with them). The car, to him, is a symbol of all his hard work to overcome certain obstacles in his life. It's also one of his passions in life. Whenever he yaps about it, it's more a case of an excitement that never faded than purposeful bragging and showing off. People do often get the wrong impression when they first meet him, though.
Heart Of A Lion Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) You saw he listed his income, then you thought it was a red flag. Yet you decided to be on the phone with him anyway. If it was that much of a red flag as you say you thought it was, then you wouldn't have even considered him. But I think the truth of the matter is that it's not a red flag to you at all. That being said Ruby, given the way I've seen you talk about some men, you better be in the top 1%. If not, then adjust your perspective to something less hypocritical. Edited May 24, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion 1
kaylan Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Let's not beat around the bush Ruby. A lot of women these days want men with money. The proof for this is in the word "loser". It is used so much by women when they talk about guys with regular jobs, with regular housing, with regular cars. Some time long ago I saw two women in a Swiss jewelry store, a very exclusive store. We're talking about €100K+ jewelry per item. The women were trying out some pieces and they were discussing how they were going to finance it. They looked very rich, but apparently they weren't able to afford the pieces. Neither did they have boyfriends. The plan I overheard them talking about was that they wanted to land a boyfriend that could get them the items. Another issue I ran into myself was a single successful woman that lived in an expensive neighborhood. I didn't care about that and would have been willing to hit on her, were it not that I knew she wanted to split her monthly bills fifty-fifty. Given the neighborhood she lived in, I already knew I couldn't afford it, so I assumed that would be a deal breaker for her and decided not to hit on her. That, is the reality a lot of men face these days. Personally, I'm sick of hearing women call men losers, when they have regular jobs, incomes, housing and cars. And that's coming from a guy with a job and two companies on two continents. I'm not rich, but I realize very well how hard and complex it is to make a lot of money. It often takes years of work, many hours, lots of thinking and planning, lots of sleepless nights. It takes a toll on men. Women know they can't always land rich guys, those men are a small percentage of the population, so they date regular guys to get a boyfriend anyway. I can't count the number of times I've heard women talk about many of their exes as losers, only to find out they're men with regular jobs, regular income, regular housing and regular cars. And to be honest Ruby, I've seen you make similar remarks here on LS. And now you post a thread like this? The hypocrisy is just dripping off of it. Plenty of women do date because they want a guy they are genuinely into. I know a couple of ladies who could definitely do better then the fellas they have...and they are actually of higher status than their partners, but the guys are swell fellas and the women like them for who they are. So it works for them. Sure some women are useless money grubbers, but Ive yet to meet many chicks like this. Ive only known a few personally in my lifetime. Most girls I know are fine with a regular guy they truly click with. Maybe I just draw level headed women into my life, because tbh, I wouldnt give snobby, using women the time of day. I think those girls can tell that and avoid me. 1
phineas Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Know why this happens? Because the sexy deadbeats dont have motivation to better themselves. They know they can get by just fine in life by being good looking. Think about it...we've seen the studies, we see how people behave. Good looking people get treated better in life...they get preferential treatment whether we all mean to do it or not. Plenty of hot girls are dead beats, and they have no shortage of stupid men willing to put up with their crap and waste time and money on them. Then you have the one sucker who marries and knocks up the dead beat girl only to be on the hook for alimony one day. It works both ways and its lame. On the other hand, average blokes and gals who cant get buy on just their looks will tend to work harder so they can have a good life. They arent waiting for handouts. This is just my generalization on averages...this isnt true for all people, but it does explain why some attractive folks are leading simply boring and loser-ish lives...and it also explains why average folks push harder to succeed in many facets of life. P.S. - Find someone who ticks all the right boxes OP. Dont go for the sexy broke guy, or the annoying, insecure, yet cute rich guy if he doesnt get your motor going. Find a dude that has everything you want. Smart, sexy, funny, and shows good long term mate potential. Someone youll click with emotionally, mentally, and physically. It can take time to find it, but you will in time. Good luck. I know a few of these people, The "hot". Both men & women & at around 40 they have nothing. Average job, living under someone else's roof, always looking for the next meal ticket. But, because they kept their appearance at their age when most people have completely let themselves go they don't have a problem finding someone. Though, their basically a live0in prostitute for that someone. Blows my mind. Makes me wonder what's going to happen when they hit mid 40's or early 50's.
