Incredible attraction to married man, he feels the same...

[FrustratedStandards]

I'm 28 years old, and this man is 36. He is married to a wonderful wife (that I have met) and has two beautiful children.

 

He is my friend's coworker, and that is how I met him. My friend and this guy are pretty close, so he often brings me along to his house parties and other such gatherings.

 

I have an incredible attraction to his coworker. At first I completely ignored it, even though I would dream of him at night and all the naughty things I want him to do to me. At the events and gatherings, I befriended his wife and kids so that I would be less likely to make a move.

 

Lately however, this guy has been flirting with me and showing equal interest. One time we were left alone at a table when the rest of the company hadn't yet arrived, and the other 2 people went to the washroom, and we started talking about sex and our previous relationships.

 

I don't want to make a move. I know it's a horrible thing to do, and I imagine my parents and how if a woman slept with my father how it would ruin the family.

 

For this entire year I have been refraining from doing anything at all, but lately I can't sleep. He is all I think about, and I touch myself to the thought of him. I am afraid that something might happen between us, because I know he is the type who would do it, but at the same time this fear only adds to the strong feeling of attraction that I have towards him.

 

I can't avoid him entirely because now he is part of this social circle, so I need advice on how to forget him, or how to refrain from flirting with him. It's just that the moment I get a whiff of his scent, I feel drunk with him and I can't help myself.

Edited May 24, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[Woggle]

Just read all the stories of what happens when women get involved with married men. How often does it have a happy ending? You will most likely open up a whole can of drama you can't close.

[FrustratedStandards]

When those thoughts of him float in your head and you are touching yourself, imagine his wife in tears, vomiting and the children trying to figure out how they can make mommy feel better. Think of the pain and fear on her/their face. How does that image make you feel? If you don't jump his bones in front of others who would say something to his wife...you can control and help yourself.

 

Oh wow. That's a very strong image.

 

Yes, that makes me feel awful, but at the same time I always assume that they would never figure out.

 

Wow. Thank you for that. That does help a lot. I don't want to be responsible for a divorce no way....but....if HE initiates...is it really my fault?

 

I mean, yes it is because I am allowing it. But then I am not entirely responsible for the demise of his relationship because he was the one that broke his vows, and if he did that then clearly there was already something missing in the relationship?

 

I would only be a by-product of a lacking relationship? For the record, I know he has cheated on his wife at least once. It was only kissing and "the woman came onto me", but I still blame him if he allowed it.

Edited May 24, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[FrustratedStandards]

Assume...yup. A lot of people assume that won't happen. I did in my family and countless others like Woggle said. Do some reading. If you need a more powerful image, go talk to his wife about your attraction. The look on her face should be burned in your memory permanently after that.

 

I have thought about this actually. Confessing to her that I have a crush on him, so she can keep an eye out and also help prevent anything from happening. At the same time i'm afraid that this might cause problem in their relationship in case she notices his attraction for me.

 

And I think his wife would be flattered. "That's so cute".

[FrustratedStandards]

She can't keep a grown man from doing anything. I thought your opening post stated you wanted a way to control yourself. So what you are saying is that neither of you are mature enough to act responsibly. My mistake and no woman would be flattered by the stuff you are saying...it is pretty middle school after all.

 

You're right. If things get worse, i'll confess it to his wife. I won't lie though, I will be a little bit embarrassed doing so. But that's better than starting an affair.

[MissBee]

It's most likely not worth it....that's the reality.

 

Imagine if you went through with it and he wasn't even good in bed? Seriously, you'd have potentially made yourself a social leper and feel even worse for a night of mediocre sex.

 

I think because he is forbidden fruit you've built him up in your mind to be this thing you absolutely want. Think of him as a sleaze who is probably not even that great in bed and leave it alone. Touch yourself to something/someone else.

 

You can avoid him. As long as he is not your boss and doesn't work for you or live at your house, you can. Hang out with your friends less or opt to absolutely not go to his house anymore and only go to social events that he won't be at. The more you separate yourself, the less you'll be consumed by wanting him and the strong feelings will most likely subside and you'll not see him as such an irresistible guy anymore.

[FrustratedStandards]

It's most likely not worth it....that's the reality.

 

Imagine if you went through with it and he wasn't even good in bed? Seriously, you'd have potentially made yourself a social leper and feel even worse for a night of mediocre sex.

 

I think because he is forbidden fruit you've built him up in your mind to be this thing you absolutely want. Think of him as a sleaze who is probably not even that great in bed and leave it alone. Touch yourself to something/someone else.

