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Incredible attraction to married man, he feels the same...


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Posted

If it needs to be a secret - then it means something isn't right about it.

 

This should be what I repeat to myself.

  • Like 1
Posted

Is it just sexual thoughts you are having or do you care about him more than that? Sex is just sex in my opinion...you will be sexually attracted to many different people throughout your life, but you shouldn't act on it. A deeper connection is a lot harder to ignore, but if this is just sex, fantasize all you want ...thats harmless, but dont talk to him and realize biology is what is ay play here. You can overcome that...

Posted

You aren't fantasizing about HIM. You are fantasizing about your fantasy of what you think he is.

 

When you are imagining him kissing you, touching you, etc., it is NOT HIM. It's your own mind making up those images.

 

In reality, he's a guy who cheated on his wife, and likely will again. In reality, he has a wife who loves him, and beautiful children, and instead of feeling blessed, he is at a party talking about sex with you.

 

He's no prize.

 

And any feelings you are getting for him, even if they are just lustful feelings, are based on your fantasies and not reality.

 

I would try NOT to fantasize about him. Pick a movie star. Or just make up a perfect guy in your head. Give him a name. Give him a back story. Give him a career and a life. Imagine what he looks like and what he sounds like and what he smells like until he is REAL to you. And fantasize over HIM instead of this married guy.

 

You just have a lot of pent up emotion and lust and need someone to release it on. An imaginary person is much safer than this other guy.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
You aren't fantasizing about HIM. You are fantasizing about your fantasy of what you think he is.

 

When you are imagining him kissing you, touching you, etc., it is NOT HIM. It's your own mind making up those images.

 

In reality, he's a guy who cheated on his wife, and likely will again. In reality, he has a wife who loves him, and beautiful children, and instead of feeling blessed, he is at a party talking about sex with you.

 

He's no prize.

 

And any feelings you are getting for him, even if they are just lustful feelings, are based on your fantasies and not reality.

 

I would try NOT to fantasize about him. Pick a movie star. Or just make up a perfect guy in your head. Give him a name. Give him a back story. Give him a career and a life. Imagine what he looks like and what he sounds like and what he smells like until he is REAL to you. And fantasize over HIM instead of this married guy.

 

You just have a lot of pent up emotion and lust and need someone to release it on. An imaginary person is much safer than this other guy.

 

Yes exactly. That's exactly it. It's all in my head. I want an affair in my head and what it would be like as I imagine it.

 

It's pretty obvious but i'll admit I never thought about it this way. It's great to have people put you into perspective. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. This is the first time I am talking about it, so it's really nice to get the feedback.

  • Author
Posted
Is it just sexual thoughts you are having or do you care about him more than that? Sex is just sex in my opinion...you will be sexually attracted to many different people throughout your life, but you shouldn't act on it. A deeper connection is a lot harder to ignore, but if this is just sex, fantasize all you want ...thats harmless, but dont talk to him and realize biology is what is ay play here. You can overcome that...

 

Yes, it's purely sexual.

Posted

The fact that he's told you he feels this way is already the start of him betraying his wife.

 

Too bad she doesn't see what his lack of character looks like.

 

She deserves better - and so do you.

Posted

Pretty standard script:

  1. OW's attracted to the MM and flirts with him.
  2. MM gets the signals and convo gets sexual.
  3. OW tells herself she's not responsible since she wasn't the one who's breaking vows.
  4. OW and MM have an affair.
  5. D-day rolls around and MM throws OW under the bus.
  6. OW cries and looks for sympathy from everyone since it wasn't her fault.

You're now at step 3. Hopefully some ex-OWs will tell you how the rest plays out. Not a pretty sight or experience.

  • Like 3
Posted

frustrated...

 

you say that this is all about sex...

 

do you feel that a sexual encounter is worth all the fallout that could occur...for you, for his family, even for him?

Posted
You aren't fantasizing about HIM. You are fantasizing about your fantasy of what you think he is.

 

When you are imagining him kissing you, touching you, etc., it is NOT HIM. It's your own mind making up those images.

In reality, he's a guy who cheated on his wife, and likely will again. In reality, he has a wife who loves him, and beautiful children, and instead of feeling blessed, he is at a party talking about sex with you.

 

He's no prize.

 

And any feelings you are getting for him, even if they are just lustful feelings, are based on your fantasies and not reality.

 

I would try NOT to fantasize about him. Pick a movie star. Or just make up a perfect guy in your head. Give him a name. Give him a back story. Give him a career and a life. Imagine what he looks like and what he sounds like and what he smells like until he is REAL to you. And fantasize over HIM instead of this married guy.

