Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 After Adventures in Online Dating, the Multi-Dating Edition, I have come to the conclusion that neither are for me. I've assessed, though, that my biggest issue with it is that having to reject people makes me highly unconfortable. I would rather go on dates I don't enjoy, even kiss men when I'm not sure I'm not into them, they deliver a rejection. I need help with this. I think my propensity to be a people-pleaser gets in the way of establishing good boundaries early on. How do I improve the ways in wich I deal with having to tell people I'm not into them? Please note: I want advice, preferably catered to who I am, not theories on gender. I ask people to abstain from engaging in arguments about how hard men have it etc.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 As you have only gone on two or three dates with these men then you at least have to give each of them a text message saying in clear concise terms that you are not interested. Doing it by phone would be even classier. If they ask why just tell them your honest feelings. There is no other way to do it that will result in them moving on without any drama. Don't "soften the blow". Think of it like taking a sick old pet to the humane society. Yes it's sad and bad...but for those very reasons it's more merciful to make it quick.
FitChick Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 One reason I prefer OLD is because it's easier to reject someone. Rejecting someone in person is far more hurtful and uncomfortable.
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Any particular reason you think of yourself as a people-pleaser? Saying "no" can be extremely hard, especially if you can see reasons why your decision might be wrong - and that is something you'd probably excel in. Is this an issue only in your dating life, or does it exist in other settings as well (work settings)? Perhaps an underlying conflict that is getting in the way time and again? If you still have an unresolved issue, then you can simply be running in it time and again, and it is sucky to have to admit to yourself that you are not ready for the plunge - if someone else makes such an assessment that can be strangely comforting.
johan Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I don't like doing it either. But you have to, I guess. Just figure they will find a way to deal with it. Hopefully you weren't their last hurrah in the world of dating and they will move on in a healthy way, without taking to posting bitter assaults on women on public forums. Or that rejection by you won't stir up repressed memories of abandonment by their mothers and lead to a death spiral of self destructive behaviors. That is the best you can hope for.
FitChick Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Kamille, rereading your original post, it sounds like OLD has nothing to do with your problem. You'd have the same problem if you had met these men other ways as well. It's never fun to know you are hurting someone's feelings.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I learned that getting comfortable with rejection worked the same way for me regardless of which side of the rejecting I was on. It got easier with experience. When doing the rejection, just be as kind, simple, and straightforward as you can be. I am sure you will be very good at this. It is NOT easy, but it is kinder than drawing something out that you know isn't for you. And, you are very clear within yourself that you are not "wrong" or "mean" for looking for a man / potential relationship that is going to work for you. Stay true to that idea. And, hope that the people you end up needing to "reject" are on the same path.
Author Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Any particular reason you think of yourself as a people-pleaser? Saying "no" can be extremely hard, especially if you can see reasons why your decision might be wrong - and that is something you'd probably excel in. Is this an issue only in your dating life, or does it exist in other settings as well (work settings)? Perhaps an underlying conflict that is getting in the way time and again? If you still have an unresolved issue, then you can simply be running in it time and again, and it is sucky to have to admit to yourself that you are not ready for the plunge - if someone else makes such an assessment that can be strangely comforting. Oh yes it's a recurrent theme, one that consistently gets me into trouble. I had started working on this precise issue with a really competent therapist and then had to move away. I'm currently on a waiting list for more therapy where I am. So far, what I know is this: it is linked to my upbringing. Classic case: I grew up feeling responsible for my mother's happiness. I was also not allowed to express anger while growing. I was told anger was irrational and showed an inability to take responsibility for oneself. So I constantly question my own judgement in situations where confrontation is required. FC and Mr. Lonelyone, thanks for the no-nonsense advice. I think I'm bringing this up because it also relates to the ways in which relationships freak me out at the beginning. Since I struggle to just say "not to into it", I usually end up feeling like the relationships are evolving way too fast for me. My date's displays of interest freak me out. In a sense, I believe that if I got more comfortable asserting myself in dating situations, the guys would have a fairer chance.
johan Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Kamille, rereading your original post, it sounds like OLD has nothing to do with your problem. You'd have the same problem if you had met these men other ways as well. It's never fun to know you are hurting someone's feelings. Yes, this is true. But I guess online dating is going to put her in the position of doing it more often. The likelihood that she sends a guy who thinks he's ready to venture back into the dating world back into his previous lifestyle of safe but soul-crushing solitude are a bit higher. It's something you have to get used to. You probably get better at it after you've done it a few times.
