Frootloop Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've been wondering these past few days, how do you know when a marriage is really dead for all intents and purposes? I would like to know what other posters think, and also if any posters know what experts have said on this subject...
SoMovinOn Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I think this is one of those situations where asking the question provides the answer. If you're asking if it's over, it is. People, in general, just have a hard time letting go.
Author Frootloop Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Yeah it's absolutely true that sometimes its hard to let go even when everything points to that two people are very incompatible. You just always wonder what if it can be saved.
SoMovinOn Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Yeah it's absolutely true that sometimes its hard to let go even when everything points to that two people are very incompatible. You just always wonder what if it can be saved. Most things we are taught growing up help to make it harder to let go. We are told that quitters are losers - so we hold on when we really need to quit. We are told that if we try hard enough, we can do anything - and that isn't true. No matter how hard you try, when there is another person involved, the best you can contribute is half the equation. We are taught to avoid failure at all costs, when in reality, successful people fail often, because they are willing to try in the first place. As a result, letting go is much more difficult than it should be.
fucpcg Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 When communication ends, and you've tried your hardest to keep it going. When you do everything you can to communicate, and your partner does communicate, but refuses to see things from both point of views, and/or refuses to accept any responsibility on how thing are going.
Krytie TV Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 In my situation, it was when the "switch" in my brain clicked. I had been frustrated for a while and wanted her to care as much as I did. One random night during one random argument, she made a snide remark and the switch just clicked. I suddenly had no love for the woman anymore and didn't care a bit what she thought about anything. I left soon after.
Got it Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 For me it was a long process to finally get to that point. It was a number of attempts to fix things with us that he didn't want to do, therapy, etc. And then there was the continuing separate lives, friends that had never met him because he didn't want to go out, different outlook on life, and then a few epiphany moments. One where I realized that I did want to have kids but not with him as the father, another where I realized that we were truly a square peg and round hole and neither one of us was wrong just wrong for each other. I one time walking the dogs, heading back to the house and suddenly realizing, I was done and I wanted to divorce. Just got done. I couldn't put anymore energy into us and I just couldn't make myself care any more to even try and keep fixing things. There was peace at that moment (as I had a lot of resentment up to that point). Also I started traveling for work and realizing I enjoyed being away far more than being home. I loved him, I cared about him and I worried about his emotional well being but I felt like I was drowning and he was the one pulling me under. I couldn't be his safety net any longer.
Daisy926 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Wow Got it, you sound like me and what I am going through now.... I am starting therapy at least for myself this week. I guess I just can't imagine it being over. I need to make sure I am doing the right thing as I go back and forth every minute. It is a horrible feeling
Author Frootloop Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Got It and Daisy, this is pretty much me too. I guess that's why I'm trying to sort some of it out in my head. I do feel like we are living completely separate lives. I also feel like he wants me to mother him to a certain extent (being his alarm clock, cleaning up his messes, etc). It's very frustrating. I don't want to throw in the towel until I really really know for sure though. This seems to be more a loss of respect than a loss of love, and I don't know if I can get that back or not.
Nicole R Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Relationships take work, and many people develop counterproductive brain patterns that create anger, regret and resentment cloud their thoughts and forget why they fell in love in the first place. Often times, people believe that by ending their current relationship and moving on, then those feelings of anger, regret and resentment will disappear, leaving room for a new, more successful relationship. Instead, those negative behavioural patterns are carried through to your next relationship, making it even more difficult for it to thrive. Indeed, after a first failed marriage, the divorce rates skyrocket even higher. It's possible to replace those counterproductive patterns with more productive ones through practice. It involves using your brains plasticity, or adaptability, to strengthen and form better neural connections that lead to more productive behaviour in your relationship. Even if you choose to divorce, developing those skills will help you create a healthy, separated relationship that will benefit you and your family. The NEXT Program uses methodology based in neuroscience, as well as a foundation in collaborative family law to guide you and your family to creating a happy, healthy future, whether you decide to rejuvenate your marriage, or separate it. If you should choose separation, the result will be an amicable one with minimal financial and emotional impact. To find out more, see: The NEXT Program - Beyond Marriage Counseling & Couples Therapy
giotto Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 To me, it was when I couldn't be bothered anymore. I had exhausted all the avenues and "giving up" was a relief. We are still together, but without the children we wouldn't. And after 26 years of marriage, I still don't know where exactly it went wrong. It was just one brick after the other, I suppose.
K_Kat Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I am in the same boat.... how do you know when its over??? one day it could be great and we have our nightly cuddles watching our fav tv programs then the next i realize we are completely different from each other.... I think, when we are younger we have needs an wants... you meet someone to fulfill these... as we become older these change and your partner should also change with you so your constantly evolving as a person and partnership... My needs and wants from when i was 23 are completely different 12 years later, they have changed and I dont think he will change to meet these... In that case, I am miserable because i am not happy therefore maybe its time to throw in the towel... We have a wonderful friendship, caring loving relation... but no sex... nothing in common, and basically i dont have my own life.... I am happy.. to an extent... but not happy enough.... but is my situation soo bad i have to leave now... not at all... but my departure involves moving back to my home country and starting up again!! Thats my thoughts!!! Would you agree?
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