You just have a lot of pent up emotion and lust and need someone to release it on. An imaginary person is much safer than this other guy.

 

These are good points! Yes, the fantasy of this person and the amazing sex and how hot it it will be is ALL made up, it may or may not be true when you give in. It's one thing when you finally have sex with some single guy you've been fantasizing about and it's not so great and you move on...but some married guy...it's not worth it at all. Even if the sex is incredible, that will probably make you want more and instead of it being a one time thing, now it's a full blown PA that may complicate your life. Sex isn't worth it period. Good or bad sex. There are PLENTY of people in the world you can have good or bad sex with, don't choose this guy or hype him up. I agree with making up some new guy to fantasize about and focus on things that make this guy seem less appealing.

Posted
Pretty standard script:

  1. OW's attracted to the MM and flirts with him.
  2. MM gets the signals and convo gets sexual.
  3. OW tells herself she's not responsible since she wasn't the one who's breaking vows.
  4. OW and MM have an affair.
  5. D-day rolls around and MM throws OW under the bus.
  6. OW cries and looks for sympathy from everyone since it wasn't her fault.

You're now at step 3. Hopefully some ex-OWs will tell you how the rest plays out. Not a pretty sight or experience.

 

Sadly many people have to learn on their own and MOST always say after the fact, I wish I hadn't opened that door..

 

Be the one who DOES NOT pursue this. SO what, big deal, you're attracted to him. Yeah you'd have some hot sex with him.. But it's selfish and on the expense of his wife and child - WHOM you've met and now know.

 

Consquences here are really high, so ask yourself if it's worth it.

  • Author
Posted
frustrated...

 

you say that this is all about sex...

 

do you feel that a sexual encounter is worth all the fallout that could occur...for you, for his family, even for him?

 

Definitely not worth it.

 

Sadly many people have to learn on their own and MOST always say after the fact, I wish I hadn't opened that door..

 

Be the one who DOES NOT pursue this. SO what, big deal, you're attracted to him. Yeah you'd have some hot sex with him.. But it's selfish and on the expense of his wife and child - WHOM you've met and now know.

 

Consquences here are really high, so ask yourself if it's worth it.

 

Yeah exactly. Big deal right? More fish in the sea. I think i'm just so hyped about it because i've never been attracted to anyone like this (or at least fantasized them up to such a point of attraction) and I've never had great sex, good at most, so that adds to this fantasy.

 

Another poster here said that i'm at step 3. The thing is, I never showed interest. I never started flirting with him. HE did that. Now that I think about it, it just shows how much more scum he is. My mistake was reciprocating, showing him i'm okay with it.

 

Not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. It's just sex. It's only a fantasy. Hopefully my day of orgasm will one day soon come (and not from a married man!)

Posted

So does this mean you're not going to lust after him anymore? Be pro active in making yourself STOP the fantasies?

 

Tell him this is just wrong and innocent people are going to be hurt and it's just not worth it.. NO more flirting and having sex talks with him. Tell him you made a mistake by opening that door and it's done. No more. Then distance yourself from him and channel that energy into yourself. Find hobbies. Detach completely, no more seeing him outside of work either.

 

Spend time with good friends and family. Join a dating site. Ask your friends to set you up, or just keep looking (even when out grocery shopping, you could just connect with someone..Hopefully without a ring on the finger!).

  • Author
Posted
So does this mean you're not going to lust after him anymore? Be pro active in making yourself STOP the fantasies?

 

Tell him this is just wrong and innocent people are going to be hurt and it's just not worth it.. NO more flirting and having sex talks with him. Tell him you made a mistake by opening that door and it's done. No more. Then distance yourself from him and channel that energy into yourself. Find hobbies. Detach completely, no more seeing him outside of work either.

 

Spend time with good friends and family. Join a dating site. Ask your friends to set you up, or just keep looking (even when out grocery shopping, you could just connect with someone..Hopefully without a ring on the finger!).

 

I don't know if I will, but that's definitely what i'm trying to do.

 

I can't full out tell him "this is wrong" because essentially nothing inappropriate has happened, it's just been playful. Besides, that would make things more awkward and "officially something bad happened between us". While nothing is said, we are better off. I'll avoid him and if I see him, i'll stop the playfulness. If he starts with it, i'll react coldly because it's inappropriate, and I won't reciprocate.

 

After all, that's why I posted about this :) To make sure it doesn't happen, to get a good kick in the right direction and to get sh*t from people who know better.

