Coffee20 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 18 days of NC, I was moving, or I thought I was, now I am stuck.... I woke up very early and just thought about him then asked myself a question, then another, then another, couldn't sleep of course I know I am over - analyzing, I am angry with myself. My relationship where I was verbally abused, hidden from his friends, experienced his "hot and cold" treatment and then mainly cold, told that I am not pretty enough and should be happy to have at least him, didn't deserve sex from his side, didn't deserve his time. I tried to change many times my looks, my attitude, my behavior just to please him. My head is still giving me questions why was he with me? I wasn't good enough, he f me off a few times, he didn't want to spend time with me etc. Why did he let me to beg him, he could tell me that it's over but he let it go. Why didn't he break up with me?? And after I broke NC he wanted to be a friend?? And when we met, he blamed me for everything and told me how he is happy without me? So now he is happy, he is partying like a party-king, finally he is free from me but would never dump me if I didn't do it? So will he now treat his new gf the same, or will he completely change?
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Abusers and idiots think their behaviour is normal and wholly justified. They also seem to have a very selective interpretation of reality and how their actions contribute to the problems in their lives. Don't beat yourself up about this idiot. In all likelihood he will treat this girl the same. 7
relationship-pro Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 This guy isn't worth your time. You are focusing on someone that belittles you and makes you feel like an unworthy human being. You are punishing yourself even without his help. Please, you need to stop thinking about him or communicating with him. He's a sadistic person that doesn't care about you but likes to manipulate you to get a response. Forget the jerk and try to move on in a more positive relationship. 3
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Coffee, trust me when I tell you to keep yourself far from this loser of a man. There is something wrong with him--he will do this to the next one, also; abusers usually keep their pattern. I have been where you are; it gets better. Detox yourself from this creep. 2
Author Coffee20 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 thank you all, still I have those questions in my head and I know the best way how to heal is to stay away and try not to think about it, but it's so hard!
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It is one of the most difficult things to understand: some people prefer to live miserable lives. And your ex is one of them - and he does not even realize it. Stick to NC, and try not to beat yourself up about his lunacy. 3
Author Coffee20 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Ha today I woke up and feel like crying....this feeling I haven't had for almost 3 weeks, still it's like I forgot how to cry. This pain lasts too long, god it was just 2 months of friendship and 7 months of serious relationship, it wasn't even long relationship and we didn't see each other in the end that much. I have seen so many people that just break up and they seem to be ok after it and don't look even sad (including my ex who is happy now) and I am a total wreck.
d'Arthez Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I have seen so many people that just break up and they seem to be ok after it and don't look even sad (including my ex who is happy now) and I am a total wreck. Don't be too harsh on yourself. While your ex may appear to be happy, does not mean he is. I don't think he even knows how to be truly happy with himself. You got badly burnt, and it will take some time to recover. Stick to not contacting your ex, and tell your friends to not keep you in the loop of what is going on in his life. You will overcome this. 2
Embuff Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 You allowed him to get inside your head and he is still there, It is almost like brain washing someone you tell them enough that they tell them selves the same lies. He was unhappy and sorry to say it but you were just a game that he im sure had feelings for but he could switch them off and on. He knew he could play you the first moment you gave into something he said. Made him feel better and justified sadness or anger that he was feeling. You were a pawn in his game... I know bc I did the same thing you did. I stuck by and let a man mentally abuse me for a year and half. I got the power back one night as he was calling me horrible name and breaking up with me for the millionth time. I simply told him no. That he was just acting like a child and that we were not breaking up and so he could just stop there. The next morning he confessed that really stumped him. Needless you say it didnt stop and we broke up about 8 months later, but the point is at that moment he knew I wasnt "brainwashed" I wasnt his little pawn. After we broke up he acted the same way your ex is now. He had nothing good to say about me and he probably contacted something along the way. He had to heal himself by partying and telling people how low I was. He had to make everyone else believe the game since I decided not to play anymore. I'm sure you are an amazing person but Im sure you dont believe that bc no one has told you that in awhile.So pick yourself up dust off the past and go live a life you can actually have... a happy one! 1
