Will I ever feel like my old happy self?

[nanbullen]

Lately, my life seems like every day I wake up and the whole day I am just waiting for the day to be over. I don’t look forward to anything, except going to sleep.

 

At first, a month ago, I thought I was obviously depressed, I was crying, anxious, hopeless, so sad ,couldn’t force myself to work out, a wreck, couldn’t make myself to do anything. So I went on antidepressants and now I know I’m not ‘depressed’ anymore. At least not in the way I was. I have reconnected with my old friends, made new friends, I have made plans to the point of I don’t have a free second on the weekends, I’m hitting the gym again, working on myself and my issues, I’m cleaning my house, and pampering myself with new clothes and tanning salon, etc….. But, I don’t really get any joy from any of it. There’s like an underlying sadness or melancholy or something. I don’t know what’s wrong. All the things that used to be fun, now just aren’t as much fun. It’s not that I’m never happy, or never laugh. It’s different. It’s like I said…I don’t look forward to anything, just going through the motions. I just try to stay busy so I don’t think about my ex as much. But I still think about him all the time.

 

The only thing I haven’t done is go running back to my ex-husband, which I planned on doing so I wouldn’t have to be alone. There’s just nothing there. I decided to try being alone for a change. For one thing, I realized a big part of wanting to be with somebody was the fact that my ex-boyfriend was/is seeing someone else. I couldn’t stand the idea that he was with someone and I was dumped and alone. But I can’t even think about dating. The idea of sex or any kind of physical contact is repulsive to me right now. I don’t want to be alone, at the same time I just don’t want anybody. I’m 37 and I am TIRED of trying to make relationships work.

 

I don’t feel as bad as I did. That’s for sure. But I’m scared this is my new reality. This is as good as it gets.

[lovesickmonkey]

I've been away from the forum forever, but I felt a resurgence of all the horrible feelings again, after thirteen months. Dreadful. I know what you mean by having all the fun and joy gone. We have to face that we derived a lot from the relationship we were in. I felt when she left that a lot that was me went with her. You're right to work on yourself and to "be alone" for awhile. Do you think that your feelings come and go in waves, as in, some days you feel over it and some as though he just left?

[kindest]

I know how you feel...

 

But I have hope. This is just a phase. Someday I will be my old self again. You will be, too.

[coltsfan1]

the short answer is yes, however the hard answer is how long will it take.

 

It took me 18 months after 4 years, I still think about her, and miss the old person I knew. However that part of my life is over. I don't wish my EX any ill will, but I do NOT wish to ever speak to her again.

[nanbullen]

I've been away from the forum forever, but I felt a resurgence of all the horrible feelings again, after thirteen months. Dreadful. I know what you mean by having all the fun and joy gone. We have to face that we derived a lot from the relationship we were in. I felt when she left that a lot that was me went with her. You're right to work on yourself and to "be alone" for awhile. Do you think that your feelings come and go in waves, as in, some days you feel over it and some as though he just left?

 

When I think I may feel this way in 13 months it makes me want to die.

 

It's like I have 2 layers of feelings. There's my day to day feelings and emotions and those come in waves, I can go days being ok and thinking of him but without all the anxiety, then I'll go thru periods where for hours or days where I have a really hard time and it's like he just left all over again.

 

But then there's this deeper layer....like my underlying mood. Even if i'm having a "good" day....it's just not as good as I know it used to be. Nothing means that much anymore, I don't care as much as i used to about anything. And yet, I don't feel depressed in the clinical sense. It's so hard to explain.

 

I feel so jaded. I know 37 is not ancient senior citizen territory....but I don't have that optimism where deep down I know there's someone out there who is my soul mate. You fall in love, everythings great, birds are singing, rainbows, u love the world.....then it all goes to sh**, and i'm left wondering who is this person? What's the point of it all?

 

OMG i am so sorry to be such a miserable sad sack.

[nanbullen]

I know how you feel...

 

But I have hope. This is just a phase. Someday I will be my old self again. You will be, too.