Posted

I don't think you have to necessarily tell him anything; as long as you conduct yourself differently, he will get the memo.

 

If at events you would flirt and chit chat, don't. You can still be polite and say a brief hello, then go off and talk and socialize with other people for the majority of the time. Don't spend time talking to him alone. Be cordial if you must see him, but make it clear by your actions that you will no longer be crossing the line with him. You don't need to give him the cold shoulder, as that may come off very awkward at social events, so you can be social, and interact with him in the polite, disinterested manner you would some guy you barely know...which he is.

  • Like 3
Posted
I don't know if I will, but that's definitely what i'm trying to do.

I can't full out tell him "this is wrong" because essentially nothing inappropriate has happened, it's just been playful. Besides, that would make things more awkward and "officially something bad happened between us". While nothing is said, we are better off. I'll avoid him and if I see him, i'll stop the playfulness. If he starts with it, i'll react coldly because it's inappropriate, and I won't reciprocate.

 

After all, that's why I posted about this :) To make sure it doesn't happen, to get a good kick in the right direction and to get sh*t from people who know better.

 

Bolded part. What do you mean "I don't know if I will"? You can't make yourself stop fantasizing and lusting after him? It's a habit, an ego feed that you've gotten used to and ALL habits can be broken. You just need to push yourself hard and have will power.

Posted
Definitely not worth it.

 

 

 

Yeah exactly. Big deal right? More fish in the sea. I think i'm just so hyped about it because i've never been attracted to anyone like this (or at least fantasized them up to such a point of attraction) and I've never had great sex, good at most, so that adds to this fantasy.

 

Another poster here said that i'm at step 3. The thing is, I never showed interest. I never started flirting with him. HE did that. Now that I think about it, it just shows how much more scum he is. My mistake was reciprocating, showing him i'm okay with it.

 

Not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. It's just sex. It's only a fantasy. Hopefully my day of orgasm will one day soon come (and not from a married man!)

 

Listen - YOU can give yourself an orgasm. You don't NEED a man for that. :laugh:

 

But seriously - someone who is forbidden is more exciting... But the fallout is SO not worth it to flex that muscle. You would more likely be disappointed - as fantasy is usually more elicit than real life - especially if it hurts someone in order to do so.

 

When the right man comes along - he will give you an orgasm - and if he doesn't - you can show him how you do it to get there.

 

Men aren't mind readers. Every woman's body works differently - they need us to show them what feels good and what doesn't - from us! From the one he's with!

 

When a man knows what you do or don't like - he will learn how to please you - but it's not fair to think he should just know.

 

In that same vain - many men like their @ick sucked in different ways - different rhythms - different pressure and all sorts of methods.

 

It's always best to ask how someone wants to be pleasures. Assume nothing. Be willing to tell what works for you. The best way for you to know - is to practice on yourself.

Posted (edited)
I can't full out tell him "this is wrong" because essentially nothinginappropriate has happened, it's just been playful.

 

what do you mean "nothing inappropriate?" you discussed sexual themes with a married man-- DUH!!!

 

ask his wife is she feels it "appropriate" for him to be discussing such things. or if she finds it "just playful" for him to act a fool like that, without her being present.

 

are you for real? you say your 28, but act more like 17.

Edited by Artie Lang
  • Author
Posted
Bolded part. What do you mean "I don't know if I will"? You can't make yourself stop fantasizing and lusting after him? It's a habit, an ego feed that you've gotten used to and ALL habits can be broken. You just need to push yourself hard and have will power.

 

I mean I can't stop it right away, it will take time, but that's what i'm working on.

 

The fact that it's an ego feed is why I can't stop right away. Anyone who says they can stop feeding their ego right away is lying. And yes, it's a habit that can be broken. But breaking habits take time too.

Posted

FrustratedStandards,

 

Here's what I can share with you for whatever it's worth.

 

A MM (in this case) that has A's, will test the waters, by this I mean, he is seeing where the boundaries may be.

 

He will start by flirting, then he'll introduce you to what might appear to be innocent touches. He will gradually take that touch and flirtation farther, into sexually charged conversations.

 

He's grooming you for where he intends on going with you. He is suttle and well practiced in his game.

 

The really sad part of all this, is often the W is conditioned to his flirtation, however she trust him. She may turn a blind eye, never believing that it is anymore than flirting.

 

You, on the other hand, know how far he is capable of taking it, if he's offering himself up to you.

 

Essentially, I am telling you, this is not his first and only, nor his last.

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