You can avoid him. As long as he is not your boss and doesn't work for you or live at your house, you can. Hang out with your friends less or opt to absolutely not go to his house anymore and only go to social events that he won't be at. The more you separate yourself, the less you'll be consumed by wanting him and the strong feelings will most likely subside and you'll not see him as such an irresistible guy anymore.

 

You're right. He has grown as unreachable and that's probably why the flirting and having to restrain yourself makes it that much hotter. You continue to think about "what if what if" and you fantasize and it probably won't be like that at all anyway.

 

I actually think that touching myself to him will help me get that sexually release "from him" without actually initiating. Is fantasizing about him really going to backfire?

[CarrieT]

FS, you have been around this site long enough to read all the Betrayed Spouse stories and Other Woman stories.

 

I know you don't want to end up like that and that you know in your heart-of-hearts how to quell those urges.

 

Post here often when you are tempted by him. We will help you refrain. And telling the wife is a good idea; I'd recommend that soon - maybe even in front of the husband so you can all make a big joke about it!

[FrustratedStandards]

Thank you CarrieT I really appreciate the support.

[wheream_i]

At first I completely ignored it, even though I would dream of him at night and all the naughty things I want him to do to me.

 

Describe.

 

Kidding.

 

You already know what you want to happen. You just want someone here to be your voice of reason or to be your self-control since you don't have any of your own. You're struggling but it sounds like your losing. Bent has some very sound advice and it sounds like she's been there before. That "fire" you feel will disappear the moment he's pulling out and kicking you to the curb because "he's married and can't do this to his wife and kids". Once he says that to you, you will feel burnt, you'll go tell his wife, ruin her future, ruin her kids, blah, blah, blah. Same old story.

[MissBee]

You're right. He has grown as unreachable and that's probably why the flirting and having to restrain yourself makes it that much hotter. You continue to think about "what if what if" and you fantasize and it probably won't be like that at all anyway.

 

I actually think that touching myself to him will help me get that sexually release "from him" without actually initiating. Is fantasizing about him really going to backfire?

 

I think you should avoid fantasizing about him, because unlike other forbidden fantasies, you can potentially fulfill it, which most likely won't turn out well. So in this case, it is best that you put your focus on something/someone else for your fantasies. It's not something you can just turn off obviously, but I think thinking more about reality, his sleaze potential etc and consciously focusing elsewhere will help you to detach from wanting him so much.

[MissBee]

Describe.

 

Kidding.

 

You already know what you want to happen. You just want someone here to be your voice of reason or to be your self-control since you don't have any of your own. You're struggling but it sounds like your losing. Bent has some very sound advice and it sounds like she's been there before. That "fire" you feel will disappear the moment he's pulling out and kicking you to the curb because "he's married and can't do this to his wife and kids". Once he says that to you, you will feel burnt, you'll go tell his wife, ruin her future, ruin her kids, blah, blah, blah. Same old story.

 

Yepp....

 

I can see it just being one big anti-climax and the immediate regret rushing in right after that is over. This especially doesn't even seem like one of those situations built on friendship or other feelings, but pure sex, and it really really really isn't worth it.

[KathyM]

What Bent said was good advice. When mental images of being together with him come into your head, switch those mental images to the wife's pain and sadness, the children's hurt and loss of respect for their dad, and the man's shame and disappointment that he let them all down. In fact, do a preemptive visualization before the thoughts of doing something with him come into your mind. Make an effort every day to visualize the wife's painful, broken spirit, and the children's fear and worry about what will become of their family. If you make an effort to visualize the negative images on a daily basis, the images of him that are more appealing to you will be eventually extinguished until you no longer have that crush on him, which is as it should be. Hold yourself to a higher standard, and don't allow yourself to entertain thoughts of such destructive behavior. Don't idealize such thoughts. Replace those thoughts with the negative images, and turn your sexual thoughts to a single man who you might be interested in instead. There are plenty of single men out there who are worth fantasizing about. No reason to waste your feelings and attention on a married one.

[FrustratedStandards]

Describe.

 

Kidding.

 

You already know what you want to happen. You just want someone here to be your voice of reason or to be your self-control since you don't have any of your own. You're struggling but it sounds like your losing. Bent has some very sound advice and it sounds like she's been there before. That "fire" you feel will disappear the moment he's pulling out and kicking you to the curb because "he's married and can't do this to his wife and kids". Once he says that to you, you will feel burnt, you'll go tell his wife, ruin her future, ruin her kids, blah, blah, blah. Same old story.

 

That's the thing, I don't want a relationship. I don't see myself with him, I just see myself under him lol

 

But MissBee called me on it.

 

Yepp....