 

I wish I was as optimistic as you are. And I would be more optimistic if i was still in my 20's probably. But now i'm just blah

 

I'm glad you have hope though, you should!

[nanbullen]

the short answer is yes, however the hard answer is how long will it take.

 

It took me 18 months after 4 years, I still think about her, and miss the old person I knew. However that part of my life is over. I don't wish my EX any ill will, but I do NOT wish to ever speak to her again.

 

well we were together 4 years, broke up for 10, got back together for 6-7 mos and broke up. They say it takes 1/2 the length of a relationship to get over it. So I figure, hopefully, I got 2 months to go. I wish it was that simple and there was a day I could circle on the calendar when i will be over it, or a magic pill I could take that would erase him from my memory!

 

I don't feel like that part of my life is over. or i guess i do, but I don't like that it's over. I do wish karma would hurry up and hit him in the a**, but I also want him to come back to me sometimes. I don't know how I can love and hate him at the same time but I do. i want to get to the point of hating him then indifference but I feel like i will never get there.

[lovesickmonkey]

Yeah, that "love and hate at the same time" is so difficult to wrestle with. Some times I hate the fact that I was in love. Why would I love someone so deeply who ended up being so awful? And I hate that I was so happy, for two years. Happy all the time, no matter what? WHY did she make everything so wonderful? At this point, I think my pain is coming more from my own issues than from simply missing her. I wish I could be happy with someone who really loves me but I think I'm only happy with someone who is more indifferent to me. Nice, eh? I really want to be happy and confident all by myself. I hope it happens in this lifetime. I think you can only meet someone happy and confident if that's what you are. Do you think you NEEDED him for happiness?

[nanbullen]

Yeah, that "love and hate at the same time" is so difficult to wrestle with. Some times I hate the fact that I was in love. Why would I love someone so deeply who ended up being so awful? And I hate that I was so happy, for two years. Happy all the time, no matter what? WHY did she make everything so wonderful? At this point, I think my pain is coming more from my own issues than from simply missing her. I wish I could be happy with someone who really loves me but I think I'm only happy with someone who is more indifferent to me. Nice, eh? I really want to be happy and confident all by myself. I hope it happens in this lifetime. I think you can only meet someone happy and confident if that's what you are. Do you think you NEEDED him for happiness?

I see me in sooo much of what you say! one minute I hate myself for being so gullible to be taken in by his lies and manipulation, and the next minute i can't imagine being happy without him ever. And the funny thing is I WAS happy without him for 10 years. Sure i thought about him...but I wasn't thinking about him either of my 2 marriages. I think it's that i'm so much older now that i know what's out there,and I don't want any part of it.

 

And I've always been happier with somebody who is indifferent to me. if a guy is really nice and into me, i walk all over him. It's like i don't have respect for a guy unless he treats me like cr*p. That's co-dependency and low self esteem there. It is a fear of intimacy usually caused by some sort of fear of abandonment.

 

I don't think I needed him for happiness, but i forgot how I was ever happy before.

[kindest]

I wish I was as optimistic as you are. And I would be more optimistic if i was still in my 20's probably. But now i'm just blah

 

I'm glad you have hope though, you should!

 

I am turning 30 in about a month. I know I'm going to sound insensitive when I say this but at this age I feel like I'm in a turning point in my life. And the guy I thought had potential to be 'the one' didn't think I was the one for him (man, as I was typing that I felt a piercing pain right through the heart).

 

But I believe we can be happy no matter what age we are.

 

I have to be optimistic. Otherwise, what's the point in all this? Life goes on, and if we do not move with it, it will definitely leave us behind. I don't want to get left behind.

 

For now, I am in the recovery stage. I'm not happy. I'm lonely. But I have been here before and I know I have what it takes to make me feel loved again, I just know that I have to be fully healed first before I jump into another relationship. For now I will take care of my life.

 

The most important thing in your life is YOUR LIFE.