phineas Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Plenty of women do date because they want a guy they are genuinely into. I know a couple of ladies who could definitely do better then the fellas they have...and they are actually of higher status than their partners, but the guys are swell fellas and the women like them for who they are. So it works for them. Sure some women are useless money grubbers, but Ive yet to meet many chicks like this. Ive only known a few personally in my lifetime. Most girls I know are fine with a regular guy they truly click with. Maybe I just draw level headed women into my life, because tbh, I wouldnt give snobby, using women the time of day. I think those girls can tell that and avoid me. I think it depends on your area really. My city, I don't meet many money grubbers & the woman at the corner store flirts with me when I walk down to grab a 6-pack in my grub clothes after doing landscape work on my home. Or the women at the Goodwill flirt with me when I come in to buy clothes. (found brand new pair of $50 jeans with tags still on. Score! ) But, drive over the border & you got many pro sports athletes living in developments & the further you go the richer the people are. 30mins. down the road is a certain bar. Hot women go there just looking for flings with rich guys. It's amazing. Also, i've noticed on OLD that women in certain towns always put a salary "preference" on their profile that is higher than theirs & those who don't live in those area's usually don't or basically put equal their salary or even slightly lower. That's match.com On POF they just state the man needs to have a car, a job, & not live with his parents. LOL! apparently this is something you get often on the free sites.
Northman Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I agree with kaylan here. Moreover, all CEOs and managers from Fortune500 companies I've met so far are together with decent women - none of them fell for a gold digger. The vast majority met their wives before they got into their position (ok, one of them divorced when he got a management position abroad and remarried the same wife when he returned and became CEO) - and I'm inclined to say that their wives in many cases even contributed a great deal to their success. The power and the impact on motivation of working relationships can't be overstated - as a leader, you are driven by the love for what you're doing and for the world and being in a happy marriage is a crucial contributor to this love. Support from one's background is tremendously important for every high achiever - be it in sport, in business, in science or even just for a good dad. And of course we are also responsible for our background and for what kind of people we let into our lives 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Yeah, this is a big douchebag flag for me...which is worse than a red flag in my book. Any guy who has to rely on his status, money, superficial qualities is just a one-dimensional person that understands nothing about women. The only thing he understands....like a lot of guys on here that are the stereotypical bull**** standards about what guys who are unsuccessful, claim all women are only after.. -looks -status -money Are the top 3, now of course these are highly desirable traits by women combined with the right guy...however this is not going to turn any guy into a ladies man alone or even help him land the kind of girl he is looking for. This guy instead of using his intellect, personality, charm and chemistry do the work he wants to throw a nice little bribe in there about what kind of car he drives, how popular he is, and how successful he is in life...which honestly 100-150k is good but blue collar guys can make that much...although it's not as sexy as a title like CEO. It's just lame any way you cut it though, and would be a huge turn-off to me because that person is trying to woo you by flashing the perks in front of you. Some women may like that and be excited, that's not my kind of woman I'm personally interested in however. And it's faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from jealousy, the way I look at it is this guy has no skills, completely compensating for his insecurity and what kind of girl is he trying to pull in? And what does it say about a guy who does this? a capable guy isn't going to try and flaunt his wealth, he's going to try and downplay it so that he doesn't end up with a gold digger and just some average woman looking for security so that she can fulfill her dream of babies and a nice house and you're just a puppet to that..so this to me comes off desperate. If I were him I'd try to keep all of my personal information discreet until the last possible moment, after all he doesn't even know you that well and only expose until I'd have to reveal it....I wouldn't want a woman being with me for the bull****, maybe If you were a Victoria Secret model and I had to show that I could at least hold a candle to your salary or you'd think I'm a broke @ss bum so I'd have to reveal that no, I can in fact support super model babies (with the help of your salary) and not bring your whole lifestyle down into the projects..but even then. Knowing men I have a huge chip on my shoulder with guys who have got to use lame tactics to wheel in the ladies and peak their interest as much as possible...I see it as pathetic and shallow. In fact I've even had some personal experience with guys like this, and It was ridiculous...they were "intelligent", successful, white collar guys but didn't know jack ***** about women...and I was bombarded with "So how do you do this or that with ladies...how do you peak their interest and talk to them?"...their way of romancing is all utilized with their money...buy them this or that, spent money on this or that, take them here or there...but there was no personality, no charisma, no charm, clueless guys. And most of these type of guys that I've seen that were highly educated were already married to some tiny asian girl or some girl that could oddly be their sister...it was weird! Anyway...bottom line is it reveals a high incompetency with women on his part to me, however maybe that's your bag, maybe you're looking for a guy who is just average but at least comes with a few nice perks...I mean at least you know you can settle down. I'm sure he'll be perfect for someone, I just wouldn't expect him to be very skilled in the relationship aspects...and you may find him to be a pretty big jerk once you get to know him since he might think he's the Caesar of his Empire If he's flashing this much already.
zengirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 For whatever reason, lately I seem to be meeting guys at one extreme of the spectrum or the other - lazy but sexy deadbeats, or hard-driving exec-level guys doing very well for themselves. First, let's clarify: Are the deadbeats actual deadbeats (knowing you I'd guess they are, as you don't seem that snobbish)? I mean, we're not talking like a guy who has a low-paid professional job -- we're talking people with no educations, careers, 401ks, life plans, who live month to month and struggle to pay their bills even in their 30s and also don't seem to even CARE about such responsibilities or be able to plan for the future at all, right? Not just down on their luck or not highly paid. But something that keeps coming up with the guys with money is that they are often flashy about it, and I find this to be a turn-off. HUGE turn-off. I never dated execs and such for the reasons you list in your OP, though the serious BF I lived with was an entrepreneur and is now a millionaire; I dumped him when he made all his money, started trying to control me, and became kind of an ******* (he's a nice guy today and we are friends -- it was a phase, but the break up was still for the best because we were never meant to get married -- he proposed). I also didn't date deadbeats (at least not after College BF). Since I started looking for my life partner, I mostly dated guys in tech --- not on purpose, I went on first dates with others, poor and rich alike, but engineers and programmers were the only ones who made it to any significant number of dates. I think that's because they have ambition, drive, careers AND they don't tend to be flashy or uber-materialistic (IME at least). But they aren't at that power player level you're attracted to --- it seems like you're attracted to that but have some dissonance over how people present it. Someone like my ex, who went through the phase and then became a regular person again, may be more your speed, but those guys are RARE. And very, very picky. And generally looking for women who are a bit easier to control, less power players themselves, etc, etc. That's even true in the case of my ex -- great guy, but he'd never go out with a woman who owned her own business. He wants a housewife or a nurse or a teacher or something --- someone like I was at the time who doesn't make a lot of money or care about it much. The thing about power player guys is they seem to come in 2 types: (1) They want someone to soften them, or (2) They're hardcore flashy, materialistic, out to make it as big as possible, etc. Anyway, yes, everything in the OP would be a red flag to me, but it seems like you really are attracted to status (even sexy deadbeats have a 'status' in their own way) and that may be why you don't meet regular Joes. Something to examine. I don't mean that in a bad way, as you seem like a really cool person, Ruby! I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting status --- many people do --- but few will be able to moderate it the way you wish they could. Women know they can't always land rich guys, those men are a small percentage of the population, so they date regular guys to get a boyfriend anyway. I can't count the number of times I've heard women talk about many of their exes as losers, only to find out they're men with regular jobs, regular income, regular housing and regular cars. Eh, sometimes, but not all women want rich guys. I turned down many a rich guy and power player -- though I do think Hubby is technically doing very well (but a lot of that came in a HUGE raise/promotion after we were already together*) but he drove a beater and lived in a smallish apartment when we met (we still live frugally, but his beater died, so he has a new car) and that was better IMO than someone who had flashy cars and owned a house and so forth. *Looking back on this, almost every guy I've dated after College BF got a huge promotion and/or made a TON of money (increase) WHILE we were together. Maybe I'm a lucky charm. Weird. However, yes, we do have to distinguish losers as people with no motivation, not just people with smaller bank accounts for sure.
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