 

I can see it just being one big anti-climax and the immediate regret rushing in right after that is over. This especially doesn't even seem like one of those situations built on friendship or other feelings, but pure sex, and it really really really isn't worth it.

 

That's exactly it, yes. Only sex. And i'm going to take your word for it, it's not worth it.

 

What Bent said was good advice. When mental images of being together with him come into your head, switch those mental images to the wife's pain and sadness, the children's hurt and loss of respect for their dad, and the man's shame and disappointment that he let them all down. In fact, do a preemptive visualization before the thoughts of doing something with him come into your mind. Make an effort every day to visualize the wife's painful, broken spirit, and the children's fear and worry about what will become of their family. If you make an effort to visualize the negative images on a daily basis, the images of him that are more appealing to you will be eventually extinguished until you no longer have that crush on him, which is as it should be. Hold yourself to a higher standard, and don't allow yourself to entertain thoughts of such destructive behavior. Don't idealize such thoughts. Replace those thoughts with the negative images, and turn your sexual thoughts to a single man who you might be interested in instead. There are plenty of single men out there who are worth fantasizing about. No reason to waste your feelings and attention on a married one.

 

The bolded especially resonated with me. You are right. I shouldn't degrade myself like this, and not only should I not initiate for all the right reasons, but moreover I shouldn't initiate for myself.

 

Thank you for this.

[Artie Lang]

i may be wrong, but it sounds like you're only paying lip service(no pun).

 

call me a doubting thomas, sorry.

[2sunny]

You can flex that muscle all by yourself... And it doesn't cause harm to others.

 

If you let him near you - you potentially ruin many lives.

 

Stop seeing him. Change "social circles"! Cut off all contact!

 

You are playing with fire.

 

Nothing good will come from this if you see him again.

 

You deserve better.

 

A few months ago you didn't even want to settle for "less than" from any single men - why would you want to short change yourself by even considering getting involved with a MM? Even that you two have spoken about this is completely inappropriate.

 

Never should you be involved in conversations regarding sex with any man that's married. He's a complete player.

[twinsmom]

At one time, I was incredibly attracted to a man. It was a mixture of emotional and physical. I acted upon it, and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. i have read on here many women who say, "Oh, I would never regret what we shared", or "I would do it again". Not me. I am SO regretful that I ever started an affair with a married man. It produced nothing but heartache for everyone involved..Just please bear that in mind going forward..

[Happyface]

Eventually you could catch feelings for him.

 

If you want just sex and not a relationship , surely there are less complicated ways of finding it?

 

HF

[skywriter]

Frustrated,

 

Consider yourself worthy of being more than just some conquest to this MM. Once he has his forbidden encounter with you, once, twice or however many times. You will believe that you are worthy of more, more time, not being just a hidden encounter whenever you all are able to squeeze it in.

 

You'll wonder, why he didn't show up, or call, am I being ignored. Things that you want to share with him you won't be able to, he'll have important events that you won't participate in, holidays, birthday, deaths in the family. I could go on and on.

 

You don't consider these things until you are in the midst of it and even reading it you can't imagine how it will cut deep inside of you. There will be days it hurts to get up out of bed, because it takes a toll on you emotionally and physically.

 

I haven't even touched on the fact that you know he's done this before. So this is an indicator of how he can and will compartmentilize his emotions. He is capable of using you and your body, and sending you on your way, throwing you under the bus if necessay.

 

He will rationalize that you let him. Then there is the risk of an std. You have no idea, where he's been or who's he's been with. If he will do it with you.....fill in the blanks.

 

This will change your life and cause you so much grief. Not to mention, the guilt you will carry for interferring in his marriage and family life.

Edited May 24, 2012 by skywriter

[Angelina527]

Oh wow. That's a very strong image.

 

Yes, that makes me feel awful, but at the same time I always assume that they would never figure out.

 

Affairs are almost always found out

 

Wow. Thank you for that. That does help a lot. I don't want to be responsible for a divorce no way....but....if HE initiates...is it really my fault?

 

Yes. You would be partially responsible.

 

I mean, yes it is because I am allowing it. But then I am not entirely responsible for the demise of his relationship because he was the one that broke his vows, and if he did that then clearly there was already something missing in the relationship?

 

Not true....there doesn't necessarily have to be something wrong with the relationship for someone to be a selfish cheat, and it's not your place to make that decision. Again, if he breaks his vows then that's on him...if you knowingly hurt another human being, then that's on you.

 

I would only be a by-product of a lacking relationship? For the record, I know he has cheated on his wife at least once. It was only kissing and "the woman came onto me", but I still blame him if he allowed it.