[nanbullen]

I am turning 30 in about a month. I know I'm going to sound insensitive when I say this but at this age I feel like I'm in a turning point in my life. And the guy I thought had potential to be 'the one' didn't think I was the one for him (man, as I was typing that I felt a piercing pain right through the heart).

 

But I believe we can be happy no matter what age we are.

 

I have to be optimistic. Otherwise, what's the point in all this? Life goes on, and if we do not move with it, it will definitely leave us behind. I don't want to get left behind.

 

For now, I am in the recovery stage. I'm not happy. I'm lonely. But I have been here before and I know I have what it takes to make me feel loved again, I just know that I have to be fully healed first before I jump into another relationship. For now I will take care of my life.

 

The most important thing in your life is YOUR LIFE.

 

I don’t know why you think you sound insensitive. I know 37 isn’t super old. But turning 30 was differenent for me, i didn't think that was old at all. But anyway, I think my problem is right before I got back together with my ex, I got divorced after almost 7 year marriage. So I spent my 30’s married. Well I like to torture myself, so a few days ago I went on match. com to just browse what was out there in my age range, which is b/w 37- 47 is what I put. I didn’t join, I was just curious. Well, let me tell you, when I saw the old men out there I wanted to stick my head in the oven lol. Oh I am ready to be flamed, I don’t mean ALL men that age range are old looking! And by no means do I think I am a beauty. I am my own worst critic with horrible self esteem. Believe that.

 

It’s like when I first discovered facebook and looked up my old high school classmates. When I saw my old boyfriends…these bloated red faced old men….i was just so shocked. I couldn’t believe these were the same boys I remember sneaking out of my house to make out with every chance I got lol! When I was in my 20’s I loved men, falling in love, their bodies, hair, sex, just being physically attracted to people who you find aesthetically pleasing is human nature. And now what? Some guy with hair growing out of his ears and a beer gut? I can’t imagine ever falling in love like that again.

 

Sorry, I’m rambling. I don't even know what my point is. I feel really bad because since I am a hopeless idiot, I messaged my ex last night. I swear I don’t know how to stop myself. It’s like something takes over me.

Ironically, I had just finished advising somebody on LS to NOT contact their ex!

 

My point is 30 is not old!

[coltsfan1]

I don't feel like that part of my life is over. or i guess i do, but I don't like that it's over. I do wish karma would hurry up and hit him in the a**, but I also want him to come back to me sometimes. I don't know how I can love and hate him at the same time but I do. i want to get to the point of hating him then indifference but I feel like i will never get there.

 

You will get there it just takes time, I spent months in what I look back on as a kind of limbo. I had real trouble coming to terms with what had happened. I also had trouble with the things I was going to have to do in order to move on. Like cut my EX and our mutual friends out my life, but once I started on that painful and long path things got better. I spent 6-8 months waiting for her to change her mind, which she didn't do. I then spent the next 6-8 months surgically cutting out all our mutual friends, some of them I miss but most were of low value anyways.

 

Then I began to build a new life for me, but I could only do that after I busted up the life we built together. You have went through a divorce in your life (if I have read your posts correctly) therefore you already know what has to be done. You may just not have worked things out yet to be at that point. Trust me you will wake up one day and decide " I am just tired of being tired." When that day comes you take your first step in truly moving on!

[kindest]

I guess the difference is I've never been married. I spent most of my 20s as a single girl, I dated around but for some reason most of my dating did not progress into anything serious. Maybe because I'm quite picky or it's just the guys I've been meeting aren't up to par. I guess this is why when I meet someone who "fits" I fall hard.

 

I know 30 is not old, but the constant badgering from other people with questions, "Why aren't you married?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "Do you want to have kids?" is totally sickening. I know I should just brush these off and I try to, but sometimes they just hit me you know?

 

I have an aunt who we never thought would get married. She's beautiful, smart, driven, a really good catch but all through her 20s and 30s she was single. She met a guy when she turned 39, then a year later they got married. She got married when she was 40. At that point it didn't matter that it took so long, the only thing that mattered was that she found him, the love of her life. They're very happy together. It's just one of the stories that inspire me whenever I feel disillusioned.