Author Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I don't like doing it either. But you have to, I guess. Just figure they will find a way to deal with it. Hopefully you weren't their last hurrah in the world of dating and they will move on in a healthy way, without taking to posting bitter assaults on women on public forums. Or that rejection by you won't stir up repressed memories of abandonment by their mothers and lead to a death spiral of self destructive behaviors. That is the best you can hope for. ¸ Seriously, yesterday, while I was writing to one of the guys I wondered if the LS bitter men association wasn't starting to mess with my head. I had to remind myself this guy hardly knew me and that there was no way the news I wasn't interested was going to be devastating. I'm great, but not that great you know? These guys are healthy, successful men who deserve to be with women who really dig them. Kamille, rereading your original post, it sounds like OLD has nothing to do with your problem. You'd have the same problem if you had met these men other ways as well. It's never fun to know you are hurting someone's feelings. To some extent yes, but at least when I meet guys in real life, I get to know them and crush on them before we start dating. Emotionally it's a bit less taxing on me. I learned that getting comfortable with rejection worked the same way for me regardless of which side of the rejecting I was on. It got easier with experience. When doing the rejection, just be as kind, simple, and straightforward as you can be. I am sure you will be very good at this. It is NOT easy, but it is kinder than drawing something out that you know isn't for you. And, you are very clear within yourself that you are not "wrong" or "mean" for looking for a man / potential relationship that is going to work for you. Stay true to that idea. And, hope that the people you end up needing to "reject" are on the same path. Good advice Mme. Chaucer.
zengirl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You have to be able to do 2 things: 1.) Be a grown up, be respectful, deliver the message clearly and kindly. (I'm sure you can do this!) 2.) Be okay with the fact that even when you do #1 and act appropriately, others may not and may misbehave, be upset with you, etc. You don't have to "take" it per se (you can end the interaction any time they cross a line, as you've done your part for civility and honor already) but you do have to bear the possibility of it enough to still do #1 even though this may happen. While this can occur even without OLD, I agree that OLD tends to allow you to meet more people who will misbehave, have to do it more often, etc. Personally, I feel good as long as I've done #1 up to my standards.
carhill Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 How do I improve the ways in which I deal with having to tell people I'm not into them?I found synergy dealing with such rejections in a positive way, thanking the person for their interest and advising them that I was not interested at this time. I actually honed this style in business because, as a 'people-pleaser', I tended to roll over on business deals a lot in my early career and that's a total killer in my brutal business. Over time, as more social interactions involved polite refusal, I took the same approach and found it to be effective. Women don't generally ask me on dates so I don't directly refuse dates as such, which I imagine is your direct question, but I've had to reject women I've dated whom I didn't see as marriage material (my goal for dating) numerous times over the decades and found this method left me feeling positive about my decision and how it was carried out. 'Wow, that's such a flattering offer. I wish I could take it and run with it but I just don't feel that way about it. I hope you can understand."
shorty7 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I find it easier to accept rejection when the other party is being honest. I appreciate honesty and straightforward answers. I understand "I just don't feel that way about you" and feel better about the rejection if that was followed up by "but thank you for telling me; I appreciate the thought and it means a lot to me." This was the best rejection I've ever gotten from someone I've had a crush on. We're still good friends. It was certainly better once it was all out in the open rather it being pent up inside. It was awkward for a little while, but I got over it; infatuation became platonic admiration which led to feelings of respect. I understand not everyone can go through that and I have since learned that I was very lucky.
MrNate 2.0 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 After Adventures in Online Dating, the Multi-Dating Edition, I have come to the conclusion that neither are for me. I've assessed, though, that my biggest issue with it is that having to reject people makes me highly unconfortable. I would rather go on dates I don't enjoy, even kiss men when I'm not sure I'm not into them, they deliver a rejection. I need help with this. I think my propensity to be a people-pleaser gets in the way of establishing good boundaries early on. How do I improve the ways in wich I deal with having to tell people I'm not into them? Please note: I want advice, preferably catered to who I am, not theories on gender. I ask people to abstain from engaging in arguments about how hard men have it etc. I think this should be addressed first, then this rejection issue should solve itself. Why do you feel you must be a people pleaser?
Author Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I think this should be addressed first, then this rejection issue should solve itself. Why do you feel you must be a people pleaser? I'm not sure how to interpret the question. But to be clear: I don't want to be a people-pleaser. I wish I weren't. But it's an ingrained thought pattern, almost a reflex. As I mentioned, I can identify parts of my upbringing that explain why my reflex is to try to please others at all times, even at the cost of my own well-being. When I'm in a real life situation where I might have to, say, tell someone I'm not into them, a strange thought pattern takes over, a huge debate that goes something like this: At the end of a date, a guy asks me for a third date. Here's my thought pattern. "Oh no... I'm not sure I'm into him. But what if I am and it's just me being too quick to judge? I mean, we have a lot in common and we had a great time on our last date... What if I'm just panicking because I'm a commitmentphobe? What is wrong with me? I hardly know the guy. Plus, if I say no he'll think I'm a flake. After all, we kissed. Yeah, I know, I'll give this guy another chance and then will make up my mind." I know this is twisted... But that's the kind of trouble I land myself into. Conclusion: by then I physically feel anxious, but I will agree to the date, which is the easiest way for me to resolve the conflict.
