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How to get comfortable with rejection


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Posted
I am hating writing him that message.

 

It is never fun. But the longer you wait, the more heartbreaking it will become. Especially for you.:(

 

(hugs)

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Posted
It is never fun. But the longer you wait, the more heartbreaking it will become. Especially for you.:(

 

(hugs)

 

I feel like I'm doing something unforgivable. Like I will always feel ashamed of myself when I think about how I misled him.

 

Wouldn't it be better if I met him in person to explain myself?

Posted
I feel like I'm doing something unforgivable. Like I will always feel ashamed of myself when I think about how I misled him.

 

Wouldn't it be better if I met him in person to explain myself?

 

Ideally yes, but given your issues, it may be better for you to put it on paper / email, and tell him that way. With a well-written explanation why you chose the medium, he will understand.

Posted

Kamille, if you ever get comfortable with rejection, you've lost your humanity. This is one of those things that people just need to bite the bullet and do, sooner rather than later.

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Posted

Sent it. I feel horrible.

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Posted

Nothing is more frustrating than finding yourself in these horrible situations. As awful as you feel now, I hope you can come to accept that it is the right decision at this particular point in time.

Posted

It's okay Kamille. You've done the right thing since keeping them on a string when you're not feeling it, is leading them on which ensures a future boatload of hurt to them.

 

((hugs))

Posted
Sent it. I feel horrible.

 

There you go. That's a good step forward.

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Posted
Nothing is more frustrating than finding yourself in these horrible situations. As awful as you feel now' date=' I hope you can come to accept that it is the right decision at this particular point in time.[/quote']

 

It's okay Kamille. You've done the right thing since keeping them on a string when you're not feeling it, is leading them on which ensures a future boatload of hurt to them.

 

((hugs))

 

There you go. That's a good step forward.

Thanks friends. Needed to hear all of that.

 

Now am dreading his reply.

 

I had written to Guy A yesterday, to tell him I wasn't interested, and his reply was really nice. But I feel like Perfect Gentleman and I had gotten 'further' emotionally. I also feel like I mislead him, whereas I didn't feel that way about Guy A.

Posted
I had written to Guy A yesterday, to tell him I wasn't interested, and his reply was really nice. But I feel like Perfect Gentleman and I had gotten 'further' emotionally. I also feel like I mislead him, whereas I didn't feel that way about Guy A.

I feel part of the reason you feel you misled PG is that you ran into yourself. You rejected Guy A because of him, and PG because of yourself.

 

Those are amongst the hardest calls to make in life, and probably the decisions that are the most difficult to understand for people who do not understand the situation.

 

((hugs))

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Posted
I feel part of the reason you feel you misled PG is that you ran into yourself. You rejected Guy A because of him, and PG because of yourself.

 

Those are amongst the hardest calls to make in life, and probably the decisions that are the most difficult to understand for people who do not understand the situation.

 

((hugs))

 

Perceptive.

Posted
Thanks friends. Needed to hear all of that.

 

Now am dreading his reply.

 

I had written to Guy A yesterday, to tell him I wasn't interested, and his reply was really nice. But I feel like Perfect Gentleman and I had gotten 'further' emotionally. I also feel like I mislead him, whereas I didn't feel that way about Guy A.

You're a good person Kamille. This is why you're bothering to self-examine your own actions. That said, your actions take into consideration their feelings and that's what counts when put towards a caring or callous person.

 

For every action, there's a consequence where your actions of ending it now, will result in a future positive for both of you, whether PG presently understands this or not.

 

Much respect for being considerate and not being a coward by flaking out. :love:

Posted
I can identify parts of my upbringing that explain why my reflex is to try to please others at all times, even at the cost of my own well-being. When I'm in a real life situation... a strange thought pattern takes over:

"I'm not sure I'm into him. But what if I am and it's just me being too quick to judge? ... I'll give this guy another chance and then will make up my mind."

 

This is a great example of why conventional therapy seldom works to fix a destructive pattern. You know why yet you keep doing it. Nothing changes except you have less money after a therapy session! The Lefkoe Method is made for pattern-busting.

 

What happens when you repeat your pattern of dating someone again? Is it always the same result, i.e. you actually do start liking him or you confirm your initial thought that it wouldn't work? If the outcome is always the same, base future action on that. If it's inconsistent -- sometimes you like the guy and sometimes you don't - then you have to play it on a case by case basis like most of us do.

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Posted

:)

 

Perfect Gentleman proves again, that he is a perfect gentleman.

 

I feel so relieved.

Posted
:)

 

Perfect Gentleman proves again, that he is a perfect gentleman.

 

I feel so relieved.

 

((hugs))

 

Glad to hear that.

Posted
I feel like I'm doing something unforgivable. Like I will always feel ashamed of myself when I think about how I misled him.

 

Wouldn't it be better if I met him in person to explain myself?

 

Sent it. I feel horrible.

 

Why didn't you like him?

Posted

Kamille,

 

I agree with the simplest response on here. Easy's on practice.