[heartless2012]

I`am in the same spot you are in, well besides having nothing to run back too. I have good and bad days, but there always a negtive feeling that surrounds me. I just want to say that you are not alone, and all we can do is keep pushing foward. The thing is that time is the only answer, I keep that in mind every day. Also don`t try to say your ok, if you are not, accept the fact that you will need time to be normal again. I know it suck, I can go from happiness to anger to sadness all in one day. I just take things one day at a time, some days are better then others. I hope you can be happy one day agian, but right now I hope you can find some peace

[xxSRMxx]

Youre not alone this is right, Often I ask myself when is this going to go? when am i going to feel better? I try to think about the woman I was before the split and i often wonder will I ever get there again...

 

Truth is, we will, eventually, but we cant put a time frame on how long thatll take. Everybody says ''time''.... To heal your heart it will take time...when people said that i always think...

 

F*CK TIME!!! I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW!! NOT OVER TIME! I WANNA BE BETTER NOW!!!

 

But it really is time.... try to concentrate on how far youve come since u first split, i dont know about you, but i couldnt leave my bedroom, eat or sleep. 7 weeks later im eating again, back at work, college...soon the happy feelings will come back.

 

You will be fine, and dont look on match.com...thats the worst thing u could ever do lol!

 

Big hugs and loves to u xxxxxx

[Tree_Salmon]

I`am in the same spot you are in, well besides having nothing to run back too. I have good and bad days, but there always a negtive feeling that surrounds me. I just want to say that you are not alone, and all we can do is keep pushing foward. The thing is that time is the only answer, I keep that in mind every day. Also don`t try to say your ok, if you are not, accept the fact that you will need time to be normal again. I know it suck, I can go from happiness to anger to sadness all in one day. I just take things one day at a time, some days are better then others. I hope you can be happy one day agian, but right now I hope you can find some peace

 

We're all feeling this same feeling I believe. This all sounds very familiar. I'm naturally a very happy person so its hard to feel this way but I'm moving really fast. Have to keep moving.

[nanbullen]

You will get there it just takes time, I spent months in what I look back on as a kind of limbo. I had real trouble coming to terms with what had happened. I also had trouble with the things I was going to have to do in order to move on. Like cut my EX and our mutual friends out my life, but once I started on that painful and long path things got better. I spent 6-8 months waiting for her to change her mind, which she didn't do. I then spent the next 6-8 months surgically cutting out all our mutual friends, some of them I miss but most were of low value anyways.

 

Then I began to build a new life for me, but I could only do that after I busted up the life we built together. You have went through a divorce in your life (if I have read your posts correctly) therefore you already know what has to be done. You may just not have worked things out yet to be at that point. Trust me you will wake up one day and decide " I am just tired of being tired." When that day comes you take your first step in truly moving on!

 

It sounds like you have a lot of self discipline, which is good. You realize that part of your life is over. You don't wish her any ill will. I'm not like that. I've been through 2 divorces, but my problem is i either have a new relationship lined up when an old one ends, or i jump into a new relationship as soon as possible, in order to not be alone. i know it's unhealthy. but it is what it is. This is the first time i'm facing being alone and i think the ONLY reason for it is i have a child. I just can not be alone. also, this is different, because even though we never married i always thought i loved him more than anybody else I've ever been with.

 

Waking up and saying i'm tired of being tired would be great! at this point i want to be able to wake up and not feel urge to call him.

[nanbullen]

I guess the difference is I've never been married. I spent most of my 20s as a single girl, I dated around but for some reason most of my dating did not progress into anything serious. Maybe because I'm quite picky or it's just the guys I've been meeting aren't up to par. I guess this is why when I meet someone who "fits" I fall hard.

 

I know 30 is not old, but the constant badgering from other people with questions, "Why aren't you married?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "Do you want to have kids?" is totally sickening. I know I should just brush these off and I try to, but sometimes they just hit me you know?