MrNate 2.0 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I'm not sure how to interpret the question. But to be clear: I don't want to be a people-pleaser. I wish I weren't. But it's an ingrained thought pattern, almost a reflex. As I mentioned, I can identify parts of my upbringing that explain why my reflex is to try to please others at all times, even at the cost of my own well-being. When I'm in a real life situation where I might have to, say, tell someone I'm not into them, a strange thought pattern takes over, a huge debate that goes something like this: At the end of a date, a guy asks me for a third date. Here's my thought pattern. "Oh no... I'm not sure I'm into him. But what if I am and it's just me being too quick to judge? I mean, we have a lot in common and we had a great time on our last date... What if I'm just panicking because I'm a commitmentphobe? What is wrong with me? I hardly know the guy. Plus, if I say no he'll think I'm a flake. After all, we kissed. Yeah, I know, I'll give this guy another chance and then will make up my mind." I know this is twisted... But that's the kind of trouble I land myself into. Conclusion: by then I physically feel anxious, but I will agree to the date, which is the easiest way for me to resolve the conflict. I think you should go out on a limb and try a different approach. When you feel pressured, try to stick with your gut decision. I guess I'm essentially saying to take a risk and try. More so, so you can see how it makes you feel being honest with your self and the guy involved. It will probably be difficult to do, but when changing habits, they're always uncomfortable at first.
MrNate 2.0 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 rejection is the specilty of females. they enjoy it. They also enjoy proper spelling. I would point out the error in your statement, but I feel you need to be challenged.
Author Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I think you should go out on a limb and try a different approach. When you feel pressured, try to stick with your gut decision. I guess I'm essentially saying to take a risk and try. More so, so you can see how it makes you feel being honest with your self and the guy involved. It will probably be difficult to do, but when changing habits, they're always uncomfortable at first. Thanks. This is helpful advice. I guess I always struggle to differentiate between gut and distorted thought patterns. Hmmm... So... Say you agreed to the date and the guy wrote to you to ask if you were still up for it... Would this be the moment to come forward with the rejection? Even though, to be honest. I'm mostly just feeling confused. I reached 200 posts. Yay. Congrats! 1
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Hmmm... So... Say you agreed to the date and the guy wrote to you to ask if you were still up for it... Would this be the moment to come forward with the rejection? Even though, to be honest. I'm mostly just feeling confused. I'd say don't keep dating him. Because if you start questioning your gut feelings, things may get even messier then, as you may be overriding perfectly sensible decisions based on that. Which will be even trickier to deal with. The sooner you finish things off, the better. Naturally be polite and all that.
carhill Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Conclusion: by then I physically feel anxious, but I will agree to the date, which is the easiest way for me to resolve the conflict. This is only a suggestion and not indicative of any potential issue; have you considered spending some time with a psychologist to sort out the physical and psychological responses and resolve them to a pattern which better matches what you want to happen? I found this particular nuance to be an unexpected side-effect of MC, even though the therapy wasn't focused on my individual issues. Before, I would fight the intrinsic physical response to do what I knew was 'right' (healthy). After, it just flowed and I felt confident about the choice.
matte123 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Rejecting someone can be difficult. What I do is I ask myself if I want to be miserable by being stuck with a guy I am not interested in and in addition, leading the guy on and end up hurting him more in the end. Think of the possible consequences of staying with him and don't second guess yourself. Trust your intuition. It'll get easier each time you go through this experience
MrNate 2.0 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks. This is helpful advice. I guess I always struggle to differentiate between gut and distorted thought patterns. Hmmm... So... Say you agreed to the date and the guy wrote to you to ask if you were still up for it... Would this be the moment to come forward with the rejection? Yes. And whenyou think about it, Kamille, the longer you let it go on, the harder it will just make it to do what you wanted to do in the first place, you know? I say the sooner you can come forward with the rejection, the better. It will help you both save time to find people more compatible.
Author Kamille Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I'd say don't keep dating him. Because if you start questioning your gut feelings, things may get even messier then, as you may be overriding perfectly sensible decisions based on that. Which will be even trickier to deal with. The sooner you finish things off, the better. Naturally be polite and all that. I am hating writing him that message.
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