Author TimidHubby Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 Update: Had a couple talks with her. Told her that I want to start telling her when I am angry or upset with her. I realized I always try to hide it if I'm upset which isn't healthy. I let her know that over the last 5 years, the one thing that has caused the most unhappiness for me is the [politely] voice-raising. On a previous day, I said, while we were getting ready to sleep, "I love you honey, and I try to show it every day." She said something to the effect of that I'm a good husband, and, more quietly, she's a bad wife. In yesterday's talk, she said that she's been telling me for years that I need to set boundaries and such, which I agreed with. The funny thing is, I think she can sympathize with me because how she is with me, her other relationships (like at work, or with her family) are with her. She complains that she only thinks of others, and that she really needs to look out for herself more and stand up for herself, and that she's always getting stepped on cause she just gives and gives and tries to make things better for others. The "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you thing" doesn't work, she says. Every one of these complaints that she has in her other relationships, I have about her. She did have one moment of openness yesterday, admitting that because of her past she puts up walls, and has to be in control in her personal relationship. she doesn't want to give anyone (including me) 'power' over her (in other words, she's probably afraid to do pure unselfish things for me to show love, and thinks that if she lets herself accept doing things for me because she loves me, that she's giving me power over her that I might abuse, like "You'd do this if you really loved me". Of course, I never have, and I do so much for her, giving her all the 'power'. I said that at some point soon, if she's interested in hearing what I think would make me feel happy with our marriage, what would make me feel loved, I will tell her a number of things she could do. She seemed 'fearful' or 'apprehensive' that such things might include or even predominantly be sexual. I honest said yes, some of them would likely be, but not most. In that future conversation, when sexual selfishness comes up, I expect to have to dig into why, despite loving me, she is so against showing me in a way that I really want. I will need to explain the truly deep and intense psychological meaning such an unselfish action would have on my happiness and satisfaction with our marriage. Perhaps she will admit to previous issues of sexual subserviancy to boyfriends being at heart, and maybe this will put therapy back on the table. Or maybe she will continue with excuses like "I can't do that sort of thing if I'm "not in the mood"". In all: progress....it feels like.
The Blue Knight Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I'm not even sure why I'm posting this late in the game, but having just read your thread I guess my gut feeling is this . . . you can't expect a pregnant woman to be sexually interested much of the time. I always based our sex life on how my wife was feeling when she was carrying a baby. She had more than enough to deal with and I wasn't going to toss more on her plate. As far as the oral sex part of the deal. You had a problem LONG before the pregnancy my friend and unfortunately, you're now dealing with it and you're going to continue to be dealing with it. Some women have an aversion to oral sex or they just plain can do without it. Others are nuts about it and will jump at the chance every time they can. You married the former and it's unlikely that she's going to acquire a "taste" for it anytime soon. A bit of sex therapy might be needed for you guys to turn the corner. Some open conversation would be part of that therapy of course at which point you can lay your concerns on the line and not have to worry that she's going to start yelling at you because the sex therapist is sitting right there. I also read your wife as extremely immature based on your bagel scenario. You violated my NUMBER 1 piece of advice when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. You opted for high maintenance rather than low maintenance. Not a good choice. Sex is about giving your partner what pleases them so long as the giver is comfortable with the act. Oral sex is not exactly a taboo in this day and age as it was 50 years ago. I'm open to whatever pleases my wife and my top priority is pleasing her with whatever method she needs at that moment. Not everyone looks at it that way unfortunately. I wish you well. You'll need it if you can count on one hand the number of times you've gotten the "extras" over the past five years.
g450 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You said: "She complains that she only thinks of others, and that she really needs to look out for herself more and stand up for herself, and that she's always getting stepped on cause she just gives and gives and tries to make things better for others." This is textbook walk away wife talk as many of them think like this before they go. So trust me on this. If you want to keep her then take heed of what she just said. And as other have also pointed out, you need to decide if not getting what you want from her is a deal breaker for you. Either way, if you dont make a decision she may make it for you.
Radu Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 In all: progress....it feels like. You think that was progress, do you ? Rationalization (making excuses) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia If you care about your kid, accept what g450 and TBK [he speaks from experience on the maintenance thing ... look up his threads], and start standing up for yourself legaly. And to anyone reading this, i'm disgusted that she works in daycare.
Author TimidHubby Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 You said: "She complains that she only thinks of others, and that she really needs to look out for herself more and stand up for herself, and that she's always getting stepped on cause she just gives and gives and tries to make things better for others." This is textbook walk away wife talk as many of them think like this before they go. So trust me on this. If you want to keep her then take heed of what she just said. And as other have also pointed out, you need to decide if not getting what you want from her is a deal breaker for you. Either way, if you dont make a decision she may make it for you. I'm not sure you read any of the previous posts, nevermind the post you are referring to. That section about her complaints were about her relationships outside of home...mainly with the people she works with. The whole point was, OUTSIDE of our marriage, she tends to feel with others the way I feel when having to deal with her....ie she is what she hates about others when at home.
g450 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I'm not sure you read any of the previous posts, nevermind the post you are referring to. That section about her complaints were about her relationships outside of home...mainly with the people she works with. The whole point was, OUTSIDE of our marriage, she tends to feel with others the way I feel when having to deal with her....ie she is what she hates about others when at home. I understand that, but that part of your post was a red flag for me that brought an entire different dynamic to your situation. I am seeing two issues here, not just yours. I see your issue and can relate but from what you posted about your wife I see a whole different issue with her. I think she is trying to tell you something and you need to listen. I think there is more going on here than just your sexual issue, especially from her end. She does not sound happy with you. That's all Im saying. Most women who are happy and in a loving relationship will do whatever it takes to keep her man happy. But if it comes right down to it and you decide that the sexual issue is a dealbreaker then decide what you want to do. I was in a low sex marriage. It was hard on me. And apparently my XW was not that happy either but she stuck it out for our Son. Once Son was gone from the nest she dropped the bomb on me. Some women actually do that. They stay resentful for years and wont give you a clue until its too late. And lack of sex or intimacy should be a clue in itself. I was blind to that. And like you I walked on eggshells for most of my marriage. All Im saying is that you have a bigger problem on your hands than just sex. I would listen to her more from that perspective if you love her. 1
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