 

I have an aunt who we never thought would get married. She's beautiful, smart, driven, a really good catch but all through her 20s and 30s she was single. She met a guy when she turned 39, then a year later they got married. She got married when she was 40. At that point it didn't matter that it took so long, the only thing that mattered was that she found him, the love of her life. They're very happy together. It's just one of the stories that inspire me whenever I feel disillusioned.

 

I got that badgering in my 20's as soon as i finished college. Why don't I get married and have a baby? Then I had a baby. But I was pressured to get married. So I married a man who was not baby's father and we got divorced. Totally PRESSURED to marry baby's biological father. so i married him out of pressure, and i feel like i wasted the best years of my life with somebody i never loved.

 

Don't let anybody pressure you to make a commitment like marriage and children. Life goes by so fast, especially after you have children. Enjoy being single without any responsibilities as long as you can. If i had to do it over i would wait till 35y.o. or so to have a child.

 

 

Where did your aunt meet this guy?

Edited May 25, 2012 by nanbullen
spelling

[coltsfan1]

It sounds like you have a lot of self discipline, which is good. You realize that part of your life is over. You don't wish her any ill will. I'm not like that. I've been through 2 divorces, but my problem is i either have a new relationship lined up when an old one ends, or i jump into a new relationship as soon as possible, in order to not be alone. i know it's unhealthy. but it is what it is. This is the first time i'm facing being alone and i think the ONLY reason for it is i have a child. I just can not be alone. also, this is different, because even though we never married i always thought i loved him more than anybody else I've ever been with.

 

Waking up and saying i'm tired of being tired would be great! at this point i want to be able to wake up and not feel urge to call him.

 

Trust me I was a total and utter mess during the first year. I handled a lot of things wrong during the breakup, the only three things I am proud of is 1- I never break NC after the break up, 2- I never begged her after the break up, 3- she never saw me fall apart in person.

 

I was never able to wish her ill will since she is a mother as well, so if something bad happened to her it would have affected her child as well. You have to get mad first, then you will be sad, then you will come to terms with everything. I also hope you break the habit of relationship jumping, I would like to think that at our age we have learned from our mistakes as young people. If you DO NOT break this habit you will continue to wake up next to men a year or two down the line and realize you do not really love them. Then you will be right back to where you were in your second marriage. I also want to remind you that you are never alone, you have a child that loves you unconditionally, that if you raise correctly will bring you more joy than you can imagine.

 

Keep posting here, look for advice, type what you feel and if you need to speak to your EX http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex and continue to heal. We will be here to post and work through things with you since someone else was here to help us! (ie Graceful for me)

[kindest]

 

Where did your aunt meet this guy?

 

She dives and surfs, I think she met him on one of her diving trips. Proves that it pays to be active. lol

 

My ex is out to date again, and I can't help but feel crushed all over again. I know I'm not ready to date anyone seriously but why do I also have this feeling that maybe I should get out there? However, I can't help but feel like I'm traumatized about the whole thing not to mention everything that's happened to me in the past.

 

They say the problem with me is that I'm too nice, to a fault. They say men love b*tches, but being a b*tch is just not me. I don't think I can change who I am and I don't really want to if its only purpose is to keep a man.

[StellaA]

Will you feel like your old self again..............do you want to? As much as hurts (trust me, I know, Im still hurting) there were some good times and you have/will learn a lot about the experience. I know I will be a stronger person who will learn from her mistakes and perhaps not give a much to the relationship as I did, come the end I realised that I always made 'us' happy. I booked the holidays, I found our flat, suggested weekends away. I was with this guy for 6 years, he was my first love and best friend. I hate being apart from him and some days it hurts BUT I think I lost myself a lot. I have not found the true me yet as I am still coming to terms with the break up. I guess we have to hope this was not meant to be and it has put us in a good position to find someone else and be happy.