 

I too have had a really tough time setting boundaries early on and I used to have a horrible time rejecting guys. I had to get over that, in order to treat the guys with the dignity I would have prefered to receive. Now, it's a piece of cake. It's not great though when you end it with someone you've been dating months or years though. That pretty much still sucks.

 

I think we have a much higher self respect when we can stand up for what we need, say no when we don't want to do something, and not do things just to make everyone else happy. It's something I do more and more often but it is by no means second nature. I still screw up. But I also have a lot less resentment and tension as a result of doing what I want to do and more often putting myself first.

Posted

I felt really bad about the last guy I rejected. Especially because he seemed really sensitive and sweet and I kind of agreed to go on the next date when put on the spot.

 

I went overboard with making sure I didn't hurt his feelings too much (which was probably making things worse). I even told him "I am so sorry that I have hurt you". And he went: "Hurt me? We don't even know each other". So yeah, they are probably taking it easier than you think.

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Posted

You guys are right, he hardly knew me - and he's a successful, smart, good looking man. I guess I feel guilty because I disappointed him. (See, people-pleaser through and through.) He was into me and I wish I could have felt the same way.

 

 

 

 

Why didn't you like him?

 

Good question. There was nothing I didn't like about him. It was a gut feeling, which transformed into a physiological (flight) reaction. Personally, I think my reaction has more to do with my own issues with commitment than with him. He mentioned a few things on the second date that hinted at the fact he was hoping we had long term potential. My friends pointed out that if I had been into him, I would have probably loved it. Meanwhile, I just felt like it was way too soon to be hinting at a future together and I felt physically stressed.

 

There are things I need to figure out about myself. Like, couldn't I have simply told him he was moving too fast, and asked him to slow his horses?

Posted

I think my reaction has more to do with my own issues with commitment than with him. He mentioned a few things on the second date that hinted at the fact he was hoping we had long term potential.

 

So because he was more interested in long term than a one night stand, you dumped him? Interesting.

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Posted
So because he was more interested in long term than a one night stand, you dumped him? Interesting.

 

That's one way to interpret what I said. But yes, I admit, I have issues. Hence this thread.

Posted

Hmm. I've never felt guilty about "rejecting" someone I went on a few dates with (meaning like, 3 I guess?). No one should be so invested after that little of time that they are crushed by a polite "it's not going to work". If they ARE that upset after such a short time, that's not your fault, they have issues they need to get straightened out before dating!

 

If you aren't dragging things out necessarily (going on many subsequent dates when you know you aren't digging it), then you have nothing to worry about.

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Posted (edited)

There are things I need to figure out about myself. Like, couldn't I have simply told him he was moving too fast, and asked him to slow his horses?

 

You could've, but it wouldn't have turned out well, IME. Part of the synergy necessary to get things really going is being on the same page naturally with speed to some degree - I think if it was a specific tweak, like you were generally comfortable but not with a specific action until later, then yes, but if it was generally, "You're freaking me out with your intensity and commitment" (obviously no one says it that way), then I doubt you would've really developed deeper feelings for him. Your instincts were telling you something, and IMO, speed isn't typically about speed when it's something like that. More when it's something like, "I like you, and that sounds great, but I'm not ready to go away for the weekend with someone I hardly know!" (those type of pragmatic speed things are different from the general 'it's moving too fast' panic!)

 

Kamille, I think you do need to trust your instincts a little more. It sounds like he was a good on paper guy, and you'll meet many more of those, but if they give you that 'flight' feeling, there's probably a really good reason why they aren't for you. ETA: A lot of times those 'feelings' aren't easy to articulate unless you stick around to see the problem develop, but why do that?

Edited by zengirl
  • Author
Posted
You could've, but it wouldn't have turned out well, IME. Part of the synergy necessary to get things really going is being on the same page naturally with speed to some degree - I think if it was a specific tweak, like you were generally comfortable but not with a specific action until later, then yes, but if it was generally, "You're freaking me out with your intensity and commitment" (obviously no one says it that way), then I doubt you would've really developed deeper feelings for him. Your instincts were telling you something, and IMO, speed isn't typically about speed when it's something like that. More when it's something like, "I like you, and that sounds great, but I'm not ready to go away for the weekend with someone I hardly know!" (those type of pragmatic speed things are different from the general 'it's moving too fast' panic!)

 

Kamille, I think you do need to trust your instincts a little more. It sounds like he was a good on paper guy, and you'll meet many more of those, but if they give you that 'flight' feeling, there's probably a really good reason why they aren't for you. ETA: A lot of times those 'feelings' aren't easy to articulate unless you stick around to see the problem develop, but why do that?

 

Thanks Zen. I've had a few days to calm down and realize that:

1. I have fallen in love in the past. I know how seamless it can feel.

2. I likely sensed some deeper incompatibilities.

 

I will trust my instincts and not force myself to be into guys. You're right: The right guy for me won't trigger my flight response.

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