 

Don't do it. Please. You'll regret it, especially after the pain you'll be inflicting on an innocent woman. Please replay Bent's image in your head over and over, but also add some sound to that. Imagine that same woman crumpled on the floor barely able to breathe and letting out a keening wail. Imagine that inhuman sound coming from this woman because her pain is so deep and primal. Imagine that pain doubled because you are also betraying her as a friend. Not cool.

[skywriter]

Angelina527,Don't do it. Please. You'll regret it, especially after the pain you'll be inflicting on an innocent woman. Please replay Bent's image in your head over and over, but also add some sound to that. Imagine that same woman crumpled on the floor barely able to breathe and letting out a keening wail. Imagine that inhuman sound coming from this woman because her pain is so deep and primal. Imagine that pain doubled because you are also betraying her as a friend. Not cool.

 

 

This is so true, Angelina, we tell each other that we aren't cheating because we aren't the ones married. We are enabling someone else to cheat by agreeing to become involved. We say these things to ourselves to alleviate the guilt that we feel by being a participant.

 

We may not be the one cheating on this person, but if you have sat across the table from this person or spent anytime with this person then you have to feel some sense of guilt.

 

That guilt will fester up into resentment towards that man. Not only that, but imagine the ego trip he must be on enjoying two women, together, knowing they both desire his attention.

 

Then add, the level of deciet he is going to, to pick someone that knows him and his wife. What a coward he is being.

 

Just think about yourself being the next woman in pain& humiliation, for allowing yourself, to be just another of his others.

Edited May 24, 2012 by skywriter
It's an indicator of what he thinks of women and how he can play them to his advantage.

[whichwayisup]

Oh wow. That's a very strong image.

 

Yes, that makes me feel awful, but at the same time I always assume that they would never figure out.

 

Wow. Thank you for that. That does help a lot. I don't want to be responsible for a divorce no way....but....if HE initiates...is it really my fault?

 

I mean, yes it is because I am allowing it. But then I am not entirely responsible for the demise of his relationship because he was the one that broke his vows, and if he did that then clearly there was already something missing in the relationship?

 

I would only be a by-product of a lacking relationship? For the record, I know he has cheated on his wife at least once. It was only kissing and "the woman came onto me", but I still blame him if he allowed it.

 

If he intiates something..You can say NO! Nothing has happened .. Yet.

 

You know he's married. You've befriended his wife and child. Double betrayal is MUCH worse.. His wife will feel you set her up by meeting her and becoming friends. Getting to know THEIR child.

 

Don't think so much about him and his responsibility to his wife.. Fact is, you KNOW he is married. You work with this guy. You've met his wife and child. YOUR reputation is at risk too, so worry about yourself rather than him and the state of his marriage.

 

He is a broken man.

 

Say no. And please, stop feeding your attraction to him by fantasizing. You're making it worse by lusting after a man who isn't yours. You can be pro active in stopping this - Stop thinking and letting your mind wander.

[whichwayisup]

That's the thing, I don't want a relationship. I don't see myself with him, I just see myself under him lol

 

So when people at work find out, will be you laughing?

When his wife looks you in the eye after catching you two, will you laugh and find it funny that you wanted her husband for fun and just sex?

 

This isn't a joke. You're messing in HER life. And her child's life too. Even more so since you know them both!!

 

Please stop and think and sorry to be blunt but stop being so selfish. Find a single guy to have casual and fun sex with, not a MM.

[FrustratedStandards]

Thank you for the responses. I didn't realize that it was such a big deal up until these posts.

 

It's true, I think that i'm not doing anything wrong because I am not cheating, I'm single, and only going after what my body tells me (and that's natural) but I will remind myself that he is married, that I am worth much more and that if I do it, I will feel incredible guilt for hurting so many people.

[2sunny]

Thank you for the responses. I didn't realize that it was such a big deal up until these posts.

 

It's true, I think that i'm not doing anything wrong because I am not cheating, I'm single, and only going after what my body tells me (and that's natural) but I will remind myself that he is married, that I am worth much more and that if I do it, I will feel incredible guilt for hurting so many people.

 

It IS a big deal IF you allow him to act inappropriately or say anything to you that his WIFE wouldn't appreciate if she was sitting and listening to - or watching what you two are doing.

 

If it needs to be a secret - then it means something isn't right about it.

 

If he acts inappropriately send him a clear signal that it is - by stating that you won't participate with HIM on that level anymore!

 

This is YOU setting a firm and clear boundary. He may not realize it the first time - but if you stand firm on sending him the appropriate message - he will understand YOU aren't going THERE with HIM!