[nanbullen]

I`am in the same spot you are in, well besides having nothing to run back too. I have good and bad days, but there always a negtive feeling that surrounds me. I just want to say that you are not alone, and all we can do is keep pushing foward. The thing is that time is the only answer, I keep that in mind every day. Also don`t try to say your ok, if you are not, accept the fact that you will need time to be normal again. I know it suck, I can go from happiness to anger to sadness all in one day. I just take things one day at a time, some days are better then others. I hope you can be happy one day agian, but right now I hope you can find some peace

 

Don't know how old you are but it seems like it was so much easier to move on back in the days when people just had answering machines and pagers. Now it's like there's so many ways to keep track of somebody, I just can't get away. There's so many different ways to humiliate myself with texting, facebook, email, yahoo messenger, etc.

 

It takes time, I agree. But it also takes distance. You need to put that person behind you, and THEN you start to move on and forward. Now, every time I want to talk to him i have a million ways to contact him.....and that just puts me right back to square one as far as healing goes.

[nanbullen]

Youre not alone this is right, Often I ask myself when is this going to go? when am i going to feel better? I try to think about the woman I was before the split and i often wonder will I ever get there again...

 

Truth is, we will, eventually, but we cant put a time frame on how long thatll take. Everybody says ''time''.... To heal your heart it will take time...when people said that i always think...

 

F*CK TIME!!! I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW!! NOT OVER TIME! I WANNA BE BETTER NOW!!!

 

But it really is time.... try to concentrate on how far youve come since u first split, i dont know about you, but i couldnt leave my bedroom, eat or sleep. 7 weeks later im eating again, back at work, college...soon the happy feelings will come back.

 

You will be fine, and dont look on match.com...thats the worst thing u could ever do lol!

 

Big hugs and loves to u xxxxxx

 

LoL I will never look on match . com again! It's like a cruel joke for people going through a breakup!

 

I have come a long way after the split. i'm afraid that I've come as far as i am going to go. Like I said, I'm past the stage where i couldn't get out of bed or function, and just cried all the time. I'm doing all the things I was doing before, but I just don't enjoy it. Everything seems so pointless. Tonight i'm going to a concert, a band that I love, and we are going to be in the pit right in front. I should be super excited...but i don't really care. No matter what I do, I.can't.stop.thinking.about.him.

[heartless2012]

Don't know how old you are but it seems like it was so much easier to move on back in the days when people just had answering machines and pagers. Now it's like there's so many ways to keep track of somebody, I just can't get away. There's so many different ways to humiliate myself with texting, facebook, email, yahoo messenger, etc.

 

It takes time, I agree. But it also takes distance. You need to put that person behind you, and THEN you start to move on and forward. Now, every time I want to talk to him i have a million ways to contact him.....and that just puts me right back to square one as far as healing goes.

 

I have learned that you should never use texts or facebook to express your feelings to someone, if they are important, it should be done face to face. I go out of my way to keep my distance, I just fear the day I might see her again still I don't let that fear stop me from living

[ToyWithMe812]

Don't know how old you are but it seems like it was so much easier to move on back in the days when people just had answering machines and pagers. Now it's like there's so many ways to keep track of somebody, I just can't get away. There's so many different ways to humiliate myself with texting, facebook, email, yahoo messenger, etc.

 

It takes time, I agree. But it also takes distance. You need to put that person behind you, and THEN you start to move on and forward. Now, every time I want to talk to him i have a million ways to contact him.....and that just puts me right back to square one as far as healing goes.

 

Nan, have you thought about temporarily eliminating facebook, yahoo messenger from your life? That is, if you would like it to resemble something more antiquated. I still never acquired Facebook and do not see what I am missing. Maybe this could give you the small edge you need to cut some temptation.

 

Yes, the days of answering machines seem so personal and antiquated - how I miss them. Much rather prefer the cold, impersonal and fake methods of contact which abound today. You have a very important person in your life, yes? Is he really worth wasting any more of your energy on?

 

Believe me, I know what you mean, about how things you used to enjoy somehow lose their luster. That will fade. You will kick ass once again.