Author Coffee20 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 You allowed him to get inside your head and he is still there, It is almost like brain washing someone you tell them enough that they tell them selves the same lies. He was unhappy and sorry to say it but you were just a game that he im sure had feelings for but he could switch them off and on. He knew he could play you the first moment you gave into something he said. Made him feel better and justified sadness or anger that he was feeling. You were a pawn in his game... I know bc I did the same thing you did. I stuck by and let a man mentally abuse me for a year and half. I got the power back one night as he was calling me horrible name and breaking up with me for the millionth time. I simply told him no. That he was just acting like a child and that we were not breaking up and so he could just stop there. The next morning he confessed that really stumped him. Needless you say it didnt stop and we broke up about 8 months later, but the point is at that moment he knew I wasnt "brainwashed" I wasnt his little pawn. After we broke up he acted the same way your ex is now. He had nothing good to say about me and he probably contacted something along the way. He had to heal himself by partying and telling people how low I was. He had to make everyone else believe the game since I decided not to play anymore. I'm sure you are an amazing person but Im sure you dont believe that bc no one has told you that in awhile.So pick yourself up dust off the past and go live a life you can actually have... a happy one! that's so hard to admit, that I waisted my time for him and it went nowhere, like I failed or what
Tiera D Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 i unable to understand why u westerners are so complicated..so much unnecessary dramas
Author Coffee20 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 i unable to understand why u westerners are so complicated..so much unnecessary dramas ah agree, yes I am dramatic now cause this feeling destroys me (and maybe it's really stupid), so I decided to vent here rather than to explode in front of my friends or family or whoever and I am not from western....
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 i unable to understand why u westerners are so complicated..so much unnecessary dramas hat is hard to understand? She was hurt, she is upset over it. Do people get hurt and upset where you are? If not, i am moving there, LOL 2
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Tiera, I'm not a westerner either but I think it's universal when it comes to the dramatics of people and relationships. Coffee, it's normal to question his actions and his words. Abusive relationships will strip you of your self-esteem and your ability to enforce boundaries. There is no way to understand the doings of your ex. He is functioning and behaving on a different mindset. You can beat this horse to death and you will come up with nothing. It's like trying to understand Chinese when you don't speak a word of it. There is no connecting the dots with why and how he behaved the way he did. He is on a different emotional and mental wavelength. What you do know is that it was disrespectful and unhealthy. That is your truth. You're addicted to the toxicity. The more he beat you down, the more he tore at your self-esteem and the more you clinged to him. He's a drug. Now you want a fix. A bad fix. It's almost like breaking an addiction. The thing is you know he was cruel to you, but you're still questioning. You know cocaine is bad for you but you'll snort it up anyway. You can question why he did all the things he did, but the big question is why did you allow it? Time to focus on what you should be fixing about yourself rather than questioning if this man will ever change. 3
Author Coffee20 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 You're addicted to the toxicity. The more he beat you down, the more he tore at your self-esteem and the more you clinged to him. He's a drug. Now you want a fix. A bad fix. It's almost like breaking an addiction. The thing is you know he was cruel to you, but you're still questioning. You know cocaine is bad for you but you'll snort it up anyway. You can question why he did all the things he did, but the big question is why did you allow it? Time to focus on what you should be fixing about yourself rather than questioning if this man will ever change. I did it, I ask myself now almost every day. I don't know still. I know there were a few boys around me, kind and respectful but I wasn't really into them. I just know, that he wasn't that pretty (yes it was pretty in my eyes) but my and his friends kept telling me how ugly he was, so it wasn't looks, I guess. But I just heard his confident (maybe over confident?) voice, his smile, it seemed like he was constantly in a good mood, he seemed to have everything I was looking for. Then I realized (very soon) that he didn't have. But still had those pink glasses and believed it would change - actually not his personality itself, but his actions towards me and his feelings. I believed that if I tried enough then I would get his love and time etc, I would charm him. But I definitely wasn't his type and his sentence: "When I realized I can't be with X and Y, then I had to lower myself to you." And then he added he hoped I didn't think that I looked like them, because they were too pretty. I know that I am not miss world, but this really made me feel low. I know it was stupid, really stupid from me, I should break up with him long time ago.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) I tried to change many times my looks, my attitude, my behavior just to please him. This is a lesson you have to learn and in a way, is a blessing to you. Time to start looking at yourself and what it is about you that needs the validation of others, especially a damaged man, to make you feel worthy and acceptable. When you do the above, you become an extension of someone else. You become him, you emulate him, you mold yourself into what he believes you should be. In turn you lose yourself and your identity because you've discarded what makes Coffee, Coffee. You've now become an emotional and mental slave to your ex. because you've lost a hold of YOU. And never ever change yourself to "make" someone love you. They love you because of who you present your true self to be. If you're changing to appease their wants and needs, then you're a fraud, someone that is a misrepresentation and soon enough the facade will fall. What do you do then? Struggle to keep up with being someone you're not just so they will love you? You should be who you want to be and find someone that values those qualities about you and not strive to reinvent yourself based on someone else's view of what you should be. If you can't love or accept the way you are, then no one will. Be the best you can and love yourself. The right person will come along one day and will relish all that you have to offer. Edited May 24, 2012 by geegirl
Author Coffee20 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 This is a lesson you have to learn and in a way, is a blessing to you. Time to start looking at yourself and what it is about you that needs the validation of others, especially a damaged man, to make you feel worthy and acceptable. When you do the above, you become an extension of someone else. You become him, you emulate him, you mold yourself into what he believes you should be. In turn you lose yourself and your identity because you've discarded what makes Coffee, Coffee. You've now become an emotional and mental slave to your ex. because you've lost a hold of YOU. And never ever change yourself to "make" someone love you. They love you because of who you present your true self to be. If you're changing to appease their wants and needs, then you're a fraud, someone that is a misrepresentation and soon enough the facade will fall. What do you do then? Struggle to keep up with being someone you're not just so they will love you? You should be who you want to be and find someone that values those qualities about you and not strive to reinvent yourself based on someone else's view of what you should be. If you can't love or accept the way you are, then no one will. Be the best you can and love yourself. The right person will come along one day and will relish all that you have to offer. Thank you! So this is the answer for my thread - why do I feel so shattered? you are so right, I really lost my own identity, it seems to me that I am more him than me, I completely lost myself, I am not interested in my previous hobbies but not interested even in his....again he wasn't really interested in me, so I thought that the best idea is to do what he liked and forgot myself.
ano12324 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 we all feel shattered. just remember it will get better with time. there is no magic frame, some will take a week to heal, some 6 months. asking ourselves questions over and over and analyzing everything i think is common too, so don't think it is only you. try to think of a giant stop sign when those thoughts come into your head and focus instead on hobbbies, exercise, friends, etc. it will get better. good luck.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Thank you! So this is the answer for my thread - why do I feel so shattered? you are so right, I really lost my own identity, it seems to me that I am more him than me, I completely lost myself, I am not interested in my previous hobbies but not interested even in his....again he wasn't really interested in me, so I thought that the best idea is to do what he liked and forgot myself. You're aware of that. Great start. Now you have to find Coffee again. Where did she go? What does she like? What are her goals? What are her values? What makes her tick? What are her passions? What does she seek in a partner? What would she like to accomplish? You need to rebuild yourself again, Coffee. You became a facade. Now you have to get back to your true self. Please don't ever try to make someone like you. They either do or they don't. It's never a reflection on you if they don't like you. You just have to move on and try not to shove a square peg into a round hole. It will never work. 1
relationship-pro Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Coffee, Geegirl is absolutely right. Anyone that lowers your value and dumps on you like he did is just feeding your insecurity. He belittles you to the point where you believe what he says. This is (was) an abusive relationship emotionally and psychologically for you. The only way to repair your self-esteem is to be as far away from him as possible and believe in your own worth. I know how tough it can be and how it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. You need a new focus and one that is full of positive actions and thoughts. Good luck and stay strong. Getting Your Man Back | Get Back With Your Ex
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